Pursued (2 page)

“Daddy!” Javan yelled as he ran up to hug Jack's leg.

“Hi.” I offered tentatively. The protective walls I had built up emotionally in the past few weeks of his absence were firmly in place, and I waited for him to speak.

Jack’s hands were tucked in the pockets of his blue jeans, and he leaned back, regarding Chase and me with steely eyes. “I, uh, I need to ask you a question.”

My heart pounded with hope; maybe he had changed his mind? I glanced down at Javan, who was acting like a tourniquet to Jack's leg, but so far Jack hadn't even said ‘hi’ to his son.

“Yes?” My voice betrayed me with a slight wobble. I swallowed in an effort to eliminate the lump in my throat.

“I um, well, I want the SUV.”

The pounding of my heart suspended as I processed his words. What did he want with the car?

“The SUV?” I repeated dumbly.

“Yeah.” He tried to take a step forward and realized Javan was still attached to his leg. “Go to your mom, boy.” He ruffled Javan’s hair, but his eyes didn't hold any warmth. Javan's face crumpled with hurt, and he shook his head.

“No!”

“Go to your mom, now.” Jack bent down to look him in the eye. Javan studied him for a moment before he turned around and ran to me. The tears were flowing down his face by the time he reached me.

I waited, not wanting to speak. I didn’t want to risk saying something I’d just regret later.

“Yeah, I need the SUV. I don't want to be making such a huge payment on a car, so I'm trading it in. I've already got the papers. I just need your signature.”

“Oh.” I was caught off guard, but I recovered after a moment. “What am I going to drive?” I asked with more confidence than I felt.

“You can have your grandparents’ car back. I don't want it. I'll get something when I trade in the SUV.”

I wanted to argue, complain about how we purchased the SUV so I'd have a reliable car when I drove with the kids. But I didn't open my mouth. Months, years of his accusing me of undermining him if I questioned him in the slightest had turned me into the insecure wreck that I was, and I no longer knew how to fight.

“Okay,” I whispered, as I took the fob and key off my chain and walked over to him.

“Here.” I maintained eye contact, waiting for him to show any sign of remorse, but all I saw was a calculating glint.

“You've lost weight.” His voice was low and I immediately stiffened, wondering what he would say. “Good.” He nodded and took the key from my hand and turned away. He hopped into the SUV before I remembered the car seats.

“Wait!”

He stopped and rolled down the window.

“The car seats, I need them.” I spoke breathlessly as my heart pounded from the emotional stress of it all.

He glanced at Chase and Javan before moving his fingers in an 'okay hurry up and get them' motion.

“Here, I need your signature anyway.”

He handed me the papers to sign before I even opened the back door. The names and amounts sent a tremor through me. Would I see any money from this transaction? A part of me hoped, but the rest of me knew it wouldn’t happen. At least he had been sending me grocery money and paying the bills. I didn’t want to ask for more. Fear that he’d accuse me of being money hungry and losing any chance of him coming home stopped the words from forming as I signed my name.

The moment I had freed the car seats from the SUV he was gone, not even waving goodbye to Javan, who was jumping up and down frantically waving both hands in the air.

On the way to my parents’ house, Javan stared out the window. The sparkle in his eyes was now gone. Soon we arrived at my parents’ house, and as soon as Javan saw the stack of waffles and sausage on my parents’ kitchen table, a bit of the sparkle returned. Chase wiggled as I pulled him from the car carrier and handed him to my mom as I took off my jacket. The house was warm and smelled like home. The temptation to close my eyes and pretend I was sixteen again was overwhelming. Just for one moment I wanted to pretend that I didn't carry the weight of a failed marriage on my shoulders.

“Hi, Pumpkin!” My dad called to me from behind the waffle iron in the kitchen. His eyes twinkled as he glanced at me, but I saw the strain of his smile.

“Hi, Dad.” I managed a weak smile.

“Honey, where’s your car? Did…” My mom’s words died as she saw my eyes fill with fresh tears. Oh when would I get to a point where I’d stop crying?

“Daddy.” Javan replied after swallowing a mouthful of sausage.

My parents’ shocked expressions gave me a moment to gather my thoughts.

“Um, yeah, Jack stopped by this morning. He’s turning in the SUV. He didn’t want such a large payment.”

“He can’t do that, not without your permission! Your name’s on the title!” The angry tone of my dad’s voice spoke all the words I had been afraid to speak earlier. One part of me knew I needed to stand up for myself, but the larger portion of my mind and heart had forgotten how to do it.

“I know, Dad, I gave him permission. I signed the papers.”

Javan’s eating and my parent’s breathing were the only sounds in the room. My mom and I jumped when the timer dinged, and my dad went to release the waffle that just finished.

“Honey, that was your car—“my mom began.

“I know, Mom, but it’s not worth it. You know if I say anything he’ll just jump to some conclusion, and I’ll lose him even more.” I stared at my shoes as I spoke, hating myself for the coward I had become.

“I hate what he’s done to you.” The deep voice of my father carried such weight as I heard the bitterness behind the words.

“Daddy, you shouldn’t hate—“

“I didn’t say I hated Jack. Love’s a choice and I’ve made that choice each day, regardless of how he acted. But.” He turned around and pointed a fork in my direction. “That doesn’t mean I have to love his behavior or the way he’s treated you and my grandsons. “

He was right. And I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I agreed. The room seemed to drain of its tension as Chase made sucking noises on his fist. My mom handed him to me, and I sat on the couch to nurse him.

“Your waffle is ready,” my dad called as I finished nursing.

“Thanks, Dad, but I’m not that hungry.” The encounter with Jack had ruined what little appetite I had been able to keep in the past few weeks since he left.

“Baby, you need to eat. If not for you, for the little one you’re nursing.”

The gentle reminder from my mom forced me to nibble the corner of the golden waffle.

“I’ll ask one more question, and then we’ll put away the topic for the rest of the morning, okay?” My mom spoke as she wrapped an arm around my shoulders.

“Okay.”

“Has he said anything about the future? What he plans do to?”

“No, Mom, and believe me, I’d tell you if I had any clue.”

“All right, honey.” She patted my back and went around the counter to wipe Javan’s syrupy face.

“Who wants to go for a walk?” she called, and Javan almost fell out of his chair in his haste to get his shoes on.

As I watched him run to the door I thought, not for the first time, about how thankful I was that both he and Chase were so young. Their age protected them, to an extent, from the heartache of their father’s absence. Though I felt it acutely, I’d much rather it all fall upon my shoulders. I’d take it all if it meant they’d walk away from this with the sparkle in their eyes still intact. In fact, I was determined it would happen. A stirring in my heart resonated with the truth of my realization. Right now, I may not be accepted as a wife, but I had never stopped being a mom. And I wasn’t about to either. “Wait up, Javan! I’m coming too!”

Another month and a half passed. The dawn of my birthday was crisp and clean with fall frost covering every surface outside of my window. The urge to stay in bed was overwhelming, and I almost fell back asleep before I heard a giggle from the baby monitor.

“Happy Birthday,” I whispered to myself as I stared at the ceiling. The cold floor numbed my feet as I padded to Chase’s room. The stink of a well-soiled diaper greeted me as I opened the door.

“Hi, baby. You couldn’t resist giving mommy a present could you?” I joked as I lifted him from his crib and placed him on the changing table. Once finished, I heard a thump on the wall that let me know Javan had also woken up.

“You can get up, buddy!” I called and was awarded with the thump of little feet hitting the ground and running.

Breakfast was simple and finished quickly. The TV was turned to PBS, and I sat Javan in front of it while I took the carrier to the bathroom so I could shower. I stayed too long in the warm water but decided I was entitled to it. After all, it was my birthday.

A few minutes later, a knock on the door interrupted my makeup routine. I dressed quickly. With Chase in my arms and a quick peek at Javan, gazing intently at
Curious George
, I went to the door.

“Surprise!”

Chase huffed as I jumped and gripped him tightly in shock before it was quickly replaced with joy.

“Samantha!” I cried and wrapped one arm around my wonderful friend, and then I proceeded to hug all eight of her children waiting on my doorstep.

“Come in! It’s freezing! Do you want some coffee?” I gave her a huge grin.

“Of course! We need coffee if we’re going to eat this!” With a flourish, one of her oldest daughters presented a nine by thirteen pan with a decorated cake.

“Oh, Emily! Did you do this by yourself?” I asked the blonde girl with bashful eyes.

“Yes, ma’am.”

“It’s beautiful! Thank you so much!” I hugged her again and led them all to the kitchen.

“Where’s Javan?” Michael asked.

“He’s watching
Curious George
.”

“Cool!” The little boy ran into the living room and slid on the carpet, only to stop inches from where Javan sat.

“Mike!” Javan called joyfully.

I smiled as I walked the rest of the way into the kitchen. Samantha was already helping herself to my cupboards and pulling down glasses and plates. I walked in and smiled as I leaned against the wall.

“Need any help?” I offered after a moment.

“Nope, it’s your birthday. It’s against the rules to work on such a special day! You.” She pointed to one of her little girls and smiled at her. “Take Mrs. Wains’ hand and have her sit in that chair over there. And you keep her there. Make sure you tell her about Sassy.” She winked at her little girl, and the beautiful pixy bobbed her head, bouncing her pigtails all over. With a tenacious grip, she took my hand and led me to the chair all the while chattering about Sassy’s kittens.

“Here you go!” A piece of chocolate cake was placed in front of me, and I inhaled deeply the rich scent of buttercream frosting and devil’s food bliss.

“Emily, if you ever open up a bakery, I will be your number one customer.” The words were spoken in reverence as I took a bite. Heavenly.

“I’m glad you like it, Mrs. Wains.” A blush covered her face at my compliment. Samantha beamed with pride at her oldest daughter.

“I don’t want to be the only one eating. Dig in guys!” I called as I raised my fork in the air. The children cheered as they began to hand out cake. As soon as Javan and Michael heard that cake was available, they ran into the kitchen. After a moment, I saw Samantha stand up.

“Okay, ready?” All of the forks were placed down, and her children stood up. Javan glanced around and followed suit.

“Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy Birthday, Mrs. Wains. Happy birthday to yoooooou!” The song was out of tune and sung at different tempos, but I found it as sweet as an angelic choir.

“Thank you.” I spoke with unshed tears brimming in my eyes. The reason for my tears was not for what others would have assumed. I cried because this was the best birthday I’d had in years.
Because
my husband wasn’t arou
nd.

After an hour or so of light conversation and continued stories about Sassy and her kittens, all told from different points of view, Samantha dismissed her children so that she could speak with me privately. With the children playing in the living room, she pulled me aside into the kitchen once again.

“Okay, I’m going to keep this short and sweet. It’s your birthday, and we’re not going to ruin it by speaking about unpleasant things. I just want to know what you have planned for the rest of the day.”

I was expecting her to ask about Jack. Perhaps to see if I had heard from him. Which, of course, I hadn’t, except for a mailed check every two weeks that was barely enough to cover the simplest groceries and a quarter tank of gas.

“Um, nothing, oh, except my parents are going to take me out to dinner tonight.”

“Okay, good! I just didn’t want you alone on your birthday, sweetie.” She wrapped me in a hug and then grasped my hands. “Heavenly Father, bless my friend today on her birthday. Give her heavenly presents that overwhelm her and open her eyes to see your love for her in the midst of her difficult circumstance. Amen.”

“Amen.” I whispered, thankful for someone to pray for something I had felt too selfish to pray for myself.