Pulled (20 page)

My blood. From the last lashing. Quickly, I rush out of the closet and toss my bag down, covering the spots. He can't know about this. Not yet. Maybe not ever. I'm not sure if I will ever trust anyone enough to tell this secret.

“
Done,” I say, hoping to sound more convincing than I feel.

“
Not so fast,” he says, reaching down and picking up my backpack. I hold my breath, waiting. “You haven't packed your books,” he says, smiling.

As he goes over to my bed to gather my books, I drag my crumpled up pjs over with the tip of my toe and place the heap over the evidence.

Once he's crammed the last of the books in, I take one last look around the room and decide, right then and there, that I never want to come back.

Etash takes my bag and my hand and walks me to the elevator. As it descends I can feel the tension rolling off of me in waves.
I'm free.

When the elevator doors open, my heart leaps into my throat. There, standing in the lobby, talking to a big busted blond girl named Monica, is Seth.

Etash

I push Naya behind me instinctively, and the noise of the shuffle causes Seth to turn around. His entire body tenses as he stares me down, fully taking in my hand clasped inside hers. She tries to pull away from me, but I won’t let her go.

“
Don't tell me you’re with scar face now?” Seth chides. Scar-face. Real original.

“
That’s not funny,” Naya defends with an odd mouse-like voice.

“
It wasn’t meant to be,” he hisses.

“
Let’s go, Naya,” I say quietly in her ear, gently grabbing hold of her arm.

Seth storms over to me and grabs a fist full of my shirt. “Hands off my girl, freak.”

“
She’s not your
girl,
” I spit.

He surprises me by letting me go, but when he does he pushes me hard, which causes me to stumble back onto the floor, a few feet from Naya. Before I’m able to get back on my feet he’s got his hands on either side of her face whispering softly to her. I push myself off the floor, anger pulsating in my veins that he’s touching her. But when I get closer to them, I can hear what he’s saying.

“
Baby, please, please forgive me. I was an ass last night. I was just so nervous,” he says, kissing the top of her head. “Naya, I wanted to do this the right way last night, but the wine must have gone to my head. I love you. I’ve loved you since the moment I first saw you. You're the best thing that's happened to me, and I promise to do better if you just give me a chance.” Naya starts crying.
Please tell me she's not falling for this?

“
Naya,” he pleads. He gets down on one knee and pulls out a little black box. “I know the timing of this is all wrong, but I want you to marry me.” He starts kissing her hand, causing me to fall limp to my knees; an intense feeling of hopelessness washes over me.

Tears are cascading down her cheeks.
She’s going to say yes to him
. She’s going to say yes, and my entire world is going to be destroyed. My body starts convulsing watching his hands caress her arms, then up and through her hair.

“
Naya,” I whimper, too softly for her to hear, but yet, miraculously, she does. Her eyes look up and find mine and it’s as though she’s been awoken from a spell. She smiles weakly at me, then looks back to Seth.

“
I can’t …” she squeaks. She pushes back from Seth, who looks up at her, dumbfounded, too stunned by the rejection to react.

Naya runs over to me, takes my hand and starts pulling me out the door. The whole time I'm just looking at her with my mouth agape. She just turned him down.

“
Are you sure?” I ask.

“
Positive,” she says. “Now, let's go.”

“
Naya!” Seth bellows, coming back to his senses.

I'm about to turn around to defend her, but she pulls hard against my arm, dragging me forward.

“
Let’s just go.
Now
.”

She runs out of the dorm and throws herself into my car and pushes the lock down. I follow suit, looking up in time to see Seth storming after me out of the lobby. His chest is heaving in anger. The look he gives me is one of sheer loathing.

“
Go,” she orders.

“
This isn’t over, Naya!” he shouts. “I know you love me! This isn’t over!”

She starts sobbing, and I peel out of the parking lot, needing to get her as far away from this place, and her past, as possible.

Even after we’re off campus grounds, I can’t stop looking in the rear-view mirror waiting for a car to come speeding up behind us. I’m careful to check without her noticing.

Pulling into the driveway, I kill the engine.

“
Did he follow us?” she asks.

“
No.”

She nods in understanding but she's shaking.

I help her out of the car and up the stairs. Setting her up on the couch, I grab a blanket and wrap it around her. I even turn the heat up, hoping against hope that it’s just the chill in the air making her shake so. She reaches out and pats the couch beside her.

“
You don't have to be afraid anymore,” I soothe, sitting next to her. “I'm not going to let him lay another finger on you.” She pops her head up and gives me an unreadable look. “I know he hits you.” She takes a small intake of air, her mouth opens, but no words come out.

“
You don't have to hide it anymore, or be embarrassed by it. I'll protect you.” I expect her to try and deny it, to continue to hide. But she doesn't.

“
It's worse than that,” she whispers, so softly that I barely catch it. I reach out for her hand, but she brushes it aside and stands up. She lets out a long controlled breath, before she pulls off her sweatshirt leaving her in just her bra. I’m so shocked by what she’s doing that I don’t see what she’s trying to show me.

It’s only when she turns her back to me and clutches the shirt in a tight ball covering her front, that I realize what she’s doing. She’s showing me her back. At first I don’t understand, but when she straightens herself from her hunched position, I see it. Light pink slash marks zigzagging all along her upper back.

I’m on my feet in a second, getting a better look. Under the pink lines are several more white ones. Marks which have had ample time to heal.

“
What are these?” I ask, sounding far calmer than I am. She walks away from me and pulls the shirt back over her head before she answers me.

“
Belts, mostly. They heal pretty fast and they're always handy.”

I kick the coffee table over causing Naya to jump.

“
I’m going to kill him!”

“
No!” she screams at me, and I'm shocked by the hostility in her voice. “I didn’t show you these so you could be all macho and try to be the hero! I’m a big girl, Etash.” I stare at her, dumbfounded. “I could have stopped him if I had wanted to. I know how to pick up a phone and call a cop. But I didn’t.”

My hands are still balled into fists in anger, but I can sense that she’s desperate to confess a dark secret that I have to let my anger go. Slowly, I walk in front of her and take her hands.

“
Why? Why didn't you call the police?”

Naya

“
Because…” I bite my lip, hesitating. How can I make him understand?

“
Please,” he whispers, and the worry in his voice unglues me. I have to tell him the truth. The truth I’ve never told a living soul.

“
Because when he’s hitting me, I can feel
something.”
My voice is trembling. Etash doesn’t speak; he’s just looking at me horror-struck. “The pain of a belt against my skin is bliss--compared to the numbness I normally feel.”

I can see tears welling up in his eyes, and that infuriates me. I don’t want him feeling sorry for me.

“
I didn't show you this for your pity,” I say through my teeth. “I’m showing you these so you'll understand how screwed up I am! You can't hate Seth for this. This is
my
doing. And I take full ownership of it.” Etash’s face turns to stone.

“
He
hit you Naya. He did. You are not taking ownership of that.”

He doesn’t get it.

“
I don’t expect you to understand this, but what I'm trying to tell you Etash, is that since I met you, I haven't
wanted
to feel the pain anymore.” He looks up at me, blinking away his tears. “You take the numbness away.”

He pulls me into his arms and holds me so close I can hear his heart beating, but then he stiffens.

“
When was the last time he hit you?” I tense in his arms.

“
The morning after you refused the role of Romeo,” I confess, hoping he won't put the pieces together.

“
But that was after we met. If I take the pain away...”

“
Just because I don’t
want
to feel it anymore, doesn’t mean I don’t still
deserve
it,” I say, lowering my head.

“
Deserve
it?” He is downright seething now.

I push him away and walk back over to the couch, and pull my knees into my chest, hugging them as tightly as I can.

“
I didn’t answer his calls that night…and he worried where I was. When he found me the next morning in my room, I think he thought I was with you.” I look up to the ceiling, embarrassed about what I was about to say. “And even though you weren’t physically in the room with me, you were,” I point to my heart. “In here.”

“
So?” he spits, pissed.

“
So, I took the beating willingly!” I shout back, equally ticked off. “I was thinking about you when I should have been thinking about him!”

Etash starts pacing as though he's trying to problem-solve this mess. But the truth is, there isn’t a solution to be had.

“
It’s not his fault, you know,” I say. “His father hit him when he was a kid.” I know I’m betraying a secret confidence, but Etash has to understand.

“
It’s the only way he knows how to show love,” I continue. “I don’t blame him. And I don’t want you to either. If anyone is to blame, it’s me.”

He glares at me.

“
Etash, I’ve allowed him to do this to me;
needed
him to, for my own sanity.” He gives me that pained look again. “But I don’t need him anymore.” I take his hand. “That’s what I’m trying to tell you.”

“
What do you need?” He is desperate for my answer, but I'm too afraid to tell him the truth. Too afraid of his rejection, so I lie.

“
Space
.”

“
Space?”

“
Yeah,” I sigh. “I need a little space. To think, you know?”

He nods slowly. “Of course. I'll leave you alone. I'll be in my room if you need anything.”

After he closes the door, I quietly slip outside. I need some air.

Etash

Pacing in my room, I hear the outside door click.
Is she leaving?
I run to my window and see her. She's standing outside, oddly still, staring at headlights approaching in the driveway. Seth is here.

Chapter 13

Etash