Quite an Undertaking - Devon's Story (8 page)

I couldn’t for the life of me figure out how to find out if Rebecca was gay like me. How in the world did you find out something like that? It’s not like I could come right out and ask her. Could I? What if I did find out she was gay? How could I tell her I liked her? How could I tell her that I loved French now because I got to see her every day? How could I tell her that what I felt for her was six-thousand times more intense than what I’d felt for Marcy Berger? I had no idea.

A WEEK AFTER that stupid trip to the mall with Rebecca and Jessie, I waited in the backseat of Travis’s car as he and Gail went into the P & C food store to get beer. Travis had his older brother’s ID and since they looked alike, most people didn’t look at him twice. We were going to go to Bruster Park to hang out with the regular Friday night crowd because that’s where everybody went on Friday. In fact, I was going back there on Saturday night with Rebecca. Well, I was going there to hang out with Rebecca, Jessie, and Natalie. I never should have made that ridiculous vow about not hanging out with Jessie because I broke it immediately.

Last Sunday when I talked to Missy on the phone, I asked her how you told somebody you liked them.

She asked, “You mean like like?”

I felt myself blush and was glad she couldn’t see me over the phone. “Yeah.”

“Okay,” she said, “do you have any classes with them?”

“French.”

Them. Again, Missy didn’t say “him.” I knew she was leaving it up to me to come out to her, but I didn’t know how. The only person I had ever come out to was myself, and even though I wanted desperately to tell my secret to at least one other person in the world, I didn’t know if I could handle the rejection or hostility that could happen when you come out. I’d read horror stories on the Internet about people getting beaten up or thrown out of their houses. At sixteen, I didn’t want to get thrown out of my house. Where would I go?

“Okay,” Missy said, “do you sit near them? If not, you should try to move closer. If you can do it without making it obvious that is.”

“Yeah, sh—” I stopped myself just in time. I almost said, “she.” Talking in code like this was tricky. “Actually,” I tried again, “they moved their seat next to me last week.”

“No kidding, Squirt. I think you’re already in. I think they already like you if they moved seats.”

Missy had my attention. “You think so? But what do I do now?”

“Well, have you invited them to hang out with you and Gail? You know, do something in a group of friends? That way it won’t seem like a date.”

A date? The word scared me to death. “Um, I went out with some of her friends to the mall last weekend.” Oh shit, shit, shit. I just said, “her.” I held my breath hoping Missy hadn’t heard it.

Maybe she hadn’t heard my slip because she said, “Squirt, that’s awesome. Keep doing stuff like that, and if it’s meant to happen then it’ll happen.”

“Yeah, okay.”

“But don’t push it. You could always...”

“What? Always what?”

“You could always wait for them to make the first move, you know.”

Oh, God. Maybe Rebecca had already made the first move when she changed her seat. Maybe she made the second move by asking me to go to the mall. I rubbed my forehead when I realized she had probably already made the third move by asking me to go to Bruster with her. How many more hints did I need?

I guess I hadn’t said anything while these thoughts sloshed through my brain because Missy said, “Hey, Squirt, you still there?”

“Yeah, sorry. I’m just...I don’t know. I’m new at this.”

Missy laughed. “It’s scary, liking somebody when you don’t know if they feel the same way.”

Missy then started to tell me about a new guy she was seeing, but she used definite pronouns this time. “His name is Brandon. He’s a chemistry major. He’s a junior, too.”

Travis and Gail came back to the car knocking me out of my thoughts. Travis lifted the grocery bag. “We scored,” he said triumphantly. He put the brown grocery bag filled with what looked like two six packs of beer on the seat next to me.

“Cool,” I said. I hated beer, but everybody went to Bruster to drink beer, so that’s what we were going to do, too.

From the passenger seat, Gail said, “The cashier hardly looked at Travis. She just glanced at the ID.” She gazed at Travis with such admiration that once again I felt like a voyeur, a spy, a fifth wheel. When Travis got in, closed the driver’s side door, and looked back at Gail the same way, I decided that, yeah, I was intruding. Gail only asked me to tag along because she felt guilty about spending so much time with Travis and not with me.

“Hey, guys,” I called from the backseat. “You know what? I don’t feel so hot all of a sudden. Maybe I should go home.”

“Oh, Devon.” Gail turned full around to look at me. “Are you sure? Do you want us to go back in and get you something? Aspirin?”

“No, I’ll be okay. I need to go home, I think.” I didn’t like lying to her, but I would have been uncomfortable hanging out in the backseat knowing they wanted to be alone together.

“Okay,” Gail said. “If you’re sure. We’ll try again another time.”

Travis drove the couple of miles back to my house and dropped me off. Before he backed out of the driveway, watched Gail lean over and give him a long kiss. Yup, I’d definitely read the signs right. Was I reading Rebecca’s signs right?

I BRUSHED MY hair in front of the bathroom mirror debating whether to wear it up or down. Down, I decided. Rebecca wouldn’t see much of me in Jessie’s dark car anyway, so why bother.

I looked at myself for an extra second in the mirror. Grandma always said I was pretty. I wasn’t so sure, but at least I had a good nose—kind of straight, not too big and not too small. Okay, so maybe I had one good feature, but you couldn’t just walk around telling people to look only at your nose, that would be weird. I wondered if Rebecca liked my nose.

Gail called earlier in the day and told me she was sorry I had to go home the night before. I think she missed the closeness we used to have. I did. I missed hanging out with her like we used to, but I guess things were changing for both of us. When she asked me what I was doing that evening, I lied. I don’t know why I lied, but I told her I was going to stay home and work on newspaper stuff. For some reason I didn’t want to tell her I was going to hang out at Bruster with Rebecca.

I didn’t know how to tell Gail I was gay. I’d have to tell her eventually, and maybe after she got over the shock, she could give me advice about Rebecca. I’d probably tell Missy first, though, and see how that went. I wasn’t sure now if Rebecca’s signs were signs at all, and I didn’t want to scare her away.

I put the hairbrush down and stood back. So far so good, but I only had a half hour before they came to pick me up, and I still had to figure out what to wear. I wish we didn’t have to hang out in a car in November, but we had nowhere else to go. We’d already done the mall thing, so Bruster was next.

I went into my room and pulled out a pair of black jeans, my black cowboy boots that pinched my toes a little, and a green turtleneck sweater. Actually, the sweater was Missy’s but she hadn’t taken it to Plattsburgh, so I figured she wouldn’t mind if I borrowed it this once.

I scurried out of my robe and dressed in record time. Dad was on a thermostat kick again, so the house was arctic. I couldn’t risk frostbite before my date with Rebecca, or I’d never know if she liked me. I scolded myself. This wasn’t a date. This was just hanging out with some new friends from school.

I checked myself one last time in the mirror and put my wallet in my back pocket. I didn’t think I’d need money, but I had ten bucks—next week’s lunch money. I was headed out my bedroom door when I noticed my robe on the floor. I turned on my heels, picked up the robe, and hung it in the closet, which was weird because I usually left my clothes on the floor and then Missy or Mom would yell at me. For some reason I felt like picking it up. I guess I was thinking that Rebecca probably would have picked up her robe, so I should, too.

I made one quick stop in Grandma’s room and picked up my favorite snow globe. I shook it hard, and watched the snow settle over the Empire State Building. “Wish me luck tonight, Grandma. I want Rebecca to give me a sign.” I put the snow globe back on the shelf in exactly the same spot I’d taken it from.

I practically skipped out of Grandma’s room, down the hall, and down the steps to the window by the front door. I breathed a sigh of relief. They weren’t here yet.

I jumped when my mom spoke.

“Are your new friends here?”

“You scared me, Mom.” I sat on the couch next to her armchair. “No, they’re not here. Rebecca said they’d be here at seven.”

“Now, who are these girls again?” She took her reading glasses off and put down her book.

“They’re the same girls I went to the mall with last weekend. Rebecca is Mr. Washington’s daughter. You know— the funeral director?” I whispered the last out of respect. I didn’t want to remind my mom about our recent sadness. “A couple of Rebecca’s friends are going, too.”

“Okay, but don’t stay out too late. With your dad working overtime, I don’t want to have to worry about both of you.”

“I won’t be late. Don’t worry, Mom.”

A car horn blared from the driveway, and my heart thumped into my throat.

“Oh, that’s them,” I squeaked and hoped my Mom didn’t pick up on my nerves.

I grabbed my hooded sweatshirt out of the closet, threw it on, and then put my jean jacket on over that. I yanked open the front door and was about to bolt outside when my mom said, “Do you have your keys?”

I smacked the front pocket of my jeans. “Yup.”

“Cell phone?”

I reached into the inner pocket of my jean jacket and felt the familiar rectangular shape. “Yup.”

“Do you need money?”

“Nope. Thanks.” I smiled. “I’ll see you later, Mom”

I bolted out the front door before she could ask me any more questions and slammed the door harder than I meant to. I heard her call, “Have a good time.”

Oh, I would. I would if Rebecca gave me another sign. One that I knew was real. Jessie’s dark blue Ford Focus idled in the driveway. I melted when I saw Rebecca’s bright smile in the front passenger seat. She had her hair pulled back into a ponytail, but flipped up with a barrette to keep it off her neck.

I opened the back door behind Rebecca, and as I got in, Natalie slid over behind Jessie. I shut the door quickly to keep out the cold.

Rebecca turned all the way around to face me. “Hey, Devon.”

“Hey.” I smiled back at her, but then I let my smile include Jessie and Natalie, too. “Thanks for picking me up.”

“It’s cool.” Jessie put the car in reverse. She backed the car out of the driveway and then headed down my street in the direction of Bruster Park.

I wasn’t sure what was going to happen that night, but I found out soon enough it involved some kind of light beer from Milwaukee because Jessie handed me a bottle from the front seat, and Natalie handed me an opener.

“Oh, okay.” I took both the beer and the opener. I wasn’t a beer drinker, but I was hanging out with Rebecca and her friends and whatever they did, I’d do.

Jessie looked at me for a second. “Just keep it down, so the cops won’t see.”

“Oh, yeah. Okay.” I popped the top and took a sip. Nope, I still didn’t like the taste. I’d probably nurse this one all night if I could get away with it.

The car got quiet at that point, and I sensed that maybe they weren’t sure what to talk to me about. I cleared my throat. “So, you guys had a game today, right?”

“Scrimmage,” Jessie said as if I should know the difference between a game and a scrimmage. Which, honestly, I should have known since I was a sports editor.

“What’s the difference?”

Natalie said, “A scrimmage doesn’t really count. Coach tries out all kinds of lineups to see which ones work best. But,” she clapped Jessie on the shoulder, “we won!”

Jessie punched the air with her beer. “That’s right! Get used to it.”

“We’re unstoppable,” Natalie added.

I decided to stay on the basketball topic. “Your first real game is Friday?”

“Yeah.” Jessie took a swig of beer. “The day after Thanksgiving.”

“I’ll have to check it out.” I probably said it with too much enthusiasm, but I was trying to make peace with Jessie.

Rebecca turned to face me. “We’re hosting the Grasse River Turkey Tournament, and we’re supposed to win the whole thing.”

“S’right.” Jessie saluted Rebecca with her beer. So much for keeping the beer out of sight from the cops.

“A tournament?” I asked. “How many teams?”

Natalie said, “Just four. Us included. It’s a preseason double-elimination tourney, and we play teams we won’t ever see again. These games’ll count in our overall record, but not in the St. Lawrence League. We should be,” she clapped Jessie on the shoulder again, “at least three and oh on Saturday.”

“Damn straight.” Another beer salute from Jessie. That rule about keeping the beer out of sight must have been for everybody else.

I felt stupid because I didn’t know a lot about sports, so right there in the backseat of Jessie’s car, I decided that I needed to become a major fan of every girls’ sports team at school and go to as many games as I could. I didn’t want Mrs. Gibson to think she’d made a mistake promoting me to girls’ sports editor. Friday night’s basketball game seemed like a good place to start. Oh yeah, Rebecca would be there, too.

The tires crunched the gravel as Jessie pulled into Bruster Park. She found an empty parking spot near the softball backstop. One time last summer when Mom, Dad, and I drove past Bruster, I saw a whole bunch of women in softball t-shirts hanging out in the parking lot. At the time, I thought those women could be like me. Some had short hair, and I remember wanting desperately to go back. I wasn’t into softball at all and couldn’t figure out how to get back to the field without raising suspicion. I didn’t have a driver’s license, so I couldn’t just borrow the car. I couldn’t ask my mom to drop me off because what was I going to say? “Mom, I want to go to Bruster Park, so I can check out some gay girls.” Yeah, right. I guess I could have asked Missy to drop me off, but I wasn’t ready to come out to her then, either. I could have jogged there, but Bruster was about five miles away from home and a ten-mile run wasn’t that appealing. The biggest thing stopping me, though, was that I didn’t know what I would do once I got there. I mean, there was no way I’d ever get up enough nerve to talk to anybody.