Reasons Mommy Drinks (4 page)

Mommy used to furnish her home with the perfect blend of high design and mid-century modern style. But your impending arrival drove her to throw all good taste out the (now flanked by teddy bear curtains) window. This psychotic break in good taste is called nesting, which is appropriate given the number of cutesy bird plush toys now strewn all over this once minimalist den. At first, Mommy had visions of geometric black-and-white sheets, one whimsical Blabla doll handmade in Peru, and a gorgeous Scandinavian rocking chair she saw on Pinterest. Then something terrible happened. She was overcome with the urge to paint the walls a seizure-inducing shade of chartreuse, frame hideously adorable ABC posters, and buy a safari-themed musical mobile that sounds eerily like the theme from
A Nightmare on Elm Street
. The final nail in the coffin for her dreams of a nursery worthy of
Architectural Digest
came when she took one look at the price tag of an Oeuf crib. Off to IKEA she went, followed by a shopping spree at Babies “R” Us. According to the twenty-two-year-old receptionist at her ob-gyn office, it’s
critical
that your nursery has a theme. The theme of your room: Mommy Surrenders.

INGREDIENTS

1 ounce tequila

3 ounces lemon-lime soda

Splash of cranberry juice

INSTRUCTIONS

Fill a glass with ice. Pour in all the ingredients and stir. Make sure you nurse it.

HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK

Mommy did the math and figured out you were conceived after she polished off a bottle of red with Daddy on an empty stomach. The throbbing headache made her slightly regret that at work the next day, but little did she know that this magical and blurry evening was her last hurrah for nine months. The minute she found out she was having you, she stopped drinking—and also gave up unpasteurized cheese, Diet Coke, coffee, sushi, and fun. Apparently in France women enjoy all of these things in moderation when they’re pregnant, but Mommy couldn’t handle the judgmental North American stares. Plus, all the conflicting literature on what’s harmless and what’s not during pregnancy made Mommy play it on the safe side, to put it mildly. This meant constantly complaining to security about the smokers outside her office tower, washing her hands every five minutes, popping prenatal vitamins like an addict, and eating an excessive amount of steamed kale. Mommy was now the Least Fun Person at Every Party, and she noticed her Evite invitations took a steep decline during this time. That was actually fine with her. The combination of nausea from morning sickness (inaccurately named because she had it
all the time
), extreme fatigue, and general disgust with maternity wardrobe options made her perfectly happy to RSVP her regrets. Of course, she wasn’t always the picture of health; she probably spent a good chunk of your college fund on trips to DQ. Maybe that’s why her ob-gyn, upon seeing the results on the scale, told her to “slow down.” Unfortunately, this had the reverse effect, as Mommy later ate her feelings in the form of a Mint Oreo Blizzard.

INSTRUCTIONS

Now that you can have the occasional drink, enjoy

1 gorgeous glass paired with gooey, unpasteurized Brie.
Vive la France!

HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK

Mommy just had her insides ripped apart and her entire world turned upside down, and has slept a combined total of seventeen minutes in the past week. The last thing she feels like doing, besides getting pregnant ever again, is turning her home into a revolving door for friends, neighbors, and distant cousins who think they’re doing Mommy a favor by being among the very first human beings to meet you. Fresh off germy public transit or on their last round of antibiotics, they immediately want to pry you from Mommy’s arms with their unwashed hands and inadequate neck-supporting techniques. Then Mommy is forced to play photographer, which involves multiple retakes and twenty minutes of postproduction work on an iPhone. Meanwhile, Daddy embraces the opportunity to entertain. “Beers for everyone!” Mommy wants nothing more than to crawl into bed and emerge when you can read, but instead she finds herself listening to Suzy No Kids’s overly detailed account of a minimalist art exhibit while silently brainstorming strategies for cutting this visit short. Every visitor assumes maternity leave is one long vacation and thus expects lunch. As do you. Mommy is forced to further complicate the process of latching you to her painfully engorged breast by introducing a Hooter Hider into the mix while simultaneously grilling panini.

INGREDIENTS

5 ounces apple cider

¾ ounce bourbon

¾ ounce apple liqueur

1 cinnamon stick

INSTRUCTIONS

Warm the apple cider on the stovetop and pour into a mug. Add the bourbon and apple liqueur, and stir. Garnish with a cinnamon stick. Do not serve to any visitors or they’ll never leave.

HOW BADLY YOU NEED THIS DRINK