Promise Rock 03 - Living Promises (MM) (35 page)

“Wow, Jesus, you're a pal,” Crick said dryly, but the threat had worked. He wasn't apologizing anymore.
“Yeah, well, I do my best.”
“Jeff?”
“Yeah?”
“You shouldn't have ever doubted. You're the best fairy-Jeff-father on the planet. You'll take care of him when he needs it, and you know what?”
Jeff smiled a little, and for the first time since he'd picked up the phone and Lucas had answered, he felt like it was all sweetness in his heart when he did that.
“He'll take care of me.”
“Damned straight. Don't give him any shit for getting sick, okay? It's like… like me taking care of Deacon. It's what we were born to do.”

C
RICK
left soon after that, and Jeff cleaned up their dishes, wishing that Jon would get there while Collin slept. Deacon's best friend was funny and charming and talked smooth as a movie star, and after that fivefathoms-deep confession to Crick, Jeff wanted some of that chatter. He could see how someone as serious as Deacon always was would be tight with a man who never stopped trying to make people laugh, and he was glad Jon seemed to take a liking to him. Jon wasn't as sarcastic as Jeff was, but he sure did appreciate it when Jeff let the snark out of the box.

But Collin woke up instead, and Jeff went back to sit with him. He was clean—Jeff had given him a sponge bath that morning, enjoying the fine shaping to Collin's muscles without shame. Collin had made a crack about him being a pervert, and he'd simply grinned and said, “Hey, you'd already seen my sex toy collection when you said you loved me. You have no excuses for not knowing what to expect.”

Collin had tried for an evil horny chuckle, and Jeff had told him that as soon as the IV was gone and Collin was stronger, he'd make Collin keep that promise. Collin had fallen asleep soon after, smelling like Jeff's favorite aromatherapy body gel without complaining once about the scent.

Jeff enjoyed it now, closing his eyes and tasting the combination of dark wood and Collin's skin, even as he and Collin kept up desultory conversation.

Suddenly Collin was tugging on his hand. “Come lay down with me, Jeffy. You look exhausted.”

Jeff smiled at him a little and put his hand on Collin's forehead. It was cooler now—not the 98.6 brass ring yet, but getting there. “Well, this guy I know got sick and….”

“And you've had to take care of him,” Collin said soberly, seizing that hand and kissing it. “I know. I'm sorry, Jeff—I never wanted you to feel like you had to—”

Jeff cut him off right there. “Naw, baby. You don't get it.” He remembered his conversation with Crick, and he felt it, to the bone, how much he needed Collin to know what was in his heart, without any window dressing or snarkasm icing—just him. Naked Jeff. Let the world hide its eyes.

Jeff leaned forward pulled Collin's hand into his lap, careful of the IV. The backs of Collin's fingers were still tan over the scars, and the faintest odor of motor oil still remained and probably always would. It smelled even better on him than the dark wood shower gel, and that was a fact.

“See,” Jeff said quietly, “the thing is, taking care of you is… it's not like payback for all the times you took care of me when I was a flaming hot mess, not even close. It's not… it's not like an obligation. It's not something that comes with the package—I mean it is, but that's not how it feels. I mean, I take care of people, Collin. They let me into their lives and let me work their bodies and let me hear their problems, and I'm honored to do it, because I
like
helping people. I used to think I was too selfish, too weak to do it—I'd been alone for a while, I was used to thinking of myself only. When Kevin died, it was like… like God telling me I wasn't good enough or couldn't love good enough to help people. Like taking care of Kevin if we were both sick—that was just beyond me. And then… then it felt like Kevin felt the same way, you know?”

Collin's hand tightened over Jeff's, and Jeff just kept kissing it and pretending that he wasn't getting tired, gooey tears all over the back.
“You're fully capable of taking care of another human being,” Collin said, his voice dry, like he was trying to get Jeff to stop crying without stating the obvious—that he
was
crying, and he wouldn't stop anytime either of them could foresee.
“But with you, Sparky,” Jeff rasped, “it's an honor. It's a privilege. It's a gift. You're letting me take care of you. You're trusting that I'll do it right. I mean, I had to call in the cavalry to help, but….”
“But they owe you, so it was no big,” Collin put in, and Jeff nodded.
“Because that's what families do. And families let you take care of them, and forgive you if you're too fucked up to do it right the first time, and… basically… you're my family, Sparky. You're the boyfriend who wouldn't go away. I mean, I pray…
beg
the powers that be that you won't go away. I… I really… God, Collin. You're such a big part of my heart, you know? You're such a big part of my heart right now, if something bad happened to you, there wouldn't be anything left. Everyone's always afraid of the virus, but it's not the virus that will kill me. It's losing you.”
Collin lifted an arm then, the one with the IV attached, and Jeff crawled into the bed next to him and cried quietly, because Collin was going to be fine, just fine, and so was Jeff, and it really wasn't too much to hope anymore, oh no it really wasn't, that they could be just fine, and just happy, and just in love, together.

J
EFF
fell asleep then and was embarrassed to wake up and realize that Martin was there, talking to Collin about cars and about working in the shop and how much fun it had been, but how much everybody missed him.

Collin threw his head back against the pillows and groaned. “Oh, God—Martin, I can't thank everyone enough, you know? I mean… Jesus, you took care of my shop for me. If I was Jeff, I'd cry about that.”

“Fuck you, Sparky,” Jeff mumbled, and Collin's arm tightened around his shoulders, followed by a kiss in his hair.
“I knew you were awake,” he said with a grin, and Jeff put his hand automatically on Collin's forehead.
“Good. Because I'm awake, you're better, now go clean the cat boxes and make me dinner.”
“Ew!” Martin interjected. “But make sure you wash your hands first, okay?”
Collin chuckled and shook his head, and Jeff pulled back far enough to read his embarrassed expression. “How about tomorrow, Martin? Right now, I think I'm still going to need help to go take a leak.”
Martin grunted. “Deadbeat.”
Jeff struggled to sit up. “Do you need that leak thing now, or was that just an example?”
Collin started to answer and then was taken over by a gigantic yawn. “That was an example, Jeffy. But I do need”—yawn again—“to sleep.”
Jeff struggled to his feet and was surprised by how firm Collin's grip was around his wrist. “Kiss me nai' nai', Jeffy. Please?”
Jeff yielded, placing a gentle kiss on Collin's forehead, aware that Collin had closed his eyes as Jeff leaned over. Jeff slid out of bed then and stood and stretched, carefully not looking at Martin for a moment.
“You ready for some dinner, kid? Crick brought over some chicken something that's pretty damned good.”
Martin perked up at the mention of food. Jeff kissed Collin's cheek one more time as he turned out the light on Collin's side of the bed, and then he closed the door and ushered Martin out. Collin was already mostly asleep.
In a few minutes, Jeff had Martin set up at the table—Amy had apparently known that Benny was cooking this night, but she'd sent over some fresh-baked bread that pretty much put a capper on the chicken stew (what was it called with chicken and tomatoes? Jeff had no idea), and the two of them ate quietly.
Martin tucked into his second bowl before Jeff started the conversation—and even he was surprised by what came out of his mouth.
“Your brother was a good man,” he said quietly, and Martin actually stopped eating, his spoon poised between bowl and mouth, to hear him.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” Jeff nodded adamantly. “He was the best. He fought for his country, and he was as honorable as he absolutely could be. You know that's what killed him, right?”
“His honor?” Martin sounded really confused, and Jeff wondered how badly he could fuck this up.
“His fear, really, that people wouldn't see the honor because of the gay.”
Martin set his spoon down back in the soup bowl, and Jeff thought that could be the first time in nearly six weeks that he'd seen the kid actually stop eating.
“I'd say that was stupid,” Martin murmured thoughtfully, “but I might have been one of the people responsible for that.”
Jeff took a risk and reached out and put his hand over Martin's. “You're a good kid, Martin. You're responsible and very hip and a lot older than your chronological age, but you were nine. Everything you knew when you were nine, you were taught. That's not your fault, you know?”
Martin nodded and then looked back at Jeff with such an obviously torn expression on his dark, oval-shaped face that Jeff could practically read his mind.
“You can still miss them,” he said softly. “Even if you think they're wrong, you can still miss them.”
Martin swallowed and nodded. “Watching Collin get sick and knowing… man, something that small might put him down—I'm so scared. Isn't that stupid?”
It was Jeff's turn to swallow. “No.”
“And when I'm at home, when I'm scared, my mom makes me biscuits with butter and sugar and tells me it's going to be okay, and it's so weird, because all I want is my mom to tell me it's going to be okay, because Collin, he's like a kick-ass friend, right, and I'm worried about him, but whenever I think about that, I realize that my mom's… she'd think Collin would probably have this coming, and then… I don't even know how to think anymore.”
Martin wiped his eyes with the heel of his hand, just like Jeff did, or Collin, or Crick—just like Kevin had, the day he'd shipped out. Jeff stood up then and bent over Martin as he sat down and hugged him, just like Martin had hugged Jeff that morning Collin had first gotten sick. Martin tucked his face into Jeff's shoulder and took a long, shuddering breath and then pulled away.
“You know what to think,” Jeff said, his voice wobbling terribly. “You know that your brother was a good man, and he got scared. You know that he loved you. You know everything you loved about him was true, except for who he liked to kiss, but you were nine, and it wasn't any of your business anyway.”
Martin nodded. “But how am I supposed to go home… and just not talk about that?”
Jeff took a deep breath. “Stay right here,” he murmured, and then he ran back into Martin's bedroom.
He'd put the picture away when he'd moved into the condo—he'd had to. Thinking about Kevin all day, every day, had been killing him. But he'd kept it in a box of stuff he'd actually taken from home— swimming trophies, his high school diploma, yearbooks—and he kept those on the top shelf of the closet in Martin's room.
He came out, embarrassed by the dust but triumphant, holding the framed picture to his chest.
“I was going to make a copy of this,” he said, feeling suddenly shy. “It was going to be your Christmas present, because, you know, I thought if I gave it to you for Christmas, you'd be too polite to throw it back at me. But I think you might want it now. I'll make a copy for myself later, but right now, I think it might… I don't know. It might let you go home.”
Martin looked at him, still wiping his eyes, and such a complete attitude of trust in his expression that Jeff prayed he wasn't wrong.
He turned the picture around then, so that the two of them, Kevin smiling into the camera and Jeff peeking out shyly from his shoulder, were easily visible, and handed it to Kevin's little brother.
“Oh God,” Martin whispered, smiling a little. “Look at him. He's so happy.”
“Well, I don't mean to brag,” Jeff joked weakly, and Martin tried a soggy grin at him.
“You look happy too.”
“We were.”
Martin looked at it again and nodded, and then he wiped his eyes again. “You could have been happy together,” he said. “If he'd have come back, you would have taken care of him.”
“Damned straight.” Jeff nodded. He could have. He knew that now like he hadn't six years ago. It was part of who he was.
“I'm really glad he knew you,” Martin said, nodding again. “Jesus, Jeff, I'm so glad he got to be happy.”
He put the picture down and stood up and cried in Jeff's arms then, Kevin's little brother, and Jeff cried with him even though he'd thought he was about done with crying for the day. This was different, though. These were good tears. These were saying goodbye tears. This was Kevin giving his blessing, because Jeff had done right by him, and now Jeff could move on.
His future was waiting in the bedroom, and he'd be up and around and ready to make trouble soon enough.

Collin: A Clean Bill of Health

M
ARTIN
'
S
father showed up on Jeff's doorstep to collect his son on Collin's last day of rest (Jeff mandated and doctor approved) before he went back to work. It was five days before Christmas.

Collin was padding around the apartment restlessly in the fleecelined leather moccasins that Jeff had bought him, wondering if there was a video game in the condo that he hadn't played until he'd mastered the top level and hoping that noise he'd just heard in the living room was
not
Katherine the Great-Assed Cat Bitch trying to climb the Christmas tree. Again. (Katy didn't seem to realize that she weighed in at twenty-two pounds and that if she got so much as two feet up the trunk, the tree was going down. It was a good thing all of Jeff's ornaments were new and made of painted tin instead of glass.)