Punching Tom Hanks: Dropkicking Gorillas and Pummeling Zombified Ex-Presidents---A Guide to Beating Up Anything (14 page)

The first thing you need to do is buy a hat with a harmless plastic propeller on the top of it. Then remove the propeller and replace it with a nearly identical copy. This copy should be made of surgical steel and all edges should be polished into ultra-sharp blades.

If you’re not handy with steel and/or an accomplished metal worker or blacksmith, I suppose you could tape regular store-bought razor blades to the old plastic blades. But, a warning, you are going to be giving up a slight amount of the element of surprise with this version. Those familiar with razor blades, what they look like, tape, and ordinary plastic propeller hats, may notice that your version differs from them in a significant way. I’ve found from experience that cops are often such people.

Now that you’ve got your weapon, this is how you use it. Grab a nearby metal rod or iron bar. Lift it, then use it to spin your propeller blade. DO NOT use your fingers for this. Now, jump into the air. Anywhere from an inch, to the limits of what you’re capable of. Now you’re ready to attack any foe hovering just above your head. It’s a nice feeling …

If you’re interested in attacking non-butterfly and/or dragonfly foes, such as other humans, here is that information. Find a leather strap. Using bolts, nuts, and washers, affix it to the hat so that it loops down and around your chin. Make it tight.

Stand across from your foe. Once again start the propeller using a nearby metal rod or iron bar. (
Note:
It’s okay to reuse the one you used earlier.) Once the blade is spinning at a nice clip, bend at the waist into a 90-degree angle. Then charge toward your opponent. As you will now be facing the ground, and not your foe, some have found it useful to use a small compact mirror to target them with. You may also affix this mirror to the propeller hat, if you feel more comfortable having both hands free during a fight.

There’s nothing more frustrating than deciding to beat up some a-hole … only to discover said a-hole has been dead since he conquered half of Asia with a bunch of elephants thousands of years ago. “You mean I don’t get to try my hand at pummeling this jerk? Why even put him in a book, then, if I can’t go punch him?” we’ve all said at one time or another.

Just to be safe though, here are the nuts and bolts on how to beat up plenty of long-dead dicks. After all, time travel is just around the corner, better to err on the side of caution.

HOW TO BEAT UP ZOMBIE ABE LINCOLN

If you’ve been online even a little bit the past month you know one topic has been dominating the conversation. Namely, should the actions of a post-death, “Zombie” Abe Lincoln tarnish the many legislative achievements of his historic political career? My opinion? A little bit.

Not enough to erase all the good he once did, but c’mon, biting the face off a bus driver and six Italian tourists is not an easy thing to smooth over. That’s not an ideal situation, for even an alive politician, still in possession of his tongue and the power of speech, who could possibly defend the act. It’s hard to imagine that drooling, shambling, dull-eyed wreck of a thing as the once proud man who defeated the secessionist Confederate States of America in the Civil War. Seeing his jaws clamped onto the arm of that hapless hobo, it’s hard to conjure the brilliant orator who once fearlessly outmaneuvered Stephen Douglas during the fabled Lincoln/Douglas debates … but there it is. When all is said and done—and he’s once again beneath the ground where he belongs—public opinion on him will have lowered slightly.

After a few more years, though, the actions of the past few weeks will settle into the background. The world will move on and eventually, Lincoln’s zombie rampage will take its place as a minor footnote among the much longer list of many notable things he accomplished.

Which is as it should be. A man’s post-death actions should not undo all the good he did while alive, any more than positive post-death actions should be able to erase the evil a man did before death. I mean, if “Vampire” Hitler came back tomorrow, ignored his impulses to drink human blood and focused entirely on children’s charity work and taking pledges for 10K runs benefiting animals in need, would it erase what he’d done when alive? No. I mean, sure, we’d applaud the effort, and certainly those kids could use some new school supplies and medicine, but he’d still be considered a huge dick. Same goes for “Friendly Ghost” Saddam Hussein (just being friendly isn’t enough, my man) or a Frankenstein’s monster-style Jack the Ripper, rebuilt and sent here to talk about autism. YES, it’s good to get the word out and educate people; NO it doesn’t undo your earlier legacy of terror.

Having settled that, let’s get to the fight.

Killing a Zombie Abe Lincoln will be easy. A zombie is a zombie. Zombie Abe Lincoln is no different than Zombie John Quincy Adams or Zombie Franklin Pierce. (I mean, as far as killing them goes; politically speaking they were all over the map and not at all comparable.) Even non-presidential zombies (zombies that were never elected president) are killed the same way. Simply destroy a significant part of the brain or separate the brain from the body. Use whatever’s around you. A sword, ax, or baseball bat will work. Or if you happened to have traveled back in time and are fighting Zombie Abe Lincoln during his era, the same rules apply. Use an
old-timey
sword,
old-timey
ax, or
old-timey
baseball bat.

Again, that part’s easy. The hard part will be living with your actions.

Living with the knowledge of what you’ve done to the animated corpse of a once great man, who when you squint, still kinda looks like honest Abe. It won’t matter that he’d been infected and devoured half the cul-de-sac before you stepped in. Not to you and not to the others.

Sleepless nights await you … Feverish dreams that erupt in wide-awake screams that startle your wife, and make her question just who it was she married all those many years ago.

The disappointed stares of your children await you. Children who, in addition to attending school and learning of Abe’s great work during the Civil War, will now learn of how their father smeared his brain-craving head all over the front of the family Buick. A brain that once penned the Emancipation Proclamation.

The neighbors will hustle themselves from their car into their house a little quicker when they see you approach. The police and firefighters will be a little slower coming by when they spot your address on the ledger …

Eventually, years from now when you pass on, the neighborhood toughs will vandalize your tombstone, spray-painting a beard and top hat onto it. No one will care. Some will not understand the reference. Though when it is explained to them they will snicker. Heartily.

You had to do it. Everyone knows that, and on some level they’ll understand (cats were disappearing, mailboxes were inexplicably covered in goo, people were really bummed out the few times a day they’d run into him…), but it won’t matter. A great leader was taken from us too soon, twice. And this time it was your fault.

HOW TO BEAT UP A PIRATE

Pirates are huge these days. We’re in the midst of a swashbuckling renaissance the likes of which we haven’t seen since the heyday of Errol Flynn. I am of course referring to the very popular Disney
Pirates of the Caribbean
movies and the fact that actual, living, breathing pirates have recently reemerged and begun butchering people senselessly. Or perhaps they’ve been here all along and the media has only recently begun talking about it. If so, bravo pirates! It’s hard to separate yourself from the general frenzy of what’s happening in the world and good for you for standing out and making a name for yourselves. I’d love to pick your brain about it sometime, to see how you managed to do it. But, you know, through a cage or something, because of your previously stated habit of killing people remorselessly … Here’s the thing, though, that cage I just talked about? I’M IN IT, NOT YOU. Get it? Because I’m the dangerous one here and I know how to beat the piss out of you. Here’s how.

As you’ve probably realized by now, there are two kinds of pirates,
old-timey,
and modern day. They each present a specific set of problems.

OLD-TIMEY PIRATES

I’ve never met a real
old-timey
pirate, but I imagine the first thing you notice is how likable they are. Clad in outlandish attire, waving swords, and swilling rum while tottering across the deck of a ship with gold coins spilling from their pantaloons and telling jokes that involve over-enunciating the letter “R,” what’s not to like? I bet they’d be big on nicknames, too. It’s harder to punch a guy when he’s just given you a cool nickname that you’re kind of hoping will stick. When he wakes up after the beating you gave him, he’ll most likely have abandoned whatever name he gave you based on some quirk or wrinkle in your personality you never noticed before, but are kind of flattered to have called out—in favor of something like, “That dick who sucker punched me.” Ah, well,
que sera sera.
Do it anyway.

The pirate outfit, while attention getting, can be used for an advantage. It’s baggy in places less baggy garments could only dream about. So in a scuffle, grab a piece of cloth, from anywhere—hat, collar, shirt, neckerchief, cummerbund, bow tie, sarong, cape, turtleneck, mock turtleneck, vintage army jacket, visor—and pull it over his nearest body part. By doing this rapidly you can very easily turn your pirate foe into a blinded, stumbling mass of cloth. Then kick him into the briny depths below (Ocean). If you’re the agile sort, drop-kick him off the side of the ship, then save yourself by grabbing the plank, and flip yourself gracefully through the air while doing pirouettes before landing back on the deck. If you’re not, just stick with the kick, then do a little bow to whoever is watching, then get back to mopping the deck or whatever you were doing.

The pirate is often armed but don’t worry about it. He wields a black powder gun which means after he misses the first shot, you have a good seven to ten minutes of him fumbling with powder and lead shot before he’s dangerous again. Of course, while he’s doing this, you’re chopping him in the neck the whole time.

Sometimes
old-timey
pirates come equipped with parrots on their shoulder. On film, they’ve been portrayed as wisecracking, sometimes undermining their big-hatted masters in front of their peers. In real life however, these birds come across as pretty fucking dumb. Just ignore it.

If the pirate has an eye patch (And if he doesn’t, be sure to ask him why the hell not!), step toward the eye patch out of his sightline, while jabbing that side of his head. A few rounds of this, combined with the cloth-trick I showed you, and he’ll be saying, “uncle,” in a charming pirate dialect before you know it.

While you’re pummeling the pirates, take in the delightful pirate flag they’re flying. Pretty cool, right? It’s a simple skull and two crossed bones! The “Jolly Roger” easily beats all other flags with a, “why didn’t we think of it first,” coolness and yet somehow possesses the most effeminate name of any flag ever. The words “jolly” and “roger” would probably take the title separately, but combined it’s a slam dunk. Still, it crushes other flags. You almost imagine Paraguay or some other place seeing that flag for the first time and being like: “Aww man, I didn’t know we were allowed to put skulls and cool shit on there? We just went with a few stripes. Hey, can we change … No, huh? Okay.” (
Starts pouting.
)

MODERN-DAY PIRATES

The first thing you’ll notice about these guys (Well, the second, probably. The first thing will be that he’s climbing onto your boat in the dead of the night with a
rape-y
grin on his mug.), is that they’re dressed just like you or I—if we had a less-evolved fashion sense and grew up poor. I don’t get this about modern-day pirates. Why would you ignore the rich history of your chosen profession? It’s a way to honor those who came before you, plus a built-in excuse to dress in crazy pirate-gear! You don’t want to look like a pirate? Like, why did you even get into this business, then? Modern-day cowboys still resemble cowboys, right? Hats, chaps, belt buckles, snap shirts, boots, etc. Fucking pirates today, man.