Read QI: The Book of General Ignorance - the Noticeably Stouter Edition Online
Authors: John Lloyd,John Mitchinson
Tags: #Humor, #General
QI: The Book of General Ignorance - the Noticeably Stouter Edition (50 page)
A telemessage.
It’s no longer a telegram from Her Majesty and it isn’t automatic – you have to apply for it.
UK inland telegrams were abolished in 1982 and replaced by telemessages which are delivered the next day, along with the normal post. BT describes the new service as: ‘an efficient means of contacting customers with vital information, integrating into their whole customer communication strategy to produce real added value results.’ Sounds enticing, doesn’t it?
In the United Kingdom, the Queen (if asked) sends telemessage greetings on the 100th birthday and on every birthday after the 105th. In the United States, centenarians receive a letter from the President. Today, centenarians are the fastest-growing demographic group in the UK – increasing by 7 per cent each year. In 2000, there were 7,000 people in the UK aged 100 or more. Worldwide, there were an estimated 100,000. By 2050, there could be more than two million.
According to Genesis 5: 27, Methuselah lived to be 969 years old. It has been suggested that this was a translation
error in which lunar cycles were mistaken for the solar ones, and the actual ages are 13.5 times less. This makes Methusaleh a rather ordinary seventy-two. However, other patriarchs such as Mahalalel (Genesis 5: 15) and Enoch (Genesis 5: 21) were said to have become fathers after sixty-five ‘years’. If the lunar cycle theory is accepted this would translate to an age of about four years and ten months.
Jeanne Calment of Arles is the oldest person whose age has definitely been verified by modern documentation. Born in 1875, she lived to the age of 122.
At 116 years, Christian Mortensen (1882–1998), a Danish-born American, is the oldest documented male. His closest rival, Shigechiyo Izumi (?1865–1986) from Japan, is supposed to have reached 120, but there are rumours that his birth certificate was actually his brother’s. His claim is recognised by the
Guinness Book of World Records
.
On her 121st birthday, Jeanne Calment was asked for the secret of her longevity. She attributed it to olive oil, which she ate nearly every meal as well as rubbing it into her skin. ‘I only have one wrinkle,’ she gurgled coquettishly, ‘and I’m sitting on it.’
Pilotf
Alan Davies (118 points)
Bill Bailey (Winner with 132 points)
Eddie Izzard (131 points) 1st and only appearance
Kit Hesketh-Harvey (125 points) 1st and only appearance
Episode 1 ‘Adam’
Alan Davies (–5 points)
Danny Baker (Winner with 18 points) 1st appearance
Hugh Laurie (11 points) 1st and only appearance
John Sessions (10 points) 1st appearanc
Episode 2 ‘Astronomy’
Alan Davies (–30 points)
Bill Bailey (5 points) 1st appearance
Rich Hall (Joint Winner with 20 points) 1st appearance
Jeremy Hardy (Joint Winner with 20 points) 1st appearance
Episode 3 ‘Aquatic Animals’
Alan Davies (–20 points)
Clive Anderson (Winner with 26 points) 1st appearance
Bill Bailey (10 points) 2nd appearance
Meera Syal (19 points) 1st and only appearance
Episode 4 ‘Atoms’
Alan Davies (–24 points)
Jo Brand (Winner with 36 points) 1st appearance
Howard Goodall (13 points) 1st appearance
Jeremy Hardy (7 points) 2nd appearance
Episode 5 ‘Advertising’
Alan Davies (15 points)
Gyles Brandreth (Winner with 54 points) 1st and only appearance
Rob Brydon (17 points) 1st appearance
Rich Hall (35 points) 2nd appearance
Episode 6 ‘Antidotes’
Alan Davies (8 points)
Danny Baker (Winner with 19 points) 2nd appearance
Jo Brand (13 points) 2nd appearance
Howard Goodall (17 points) 2nd appearance
Episode 7 ‘Arthropods’
Alan Davies (0 points)
Jo Brand (–38 points) 3rd appearance
Jimmy Carr (–1 point) 1st appearance
Jackie Clune (Winner with 5 points) 1st and only appearance
Episode 8 ‘Albania’
Alan Davies (–30 points)
Clive Anderson (Winner with 37 points) 2nd appearance
Sean Lock (25 points) 1st appearance
Linda Smith (30 points) 1st appearance
Episode 9 ‘Africa’
Alan Davies (10 points)
Jo Brand (15 points) 4th appearance
Dave Gorman (Winner with 20 points) 1st and only appearance
Jeremy Hardy (15 points) 3rd appearance
Episode 10 ‘Alan’
Alan Davies (Winner with 23 points!) 1st win
Rich Hall (3 points) 3rd appearance
Julia Morris (9 points) 1st and only appearance
Peter Serafinowicz (–5 points) 1st and only appearance
Episode 11 ‘Arts’
Alan Davies (–18 points)
Bill Bailey (–2 points) 3rd appearance
Richard E. Grant (Winner with 12 points) 1st and only appearance
Linda Smith (5 points) 2nd appearance
Episode 12 ‘Advent’ (Christmas Special)
Alan Davies (–6 points)
Phill Jupitus (5 points) 1st appearance
Sean Lock (7 points) 2nd appearance
John Sessions (Winner with 28 points) 2nd appearance
Episode 1 ‘Blue’
Alan Davies (–22 points)
Bill Bailey (7 points) 4th appearance
Jo Brand (–20 points) 5th appearance
Sean Lock (Winner with 17 points) 3rd appearance
Episode 2 ‘Birds’
Alan Davies (–40 points)
Jo Brand (–8 points) 6th appearance
Rich Hall (Winner with 3 points) 4th appearance
Phil Kay (1 point) 1st appearance
Episode 3 ‘Bombs’
Alan Davies (–4 points)
Clive Anderson (1 point) 3rd appearance
Rich Hall (2 points) 5th appearance
Phill Jupitus (Winner with 4 points) 2nd appearance
Episode 4 ‘Bible’
Alan Davies (–6 points)
Jeremy Clarkson (Winner with 5 points) 1st appearance
Barry Cryer (–6 points) 1st and only appearance
Jeremy Hardy (3 points) 4th appearance
Episode 5 ‘Bears’
Alan Davies (–35 points)
Bill Bailey (–5 points) 5th appearance
Jo Brand (8 points) 7th appearance
Jimmy Carr (Winner with 15 points) 2nd appearance
Episode 6 ‘Beavers’
Alan Davies (–18 points)
Bill Bailey (6 points) 6th appearance
Sean Lock (–18 points) 4th appearance
Anneka Rice (Winner with 7 points) 1st and only appearance
Episode 7 ‘Biscuits’
Alan Davies (–20 points)
Rich Hall (2 points) 6th appearance
Dara Ó Briain (Winner with 4 points) 1st appearance
Arthur Smith (–18 points) 1st appearance
Episode 8 ‘Bees’
Alan Davies (–19 points)
Rich Hall (Winner with 5 points) 7th appearance
Jo Brand (–8 points) 8th appearance
Fred MacAulay (4 points) 1st and only appearance
Episode 9 ‘Bats’
Alan Davies (–72 points)
Rich Hall (Joint Winner With 4 points) 8th appearance
Josie Lawrence (Joint Winner With 4 points) 1st and only appearance
John Sessions (–14 points) 3rd appearance
Episode 10 ‘Bills’
Alan Davies (–26 points)
Phil Kay (0 points) 2nd appearance
Clive Anderson (Winner with 1 point) 4th appearance
John Sessions (–10 points) 4th appearance
Episode 11 ‘Beats’
Alan Davies (–13 points)
Mark Gatiss (–4 points) 1st and only appearance
Sean Lock (–8 points) 5th appearance
Linda Smith (Winner with 2 points) 3rd and final appearance
Episode 12 ‘Birth’ (Christmas special)
Alan Davies (–52 points)
Rich Hall (Winner with 7 points) 9th appearance (6th appearance of
the series)
Mark Steel (2 points) 1st appearance
Phill Jupitus (–3 points) 3rd appearance
Stephen Fry (–56 points)
Episode 1 ‘Campanology’
Alan Davies (–25 points)
Bill Bailey (–5 points) 7th appearance
Rob Brydon (–16 points) 2nd appearance
Rich Hall (Winner with 8 points) 10th appearance
Episode 2 ‘Cummingtonite’
Alan Davies (–4 points)
Andy Hamilton (Winner with 5 points) 1st appearance
Doon Mackichan (–2 points) 1st appearance
Arthur Smith (–6 points) 2nd appearance
Episode 3 ‘Common Knowledge
’
Alan Davies (–9 points)
Jimmy Carr (–12 points) 3rd appearance
Sean Lock (0 points) 6th appearance
Rory McGrath (Winner with 88 points) 1st appearance
Episode 4 ‘Cheating’
Alan Davies (–52 points)
Alexander Armstrong (Winner with 93 points) 1st and only
appearance
Jeremy Clarkson (0 points) 2nd appearance
John Sessions (–10 points) 5th appearance
Episode 5 ‘Cat’s Eyes’
Alan Davies (–18 points)
Jo Brand (–28 points) 9th appearance
Rich Hall (3 points) 11th appearance
Sean Lock (Winner with 12 points) 7th appearance
Episode 6 ‘Cockneys’
Alan Davies (–19 points)
Bill Bailey (Winner with 3 points) 8th appearance
Phill Jupitus (–12 points) 4th appearance
Rory McGrath (–1 point) 2nd appearance
Episode 7 ‘Constellations’
Alan Davies (–18 points)
Jeremy Clarkson (Winner with 5 points) 3rd appearance
Rich Hall (2 points) 12th appearance
Sean Lock (3 points) 8th appearance
Episode 8 ‘Corby
’
Alan Davies (–40 points)
Bill Bailey (–8 points) 9th appearance
Phill Jupitus (–9 points) 5th appearance
David Mitchell (Winner with 0 points) 1st appearance
Episode 9 ‘Creatures’
Alan Davies (15 points)
Helen Atkinson-Wood (Winner with 200 points) 1st and only appearance
Bill Bailey (–20 points) 10th appearance
Andy Hamilton (22 points) 2nd appearance
Episode 10 ‘Cleve Crudgington’
Alan Davies (–84 points)
Clive Anderson (–28 points) 5th appearance
John Sessions (–16 points) 6th appearance
Mark Steel (Winner with 2 points) 2nd appearance
Episode 11 ‘Carnival’
Alan Davies (–26 points)
Clive Anderson (Winner with 0 points) 6th appearance
Jo Brand (–23 points) 10th appearance
Phill Jupitus (–23 points) 6th appearance
Episode 12 ‘Combustion’
Alan Davies (–47 points)
Bill Bailey (Winner with 3 points) 11th appearance
Phill Jupitus (–18 points) 7th appearance
Dara Ó Briain (–8 points) 2nd appearance