Rainfall (26 page)

Chapter 36

I swing my legs out of bed and shuffle into the bathroom.  My mother is right, I look terrible.  Dark circles ring my eyes from lack of sleep and my hair is sticking up at all angles.  I pull on a pair of jeans and my yellow sweater which reminds me painfully of Adam, and I try, half-heartedly, to pull a comb through my tangled locks before I give up and scrape it back into a messy bun.  I walk down the stairs without any real anticipation of who my visitor could be.  No doubt it is Carl come to check if I am okay or maybe Jax. I wouldn’t put it past my mom to invite her around to try and cheer me up.

To my surprise when I enter the sitting-room it’s neither
Jax nor Carl who stands to greet me.

“Hi, Paige,”
Lizzy’s shy smile is the last thing I expected and I stand, temporarily speechless, before I scan the room, half-desperate, half-terrified of what I might find.

“He’s not here,”
Lizzy assures me hastily, “he didn’t even want me to come, but I wanted to see you.”

“Why?”  I slump down on the sofa clutching one of the gold scatter cushions to my chest and pulling idly at the tassels.

“To see if you're okay.”

I laugh at that; a forced, angry sound.

“I’m fine.”

“You really don't look fine,” she prompts timidly and I stop fiddling with the cushion to glare at her.

“How do you think I am, Lizzy?”  She draws in a deep breath.
“I think you’re heartbroken.  I think you’re wondering what reason you have to wake up in the morning.  I think you hate me and you hate Simon.”

“Why are you here?”  I ask again, wanting nothing more than to go back to bed.

“Because I know how you feel,” she says simply, and I open my mouth to yell at her, to tell her that she has no idea how I feel, no idea what it’s like to lose the thing you love most in the world and then I remember that she does.

“You didn’t really lose him,” I point out.

“I thought I had,” she counters immediately and we lapse into silence once more.

“How did you deal with it?”  I ask eventually, my curiosity getting the better of me.

“A lot like this,” she gestures at me with one arm, “for a while.  Then I realised that this would be the last thing he would want me to do.”

“Simon would probably want you to clean out the pantry,” I snap childishly but she ignores me, fixing me with her huge luminous blue eyes.

“What would Adam want you to do, Paige?”

“It doesn’t matter; he’s not here.” I wipe furiously at the tears that are welling in my eyes.

“Why do you love him?”  I ask viciously.  I have never been able to fathom what this wonderful girl sees in Simon. She smiles, seeming to know exactly what I am thinking.

“He’s warm, and kind, and he treats me like gold.  I know what you must think, Paige.  I’m sure you didn’t see him at his best. But imagine how you would have acted, if you were in his situation?  If your life had been commandeered by someone else, and every time you came around, you were with people you didn’t know, doing things you didn’t want to do?  Simon was like a puppet on a string.”

I am about to snap at her, to protect Adam and the accusation that he was the cause of Simon’s awful attitude, but the words die on my lips.  I have never thought about it like this before. Jacob and Kyle didn’t have a life of their own to get back to, that’s why they never really resisted, or disliked me. Simon knew better. He hated me for being a farce, an unwilling accomplice to Adam’s existence. He had a life to get back to, he had Lizzy. And he never waivered in his search for her.

Sensing the subtle shift in my mood,
Lizzy changes the subject abruptly.

“Carl says that they may appear in time; the others. He says that as long as Simon stays in counselling it's unlikely but not impossible.”

I don’t react. I don’t want to think about it; it's Lizzy’s problem.

“What should I do if they come back?” she asks and I shrug.

“Ask Carl.”

“I’m asking you.”

“This isn’t going to work Lizzy. I know what you’re trying to do. I’m not going to play this game with you. Just leave, please.”

“I will if you answer the question,” she stands her ground and I sigh.

“Don’t get too close to Jacob; keep your distance. He doesn’t like to be touched. He’s like a little boy; he’s in a lot of pain and needs special handling. Ask him about Fergus. He’s Jacob’s dog,” I explain, in answer to her puzzled look.

“Just keep him calm, make him tea. He won’t stay long.” I can hear the compassion in my own words and I hate
Lizzy for what she is doing.

“And Kyle?” she asks.

“Shag him,” I chuckle, and her own peal of laughter resonates around the room.

“Get him a beer, turn on ESPN, flirt with him,” I smile at her look of alarm.

“Above all; keep him entertained. Show him your boobs if you have to he’ll love that. Don’t tell Simon,” I grin and she shakes her head, her blonde hair bouncing around her shoulders.

“Kyle is fun; he’s not a bad person, he’s just a chauvinist.”

“You cared about them all.” It’s not a question but I correct her anyway.

“No,
Lizzy; not all of them.” I never cared for Simon, she knows that.

“Thanks,” she puts her hands on her knees and I can see she is just as nervous as I am for what is coming. I have to hand it to her, though, she's determined.

“What about Adam?” she asks, her voice breaking only slightly at the end.  I stand abruptly, my lighter mood gone in an instant.

“You need to leave.”

She gets to her feet her voice imploring.

“Please Paige, what do I do?”

“I can’t!” I hiss, my self-control slipping.

“You can,” she takes a tentative step towards me and I shrink back against the sofa.

“It’s Adam we’re talking about. Adam. You have to tell me what to do if he ever comes back.  I want to help him,” she is so sincere and I shake my head.

“Like I helped Simon? I hated Simon! You don’t owe Adam anything,
Lizzy, you don’t owe me anything!”

“I want to help him,” she insists, her whole body trembling. I sit back on the sofa closing my eyes. She needs an answer; she will not leave without one. But what can I say? There is nothing we can do for Adam; he is gone. And if he comes back one day, he'll just have to die all over again. I may not even be here if that happens. The tears that have been threatening to surface win and spill through my closed eyes, running down my cheeks and dripping off my chin onto my sweater. 

I know the answer that Lizzy is looking for. Of course I do, I’m not a fool. She wants to know that I'm going to be okay, that I’m not going to do anything stupid. This kind, sweet, wonderful girl truly does care, for Jacob, for Kyle, for me, even for Adam, who threatened her own happiness. Simon is a lucky man, to have her in his life. I can see why he loves her. 

Lizzy
stands quietly, not saying a word, as all these things are going around in my head. Eventually, resignedly, I open my eyes and get to my feet. Tilting my chin almost defiantly, I stare her straight in the eyes and answer her question.

“You bring him to me.”

Her sweet smile is the only answer she gives me. Picking up her purse she crosses the room and gives me a timid hug.

“I hope you’ll be happy Paige,” she whispers, and then she is gone.

I race up the stairs, hurt, pain and anger coursing through me. I have not felt this much emotion since the moment Adam integrated and it threatens to consume me, overwhelm me.  I lock the bathroom door behind me, my breathing coming in harsh, laboured sobs.  I claw at my face, my clothes, dropping to my knees and pounding the cold, tiled floor with my fists.  Adam, Adam, Adam! Will I ever be able to get past this?

The answer in my head is a resounding no!  I clutch the edge of the marble counter and haul myself to my feet, my eyes scanning the countertops for something, anything to numb the pain. I yank open the vanity; pulling out make-up and hairbrush
es and a medley of face creams. Half a dozen packs of medication fall to the floor along with perfumes and shower caps, body lotions and aspirin. In a blind fury I open my cosmetics bag and shake it, showering the floor with its contents, then I throw the bag at the mirror and drive my fist into it, shattering my reflection.

I sink back to the floor surrounded by an assortment of meaningless things. 
Meaningless. My life is meaningless. I curl my knees up to my chest and rest my head, saturating my jeans with tears. I cannot even comprehend any future. Unending days stretch ahead of me, weeks, months, years. Empty. Lonely. Painful. What’s the point? What was the point of loving him? 

I rest my head back against the cupboard door wondering if it’s possible to die of a broken heart. My eye comes to rest on one particular item amongst the chaos and I reach for it, something sparking in my chest, a sense of release. I smash the razor against the hard floor, cracking the plastic sheath, which I pull off with my fingers, cutting myself more than once. My hands, I notice, are bloodied; the fresh blood on my right hand mingling with the darker crimson of the damage from smashing the mirror.  Scarlet droplets mar the white tiles and show as dark stains on my blue denims. "Bring him to me"; my earlier words echo in my head as, with a trembling hand, I bring the blade to my left wrist, pulling back the yellow sweater to reveal the soft white skin. A blue vein is easily visible, so vulnerable,
so simple. I wince as the blade just pierces the skin and I withdraw my hand for a second, watching the droplet of blood form.  I think briefly of the pills that Carl gave me, but that will take too long, I need this over. "Bring him to me"; I draw in a steadying breath and bring the blade back, determined to finish this for once and for all. 

I close my eyes and in the final moment before I act, I hear
Lizzy’s question in my head as clearly as if she is sitting right beside me.

“What would Adam want you to do, Paige?”

“Adam would want me to live,” I whisper into the cold room and, dropping the blade, I let the tears fall. 

When there are no tears left to cry I stand, unsteadily and, leaving the cluttered chaos behind me, I open the bathroom door and step out into my very uncertain future.

Epilogue

Summer

“We’re almost there,” the soft feminine voice says and I nod, although she cannot see me and then I push the call end button and set my phone down on the kitchen counter.  I take a deep breath and, crossing to the kitchen sink, I turn on the cold water tap and wet the back of my neck, trying to slow my breathing and relax.  I stand that way for a few moments and then the sound of a car pulling up reaches me and I lift my head to see the unassuming blue Toyota Camry pull into the driveway. I feel a jolt in the pit of my stomach and I cross quickly to the front door, yanking it open and practically running down the front steps. 

Lizzy
smiles sadly at me as she opens the passenger door and I catch my breath as the curly dark head emerges and Adam glances around in confusion before his eyes find me. 

“Paige!” There is such relief in his tone and he bounds forward, grabbing me around my waist and swinging me high in the air, just as he used to do. He settles me back on my feet and turns to face
Lizzy, his tone almost accusatory, “Thank you. You can leave now,” he addresses her rudely, before he turns his attention back to me.

I glance over his shoulder and see the resigned pain etched on her face and I know only too well how she feels. I nod sadly at her and then I put my arm around Adam and turn back to the house.

“Come inside, Adam, we need to talk.”

As I close the front door I see
Lizzy getting back into the car wiping frantically at her eyes.  I close the blind in the kitchen so that Adam will not notice that she has not left.

He pulls me toward him and gazes down at me with such love in his eyes that I can barely stand to see it and I lower my gaze. He is still so beautiful. 

“Paige, what's going on?” he asks in confusion. “Where are we?”

I take a deep breath before I look back up and answer him.

“This is my home Adam.”

He glances around as though trying to recall. A look of frustration crosses his face before he rests his gaze on me once more. It’s like he cannot bear to look away from me for more than a few seconds. His arms around me are tanned and strong and my heart swells with the realisation that he must be very happy and well taken care of.

“Paige,” I hear the warning of the hesitancy in his voice and I realise that he has registered.  “You look different.” The alarm is creeping into his voice and he pushes me away slightly, holding me at arm’s length and studying my face intently. “Why do you look different?” He is starting to sound panicked and I place my hands on his shoulders to reassure him.

“Adam,” I begin, drawing up and trying to be strong. “You’re not supposed to be here, remember?” He frowns and looks at me as though I am losing my mind. I meet his gaze levelly and speak slowly and deliberately.

“Adam you integrated, remember? Simon has learned to deal with his traumas and he no longer needs you. You can’t be here. I know it’s been a long time. I know you’re confused, but try and remember. You have to go back,” my voice breaks and I see understanding starting to dawn on his face and his eyes look infinitely sad.

“But I don’t want to leave you
.” He sounds so pitiful and so unsure of himself. 

“I know you don’t, Adam, but you have to.” 

“Paige, please. I want to stay. I need to stay with you.” He is pleading now and a tear spills over, making its way slowly down my cheek. I press my lips together determinedly and force myself to be hard.

“You can’t stay Adam. You have to go back.”

He nods slowly, his own eyes brimming with unshed tears and I turn away from him.

“How long has it been?” he asks, touching my hair.

“Eight years,” I whisper. I could tell him to the day how long it has been since he left me. 

“Eight years,” he repeats disbelievingly, his voice barely more than a whisper. 

“Mommy!” a young voice shrieks and I whirl around as she comes running in through the front door. I glance at the clock above the mantel and my heart sinks. I had lost track of time and forgot that our neighbours were dropping her off on the way back from movies.

“Abby!” I bend down and hug her, her warm young body giving me strength.

She glances up at Adam shyly and I see it the moment it happens. Adam’s blue eyes meet Abby’s and understanding dawns so quickly on his face that he reels back in shock. It is a mirror image. Abby is her father’s double and her eyes are exactly the same shape and colour. Adam is retreating so fast that he bumps into a coffee table and knocks over a vase which shatters on the wooden floor. The sound brings him to his senses and he immediately bends to pick up the pieces, apologising profusely.

Abby steps forward to help and Adam throws out an arm to stop her.

“No!” he yells and she stops dead in her tracks, looking at me with wide eyes. 

“Sorry,” Adam adds flustered. “I just...I don’t want you to cut yourself.” He gestures at her bare feet and Abby smiles, nodding. 

“Abby,” I say, bending down behind her and placing my hands on her shoulders, “this is Adam, a friend of mommy’s. Adam,” I continue the introduction, “this is Abby. My daughter.” I nod over her shoulder at him, answering his unspoken question and he closes his eyes for a minute before he gains control of himself.

“Nice to meet you.”
Abby smiles politely, extending her hand. Adam hesitates for a minute and then takes it, shaking it and smiling warmly at her.

“It’s nice to meet you too, Abby,” he replies. “How old are you?” he asks the obvious question although he knows the truth.

“I’m eight, but I’ll be nine in March,” she answers proudly.

“Eight years,” he murmurs, shaking his head. 

“Why don’t you go outside and set the table for lunch?” I ask Abby, running my hands up and down her arms. Adam and I both stand as she skips out of the room, Adam’s eyes following her departure and then lingering on the spot where she disappears around a corner.

“Eight years,” he
repeats, the heartbreak in his voice undeniable. He turns to face me.

“My daughter?” he asks, looking for confirmation.

“Your daughter.” I nod and his face crumples. He pinches the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger and it is such an Adam thing to do that the tears well up in my eyes again.

“I’m sorry Adam,” I say helplessly, and he presses his lips into a tight line, trying desperately to stop himself from crying. As if trying to distract himself he moves quietly around the room. Reaching the mantel he pauses and too late I realise what he is looking at: The bell; the beautiful, silver bell that Mrs O’Reilly gave us all those years ago.
Our wedding gift.

“Is this the first time I’ve been back?” he asks quietly.

“No,” I answer. “You came back once before, about four years ago. She always brings you to me; it's the only thing that calms you down.”

“
Lizzy?” he asks.

“
Lizzy.” I nod.

“So Simon was right all along,” he sits down on the couch running his fingers through his curls.  It’s harder that he doesn’t remember. I think that so much time passing between causes confusion; he forgets and needs to be retold, to relive the whole awful truth.

“I wish you could have loved him too,” he says suddenly and I know exactly what he means. I had thought the same thing for a very long time. How much easier things would have been if I could have loved Simon the way I had Adam; even cared deeply for him the way I had for Jacob and for Kyle.  But I didn’t.  Simon was the one
alter
I could never get along with.  We were two different people, as different as night and day. 

I know the exact moment that he catches sight of the photograph in its beautiful gilded frame.  He catches his breath and picks it up gingerly with a hand that is trembling, a sadness coming over him that I cannot protect him from. 

“Do you love him, Paige?”  He stares down at the photograph and I swallow back the emotions that have lain dormant for so long, the emotions that only Adam can ignite.

“I do,” I answer honestly, wishing I could give him a different answer, if only to spare him the hurt that my words will inflict.  But I was only ever dishonest with Adam once and it was my undoing.  I will not lie to this beautiful, strong man. 
Never again.  He is silent for a long moment, tracing the image of me in the frame, following the lines of the beautiful white dress.  He places the frame back on the mantel abruptly and turns to face me.

  “I’m sorry,” I say again, feeling as though I have failed him somehow.

“It’s his life,” he says, and I think he is starting to remember.  “It’s Simon’s life.”  There is a finality and acceptance in his voice.

“It is,” I say, sitting down beside him and taking his hand.

He brings my hand immediately to his lips, turning to stare at me sadly.

“Are you happy, Paige?” he asks and I smile.

“I am, Adam. I’m happy.” 

“Well, that’s all that matters,” he answers selflessly. 

I fight the urge to wrap my arms around him. Despite the time that has passed, I will never forget how I felt about Adam. He was my everything. My whole world. No amount of time can diminish my feelings but I cannot hide from the truth. I chose to stand up and fight, to move on, and to live, truly live, the best way I know how.

“You did it,” he whispers, his lips curving into a smile. “You did everything I asked. You got married and you had a baby.”

“I did,” I answer simply and truthfully.

It had taken me a long time to be okay. The loss of Adam was the one thing that I thought I would not recover from. There had been so much tragedy, so much emotion, so much pain, and through it all I had managed to find my way back to myself, to my family, to my life. But Adam’s loss was like nothing I had ever experienced. I almost didn’t make it back. It was Abby who had given me the will to go on. I had not known that I was pregnant with her when Simon had finally successfully integrated. About two weeks later I had become ill and the doctor had confirmed it. I was having a baby; Adam’s baby. I had learned how to live again, determined that I would be the best mother to this little piece of Adam growing inside of me.
This little piece of him that would live on, even though he was gone.  I had taken Carl up on his free counselling after all. I had spent a year in therapy with him, learning to deal with the loss of Adam, so that I could be the best mother that I possibly could be to my impending bundle. 

Life throws us curve balls all the time. Sometimes it gets so hard that we think we will not survive. But mankind is made of sterner stuff than that. Our will to survive will not go unchallenged. We rise up again and again to fight for this precious, amazing and delicate gift we have been given.
For life, for love, and for everything in between.

I stayed talking with Adam for two hours and then I kissed him and said goodbye. 
Again. He kissed me gently at the car and held my face in his hands, tears streaming down his own. Adam would always do the right thing.  He was just made that way. He was the perfect man. The perfect man for me. I learned the hard way that nothing is perfect. Perfection is a facade. A very true reflection is one that lacks self-deception; one that strips away the layers and exposes the truth that is in our very core.

Lizzy
hugged me before they left. Although Simon wanted nothing to do with us, Lizzy had stayed in contact through the years and I always kept her updated as to Abby’s progress. They had never had children of their own. Simon did not want any and Lizzy accepted that, although I suspect that she might have made a different decision if given the choice. I still think that Simon Harris is a horrible person. Some things never change. But, erring on the side of caution, I also always made sure that Lizzy knew exactly where I was, so that if ever the need arose I could be there for Adam.  

“I’m sure we'll see you again,” she whispered in my ear and I smiled at her, waving as they drove back down the driveway.

Turning back to the house I take a huge, shuddering breath and make my way inside.  I head for the mantel and lift the beautiful silver bell, holding it delicately in my hand and allowing myself a moment to lose myself in the memory. Giving it a little shake, the sweet chime brings back the day of my wedding as though it was yesterday. Wiping away the tears I set it gently back down. I hear Abby’s shriek of excitement from outside and I walk out to the back garden, towards my family, my future. Adam is my past; my beautiful, torturous, bittersweet past, one that I wouldn’t change for all the world. The year that we had together is something that I will cherish forever. I will remember, forever.

Steven is throwing Abby high into the air and catching her and she is giggling and squirming. It is a beautiful summer’s day but clouds are gathering on the horizon.

Steven catches my eye and whispers in Abby’s ear, lowering her to the ground. She runs over and throws her arms around me squeezing me tightly. 

“Go and wash your hands, sweetheart; Granny and Grandpa are on their way.” My mother and Frank come to us every second Sunday for lunch. My mother is now my best friend and has been since the day I let her in.