Reawakened by the Surgeon's Touch (10 page)

‘Thank you.' There was something in his voice that made her heart race. Had he felt it too? Felt that flash of awareness that had passed through her? Common sense decreed it was impossible, that no one could experience another person's feelings, yet she couldn't dismiss the idea.

‘I take it that I'll be staying here for the night.'

There was nothing in his voice to alarm her now, yet Claire still hesitated before she turned. Had she been mistaken? she wondered. Imagined something that simply hadn't happened? She searched his face and found her answer in the brooding intensity of his gaze. Her breath caught. She hadn't imagined it. Jude was every bit as aware of her as she was of him and it made the situation even more dangerous.

‘Yes. I... I'll sort out a room you can use,' she said quickly, struggling to hold on to her composure. ‘With all the children being here there isn't a lot of free space, but I'm sure we can find somewhere for you to sleep.'

‘Don't go to any trouble,' he said quietly. ‘I'll sleep in here if there's nowhere else. In fact, it might be better if I did. I can keep an eye on Bebe then. She is one very sick little girl.'

The concern on his face as he looked at the child was unmistakable. Claire felt a rush of warmth run through her. There was no doubt that Jude cared deeply about their small patient and it simply proved that her initial impression of him had been completely wrong. As she left the room, she suddenly found herself wondering if she should rectify the mistake he had made about her. Surely he deserved to know that she wasn't a nun? It didn't seem fair to let him carry on believing it and yet if she did tell him the truth, it could have repercussions.

She bit her lip as panic rose inside her. Recalling what had so nearly happened at the pool that afternoon, not to mention what had gone on just now, was it really wise to remove the final barrier between them? Maybe she did feel differently about him, but it didn't mean that she could cope with having a relationship with him.

CHAPTER NINE

M
ORNING
DAWNED
,
CALM
and clear, such a contrast to his state of mind that Jude found it hard to believe a new day had begun with so little fanfare. He had spent the night going over what had happened the evening before. Oh, he had tried to convince himself that he'd been mistaken, that Claire
hadn't
reacted to his touch, but he had failed. Miserably. Hadn't he felt that flash of awareness that had passed between them? Experienced that charge of electricity that had filled the air? Of course he had and there was no point trying to deny it either! Coming on top of what had gone on earlier at the pool, it was little wonder that he felt so confused.

He got out of bed and went to the window, resting his forehead against the glass as he went over it all once more. Why should Claire be attracted to him when she had sworn to forgo the pleasures of the flesh? Last night his thoughts had been in such turmoil that it had been impossible to think clearly, but he needed to set aside his own feelings if he was to make sense of it all. It was what he was good at, after all; disregarding emotions and rationalising a problem had always been his forte. With a bit of luck it would work this time too.

Jude wasn't sure how long he stood there, trying to work out the answer to this particular puzzle, but the sun had risen above the horizon when he finally gave up. Maybe Claire had had her reasons but he couldn't explain them. That was certain.

He checked on Bebe, as he had done many times during the night. Although her condition hadn't changed very much, her temperature was slightly lower than it had been, which was encouraging. When Sister Anne came to relieve him, he made his way to the dining room, pausing in the doorway while he took in the scene that greeted him. There appeared to be children everywhere, some seated at tables, others sitting cross-legged on the floor. Every child had a bowl in front of him or her and every single one was tucking in to their breakfast. How the nuns had managed to get them all served was a miracle to his mind, but even the very smallest—little more than babies—were eating.

He spotted Claire at the far side of the room, helping a tiny tot scoop up cereal with a spoon. Jude felt a rush of emotion hit him as he watched her wipe the little one's mouth then drop a kiss on the child's upturned face. There was such tenderness in the gesture, such loving care, that he couldn't help feeling envious.

‘Ah, Dr Slater. Good morning. Do come and join us.'

Jude swung round when Sister Julie materialised beside him. ‘Good morning, Sister,' he replied then cleared his throat when he realised how choked he sounded. Deliberately, he turned so that he could no longer see Claire. Feeling jealous of a child really was beyond the pale!

‘I hope you slept well,' Sister Julie continued as she led him over to where an elderly nun was serving breakfast.

‘Very well, thank you,' Jude replied, deeming it wiser not to admit to his sleepless night, let alone the reason for it. Heat rushed through him and he hurried on. ‘Mealtimes must be very busy times for you.'

‘They are indeed.' Sister Julie treated him to a gentle smile. ‘Food is extremely important to the children. Most of them have gone hungry in their short lives and they attach huge importance to being fed.' She gestured towards the stack of empty bowls. ‘As you can see, nothing is wasted. When you grow up not knowing where your next meal is coming from then you eat every scrap.'

‘I see,' Jude said quietly. Oh, he had seen the appeals on television, even donated to them on many an occasion, but that was very different from witnessing the effects of poverty at first hand. He couldn't help feeling guilty about all the times he had turned up his nose at some perfectly good meal simply because it hadn't tempted his palate.

‘There is no need to berate yourself, Dr Slater. None of us can fully comprehend what it must be like to go without food unless we have experienced it for ourselves.' Sister Julie smiled sympathetically. ‘It hit me hard when I first came here too.'

‘It makes me feel very guilty,' Jude admitted, even though he was surprised that he should open up to such an extent. He never discussed his feelings and yet here he was, admitting that he was ashamed of the way he had taken his good fortune for granted.

‘It does.' Sister Julie looked calmly back at him. ‘I found the best antidote for my guilt was to do something to help.'

She didn't say anything else as she filled a bowl with porridge and handed it to him. Jude took it over to a table and sat down, mulling over what he had heard. Dipping his spoon into the bowl, he tried a little of the cereal. It tasted very gritty and at any other time he would have left it, but he ate every scrap. How could he waste it after hearing about all these children who had gone hungry?

All of a sudden he was filled with a fresh resolve. Maybe he had come to Mwuranda for the sake of his pride but it didn't mean he couldn't help the people of this country. And not just while he was here either: he could help when he returned home by fundraising. He knew a lot of wealthy people and if he could get them to contribute then there was no end to the good they could do...

Was it only because he wanted to improve people's lives?
a small voice suddenly whispered in his ear.
Or was there another reason?

Jude's gaze went to Claire and he sighed. He couldn't put his hand on his heart and swear that his reasons for wanting to help were purely altruistic. The fact that it might improve his standing in Claire's eyes had a lot to do with it, even though he knew how pointless it was. No matter if he raised his status to sainthood level, Claire could never be his.

* * *

The ambulance arrived shortly before seven a.m. Claire helped to load Bebe on board then climbed in beside her. Jude was having a word with the driver before they set off and she shivered as she listened to him instructing the man to drive carefully and avoid the potholes. Far too many times during the night her sleep had resounded to the sound of that deep voice. It was as though it had imprinted itself in her mind and, try as she may, she couldn't shift it.

‘Right. Let's hope we don't encounter the kind of problems we did when I arrived.'

Jude climbed in and slammed the door. Claire summoned a smile, not wanting him to suspect how on edge she felt. It wasn't just the sound of his voice that had disturbed her sleep but everything else that had happened yesterday—the incident at the pool, that flash of awareness that had passed between them. Heat flowed through her and it took every scrap of control she could muster not to betray how alarmed she felt.

‘Hopefully, we'll have an uneventful journey today,' she murmured.

‘Amen to that,' Jude replied, drolly, then grimaced. ‘Sorry. No disrespect meant.'

Claire nodded, feeling infinitely guilty that he had felt it necessary to apologise. She turned away, checking Bebe's obs to give herself time to collect herself. Even though she felt bad about misleading him, surely it was better than telling him the truth? The fact that she was so vulnerable where Jude was concerned was worrying enough, but the fact that he obviously felt something for her made it even more dangerous. How could she hope to do the sensible thing if she had to contend with his feelings as well as her own?

The thought occupied her for the rest of the journey. It was a relief when the ambulance drew up outside the hospital. Jude and the driver lifted the stretcher out of the back and carried it inside. Claire led the way to a side room which was kept for emergency cases like this. Bebe would need intensive nursing and it would make it easier if she wasn't in a ward with all the usual comings and goings.

Following local tradition, the Mwurandan people were cared for by their relatives while they were in hospital and it could be extremely noisy at times with so many people milling about. Although they had tried to instigate a
‘no more than two people at a bed'
rule, it was rarely observed. Mothers, fathers, wives, husbands, aunts, uncles, cousins—the list was endless. At least Bebe would have some peace and quiet in the side room.

Claire made the child comfortable then went to the office to sign in. Lola grinned at her when she opened the door. ‘Ah, so you made it back safely. I hope you brought Jude with you? I had visions of you leaving him at the convent!'

‘Of course he's come back with me,' Claire said sharply then sighed. ‘Sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you.'

‘No sweat, honey. I should know better than to tease you about such a touchy subject.'

Claire flushed. ‘There's nothing touchy about it.'

‘No? My mistake.'

Lola tactfully let the subject drop but Claire was very aware that she had handled things badly. Just for a moment she found herself wondering if it would be simpler to tell Lola why she was so edgy around Jude before she thought better of it. Her hand shook as she signed her name on the sheet. It was the first time that she had been seriously tempted to tell anyone about her past but she was afraid that she would regret it. The problem was that she had no idea how people would react and she hated to think that they might view her in a different light afterwards.

Her breath caught as an even worse thought occurred to her. How would
Jude
react if he found out that she had been raped? At the moment he thought she was a nun and he probably conformed to most people's view of the women who had chosen that kind of a life. It would come as a massive shock if he discovered that she wasn't the innocent he believed her to be.

Tears welled to her eyes. She couldn't bear to imagine his reaction if he found out he was wrong.

* * *

It was late afternoon before there was any real change in Bebe's condition. Jude checked her chart, relieved to see that there was a definite improvement in her obs. He had to admit that he had been extremely concerned about having to delay the operation to remove her appendix. Although the circumstances were very different, he couldn't help thinking about Maddie and how delaying her surgery had had such disastrous consequences. However, it appeared that the broad-spec antibiotics he had prescribed were doing their job.

‘Definitely an improvement, although it will be at least another day before I can risk operating.' He handed the chart to Claire, automatically batting it down when his pulse gave a familiar leap as their hands touched. He had done his best to avoid her, needing a break from all the soul-searching he had been doing lately. Maybe that was the key, he had decided: steer clear of her. From the moment he had arrived in Mwuranda they had been thrust together, but if he kept out of her way then surely he would get back on track.

In truth, he had never spent so much time with
any
woman before. Dates were usually confined to dinner and possibly a show beforehand. If he and his date ended up in bed then it was always at the woman's home too. It meant he could leave afterwards and not have to spend the night with her. He had never lived with anyone, never been tempted to forfeit his single life...

Up till now.

Jude's heart plummeted. It plunged right down to his boots then surged back up again so fast that he felt light-headed. Love. Marriage. Home. Family. They were mere words to him, words other people used and ones he avoided. He had no interest in exploring any of those options, had no desire to be a husband or a father or anything else that involved commitment. Oh, he had nothing against marriage per se but it wasn't for him. He had seen too many marriages end in disaster to go down that route, starting with his own parents.

A shudder ran through him as he recalled when his parents had split up. Although he had been only seven when they had divorced, he had recognised the hatred in their voices whenever they had spoken to each other. It had been a relief when he was sent away to boarding school, in fact. Unlike the other new boys he hadn't been homesick. He had been glad to be there, well away from those hate-filled voices. Although he had spent holidays with both his mother and his father after the divorce, he had never missed them when it had been time to return to school. School had had rules and regulations—he had felt safe there well away from all the emotional turmoil.

It was only after he had qualified that he had started to feel anything. Helping the people who had come to him had unlocked his emotions; he had found himself empathising with them. It had been Maddie's death that had made him see how stupid he was. Allowing himself to care about other people always ended in heartache—his parents, Maddie, Claire.

Panic ripped through him and he turned away, afraid that Claire would pick up on his mood. ‘We'll continue with the antibiotics,' he said brusquely. ‘We may need to change them but I'll decide that when the cultures come back.'

‘Should we continue with twenty-minute obs?' Claire asked and the very coolness of her tone told him that she had recognised his change of mood even if she didn't understand the reason for it.

‘Of course.' He stared aloofly back at her, opting for a technique he employed whenever he was dealing with a particularly obtuse colleague. Maybe it was unfair to use it now but it was better than letting her know how he really felt, how afraid he was. ‘As I said, Sister, it could be another twenty-four hours before I can risk operating. None of us can afford to be less than vigilant during that time, including you.'

‘Of course.'

Her tone was just as cool but he could tell that his sharp reply had hurt her. Jude felt like the lowest form of life as he left the room. The urge to go back and apologise was overwhelming but he forced himself to carry on, making his way to the office to sign out. He had to be strong. He couldn't allow his emotions to get the better of him. Even if he had been thinking about making a commitment, it wouldn't be to Claire. Her future was mapped out and, oddly enough, it was very similar to his own.