Randal Telk and the 396 Steps to Sexual Bliss (20 page)

There was movement ahead.
The SWAT team scattered for cover as grenades exploded, followed by automatic gunfire.
The concussive effect stunned Private Telk.
All went black.
Hello Darkness my old friend, I
’
ve come to talk to you again.

“
Buck it up!
”
shouted the Grim Reaper.
“
You
’
re such a wimp
,
no one even wants you in Hell!
You will not be killed today because it is not your time!
”

Suddenly alert, Private
Telk
affixed his bayonet, let out a rebel yell, and charged forward.
Even Sergeant Williams was taken back by the blood
-
curdling shriek.
Inspired, legionnaires and SWAT team members followed, overwhelming the Fist & Claw terrorists in a brief hand
-
to
-
claw fight.

Private Telk took Yolanda
– er, Elena –
in his arms, kissing her passionately.
Sergeant Williams dragged Invisible-Claw on his knees before Private Telk to be executed.

“
Please don
’
t kill me,
”
pleaded Invisible-Claw.
“
I appeal to your humanity.
” He glanced at Elena. “
Sorry about your finger.
That was an accident.
I saved it an ice box so doctors can sew it back on later.
Sorry about your tooth.
They were yellow, anyway.
New caps will look better.
Please don
’
t shoot!
I don
’
t want to die.
”

“
Bolshevik!
”
answered Private Telk in his native Romanian.

“
What?
”
asked Invisible-Claw, checking his translator.

“
I said
b
ullshit!
”

Yolanda
/Elena
kissed Randal again, whispering in his ear she needed the
three-hundred-ninety-six
steps to sexual bliss soon.
Then, in keeping with Legion tradition,
she
fired one shot to Invisible-Claw
’
s testicles, followed by another to the head.

###

~
BONUS
SHORT STORY~

Siam Summer

by James Boedeker

Young Randal Telk was born of average parents in Buffalo, New York.
Dad was a balding
,
pot-bellied
,
near-sighted fellow who was never around much.
Dad
’
s import/export business took him to exotic places like Southeast Asia.
Mom was sweet but homely.
When she fell out of the ugly tree
, she
hit every ugly branch on the way down, and got run over by a passing truck.
Lonely for Dad, she stayed home and ate a lot.
Growing apart, they finally divorced.

At first Dad called a few times a week, then a few times a month. Three years later, Dad was a stranger. Randal didn’t care much, content playing video games and surfing porn on the internet. At sixteen, he was interested in girls but didn’t know much about how to approach them. After Mom got a new boyfriend, a near-sighted toll booth operator, she decided Randal need a father’s influence. With no regard to how he felt, Randal was sent to visit Dad for the summer in Bangkok, Thailand, the Land of the Smile. Mom insisted travel abroad would round off Randal’s education.

Randal was upset about going to live with a man he barely knew in a country that didn
’
t speak English.
School friends were jealous.
Internet research showed Thai girls were hot and love
d
rich Americans.
They thought all Americans were rich.
For five dollars
,
even a dweeb like Randal could get laid in Thailand.
Even so, it was suggested that Randal work
out.
Hot girls like
d
big muscles.
Randal
’
s friends were morons.
How was he supposed to bulk up in one day?
Randal borrowed fifty dollars from Mom
’
s mad money stash.
That cash would be Randal
’
s getting
-
laid fund.

Randal
’
s education began upon his arrival in Bangkok.
Ninety degree temperature and humidity
was
a lot different from Buffalo.
Randal dumped his coat.
The next thing Randal learned was that Thai girls
we
re hot
, and they
were everywhere.
His jaw dropped as he just stood there staring.

Dad pulled Randal out of his trance to the car.
He seamed irritated and rushed, not to
o
pleased to be babysitting for the summer.
Randal suspected Dad was trying to kill him when he drove on the wrong side of the road onto the freeway.
Turn
ed
out everyone in Thailand dr
ove
like crazy on the wrong side of the road.
Randal tried closing his eyes in fear, but it didn
’
t help.

Randal accepted that
D
ad probably loved him but didn
’
t appreciate being forced into watching him.
Nobody like
d
being forced into things.
He didn
’
t say much, just the usual
how
’
s the flight, how
’
s the airplane food?
At his condo
,
Dad showed Randal his room and was off to work in five minutes.
He said
stay out of trouble!
Whatever.

Randal turned on the TV.
Nothing was in English.
Randal snooped in Dad
’
s room, immediately scoring a fistful of condoms.
Randal was still a virgin, but a virgin c
ould
never have too many condoms.
Randal calculated with his fifty dollars
,
he could get laid at least ten times.

When Dad got home
,
he brought weird Thai food in plastic bags.
Spicy soup and salad, the stuff burned going in and going out.
The least his old man could have done was warn him!
They still didn
’
t talk much, and retired early.

The next day Randal woke to a note saying Dad would be home late, and there were leftovers in the frig.
Yeah right.
Also, a boy Randal
’
s age would be by about noon to show him around.
Dad left a thousand Thai bhat in case he needed cash.
Randal added the odd looking bhat to his getting
-
laid fund.
Once again, the note added to
s
t
ay out of trouble!
Parents have no faith in their children.

At about two o
’
clock
,
a tall Australian boy and a hot Thai girl knocked on the door and walked right in, introducing themselves and kicking off their shoes.

“
Dude, you have to learn the culture,
”
advised Tom, noticing Randal was wearing his Nikes inside.
“
Never wear your shoes in the house or you
’
ll never get laid.
”

Tom
’
s hot girlfriend Mon nodded her agreement.
Randal immediately shed his shoes.
Mon was dressed kind of trashy, which made her extra hot.
She was wearing a skin
-
tight blue
tee-shirt
and miniskirt.
Randal could tell she liked sex because she kept rubbing up against Tom.
Randal wondered if he could steal Mon from Tom.

“
My dad works with your dad,
”
explained Tom, finding two English channels on the TV.
“
They think I
’
m going to show you some lame temples or go to the movies.
I know you didn
’
t come all the way to Thailand just to see a bunch of old buildings.
”

“
No way,
”
agreed Randal, trying to be smooth for his new friends.

“
Do you have a girlfriend?
”
asked Mon, sitting close to Randal on the couch.

“
Yes,
”
lied Randal, immediately regretting his answer.

“
That
’
s so sad for my friends who are dying to meet you,
”
cooed Mon, caressing his leg.
“
They all want foreign boyfriends.
”

“
Actually, we broke up before I left because she was getting to
o
clingy,
”
advised Randal.
“
I had to dump her.
It was sad.
I
’
m only just now getting over it.
I
’
m free to date.
”

Mon giggled as she rattled off a few words in Thai to Tom.
They seemed to be sharing an inside joke at Randal
’
s expense.
Sensing they were being rude, Tom switched back to English.
“
Mon thinks you
’
re cute, but knows you
’
re a virgin,
”
explained Tom.
“
No worries, mate.
We
’
ll take care of that before you leave.
”

“
Today?
”
asked Randal hopefully of his new best friend.

“
We need to establish a few rules,
”
insisted Tom, seriously.
“
First, we don
’
t tell our dads where we really go.
Second, don
’
t be bragging in
e
mails to all your friends in America every time you get laid.
Word always leaks, and we don
’
t want your mum freaking out about it.
”

Randal just nodded in agreement.
If he got laid, he was going to send
e
mails to all his friends.
He
’
d even send video to make sure they all believed him.

“
The last rule is the most important.
Always use condoms, and carry extras.
”

“
I got that covered!
”
replied Randal, reaching in his pocket to show off his multi-colored stash.
On that note, the three chums were out the door
,
seeking fun and adventure.
Randal was beginning to feel glad he came to Thailand after all.

They took a taxi to lunch.
Tom made Randal pay.
Randal didn
’
t mind, what with Tom promising to get him laid.
For the first time
,
Randal began paying attention to where he was and where he was going.
Randal did not want to get lost if he was on his own getting laid.
The streets were narrow, and it seemed like everyone was selling food.
And the girls were all beautiful.

They ate at McDonald
’
s with Mon
’
s friends.
Randal paid.
Tom explained paying would impress the girls.
All of Mon
’
s girlfriends were hot.
June, the most beautiful, took a particular interest in Randal, at one point sitting on his lap and running her fingers through his hair.
“
Do you have two thousand bhat?
”
asked June.