Pygmalion and Three Other Plays (Barnes & Noble Classics Series) (71 page)

THE CAPTAIN [
rising wrathfully
] Now before high heaven they have given this innocent child Indian tea: the stuff they tan their own leather insides with. [
He seizes the cup and the tea-pot and empties both into the leathern bucket.
]

ELLIE [
almost in tears
] Oh, please! I am so tired. I should have been glad of anything.

NURSE GUINNESS Oh, what a thing to do! The poor lamb is ready to drop.

THE CAPTAIN You shall have some of my tea. Do not touch that fly-blown
^kk
cake: nobody eats it here except the dogs. [
He disappears into the pantry.
]

NURSE GUINNESS There’s a man for you! They say he sold himself to the devil in Zanzibar before he was a captain; and the older he grows the more I believe them.

A WOMAN’ S VOICE [
in the hall
] Is anyone at home? Hesione! Nurse! Papa! Do come, somebody; and take in my luggage.
Thumping heard, as of an umbrella, on the wainscot.

NURSE GUINNESS My gracious! It’s Miss Addy, Lady Utterword, Mrs Hushabye’s sister: the one I told the captain about. [
Calling
.] Coming, Miss, coming.

LADY UTTERWORD Oh, is that you, Nurse? How are you? You don’t look a day older. Is nobody at home? Where is Hesione? Doesn’t she expect me? Where are the servants? Whose luggage is that on the steps? Where’s papa? Is everybody asleep? [
Seeing ELLIE.
]Oh! I beg your pardon. I suppose you are one of my nieces. [
Approaching her with outstretched arms.
] Come and kiss your aunt, darling.

ELLIE I’m only a visitor. It is my luggage on the steps.

NURSE GUINNESS I’ll go get you some fresh tea, ducky. [
She takes up the tray.
]

ELLIE But the old gentleman said he would make some himself.

NURSE GUINNESS Bless you! he’s forgotten what he went for already. His mind wanders from one thing to another.

LADY UTTERWORD Papa, I suppose?

NURSE GUINNESS Yes, Miss.

LADY UTTERWORD
[vehemently]
Don’t be silly, Nurse. Don’t call me Miss.

NURSE GUINNESS [
placidly
]
No, lovey
[
she goes out with the tea-tray
].

LADY UTTERWORD [
sitting down with a flounce on the sofa
] I know what you must feel. Oh, this house, this house! I come back to it after twenty-three years; and it is just the same: the luggage lying on the steps, the servants spoilt and impossible, nobody at home to receive anybody, no regular meals, nobody ever hungry because they are always gnawing bread and butter or munching apples, and, what is worse, the same disorder in ideas, in talk, in feeling. When I was a child I was used to it: I had never known anything better, though I was unhappy, and longed all the time—oh, how I longed!—to be respectable, to be a lady, to live as others did, not to have to think of everything for myself. I married at nineteen to escape from it. My husband is Sir Hastings Utterword, who has been governor of all the crown colonies in succession. I have always been the mistress of Government House. I have been so happy: I had forgotten that people could live like this. I wanted to see my father, my sister, my nephews and nieces (one ought to, you know), and I was looking forward to it. And now the state of the house! the way I’m received! the casual impudence of that woman Guinness, our old nurse! really Hesione might at least have been here: some preparation might have been made for me. You must excuse my going on in this way; but I am really very much hurt and annoyed and disillusioned: and if I had realized it was to be like this, I wouldn’t have come. I have a great mind to go away without another word [
she is on the point of weeping
]
.

ELLIE [
also very miserable
] Nobody has been here to receive me either. I thought I ought to go away too. But how can I, Lady Utterword? My luggage is on the steps; and the station fly
^kl
has gone.

THE CAPTAIN Your tea, young lady. What! another lady! I must fetch another cup [
he makes for the pantry
]
.

LADY UTTERWORD [
rising from the sofa, suffused with emotion
] Papa! Don’t you know me? I’m your daughter.

THE CAPTAIN Nonsense! my daughter’s upstairs asleep. [
He vanishes through the half door.
]

ELLIE [
going to her with the cup
] Don’t be so distressed. Have this cup of tea. He is very old and very strange: he has been just like that to me. I know how dreadful it must be: my own father is all the world to me. Oh, I’m sure he didn’t mean it.
The captain returns with another cup.

THE CAPTAIN Now we are complete. [
He places it on the tray.
]

LADY UTTERWORD [
hysterically
] Papa, you can’t have forgotten me. I am Ariadne. I’m little Paddy Patkins. Won’t you kiss me? [
She goes to him and throws her arms round his neck.
]

THE CAPTAIN [
woodenly enduring her embrace
] How can you be Ariadne? You are a middle-aged woman: well preserved, madam, but no longer young.

LADY UTTERWORD But think of all the years and years I have been away, Papa. I have had to grow old, like other people.

THE CAPTAIN [
disengaging himself
] You should grow out of kissing strange men: they may be striving to attain the seventh degree of concentration.

LADY UTTERWORD But I’m your daughter. You haven’t seen me for years.

THE CAPTAIN So much the worse! When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them. But when they are away, we console ourselves for their absence by dwelling on their vices. That is how I have come to think my absent daughter Ariadne a perfect fiend; so do not try to ingratiate yourself here by impersonating her [he walks firmly
away
to the other side
of
the
room
].

LADY UTTERWORD Ingratiating myself indeed! [
With dignity
.] Very well, papa. [
She sits down at the drawing-table and pours out tea for herself.
]

THE CAPTAIN I am neglecting my social duties.You remember Dunn? Billy Dunn?

LADY UTTERWORD Do you mean that villainous sailor who robbed you?

THE CAPTAIN [
introducing ELLIE
] His daughter. [
He sits down on the sofa.
]

ELLIE [
protesting
] No—

THE CAPTAIN Take that hogwash away. Do you hear?

NURSE You’ve actually remembered about the tea! [
To ELLIE
.] Oh, miss, he didn’t forget you after all! You have made an impression.

THE CAPTAIN [
gloomily
] Youth! beauty! novelty! They are badly wanted in this house. I am excessively old. Hesione is only moderately young. Her children are not youthful.

LADY UTTERWORD How can children be expected to be youthful in this house? Almost before we could speak we were filled with notions that might have been all very well for pagan philosophers of fifty, but were certainly quite unfit for respectable people of any age.

NURSE You were always for respectability, Miss Addy.

LADY UTTERWORD Nurse, will you please remember that I am Lady Utterword, and not Miss Addy, nor lovey, nor darling, nor doty? Do you hear?

NURSE Yes, ducky: all right. I’ll tell them all they must call you My lady. [
She takes her tray out with undisturbed placidity.
]

LADY UTTERWORD What comfort? what sense is there in having servants with no manners?

ELLIE [
rising and coming to the table to put down her empty cup
] Lady Utterword, do you think Mrs Hushabye really expects me?

LADY UTTERWORD Oh, don’t ask me. You can see for yourself that I’ve just arrived; her only sister, after twenty-three years’ absence! and it seems that
I
am not expected.

THE CAPTAIN What does it matter whether the young lady is expected or not? She is welcome. There are beds: there is food. I’ll find a room for her myself [
he makes for the door
]
.

ELLIE [
following him to stop him
] Oh, please—[
He goes out.]
Lady Utterword, I don’t know what to do. Your father persists in believing that my father is some sailor who robbed him.

LADY UTTERWORD You had better pretend not to notice it. My father is a very clever man; but he always forgot things; and now that he is old, of course he is worse. And I must warn you that it is sometimes very hard to feel quite sure that he really forgets.

MRS HUSHABYE Ellie, my darling, my pettikins [kissing her], how long have you been here? I’ve been at home all the time: I was putting flowers and things in your room; and when I just sat down for a moment to try how comfortable the armchair was I went off to sleep. Papa woke me and told me you were here. Fancy your finding no one, and being neglected and abandoned. [
Kissing her again
.] My poor love! [
She deposits
ELLIE on the sofa. Meanwhile ARIADNE has left the table and come over to claim her share of attention.]
Oh! you’ve brought someone with you. Introduce me.

LADY UTTERWORD Hesione, is it possible that you don’t know me?

MRS HUSHABYE [
conventionally
] Of course I remember your face quite well. Where have we met?

LADY UTTERWORD Didn’t Papa tell you I was here? Oh! this is really too much. [
She throws herself sulkily into the big chair.
]

MRS HUSHABYE Papa!

LADY UTTERWORD Yes, Papa. Our papa, you unfeeling wretch! [
Rising angrily.
] I’ll go straight to a hotel.

MRS HUSHABYE [
seizing her by the shoulders
] My goodness gracious goodness, you don’t mean to say that you’re Addy!

LADY UTTERWORD I certainly am Addy; and I don’t think I can be so changed that you would not have recognized me if you had any real affection for me. And Papa didn’t think me even worth mentioning!

MRS HUSHABYE What a lark! Sit down [
she pushes her back into the chair instead of kissing her, and posts herself behind it].
You
do
look a swell. You’re much handsomer than you used to be. You’ve made the acquaintance of Ellie, of course. She is going to marry a perfect hog of a millionaire for the sake of her father, who is as poor as a church mouse; and you must help me to stop her.

ELLIE Oh, please, Hesione!

MRS HUSHABYE My pettikins, the man’s coming here today with your father to begin persecuting you; and everybody will see the state of the case in ten minutes; so what’s the use of making a secret of it?

ELLIE He is not a hog, Hesione. You don’t know how wonderfully good he was to my father, and how deeply grateful I am to him.

MRS HUSHABYE [
to LADY UTTERWORD
]. Her father is a very remarkable man, Addy. His name is Mazzini Dunn. Mazzini
^ko
was a celebrity of some kind who knew Ellie’s grandparents. They were both poets, like the Brownings; and when her father came into the world Mazzini said, “Another soldier born for freedom!” So they christened him Mazzini; and he has been fighting for freedom in his quiet way ever since. That’s why he is so poor.

ELLIE I am proud of his poverty.

MRS HUSHABYE Of course you are, pettikins. Why not leave him in it, and marry someone you love?

LADY UTTERWORD [
rising suddenly and explosively
] Hesione, are you going to kiss me or are you not?

MRS HUSHABYE What do you want to be kissed for?

LADY UTTERWORD I
don’t
want to be kissed; but I do want you to behave properly and decently. We are sisters. We have been separated for twenty-three years. You
ought
to kiss me.

MRS HUSHABYE To-morrow morning, dear, before you make up. I hate the smell of powder.

LADY UTTERWOOD Oh! you unfeeling—[
she is interrupted by the return of the captain
]
.

THE CAPTAIN [
to ELLIE
] Your room is ready. [
ELLIE rises.
] The sheets were damp; but I have changed them [
he makes for the garden door on the port side
]
.

LADY UTTERWORD Oh! What about my sheets?

THE CAPTAIN [
halting at the door
] Take my advice: air them: or take them off and sleep in blankets. You shall sleep in Ariadne’s old room.

LADY UTTERWORD Indeed I shall do nothing of the sort. That little hole! I am entitled to the best spare room.

THE CAPTAIN [
continuing unmoved
] She married a numskull. She told me she would marry anyone to get away from home.

LADY UTTERWORD You are pretending not to know me on purpose. I will leave the house.