Real Vampires Know Hips Happen (25 page)

“Yes, that would be fatal in a human. And I can’t imagine a vampire’s brain can endure that kind of long-term exposure to body heat either.” Ian watched me hold the glass so Jerry could drink. “Never thought I’d say it, but I feel damned sorry for you, Campbell.”

Jerry didn’t acknowledge the sympathy. He let the straw
slide from his mouth. “A cool bath? That sounds good right now. Here? Or should Glory take me home?”

“Here. You need to wait for Cornelius. He said he has some ideas, some things to try to rid you of the spell. Said it definitely sounded like someone had cast a Hellfire spell.” Ian held out his hand. “Give me the vial, Gloriana. And explain exactly who gave this to your mother and why.”

I handed it to him but realized I didn’t know much. “She has some enemies apparently. I have a feeling this guy played a dirty trick on her.”

“He certainly did.” My mother appeared, dragging a man behind her. He had a long beard and wore dark robes that looked wet. “This is the incompetent cretin who swore to me that the mixture he gave me would cure you, Jeremiah.” She dropped the man on the floor in front of her. “Tell them, Waldo, what you told me.”

“Please, I swear, it was supposed to work. I mixed it so carefully—”

“Lying sack of peacock poop! Do you want me to drag you through the ocean again?” She kicked him with one of her high-heeled pumps. “Look at his red face. Do you not see how it worked?” She pointed to Jerry. “Show him, Jeremiah. Burn something.” She gestured around the room. “That!” She aimed at a painting on the wall above the fireplace.

“No! That’s an original Van Gogh!” Ian grabbed a newspaper and held it up. “Hit this with your best shot, Campbell.”

Jerry actually grinned. “But I like art. What is that supposed to be? A harvest?”

“Burn the damned newspaper,” Ian said through clenched teeth.

“Not nearly as much fun.” Jerry ran a fingertip over the front page and it burst into flames. Ian dropped it on the tile floor and stamped it out.

“There! What did I tell you?” My mother shot the quivering
man at her feet with a lightning bolt and he yelped, his robes smoking.

“Please, perhaps I hurried the process. Madam was impatient, standing over me. I’ll do another batch. Do you have unicorn tongue here, sir?” He looked around wildly.

Ian shook his head. “I assume you’re Gloriana’s mother? I’m Ian MacDonald.” He started to hold out his hand then obviously remembered the lightning and thought better of it.

“Call me Olympia. Yes, Gloriana is mine.” She smiled at me then frowned. “Still in those awful clothes? By all the gods above!” She waved her hand and I swear everyone there except me shrank back, afraid of what was coming. I knew. Sure enough, I had on a new outfit. This one, I kept. The red and black dress fit the fire motif and had the deep vee neckline I loved.

“Mother, Jerry is in serious distress. This fire thing is killing him. He has to drink this then hop into a tub of cool water. His temperature is through the roof. I hope you’ve brought a cure.” I held the glass to his lips again. Jerry drank though he couldn’t take his eyes off my mother. She was quite a sight in her sparkly red evening gown. We almost matched. It made me wonder what she and the sorcerer had been up to when she’d gotten my text. Of course the fact that she kept zapping Waldo every minute or so was enough to keep anyone eyeing her warily.

“Well, go to it. I’ll work on this slug and see what we can do.” She kept her high heel on the whimpering sorcerer’s arm. “What do you think, Dr. MacDonald? Should we let this creature into your laboratory for another try?”

“First, I’d like to examine this vial Glory brought along. And question, um, what was his name?”

“Waldo. You know, like those books. He does like to hide. Which is the game we were playing when I got Gloriana’s text. Where’s Waldo? I can’t tell you how much I despise such nonsense.” She smiled so evilly that I’d have crossed myself if I’d been Catholic. “Son of a shrew! Beetle dung!”
She gave him another lightning jolt. “Just try hiding from me after this.” She nodded. “Don’t worry, he will answer all your questions.” She gestured to me. “Gloriana, take your man to that bath. He looks like he’s about to fall down.”

“Jerry, come on.” Mother was right. Jerry swayed where he stood, his eyes closing. I grabbed one of his arms while Melanie took the other one. We were both careful not to touch his hands.

“I can walk.” He pulled away from Melanie but stumbled. “Shit. The blood seemed to give me some strength for a moment, but I’m so on fire I can’t, uh, can’t focus.” Jerry grabbed Ian’s leather sofa to steady himself. We all exclaimed at the smell of burning cowhide.

“Careful, man!”

“Hush, Ian.” I got a better grip on Jerry’s waist while Melanie took hold of him again on the other side. “No nonsense now, Jerry. Let Melanie and me get you down the hall. It’s like you’ve been poisoned. It’s okay to take some help.”

“I hate this weakness.” Jerry finally leaned against me. “For God’s sake don’t let me touch you with my hands, Gloriana.”

“I won’t.” I wanted to cry. Melanie and I got him down the hall where I stripped him carefully while she ran a large tub full of water. He had to make a fist to get his shirt over his hands but we finally managed it. Jerry gasped when we helped settle him into it. But much too soon it was steaming.

“Wait here.” Melanie ran out of the room and I heard her call for help. Ian had plenty of guards around the place. He’d always had lots of security because of his expensive equipment and secret experiments. He also sold very high-end drugs to vampires. Soon she was back with a bowl of ice. She dumped it into the water where it melted immediately.

“Jerry, can you hear me? Do you feel any better?” She put her hand on his forehead. He had his eyes closed and I was afraid he’d
lost consciousness. “I think the fever’s come down a little bit.”

“I hear you. Leave me to die in peace. So…hot.” He leaned his head against the back of the tub, his hands on his stomach. Whenever they touched the water, it started boiling.

“Jer, can you lift your hands out of the water?” I heard footsteps and then several men came in carrying more ice to drop into the tub. I reached under Jerry’s feet to pull the drain so the water level could go down some.

“Yes, that’s better.” He rested his hands on top of his head. “Cooler now.” He sighed. “Crazy this.”

“Yes, but they’re working on a cure. Don’t worry.” Melanie looked at me. “I’ll be right back.”

I sank down on the floor beside the tub, my hand on Jerry’s bare shoulder. Every few minutes another man would come in and pour more ice into the tub. I couldn’t imagine the torture this must be for Jerry. I rubbed his bare chest, trying to comfort him. What I really wanted to do was make that damned sorcerer pay for what he’d done. If he was still there when I got back to the living room, I was going to kick him myself with the new suede pumps my mother had materialized for me. I sighed and leaned my cheek against the tub.

“Gloriana, I’m sorry.” My mother stroked my hair.

“You should be.” I stood and shook out my skirt. “Look at Jerry. At what you’ve done. This all started with that first potion on the knife you gave Mara.”

“He’s a fine looking man.” She did look, clearly checking out naked Jerry stretched out in the tub.

“Ooo! That’s not what I meant. What’s wrong with you? He’s mine.” I shoved her out of the room.

“Relax, darling. On Olympus we don’t care about family connections. Everyone is fair game when it comes to the bedroom. You mate with whoever takes your fancy.” She patted my cheek. “I’d think after your stint as a Siren you’d be more open-minded.”

“That’s not being open-minded, that’s creepy. And I don’t remember a thing about my life as a Siren, the Storm God took care of that.”

“Yet another vendetta I must take care of.” She frowned. “Many have wronged us, Daughter. But I’m here to tell you the new sorcerer has arrived. Come. The guards will pull your man out of the tub and get him dressed. I’m sure you’re eager to hear what this magician has to say.”

“Yes, let’s hope he can do some good because I’m telling you, Mother, I’ve had it with your ‘tries.’ You are about to lose any chance with me. Seeing Jerry suffer like this has done it. I can’t take any more. Hurt me if you want to, but leave Jerry the hell alone!” I wiped away my wet cheeks. I’d never meant anything more.

“I just wanted to fix things.” She actually looked surprised by my hard line.

“Good intentions aren’t worth peacock poop. It’s the results that count. I think you would agree with that.” I marched down the hall ahead of her.

In the living room, a rather ordinary looking man was doing a tap dance all over the hapless Waldo.

“What in the name of all that’s magic were you thinking? It’s ocelot’s tongue, not unicorn tongue.” He whirled around and I saw his eyes, not ordinary at all. They were orange, vivid orange, and so bright I had to look away.

“Cornelius. Please. I looked in the book.” Waldo squinted up at him. “See how I’ve suffered?” He held out his robe, full of charred holes obviously made by the lightning bolts my mother had been shooting at him. “Haven’t I been punished enough?”

“Your vanity makes you stupid. Buy some glasses and wear them.” Cornelius threw a fireball at the man, reducing his head of gray hair and long beard to frizzled black tufts which began to break off and fall to the floor in a rain of ashes. “Honestly, who hired this man?”

“I did.” My mother stepped forward. “He came highly recommended.”

“By who? The troll under the bridge? He couldn’t spell his way out of second grade!” Cornelius pulled a wand out of his pocket. He wore an expensive gray suit, so I had no idea where he’d hidden it. He bopped Waldo on his now bald head. Waldo sobbed and begged for mercy. We all ignored him.

“No, it was one of the gods. He…” My mother frowned. “Well, now that I think on it, he does have a reason to hate me.” She glanced at the ceiling. “Oh, but he’ll have even more reason when I get back up there.” I heard thunder and knew there would be quite a payback coming.

“I’ll let you deal with your own issues, madam. I brought some supplies. Where’s the victim?” Cornelius stared down the hallway. “Oh, here he comes. I’m just in time I’d say or his brain would start boiling. No one survives that. Not even a vampire.”

I gasped. Jerry was being carried by two strong vampires. His skin practically blazed, so red from his fever I might not have known him except for his wild eyes. He wore only a pair of boxers. Apparently the men had given up trying to dress him or maybe he couldn’t bear more clothes on his overheated body.

“If he dies, Waldo, I’ll turn you into a dung beetle then crush you under my heel.” Cornelius stood over a sobbing Waldo then finally hit him with his wand again.

“Help me,” Jerry said, locking eyes on Cornelius. Then he passed out.

Twelve

They
laid Jerry on the tile floor in Ian’s lab, his hands on his chest. It was the only way to work on him, apparently. He was unconscious. Cornelius stood at a worktable. He muttered while stirring some things together that he’d pulled out of a purple velvet bag. He paused occasionally to drag Waldo over to point out something.

After each of his lessons, which I guess is what they were, he banged Waldo’s head against Ian’s workbench as if to get the information into the junior sorcerer’s brain. Ian frowned, probably at the dents in his porcelain table, but he didn’t say a word. He was too busy furiously taking notes on his computer.

“He looks bad, Gloriana.”

“Thanks, Mother. I really needed to hear that right now.” I sat on the floor beside Jerry, brushing his damp hair back from his forehead. His fever had spiked again and it was all I could do not to scream at the sorcerer to hurry. They’d pushed ice packs up against Jerry’s body but those kept melting and had to be replaced constantly. Finally I heard Cornelius approaching, his silk slippers and robe swishing across the floor. I don’t know when he’d changed clothes and didn’t care.

“Move.” He didn’t ask, he commanded.

I got out of the way, jumping up to watch and pray.

Cornelius paced in a circle around Jerry, chanting and tossing some kind of grass or herbs or whatever into the air. They smelled fresh, then bitter. A mist began to form above Jerry, like storm clouds gathering, swirling into a gray mass above his prone body.

I glanced at my mother and gave her a warning look. This wasn’t the time for one of her displays of power. If she started to toss thunder and lightning around, I’d never speak to her again. She shook her head and kept her hands folded in front of her, apparently just as interested in the proceedings as Melanie, who darted around for the best angle, capturing the whole thing on video camera.

“All right. Now this is important. He must drink this elixir now.” Cornelius was obviously in his element. His eyes glowed, juiced sunbeams, and he raised his arms in their long sleeves toward the clouds he’d created. He began chanting something in a strange language. He gave Waldo, who’d crept closer to observe, a hard look and the incompetent sorcerer scurried back to a spot farther away. Finally Cornelius lowered the glass and faced me.