Reaching Out to the Stars (15 page)

Chapter 14

Almost Famous

As Bryce and I opted to order take out due to lack of food in the house, we decided to try a new Chinese place in town. We just moved into a brand new home and with money being tight, twenty dollars seemed like a lot of money considering the food was absolutely disgusting. I could not even finish what was on my plate so I moved on to the fortune cookie. As I cracked it open, enjoying the only edible thing on the table, my fortune read: Love or money, or neither?

I chose love. Love is what makes the world go ‘round, right? Of course it is. For love of my children, to stay home with them from day to day, even if it means sacrificing some of the things that I desire but know that there is always time for those things later in life. It’s the now for them and to me, that is important. For love of my husband, who works hard to put a roof over our heads and food on the table and the strength to tolerate my sometimes intolerable hang ups where sometimes I allow fantasy to interfere with reality.

For love of dreaming of what sometimes seems the impossible, but it’s sometimes the dream that keeps us going. It is important to keep our dreams alive.

It is November 24th and I just bought the new David Cook CD. While listening to his song “Time Of My Life,” I found myself totally engaged as I felt that I could somewhat relate to some of the lyrics through my present experience:

I’ve been waiting for my dreams

To turn into something

I could believe in

And looking for that

Magic rainbow

On the horizon

I couldn’t see it

Until I let go

Gave into love and watched all the bitterness burn

Now I’m coming alive

And feelin’ my world start to turn

And I’ll taste every moment

And live it out loud

I know this is the time
,

This is the time

To be more than a name

Or a face in the crowd

I know this is the time

This is the time of my life

I began to think I felt a connection. I hold my dreams close to my heart, and more than any actual real life experience is the heartfelt experience that I get through the feeling I have when I’m dreaming. I am in some respects living my dream, living it out loud through writing about it, ready to share it with the world. Through writing, I’ve felt like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders just by being able to express myself, my feelings, and my dreams, as crazy as they may be. More than any encounter, success or celebrity status is feeling alive from the power of dreaming. I will continue to stay grounded but remain open to any opportunity that shall present itself. Should luck come my way, whether it is an actual up close and personal experience or if life stays just the way it is, I truly believe that everything happens for a reason.

There are times in my life when I truly feel that no one fully understands me. There are days that I yearn to just be understood and to be taken seriously. I feel that no one genuinely believes in my ability to someday find what I am looking for, although sometimes I myself am not sure of what that is.

Just recently, Bryce said to me, “You and the kids are my life and I don’t know what we would do without you but there is something that is missing from yours, something centering around some kind of fame or success. It’s something I cannot give you but something you are going to need to find for yourself or leave me to find someone else who can give you what I can’t.”

When he said this to me, I actually got a little choked up and teary. There was a piece of me that knew he was right, because even though I do love my husband and my children and I am happy, I do feel at times that something is missing in my life. The only thing he is wrong about is I would never leave my family in order to seek whatever it is that is missing.

Other than my family, I feel that what I am most passionate about is too far out of reach; therefore sometimes I feel that it’s not even worth taking the extra steps in seeking it. Frequently, I feel as if I am in this zone. I am all alone in this foggy open room with walls on both sides of me. There is no way around, just fog for miles in front of me and behind. To the right is my husband and children, as the wall is always low enough to climb. To the left, the wall is much too high for me to climb on my own. If I were to get assistance in getting over the top of this wall to experience a journey of the unknown, they may not be able to follow. Therefore, I would never go. I would not even question leaving behind my sole being of happiness for something that I did not even know existed. Even if I knew it did, I could not fully succeed without them and again I would be missing something in my life, something much bigger. Without the unknown, I could survive. Without my family, I could not, for love is the root of everlasting happiness. Nothing is worth exploring if I cannot share it with the people I love most in my life.

I just sat down with some popcorn and soda to watch one of my favorite movies, Almost Famous. As I watched the movie many times before, I never realized how relevant it was to answering some of the questions regarding some of the confused feelings that I had been experiencing in my life.

The movie is about a fifteen year old boy named William, who was assigned to write an article for Rolling Stone magazine. It evolves into his reflection on the relationship between the two universes, fan and celebrity. As he finds himself amongst a famous rock band, Still Water, he experiences life from a whole different perspective.

He meets Penny Lane, a popular “band aid.” When he asks her if she has any regular friends, she responds, “Famous people are more interesting.” As Penny discovers that the lifestyles of the rich and famous could not provide her with the one thing that she craved most, love, she returns home to what William refers to as “the real world.”

Toward the end of the movie, the jet plane carrying William and the members of Still Water starts to take a dive toward the ground. William reminds them of the importance of the fan. As they were always too caught up in what was superficial, they were too busy to reflect on the more important things in life, love and peoples’ feelings.

As the movie comes to a close, one of the groupies speaks about people not understanding what it is like to be a true fan; to love a band or a piece of music so much that it hurts.

As I turned in to bed that night, I thought about the things that were most important in my life. As I closed my eyes feeling happy and content, I again found myself dreaming.

I was almost famous once in a romantic encounter with Jason Castro. I bet you are wondering how that saucy dream ends. Well, it doesn’t. It is always open ended, maybe to keep the dream alive, maybe for hope of a dream coming true, or maybe to always make sure that I open my eyes to reality. I have children who need their mother and a husband who needs his wife as much as she needs them, along with the dream.

Anna Maria College

My Family