Psychology for Dummies (24 page)
Read Psychology for Dummies Online
Authors: Adam Cash
Tags: #Psychology, #General, #Body; Mind & Spirit, #Spirituality
Casual:
No strings attached. Interested in a problem-free relationship. Dream on!
Clingy:
Seeks closeness (a little too much) and fears independence. Anybody got a spatula?
Fickle:
Uneasy with both closeness and independence. Can’t make up his or her mind. Flip a coin already!
Secure:
Comfortable with both closeness and independence and doesn’t rush things.
Skittish:
Fearful of too much closeness and perfectly comfortable with independence. Don’t run!
Uninterested:
Just not into the whole relationship thing.
Everyone has an opinion on each of these love schemas. It’s hard to judge people who may use one type of schema over another. Different schemas seem to apply to different periods of life, but most of us strive toward the secure schema. If someone feels that her schema is causing problems in her life, therapy is a good place to work these issues out.
Speaking of issues, anger is an issue that deserves a lot of attention. On the one hand, we often don’t express our anger in healthy ways enough. But on the other hand, anger is expressed in inappropriate and extreme ways every day. Either way, anger is a natural emotion and is as important in our relationships as love.
Have you ever seen that T-shirt that has “I’m not prejudiced; I hate everybody” printed on it? Isn’t that a wonderful message? That ranks right up there with the bumper stickers with the cartoon character, Calvin, from
Calvin and Hobbes
peeing on everything from the symbols of different car manufacturers to the Internal Revenue Service. Sometimes it seems like we live in a pretty angry society.
Where does anger come from? Lots of theories exist. One is that anger is a consequence of experiencing negative or painful feelings. All kinds of things can lead to negative feelings: unpleasant physical conditions, physical pain, limits on our movement, and even loud noises. I like to refer to this theory as the “grouch factor.” Doctors theorize that we get angry when we
Feel depressed. People who are depressed are more at risk for feeling angry. Even sadness and grief can generate angry feelings. It is not uncommon for people to become extremely angry when someone they are close to dies.
Are prevented from engaging in something we want to do. Sroufe proposed the existence of an
anger
system. The system kind of works like a pressure cooker. We get more frustrated as we’re blocked time and time again, which eventually leads to the experience of anger with one more blockade. There are no guidelines in this theory about where each of our breaking points is.
Are separated from our attachment figure(s).
An
attachment figure
is someone we have attached to or formed a strong emotional bond with. The theory is based on observing young children’s reactions to being separated from their mothers. This theory seems to make sense even for adults though. Have you ever seen someone fly into a rage when their romantic partner wants to break things off?
Although it can be quite destructive, anger is a valid and important emotion, and there are some positives to it. Anger can be pretty adaptive. It can aid in self-defense and sometimes prevent someone from acting aggressively toward us. If someone is going to hurt us, sometimes a display of anger on our part might make him or her think twice. Keep in mind that some people react to anger with more anger so be careful. Anger can mobilize a lot of physical energy in a short period of time. It can also fuel our ambitions.
