Reason to Believe (White Lace) (5 page)

Our lips clashed and tangled and suddenly it wasn’t enough. I pulled her up, pressing my hand to the back of her head, urging her closer, urging her to take me, all of me. Everything she wanted.

“Guys?” A voice sounded in the distance, but I kept kissing her because she was kissing me right back.

“Ben?”

A throat cleared and I froze, suddenly realizing that the two of us were supposed to be acting. I broke the kiss despite my every molecule telling me to keep going, to keep kissing her until our clothes were on the floor and I was inside her once again.

But I didn’t listen to that little devil sitting on my shoulder.

I stepped back, uncurling my arms from her body. Grace’s eyes were still closed when I took another backward step. Her mouth was swollen, her lipstick was smeared, and her lips were parted in slight disbelief. She was just as rocked by that kiss as I was.

With a grin, I turned and walked out of the shot.

Cory yelled, “Cut!”

“I hope you got what you needed because that’s not happening again.” I could tell by the tone in her voice that she’d armed herself again, locking the steel door that she always had protecting her like a fortress. She refused to look in my direction, but it was just as well. If I had any hope of following through with my promise of no distraction, I had to let this go. I had to keep my cock flaccid inside my pants despite its incessant request to stand at attention.

Besides, even if I did have intentions of trying to make her mine, there was no way I could survive the battle to win her heart. She had too many booby traps, too much hellfire and brimstone keeping out anyone who might want to know the real Grace Nolan.

“I’ll just go and get us set up,” Grace said, her fingers pressing against her lips.

I wasn’t sure why, but that action filled my chest with pride.

“Give me ten minutes, and then we can start.”

I turned my attention to Cory, going over the scene. Answering his questions and praising him, despite being so checked out in the moment that I’d forgotten that he existed.

We cleaned up the equipment and put away the blow-up dolls, then just as he left for the evening, he said, “
Hasta la vista,
baby.”

I laughed to myself as I checked my phone to ensure I didn’t have any porn emergencies waiting for me.

When I turned around, Grace was standing in the doorway watching. “What was that about?” She jerked her thumb in the direction Cory had just left.

“His real education. Arnold Schwarzenegger one-liners.”

Now that Cory was gone, we no longer had a buffer. Silence fell between us as we settled into the boardroom, removing the items from their original boxes and setting ourselves up with an assembly line. Everly had really gone all out, securing gift cards, travel-sized toiletries, a passport cover with a maple leaf embossed in the leather, and other accessories.

“He seems nice.” Grace filled the silence with a very generic and safe topic. Cory.

“Yes, and really smart. I…” I didn’t finish my sentence. I didn’t want to say out loud how I was feeling.

“You don’t think he’s smarter than you, do you?”

My head shot up and I stared at her in disbelief. How the hell did she know that’s how I was feeling? “Let’s just make the swag.”

“He didn’t seem to mind that you don’t have a formal education.” She continued to talk as if she knew the situation. Like she had a right to comment.

“I mind.” I threw a bottle of shampoo on the table, a little too forcefully. “I don’t even know why I agreed to this. I should just…I should just back out before—”

“So you’re going to give up? That’s not the Ben Lockwood I know.”

I scoffed. “You don’t know anything about me.”

She stuffed her little black bag with a leather passport holder and continued down the table without even looking up. “Ben Lockwood doesn’t take shit from anyone. He knows his craft and is proud. That’s what I know.”

My chest felt a little less tight with her words, and I had to admit it might have even swelled slightly. Grace and I were friendly, but I wouldn’t consider us “friends.” Yet, she got me.

“I thought I could use this as an opportunity to prove I was more than a joke, filming people having sex. I just want Hirsh to be proud of me. I want him to count on me, to know that I can be as…”

Why the hell was I spilling my guts? She didn’t care. Not really.

“You’re scared. That’s what this is about? Now that Max is gone, you feel inadequate.”

She’d hit the nail on the head. How the hell did she do that?

“I’m not mentor material.” I shook my head, doing my best to disagree. “And I’m no Max Levin.”

But Grace wasn’t having any of my pity party.

“You want to wow the panties off those students, I can help you. It’s all about knowing the rules.” She shrugged then turned to place her finished bag into one of the boxes.

“You’d really do that?”

She was offering to help me. To be there for me in my time of need.

There was only one other woman in this world who’d ever followed through with her promises. She had died a slow, torturous death from breast cancer, and ever since I’ve feared I’d never have another woman in my life I could trust.

“Why not?” She shrugged. “I should get my money’s worth for my expensive education when I can.” When I didn’t immediately acknowledge her bullshit response, she said, “Let’s just say I could use all the good karma I can get.”

I had every reason to believe that her offer to help had nothing to do with actually wanting to help me, but why would Grace Nolan need good karma?

“All right.” I’d play along. We were going to need something to talk about while we filled up these damn bags. “So what are the rules?” I picked up a travel-sized shampoo and conditioner and placed it inside my work in progress.

“There are three rules to public speaking, at least in my opinion. Be yourself. Be passionate about your topic. And first and foremost…” She scanned me up and down. “…look the part.” She snickered. “We have a lot of work to do on that front.”

“I’ll have you know, in some circles I’m considered a style icon.”

She laughed, a hearty sound that made me smile. “In what circles? High school stoner chic? No wait…” She held out her hand. “…maybe surfer stoner. That’s much better.”

I threw a gift card across the table, hitting her right on the arm just as my phone buzzed in my pocket. I pulled it out, groaning when I saw the name on the screen.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, a look of concern falling over her face.

“I have more work to do when we’re done.” I stuffed my phone back in my pocket. “I have three scenes I need to vet before they go up on the site tomorrow.”

Talk about last minute. I was so behind on things that our usual work schedule was way out of whack. And I had to admit, I was extremely sick of porn. It was one thing to film and edit it because it was my vision, my work of art. But when it was someone else’s, when I wasn’t directly involved, watching porn got old real fast.

“I could totally watch porn.” Grace’s eyes lit up with excitement, and before I knew it she was out the door.

Christ.

This was
not
going to end well.

Watching porn with Ben Lockwood was the recipe for a catastrophe.

But the words were out of my mouth and my legs were moving in the wrong direction before I’d even had time to figure out what the hell I was doing.

“Grace?” he called out after me, but I was already gone. “I don’t think it’s the best idea.”

This was innocent fun. Watching porn didn’t mean it would lead to anything. He was essentially working. It was a business function. And I just happened to be tagging along.

Right. Like your vagina isn’t doing a happy dance right now.

The moment I breached the doorway, I was bombarded with memories. Heat traveled up my neck to my chest and my heart pounded against my breastbone. Just the sight of this office had me remembering the way his large hands had gripped my body—like he never wanted to let me go.

I walked over to his desk, resting on the edge facing the door. I took a deep breath, willing my body to calm down. But it wouldn’t. It burned for release. For the touch of someone’s hands, anyone’s but mine.

“You seriously want to do this?”

My head snapped up at the sound of his voice in the doorway. Despite the fact that he looked at me like I had six heads, I couldn’t help but admire him. It seemed all I ever did when I was in the same room with Ben Lockwood was admire him. “It’ll be fun.” I nodded, my thighs tightening. “How many people get to watch unreleased porn?”

All right, maybe I didn’t even need to be in the same room. Maybe I just needed to think about him and my mind went to all sorts of places. Dirty places. Hot, sexy, breathless places.

He contemplated it for a while, but finally relented. “All right, we can do this, but no monkey business.” He pointed between us while pushing off from where he rested on the doorframe and made his way toward me.

“Please, Lockwood. I just want to see some porn. I didn’t say anything about wanting to screw you.”

Disappointment washed over me. I wanted him to want me. I wanted him to be so overcome with need that he threw me down on the desk and fucked me, like he had all those months ago. But it looked like the ball was in my court if I wanted to break my rules and take this into the sexy category. And if I did, I was going to have to pull every seduction tactic I had out of my arsenal.

He was only an arm’s length away now. He’d let his hair down during our swag assembly line and it framed the rigid lines of his jaw. I wanted to reach out, to brush it away and get a glimpse into those chestnut eyes that had burned a spot onto my heart. Although he’d never know it. I could never tell him that.

“This isn’t a good idea, you and me.”

Of course it wasn’t. It was probably the worst idea I’d ever had. But that didn’t mean I was going to walk away.

I swallowed down the words that were swimming around my brain and instead smiled brightly.

With his own grin and a shake of his head, he walked around his desk, pulling out the rolling chair from underneath and clicking away at his computer. “Come on over.”

When he’d found the files, he pointed at the screen. “Pick your poison. Plumber and housewife. Male firefighter and male fire captain. Or extreme bondage.”

“Definitely not bondage.”

I might have indulged clients a few times over the years, but I wasn’t into bondage. A little handcuff to the headboard or silk ties around the wrists and ankles had its place, but anything more than that and I just wasn’t on board.

“Noted. Not into bondage.” His eyebrow quirked up and there it was—that smile.

You are not going to let Ben Lockwood slip past your walls again.

I willed myself to step back, pull away as much as I could. My libido battled with my emotions. I was desperate for human connection, but I couldn’t let myself get caught up in romance. Not until I found “the one.” And if agreeing to coach the one man I needed to avoid like the plague could sway the universe my way, I’d do it. I’d do it with fucking bells on.

I placed my hand on his shoulder, shirking off the seemingly electric current that ran up my arm the moment I touched him. “Let’s go with the firefighters.”

My choice was strategic. I needed the least sexy of the three.

“Firefighters it is.”

He opened up a shared folder and double-clicked on a file that was named Hose Kings. I choked out a laugh. If it weren’t made with the sole intent of getting people off, porn would most definitely be filed in the comedy section.

“You don’t get uncomfortable watching this? Considering you’re…”

“Straight?” The scene started, a rhythmic mix of drum and bass. The one thing I liked about White Lace Productions, there wasn’t cheesy porn music. It was like they hired a faux David Guetta to create original tracks for their scenes. Which I appreciated. It definitely helped with the mood.

“Honestly, I only pay attention to make sure it’s technically sound. Otherwise, I’m not really paying attention to what’s going on between the actors.”

I sat on the desk, turning slightly to get a good view of the screen, and my knee bumped into his leg. Now that I was so close, I smelled him—spearmint and aftershave. A deadly combination to my senses.

We watched the scene unfold. Two men in the bunk area of a fire station. Useless conversation took place. Admittedly, I only had one eye on the screen because I couldn’t stop looking at Ben, because he couldn’t stop looking at me.

He’d been right. He didn’t pay attention, but I wasn’t convinced that it was the type of porn on the screen that had his attention diverted.

There was nakedness now; abs, beautiful chest hair, smooth shoulders and backs, and…holy shit, cocks the size of broomsticks.

I felt a blush creep up my neck to my cheeks. Ben leaned back, his chair reclining at the perfect angle for him to place his hands behind his head. And he just watched me.

It wasn’t the porn that caused my body to heat, the tingle rising up my body, stopping for a few minutes between my legs before it made its way to thump inside my chest. No, it was Ben’s intense stare.

Oh, God. I needed an orgasm so badly. I needed to have sex and feel the weight of a man on top of me. To feel the push and pull of a cock between my legs. I’d give anything for that man to be Ben. A repeat performance had not been on my to-do list—my wish list, definitely, but not something I needed to do in order to solidify my future.

Besides, I had promised myself I wouldn’t chase him. I had promised myself I wouldn’t let him in again.

I turned a little on the desk, and his eyes immediately focused between my legs. I knew without even looking that he could see up my dress.

His shoulders stiffened, and I saw gooseflesh break out across his arms. “Grace…” He croaked out my name. It was the sexiest sound I’d ever heard. Needy. Dangerous.

And right now, I couldn’t fight the urge to be very, very bad.

I leaned forward, my hands roaming the hard expanse of his chest, embracing the way my girl parts reacted to him. I slipped off the desk, crowding him, lowering my mouth to his ear. But I barely had a chance to settle. He jumped out of the chair, getting as far away from me as possible.

Frustration bubbled inside me. He sure knew how to make a girl feel wanted. “What the fuck, Ben.”

“I said it wasn’t a good idea.” He paced on the opposite side of the desk, his hands fisting at his sides. His brain might be telling him to resist, but his body was telling me he wanted this. His cock was noticeably hard inside his pants.

“What’s the big deal? We’ve already done it. What’s one more time?”

One more. Ten more. No big deal. I simply needed sex.

Keep telling yourself that.

“I just can’t.” He spat out the words as if they were poison on his tongue. “Not with you.”

“So you’d rather fuck some random porn star wannabe or stranger in a bar than—”

“It’s not because I don’t
want
to. It’s just…I can’t because…” His words trailed off and he blew out a hard breath before gripping the shiny strands of his blond hair in his fist. “Because I’m celibate.”

Was it cold in here? Had hell suddenly frozen over?

“I’m sorry?” Those words had definitely worked to cool down some of my raging hormones. “I don’t think I heard that correctly.”

“You did.” His eyes lowered to the floor. “I haven’t had sex since I took over as vice president.”

I burst out laughing. I couldn’t help it because it just couldn’t be true.

Ben Lockwood, manwhore extraordinaire, was…celibate?

But my laughter quickly turned to an anger-fueled need to flee. After all this time, he still couldn’t give me the courtesy of telling the truth.

“You really know how to make a girl feel good about herself, Lockwood. Thanks for that.”

I stalked to the door, not even bothering to fix my clothing. If he didn’t want to have sex with me, fine. I was a big girl. I could handle it. He didn’t have to lie.

“Please don’t leave.” He grabbed my elbow, preventing me from taking even one step past him. “I’m not lying. I…made a promise to myself.”

“I don’t understand. Don’t you…”

I couldn’t say it. If he admitted that he didn’t want me, it would be over and I’d never be able to use my default fantasy again. My entire sex life as an escort had been with men who had paid me to keep them company. Ben had been the only one who’d wanted me, no money involved. I couldn’t lose that. It was the sole semblance of a real, emotional connection I had.

“Grace, look at me.”

I made the mistake of looking into his eyes and it killed me, because I knew he was telling the truth. And that just made the whole situation worse. I did my best to straighten my shoulders and lift my chin. If he didn’t want to get inside my pants, there was no way I could let him get inside my head. No way I could disclose that I, too, hadn’t had sex since I’d stopped being an escort.

“I have
never
wanted anyone more than I want you.” His grip on my elbow tightened. “Never. Is that enough for you?”

I shook my head. He’d had his chance to woo me with romantic words and gestures. He’d had his chance to tell me the truth. But that wasn’t why I had jumped at the chance to watch porn. It wasn’t why I was in this office instead of the casting room making swag bags.

“I don’t want your words, Ben. I want your cock.”

I wasn’t ashamed to say it. Not to Ben. If anyone understood, it would be him.

“So what I’m hearing is that you want to use me?”

The ache between my legs pulsed harder with every syllable he spoke. Why did his voice have to be so damn sexy?

He licked his lips, his eyes settling on my chest. I knew with our height difference, he was able to see right down my dress. “I’m probably a good choice.”

Hope filled me. I stepped closer, but he took two steps back.

I growled in frustration, that hope taking a nosedive and imploding when it hit the floor. “Fine. I’ll go.”

“Wait.” His words were barely audible. He returned to his spot in front of me. The shorter the distance between us, the more my body shook—an unstoppable shiver that ran up my spine and awoke all of the nerve endings in my body.

Did his closeness mean he was ready to give in? I reached out, but he skirted away from my hand.

“Screw you, Ben.” I jerked out of his grip. “I can go and find a million other guys to have sex with.” The mess of emotions running through me tonight rivaled the best of premenstrual hormone surges. But right now all I could feel was disappointment. Disappointment that I wasn’t enough to tempt him. And the fact that I felt it made me angry.

I turned, and with a dramatic flare flipped my hair over my shoulder.

“But you won’t.” I stopped dead in my tracks. “Because you want
me.
”

I snorted. Arrogant son-of-a—

“You think I don’t want to fuck you?” With two steps, his body was flush against mine. He gripped my hand, pulling it up to his chest. “Believe me, there is nothing more in this world I want to do. I want to bend you over that desk, pull up your dress, and rip your panties from your body.”

I sucked in a breath. His words were like a trigger. A lure of dirty talk that brought out the game player in me. “What if I’m not wearing any panties?”

His jaw tightened and I saw the muscles working under his skin. “Then you’re just making it easier for me to get what I want.”

I looked up, staring him down as best I could. “And what
do
you want?”

He considered his response as he slid his hand over his erection, cupping the thick outline against his khakis. I’d never been a fan of khaki pants. They reminded me too much of the guys in my business classes. But Ben made khakis look sinful and I wanted to run my tongue along every inch of that thick outline.

“Why are you knitting?” He croaked out the words. I barely recognized his voice.

Why the hell was he bringing up knitting at a time like this? But I responded, stepping back to get some perspective. “I’m trying new things.”

His breath had grown shallow and more frequent. “You’re bored, aren’t you?”

There was no way he could know. When you’re having sex three to five times a week, quitting cold turkey would be a shock to your system. No way could he have guessed that I was desperate to keep myself occupied. I searched his face for some sign that I was wrong.

“I’m not bored.” I let out a heavy breath and when our eyes met, those mesmerizing brown depths settled on mine, and I couldn’t lie to him. “I’m restless.”

“Do you ever think about that afternoon?” he whispered. He reached out to place his hand on my hip, but I stepped back again. I had zero control of myself right now and the thing I wanted more than anything was suddenly too close for comfort.

“I think about that night.” He pointed to his desk. “When I fucked you in that exact spot.”

My stomach fluttered and I had to dig my nails into my thighs to keep myself from jumping him.

His eyes were shifty, moving from one spot on my body to another, taking in the slight heave of my chest, the quiver in my stomach and my stocking-covered legs.

Fuck me sideways, this man was killing me. Actually, I’d give anything for him to fuck me sideways. Frontward. Backward. Any way. Just as long as his dick was inside me.