Quicksilver Dreams (Dreamwalkers) (31 page)

Asily is beyond the trees?
I asked hesitantly.

Ryder pulled away, somehow still stuck in his young form, seemingly unsure what state of mind to remain in. Confusion, grief and guilt were mixed together on his face, and it was like his feelings forced him to remain in his young mind.
I
found her.

What happened?

I
can’t tell you.

Please
,
Ryder.

You won’t like me when I tell you.
Sorrow haunted his light eyes, making him appear so young and fragile, the evidence of his snarky side shelved in view of his grief.

That’s just not true.
Why would you say that?

In a quiet, juvenile voice, he said,
My dad stopped liking me.
He looked down as though ashamed.

You can’t believe that.
There’s no way this is your fault.

It is.
I
know it.
There’s a reason for strict discipline and complete obedience.
Things happen when we don’t meet expectations and rules of governance.
I
didn’t follow my instructions.
I
was selfish.

Trust me
, I said firmly.
Please tell me what happened.

With a deep, shuddering breath, he said,
I
snuck out to play with my ball.
I
was going crazy staring at the same walls all day
,
every day
,
for the last year while there was a quarantine
,
and I didn’t think that anyone would know if I just stepped out for a couple of hours.
I
just wanted to be able to run around for a short time.

A
year’s a long time
, I agreed. It was like he was trying to convince himself of his innocence in this, which was heartbreaking. Who would blame a child? I assured him gently,
Anyone would grow crazy.
I
would go crazy after just a few days.

Ryder’s green eyes were wide and trusting, wanting desperately to be convinced.

Asily knew I snuck out and came looking for me to force me to go home.
I
heard her scream
,
but I couldn’t find her.
He closed his eyes tightly, and his breathing grew harsh and uneven, reliving the memory. As he did, right before my eyes, he stood and became adult Ryder in low-hanging jeans, a T-shirt and his motorcycle boots. His deep voice continued the story.

The sound echoed in the woods
,
but then it was cut off
,
and I couldn’t pinpoint where she was.
I
was yelling for her
,
searching
,
but when I came across her body
,
it was too late
... His lips tightened into a thin line, and his eyes glared straight ahead at an unseen nightmare that only he had access to.

Oh
,
Ryder.
I stood but kept my distance, knowing he wouldn’t appreciate my comfort at this point.

Brausiian soldiers had escaped from the prison.
A
traitor in our own community helped them
,
someone we never found.
A
diversion at the borders had been deliberately created so the prisoners could escape to this forest.
They were camping out in the woods
,
hiding from our security forces.
Asily came upon them in her search
,
and they attacked.

It seemed the worst was still to be confessed. His eyes grew moist and reddened as he took a breath. I barely heard his voice. It was like he was talking to himself.

She was so quiet.
So still.
I
tried to shake her.
I
tried to yell at her
,
because she hated that
,
and I think I was hoping she would yell back
,
but there was nothing.
That’s when I realized I couldn’t feel her energy signature.
Nothing.
Her neck had been broken.

Her skirts
... His voice became raw, and he paused to marshal his strength for the rest of what he had to say.
Her skirts were still around her hips.
She was raped.
There was blood.
Pain.
I
covered her
,
not wanting my parents to see her like that.

You haven’t spoken about this before have you?

Who could I tell this to?
I
can’t believe I’m sharing it with you.

No wonder he was so screwed up. He’d needed help not just coping with the tragedy, but with the fact that he’d been the one to find her. It seemed his family had been too busy taking care of their own feelings. Thinking of a young, dark-haired boy with a lost, grieving look made me want to reach out and cradle his precious face to my breasts. Waves of pain and guilt weighed on him. What a lonely place to live in.

Let’s go see her.

No
,
no.
I
can’t.
He shook his head adamantly, his eyes taking on a look of panic.
I
couldn’t face her like that again.

Ryder
,
this is a dream.
Picture her the way you remember her
,
in her best moments.
I
saw a picture of her.
She was lovely.
What would she have said to you?
You have the power to make this what you want.

I
don’t know.
He looked haunted, uncertain.

She’s over there
,
right?
I’ll just go that way
,
and I hope I get to meet her as you remember her.

He took a breath.
Okay.

Before he could change his mind, I grabbed his hand and led the way through the thicket of trees to a little clearing by a still pond. Sitting on a colorful blanket cross-legged was the beautiful dark-haired girl I’d seen in the picture. Dressed in a short-sleeved eyelet button-up blouse with a shin-length, billowy, paisley-print skirt, she was delicately sewing doll-size clothing. She looked up at us with a great big smile and jumped to her feet in a lively, energetic fashion.

Ryder!
There you are.
I’ve been waiting for you.

As though he hadn’t actually believed she would be there, he froze. His pain-filled eyes just soaked her in, heavy with warring emotions. He was so overcome, he could only stand and stare at her with a mix of joy and pain clouding his face. His breathing grew more labored, making his chest rise and fall sharply.

My throat closed up as I saw him trying to make sense of what he was seeing. I attempted to swallow past the lump in my throat, hoping that this had been the right decision. Maybe he wasn’t ready for this yet? Maybe he didn’t want this? Maybe it was none of my business? Who was I to force this? My doubts sneered their ugly thoughts at me as the seconds dragged by.

Thankfully, Asily broke the ice.

You’re so silly.
Come here already!
Matter-of-factly, she stomped over to him and slipped her arms around his waist for a good squeeze.
You’re so big.
Just like Daddy.
You’re just like him
,
you know.

Asily
,
is this really you?
His arms came around her gently, as though she were something fragile that would break into a thousand pieces.

Who else would I be?
She pulled away enough to look up at him with a soft smile. He reached out a hand to touch her cheek; it was shaking. He was testing his own sense of perception. She grasped his hand reassuringly, held it to her cheek, and his breath rushed out.

In an anguished whisper, with his green eyes filling, he said,
I’m so sorry.
I
can’t even tell you how sorry I am.
I
should have listened to you.

Ryder
—

Knowing that I caused this—what you suffered
—His voice shook.

You didn’t cause this
—

I
let you down
—

No
,
you didn’t
—

Fiercely, he said,
I
couldn’t find you.
I
tried hard.
I
tried so damn hard.
Then it was too late.
Please believe me.
Please...forgive me.

Ryder
,
there’s nothing to forgive.
Asily rubbed a hand over his cheek. It looked moist.
There was nothing you could have done to prevent this.

If I’d listened
—

I
was planning to sneak out anyway.
You weren’t the only one who did that.
I
was going crazy being inside.

But
—

I’m okay
,
Rye.
I’ve always been okay.

But how can that be?
I
...
saw you.

Her face turned somber.
I
wish I could have spared you that
,
but you can see that the flesh only houses the spirit
,
and my spirit is happy.
Truly.
We’re all part of the play
,
Ryder.
There is no judgment.
We all have the responsibility
,
duty
,
privilege of playing our roles.
This was my part.
It wasn’t time for me yet
,
but don’t worry.
It will be soon.
I
have plans
,
Rye.

Asily.
He pulled her tightly to his chest again.
I
just can’t believe it’s you.

Now you’re just being flat-out rude
. She gave him a final squeeze and pushed away from him with a brilliant smile on her face.
You’re forgetting all about Taylor.

Startled, I sniffed and stuttered,
H
-
hello.
I’m glad to meet you.

Aren’t you silly?
I
already know you
,
Tay.
I
guess it isn’t time for you to remember all that
,
but you will.
You promised to finish painting my portrait.
You know my parents would just love that.

Of course.
Sure.
I nodded, bemused.

Excellent.
Until next time
—

You’re leaving?
Will I see you again?
Ryder’s voice grew hoarse.

Of course.
She included me in her gentle smile.
Taylor will bring you back here.
I’ve always loved this place.
You guys should take a nice walk.
Did you know there are apple trees off toward the meadow?
She pointed to her left, and we looked automatically. When we turned back, she was gone. Only the beautiful vista was displaying its vivid colors for us.

Asily
, Ryder said in quiet protest, looking around quickly to see if he might spy her elsewhere. The longer he stared out at the landscape, the more his eyes lost the look of desperation. I felt his acceptance that she was gone when he took a deep breath. He closed his eyes for a moment and tilted his head back. The breeze caressed his face, ruffling his hair, drying his cheeks.

Are you...okay?
I asked tentatively. I walked toward him, unsure whether or not he was going to be mad that I had so blatantly interfered. Was he going to tell me it was none of my business? Was he going to scorn me or hold me in contempt for sticking my nose in?

His eyes snapped open. They were still red with emotion, and he stared down at me intently.
I
was held responsible for this.
I’ve held myself responsible.
His jaw clenched as he gazed off into the distance again. It was like he was going back in time, looking at hurtful memories gone by.
My father never blamed me directly
,
but he always let me know that I was a disappointment for having such a lack of discipline.
He’s rarely let an opportunity pass.

He made you the target for his grief.
I reached a hand out to run down his arm until our fingers intertwined. He gave my hand a squeeze.

He was...wrong.
Ryder frowned, as though testing the thought for the first time
.

Yeah.
He was.
It was easier than dealing with his loss.

Yeah
,
well
,
he sent Shandria to live in seclusion for her protection as his sole remaining daughter
,
and he ignored me unless it was to criticize.
I’ve felt the sting ever since.

None of this was your fault.
You didn’t do anything
—

Logically
,
I
know.
He nodded.
It’s not so easy to let go of a lifetime of guilt.

Asily would never want you to feel guilt.
It would hurt her.