Rain (7 page)

“Going to sleep?”

“Yeah, you are kind of boring,” he responded.

I rolled my eyes, lay down next to him, and gazed up at the stars that lit up the darkness, some sparkling brighter than others. It seemed so close and so far away at the same time.

We looked at the sky and talked about random things. I learned that his dad was a lawyer, his favorite color was black—shocker—and he wants to get a motorcycle. He’d had one in LA but sold it before he’d moved. I could easily picture him on a motorcycle. He just had that look, especially with the leather jacket he was wearing.

At some point, he pulled out an iPhone and earphones from his pocket, sharing one of the earbuds with me, and we listened to music. He introduced me to Breaking Benjamin, Cross Fade, Puddle of Mudd, and so many more that I lost track. I recognized a few of the bands, like Hinder and Plain White T’s. Sometimes Kyle would sing or hum along, which made me smile.

Being with Kyle was easy. Somehow, hours passed with music and light conversation. Before I knew it, the darkness was retreating, taking the stars also. The sun was rising. I had never taken the time to watch it before since it tended to rise before I was ready to wake up and drag myself out of bed.

My face lit up as the hues colored the horizon, and before my eyes, the sun materialized.

“Wow. It is so beautiful!” I exclaimed as it proceeded to take my breath away.

Turning to look at Kyle with a genuine smile on my face, I found him watching me intently. His eyes held something I hadn’t seen in them before, and I wasn’t quite sure what it was. My breath hitched as he smiled back at me and blinked, clearing the look he had held in his eyes. It turned into something less mysterious. Part of me wanted to know what that look had been and part of me was terrified. Maybe I already knew.

“It is,” he confirmed, breaking the quiet moment. “You’ve never seen the sunrise before?” He continued watching me.

“No. Never awake early enough. What time is it?”

He broke eye contact to look at his phone and I was able to find my breath more easily.
What is wrong with me?

“Six-oh-eight” he told me, looking at me again.

“Crap! I need to get back inside. My parents are probably already awake.” I began panicking.

“Okay,” he said slowly, almost sounding sad.

“Thank you,” I told him, not knowing what else to say.

“Sure,” he said dismissively.

“I can’t believe I kept you up all night. You must be exhausted!” I exclaimed as it finally dawned on me that he had stayed up all night with me when he had probably been about to go to bed—if he hadn’t been in bed already.

His sly smile appeared. “I have all day to sleep,” he assured me with a wink. Everything he said was easy and relaxed, like he didn’t have a care in the world, but when I looked into his eyes, there was complex emotion and clear thought running through them. They weren’t just emptily staring at me.

“I guess… I’ll see you later,” I said awkwardly as I looked down and moved to turn toward my house.

“Taylor, wait.” his voice called, and for some reason, it made my pulse quicken. A smile snuck back across my face. “Let me grab those CDs for you quickly.” He gracefully jogged to his door and went inside.

Disappointment panged me before I thought about it.
What am I thinking?
What else was I expecting? Maybe I should just go…

Just then, Kyle burst back out the door and I attempted to act calm, like I wasn’t losing my mind and about to make a run for it. Unfortunately, my cheeks had other plans. I felt them growing warm, advertising a nice shade of pink.
Great.

“Here,” he said breezily, handing me three CDs.

“Thanks.” I smiled, hoping my face wasn’t as pink as it felt. “I better go. Maybe I can get these on my iPod before we leave.”

He nodded and then held my eyes with a steady expression. “Kick its ass, Taylor,” he told me.

Blinking away tears that instantly wanted to emerge at his words, I hesitantly closed the space between us and hugged him. “I will,” I whispered before separating myself from him again. “Bye, stranger.” I turned and left him where he stood.

He didn’t move. I departed with him watching me until I quietly opened my door and slipped inside.

My parents were upstairs when I came inside, and I was able to sneak back into my room. They must have been letting me
sleep in
as long as possible. Otherwise, they would have been freaking out if they had found that I had not been in my room—or in the house.

Once I was in my room, fatigue finally hit me. Convenient. Instead of crawling under the covers like I was tempted to do, I went to my desk and powered on my laptop.  I opened iTunes to add the CDs to my music collection. I inserted the first self-titled Three Days Grace CD and waited for all of the songs to rip.

While I waited, I thought about my night—well, technically my morning. It hadn’t been like any other experience I’d had before. It hadn’t been planned and it had been one of the best
nights
I had ever had. Maybe the best experiences couldn’t be planned they just have to happen.

Kyle made me feel relaxed, and I had easily been distracted from my problem. Since my diagnosis, he had been the only person able to make me feel like that. I’d only known him for a few days, but I knew I was going to miss him. For some reason, I was drawn to him. Maybe it was because I didn’t know very much about him. Mysteries tended to hold interest.

The computer dinged, indicating that the CD was done ripping. I ejected it and inserted the next CD, titled
One X
.

My door opened and my mom peeked her head in. Seeing that I was awake, she opened it the rest of the way.

“You’re awake,” she said, surprised.

“Yeah,” I replied, looking at her.

Her forehead crinkled. “Did you sleep? You look tired.”

“Not really,” I shrugged.

She nodded in understanding. She looked like she hadn’t slept either.

“We should leave in fifteen to twenty minutes,” she informed me.

“Okay. I’ll be ready,” I ensured her as the computer dinged again. I inserted the last CD,
Life Starts Now,
as she watched me curiously. I answered her silent question. “I’m adding music. Kyle burned me a few CDs.”

Luckily she didn’t ask when I’d gotten these CDs. She nodded again as sadness filled her eyes, and she left my room. I exhaled a breath I hadn’t realized I had been holding, probably for the strained, sad conversation and waiting to be busted for being out all
night
.

Once the last CD finished ripping, I plugged in my iPod and put the new music on it, fully intending to get lost in it on the way to the hospital.
I had already packed a bag. Adding my iPod and iPhone charger to it, I was ready to go.

I took my room in one last time, knowing that it could be the last time I saw it. Posters and quotes graced the pink walls. My comforter was pulled down and astray. I didn’t bother making my bed, since I hated making it any other time. At least this way it looked like someone had been here. The room was filled with pictures holding memories, awards, stuffed animals, and various other things. I hoped I would see it all again.

I took my bag and closed my bedroom door behind me. I had the urge to run back inside and hide under the covers, but I knew I couldn’t hide from this. It was in my body, not a monster in the closet. No matter where I was or how long I kept my eyes shut, it would still be there, killing me until I got treatment to kill it first.

CHAPTER FIVE

We arrived at the hospital a few minutes before eight. My parents checked me in, and I sat down in the waiting room, nervously playing with a pink strand of hair. Sometimes I forgot that I had pink in my hair until I saw it, and each time it made me smile and think of Kyle.

It wasn’t long before Dr. Arenstam came out to get me with another woman by her side. She was a slender woman with shoulder-length blond hair and a kind face. Dr. Arenstam smiled warmly at me and introduced her as Nurse Michele. I shook her hand anxiously and did my best to give them both a smile, even though I was too nervous and terrified to form a very good one. They led me into the children’s cancer wing and into a small single-person room. I wasn’t expecting this; I thought I would have to room with someone else. It was a relief to be by myself.

I set my bag down by the bed before I retrieved a pair of sweatpants and a loose t-shirt.  I didn’t have to wear a hospital gown all of the time since I would be a permanent resident for a while. I would only have to wear one when I had physical exams and such. I slipped into the bathroom and changed, wanting to be comfortable while preparing to face the start of what would be my new life.

I dressed and looked at myself in the mirror. I had shadows under my eyes from the lack of sleep. I looked grim and couldn’t bring myself to smile. My cheeks looked flushed, and the few freckles that spanned my cheeks stood out more than normal, especially since I didn't have my usual makeup on to cover them up. My blue eyes shone with the tears that wanted to spill. If only Kyle were here to make me laugh now.

I felt like I was taking myself in for the last time. This might be the last time I want to look in a mirror, knowing that once the side effects of the treatment took hold I would no longer look the same; I would be a mess. More water pooled in my eyes, and I watched as a tear seeped out and ran down my face as I pictured myself losing my hair along with how sick I would probably look.

I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to rid myself of the image along with holding back the remaining water that wanted to break free as much as I wanted to break free of this room, this hospital. I already felt trapped from not knowing when I would get to leave again.

Opening my eyes before I started to hyperventilate, I wiped my face and left the bathroom to face my fears, knowing I was just going to drive myself crazy and possibly jump out the window if I kept letting my mind run wild. The doctor and nurse were standing near the door waiting for me patiently, and my parents we sitting on the small couch in front of the two windows with their hands clasped together. I hadn’t even noticed the couch before, only that it was a private room. Guess I needed to pay more attention to my surroundings.

“Let’s get this over with. Bring on the poison,” I said dryly as I sat on the bed.  Mom winced at my words, but I held on to the façade I’d instantly planted on my face when I’d walked out of the bathroom.  Dr. Arenstam remained unfazed by my comment.

“Okay. The chemotherapy will be administered through an IV. Since you are staying in the hospital, you can receive it in your room,” she told me as I cringed at the word IV. Not being a big fan of needles, but I guessed I would have to get used to it.

“Nurse Michele is going to insert an angiocatheter to minimize how many times we have to insert a needle into your veins. It will make it easier on you and also help to keep your veins viable,” she explained.,

Swallowing hard, I tried not to panic over this new information. “Viable?” I asked, my voice coming out shaky, losing the steady tone I had earlier.

“In this case, it means usable. Sometimes veins become unusable or collapse, especially if they are being pierced by a needle a lot. Even the angiocatheter will have to be changed after a while.”

I nodded in understanding, not trusting my voice. My mind wandered again and thought about what would happen if all of my veins became unusable. An image came to mind of me dying because they couldn’t help me without a functional vein.

“Are you okay?” Dr. Arenstam’s voice pulled me from my thoughts.

“Huh?”

“You look pale,” she told me. “It’s really not that bad. Once it is in, it shouldn’t bother you. If for some reason it does bother you, tell us and we will see if something is wrong with it. Infections can occur, so it is always good to tell someone if something doesn’t seem right so we can treat a possible infection. Your body will be working hard to fight the cancer, so it will be more difficult to fight off any infections or sicknesses, but we are here to help you and make sure to keep those things from affecting your recovery.” She gave me a warm smile. She was trying to make me feel better, but she was freaking me out, making me think about things that could go wrong that I hadn’t even thought of yet.

Before my mind started going to bad places again, I responded. “Okay I’m ready,” I told her, swallowing hard. It was a lie. I’d never be ready.

The nurse left, and Dr. Arenstam told me to get comfortable. Sliding off the bed and going to my bag, I retrieved my iPod and earphones before climbing back onto the bed—this time under the covers. 

Mom and Dad moved from the couch, each coming to one of my sides—Dad to my left, Mom to my right. They both had watery eyes, making my heart feel like one of those damn needles was piercing it. I hated to see my parents like this. They were never like this.

They leaned down and hugged me tight; at least they weren’t hugging me like a china doll. This hug was just as sad, filled with fear, sadness, and worry, like it could be the last hug they’d ever give me. Who were they kidding? They would most likely be living at the hospital with me. This was far from the last hug, even if things took a turn for the downright ugly and horrible. Oddly, this brought me comfort. I hugged them back even tighter as I promised myself that I wouldn’t take another hug for granted.

“We love you, sweetie,” my dad’s voice rasped.

“We will be right here,” Mom promised.

I released my grip on them and looked at them, taking them in. “I know,” I said, smiling at them warmly—the first real smile I had given them since my diagnosis. I did know that they loved me, and as long as I had them here, I wouldn’t be alone in this.

Nurse Michele came back in with an IV bag and other medical tools. My parents glanced at her and then hugged me again before stepping away. She put the bag on the IV stand and the rest of the stuff down on a little table. She took my blood pressure, and once she was done, she wrapped a rubber strip around my left upper arm and tied it. She then cleaned an area on my arm and the strong scent of alcohol prickled my nose.