Queen Bitch of the Callowwood Pack (Siren Publishing Classic) (15 page)

I don’t care what we look like. I want to
remember
what it
feels
like!

Why? So you can take
more
of my time from me? Kiss my furry butt!

Julianna felt even further away from her Sister as anger surged on both sides. Gritting her teeth, she relaxed her shoulders a little and tried again, pushing her frustration away. The memories of her previous shifts began to come into focus, but the wolf resisted being boxed in by her dictation.

Please, Sister, don’t push me away
.

Suddenly a voice more primal than she had ever heard in her head, snarled,
You pushed
me
away, pushed me
down
until I had to hide away so you could
forget
me! You ignored the
moon
, you ignored the
song
of Her when She called you! Why did you do this to me?

Julianna was shocked by the anger and frustration in her inner voice, and her anger at her Sister’s reluctance withered. Had she shoved her lupine half away? Why had she done that?

There wasn’t anyone around to teach me what I was.

The wolf scoffed, and Julianna realized that response was incomplete. She had been alone among humans growing up, and she’d felt the instinctual fear of revealing her true nature to them, but those reasons were only part of it. Thinking back to when she’d been a child, she remembered deliberately forgetting the wolf within.

Amazement and chagrin flooded through her. Why had she done that?

A memory surfaced of an orphanage full of children, human children, and being reprimanded for growling and swatting at the other kids like she would her littermates. By the time Beth and Gerry Morris came looking for a child, she’d already suppressed her lupine self to fit in amongst the others. She’d understood instinctually that her best chance of finding a family would be to be as human as possible.

She’d continued to act human even after the Morrises adopted her and brought her to Callowwood to protect herself from abandonment. Beth was the only mother she’d known and even the child she’d been knew Beth’s loss would be devastating.

What had happened to her lupine parents? Julianna knew she’d been adopted by the Morrises when she was a little over a year old. Where were her blood kin?
Who
were they, and why had they abandoned her all those years ago?

I’m sorry, Sister,
she said with heavy regret.
I was afraid and alone, and no one understood me on the outside. I had to fit in and the humans don’t know anything about us. I’m very sorry. Please help me remember how it is to be together.

No!

Julianna tightened her jaw in frustration but tried to remain reasonable.
Stop acting like a recalcitrant child! I can’t change the past, and I’m sorry. I understand what and who I truly am, and I need you. I want you to be part of my life, not just someone I know three days a month.

You left me alone in the dark. You turned away from me and
pretended
I didn’t exist. I won’t let you take back those three days a month ever again. They’re mine!

I don’t want to take them from you. I want to
share
them with you!
Juliana shouted back, her hands curling into fists.
I want to share every day of every month with you. I don’t want to be alone again any more than you do! Stop fighting me for less than you could have
with
me!

Her wolf half snarled and fought a mental tug-of-war with Julianna. Her logical brain told her fighting would get her nowhere, but giving up seemed an even less attractive option. Snarls filled the stillness of the clearing as she struggled to gain the upper hand. She saw herself grappling with her darker half in her mind’s eye, rolling and snapping with primal fury. She refused to give up.

Julianna didn’t know how long she struggled with her Sister, but eventually logic and humor pushed through the emotional upheaval, and she started to laugh. Why the hell was she fighting herself,
again
? She owed her Sister, and fighting resolved nothing.

Her laughter rang out in the clearing and jarred the wolf’s resistance. Julianna pictured her Sister’s ears flagging and her head cocking to one side in confusion as Julianna relented.

You’re right, Sister. I made a mistake and I owe you. Take your place as my partner and equal.
She simply surrendered to the wolf side, bowing to her mentally, and her body started to change as the lupine surged through her.

Julianna’s ears shifted to the top of her head, and sound sharpened into crystal clarity. Her jaw and nose elongated, and her tail lengthened into a thick brush, scraping across the forest floor. Her fingers and toes shortened, and her shoulders slid backward until her chest narrowed. She felt stifling heat as if she wore a heavy, thick coat in the blazing sun, and she opened her mouth to unroll her tongue in an effort to cool down. Then she opened her eyes.

The world had changed significantly. Every detail was sharper. Honeybees buzzed around the few flowers in the clearing wearing sharp jackets of gold and black while the rocks cast knife-edged shadows on individual blades of grass, waving gently in the breeze like green bristly hair. Everything seemed bigger or taller than she remembered. Even Sebrina looked
down
on her, though her face showed a satisfied smile.

“Very good, my daughter.” Her whisper carried like a normal voice to Julianna’s ears.

Sounds she’d been ignoring, such as the woodpecker pounding on a tree somewhere nearby or the patter of little rodent feet through the under growth, were as clear as if she’d put on headphones. She inhaled deeply and
smelled
the rodents and flowers and bees and the deer that had passed through this clearing earlier that morning. Sebrina’s scent wove its way into her awareness, a mixture of satisfaction, wolf, and pride. Before Julianna could savor the sights and scents, sharp surprise, sorrow, and regret tainted the air around the Paiute woman, and her smile disappeared.

Quick as lightning, the woman grabbed Julianna’s muzzle and turned her head sharply to the right, staring at her intently. Julianna had never seen herself in her wolf form so she had no idea what Sebrina was looking at, but whatever it was, the woman paled, and her hand shook where it touched Julianna’s muzzle.

Julianna whined uncertainly and thought,
“What, Sebrina?”

The woman jerked as if she’d been slapped and stared at Julianna’s eyes with surprise and disbelief.

“It cannot be,” she whispered then, shaking her head in denial without letting Julianna free of her grip. “It cannot be.”

Julianna whined again.
“What can’t be? I don’t understand.”

“Great Mother Moon, I never thought…to see…”

Julianna’s Sister didn’t like the scents coming from Sebrina and tucked her tail between her hind legs, trying to back away from the agonized Paiute woman. A whine full of fearful confusion escaped from Julianna’s chest, and she quailed at the loss of confidence in her inner wolf.

You must be your Sister’s leader, her protector. You must lead in your transformation from now on. It will keep you and your Sister safe.
Sebrina’s instructions shot through Julianna’s awareness, and she pushed forward, taking the lead from her Sister.

Julianna tugged her head in Sebrina’s hand, pulling her lips back to bare her teeth, but the woman held fast for a few more moments. Sebrina appeared to be lost in whatever showed on Julianna’s face and the sorrow radiating from her overwhelmed her scent. Julianna’s Sister started to panic, and when Julianna growled like an animal cornered at the edge of fight or flight, Sebrina released her, dropping to her knees in the grass.

“I’m sorry, daughter, so sorry!” Sebrina wailed as she flattened her hands in the grass and placed her head between her arms until her forehead touch the ground. “I didn’t understand all those years ago, and I was afraid. Please forgive me.”

Julianna stood tensely, her legs braced for flight and her tail low.

What is she talking about, Sister?

I don’t know, but this is strange behavior. She is Alpha.

Slowly, Julianna stretched out her neck to sniff at the back of Sebrina’s head. The woman still smelled like sorrow and regret, but new scents of amazement and hope filtered through the morass of discomfort.

“I still don’t understand, Sebrina,”
she thought, cocking her head to one side as she took in the Paiute woman’s posture.
“Please explain. None of this makes sense to me.”
She whined again and stiffened her legs to keep from bolting away.

Sebrina jerked her head up and stared at Julianna with great sorrow in her eyes, but she tried to smile compassionately. “I’m sorry, daughter. I didn’t mean to confuse you.” She sat back on her haunches and retreated behind her First People’s mask of impassiveness. “You’re very powerful indeed if you can speak with your mind alone.”

“Why are you so sad, Sebrina? Did I do something wrong? I followed your directions. I don’t understand.”

“Great Mother Moon, you’re more beautiful than I ever expected,” the woman murmured to herself, gazing back at Julianna. Then she blinked and shook her head. “No, no, daughter, you’ve done nothing wrong. You’ve done very well, and I’m
very
proud of you. Such strength!”

Sebrina’s scent had changed again as she levered herself to her feet. Julianna watched the older woman uncertainly, noting her movements seemed a little stiff as if sorrow still dragged at her.

“Now, change back.”

At first, Julianna didn’t understand the command.

“Go on, change back to your human form.”

Unreasoning fear flared to life and Julianna’s Sister locked her will into place, refusing to budge.

I won’t be locked in that hideous upright shape again!

Don’t be a coward. We’re a team, now, remember?

We’ve never been a team.

We gotta be one now, or we’ll end up dead.

They fought for dominance again, but Julianna pushed persistently and patiently, offering her Sister self a “seat” in her mind closer to the surface. The wolf gave in with this small concession, and their body changed until Julianna stood upright once more, shaking and panting. The world appeared a little less crisp like the difference between the image on a regular TV and the same image on a high definition TV. It wasn’t exactly fuzzy, just less sharp, the sound dampened.

Surprise filtered into Julianna’s awareness when she realized she again wore the clothes she’d dressed in that morning.
That’s weird. Shouldn’t they disintegrate or at least fall off?

“Where do my clothes go when I shift, Sebrina?”

“Into the Goddess’ care. She holds them for safe keeping while we are in our true forms then returns them to us when we change back so we will remain hidden among the humans.”

Julianna raised a skeptical eyebrow.

“Change again,” Sebrina demanded.

Before Julianna could protest, her Sister form leaped forward, swelling into place, and she stood as a wolf almost immediately. Sebrina clucked her tongue in disapproval, and Julianna growled in frustration.

“Change.”

Julianna changed back and forth from her human to wolf bodies until she was exhausted. She’d reached a tentative truce with her Sister self, an acceptance of the leadership Julianna could provide in either form. The wolf remained close to the surface of her awareness and understood Julianna no longer feared to change into her natural shape. She stopped fighting Julianna when they turned human.

“Dear God, I’m tired and hungry,” she gasped when she once again stood in her human form.

Sebrina laughed gently. “I’d believe you are. Come, let’s go catch our lunch.”

“What?” Julianna blinked in surprise, but there was no one to ask except a salt and pepper colored wolf in the clearing.

The creature stood strong and beautiful, despite the white age showing on the bridge of her nose. She had a thick healthy coat, but Julianna could tell life had been lived in the body. The ears still perked sharply, and the golden eyes showed no signs of weakness. The only unusual thing about this female was a ring of silver spots around her left eye. They didn’t appear to be a mark of age, but rather, they looked like a glittering tattoo in the sunlight, matching the tribal tattoo on Sebrina’s human face.

Julianna studied the wolf for a few moments longer until the older female growled impatiently and turned toward the exit trail.

“Oh, right!” She shifted to her wolf form and followed Sebrina deeper into the woods.

The next hour seemed like a comedy of errors. Sebrina was an expert in hunting, but the best Julianna could do was snag a couple of stupid and slow rock squirrels after
she remembered to mentally step back and let her Sister take over. She was so hungry she didn’t have the patience to be disgusted with ripping and tearing at some poor animal’s body. The chase had been exhilarating, and the victory was sweet. Even the hot blood and muscle was delicious.