Recipes for Disaster (6 page)

“
Hmmm
. What exactly are we looking at?”

“The sofa fabric,” Dominic says, with all seriousness. “It’s a Pierre Frey velvet. Quite frankly, the texture concerns me.” With a click of the mouse, he magnifies a piece of the furniture. “At first I thought it would do the trick, but now I’m leaning toward this patterned tapestry”—another click shows the same sofa in the same setting, but this time it’s covered in a bird-of-paradise print—“which Abu claims adds needed depth to the room. Emma agrees with him, but Arnie and I are leaning more toward the subtlety of the velvet—”

“Wait—you mean to tell me this is about some old couch you’re recovering?”

“My dear, this just isn’t ‘some old couch.’ It’s a priceless antique! More to the point, it is to be the focal point of the library in my new little cottage.”

“All the more reason to go with something vibrant,” Emma declares. “The goal is to make a statement.”

“But that particular pattern is too busy,” Abu counters. “And you can make the same statement with texture.”

“Not to mention the velvet feels more voluptuous,” Arnie interjects.

Emma rolls her eyes. “Oh? How would you know?”

Arnie’s face turns red. “Well … if you must know, I have a full-body snuggy made from this same material.”

Dominic chuckles. “Oh, I doubt that seriously, old boy. This is one-hundred-and-twenty dollars a yard—”

“Enough of this nonsense!” I slam the computer screen shut. “You’re arguing over nothing, because Dominic’s little hovel has no ‘library.’ It’s only twenty-five hundred square feet.”

He looks down at his Patek Philippe watch. “Not as of eight o’clock this morning. The bulldozers are digging out the new west wing, as we speak.”

“You’re adding a whole wing? That’s insane! Dominic, we can’t put you up forever!”

Since his transfer per diem ran out, he’s been bunking in the bonus room over our garage for over a month now. It wouldn’t be so bad if some of Hilldale’s yummy mommies hadn’t pegged him as the town’s DILF du jour. Jack’s suggestion is that we put in a revolving door. 

I say that the best solution is to kick the bum out, and good riddance.

“Perfection takes time,” Dominic sniffs. “My God, woman, Rome wasn’t built in a day. Chateau Fleming won’t be either."

“Right now, your ‘Chateau Fleming’ looks like the ruins of Pompeii. When will the renovation be completed?”

He furrows his brow. “Not to worry, my dear. I’ve been cracking the whip on my team of master craftsmen. They are working on it, day and night.”

I envision such a whip, but in my fantasy, it is cracked over Dominic’s backside.

 I’m just about to let him know that my next warning will come from a cat-o-nine-tails when Ryan comes bounding into the room. “Glad to see you’re all here, and accounted for, people.” He nods in my direction, just to let me know that my tardiness was duly noted. I take a chair, and burrow down deep.

“We’ve got two new clients: the Democratic National Committee and the Republican National Committee. From now until Election Day, we’ll be working them in tandem.”

Emma raises her hand. “Isn’t that a conflict of interest?”

Ryan shakes his head. “In fact, they approached us together. As you know through recent media coverage, as we enter the last few weeks of the primary season, both the Republican and Democratic primary races are running neck-to-neck horse races, with delegates split between three candidates in each party. While choice is great for the American people, the candidates’ one-ups-manship and political posturing has hit an all-time high. And now one candidate has refused to accept a Secret Service security detail, claiming it’s ‘a waste of taxpayer dollars.' Not to look like sissies or spendthrifts on the nation’s dime, the other candidates have followed suit.”

“So, Acme has been hired to be their private bodyguards?” Jack asks.

Ryan nods. “The NSA has detected a high threat level throughout the primary season, but nowhere higher than right here, in California, where the word ‘assassination’ appears in every cipher. It’s inevitable that several, if not all, of the candidates will be visiting our fair state at least once more prior to the final delegate vote at the conventions, which are just a few weeks away. They’re here not only to press some flesh, but to refill their campaign coffers. Keep in mind, one-eighth of all U.S. citizens live in the state. It’s also one of the three wealthiest in the nation, what with its key industries: high tech, entertainment, and financial management.” 

He hits a button that sends a file to our personal iPads. When I click it open, I find dossiers on the now very-familiar candidates in question. 

“Not only has Acme assigned a specific team to each candidate, as with other of our metro-based assets, we’re sending in your team whenever one of them is on the West Coast,” Ryan continues. “You’ll be acting as a ‘ghost squad,’—that is, working the crowds in plain clothes. Since we don’t know if it’s an inside job, some of you will be working within the candidate’s entourage, while others will be assessing the surrounding area. At all times, you’re to think like the shooter.”

“Will the candidate know about us?”

“Certainly. One of you will always be in the candidate’s inner circle. Only the candidate and one key staffer will know your true function.” He clicks the computer screen, and a familiar face appears. “Our first candidate is Senator Franklin Percy. He’s due tomorrow by private jet, landing at Long Beach.”

“A GOP two-termer hailing from Florida, right?” Jack asks.

Ryan nods. “The very same. The party positions him as a hero during the US invasion of Panama, in '89. Retired Marine Corps Major General. He sits on several Senate committees, including Defense and Finance. As you can imagine, he is a strong hawk.”

“What do we know about him, personally?” I ask.

“He’s been married to the same woman for thirty years—Addie Franks Percy. They’re childless.”

“Any known enemies, or possible threats?” Abu asks.

“The other day, an untraceable note was delivered to his house.” A photo of the letter appears on the screen. The message is a single line, typed:

You will soon face the consequence of your most shameful act. 

“Can’t be anymore cryptic than that,” I point out. “Does he have any idea what this may refer to?”

“He has faced hecklers on all of his campaign stops. They aren’t too happy that he co-wrote the bill that bailed out the banks and mortgage lenders during the home loan crisis. At the same time, now that the rates are rock bottom, he’s given little support for homeowners who wish to negotiate a reduced rate, rather than being tossed out of their homes.”

“They’ve got a point,” Arnie reasons. “Now that the housing bubble has burst and massive layoffs have taken place in all business sectors, selling your home is almost impossible. To top it off, those who can still purchase homes are finding it hard to qualify. It’s a vicious circle.”

Ryan nods. “Some of those who are most vocal against Senator Percy are retired vets who were once homeowners, but who now live in their cars.” He shifts to Jack. “While he’s on our turf, you’ll be part of his entourage at all times. You’re a few years younger, but your military background aligns with his. He can always introduce you as a former aide, when he was assigned to the Pentagon after active duty.”

Jack nods. “What’s his itinerary?”

“His first stop is the port of Long Beach, for a photo op with union dock workers. Next he’ll head over to the West Los Angeles VA Hospital, for a tour. Afterward, he’s speaking at a luncheon at the Sunset Tower, with entertainment media executives. Then he’s speaking to UCLA students on the necessity of an aggressive NSA. He’ll see reporters for an hour before heading to a private dinner in his honor, held by a banker’s trade association.”

“His itinerary will certainly keep us on our toes,” Dominic murmurs.

“To say the least.” Ryan grimaces. “The dossiers have your covers for each event. Emma will be in a van marked as a press vehicle, which will serve as mission central.” He dismisses us with a nod toward the door. “Bring your A game. One of the lives you save will be our next president. If we blow it, Acme won’t be the contractor of choice for POTUS or any of the security agencies."

Jack walks me out to my van. “Hey, got time for a quick bite?” I ask.

He starts to nod, but then frowns. “Wish I could, but Dominic still has to debrief me on his trip to London. Apparently our cousins across the pond are also looking into our new neighbor, Mr. Chiffray.”

“Really? Why so?”

“Remember Sugar CEO Number 3—the Quorum member you so aptly nicknamed Jabba the Hutt?”

“The food fetishist? I’ll never forget him! I’ve had an aversion to mint jelly ever since.” I shiver at the thought of greasing myself up with the stuff, in order to crawl out from under his dead carcass.

Trust me, you had to be there.

“In the twenty-four hours before MI5 could get in there and search the place, Lee purchased Baron McBacon’s townhouse on Kensington Palace Gardens then gutted it.”

“Maybe he did it as a pre-wedding present for Babette.”

“Or maybe he’s looking for something he thought the Lord Lard Ass left behind, that may have incriminated him and the rest of Quorum 2.0. In any regard, it’s something to put in Mr. Chiffray’s much-too-thin dossier.”

“As it turns out, I had a Chiffray sighting of my own.”

His right brow arches in anticipation. 

“Like Trisha, Janie is enrolled in Hilldale Elementary School. And like all good daddies, Lee was there for the first day of school.”

“Hey, I would have been there, too, but I had my own carpool duties.”

“Yes, so I heard—after the fact.” I shrug. “That’s okay, I get it. Only one of us gets to be the ‘cool parent.’”

“‘Cool’ is outdated. I’m considered ‘wicked.’” He smiles as if to say,
Don’t we both know it
. “Other than exchanging longing glances, were you able to get anything out of him?”

“No, but the school did—a half-million dollar donation, as a matching grant.” I hop into my car. “An amount that means nothing to someone who can gut a London estate without batting an eye. Can’t you just admit that you’re wrong about him?”

“Tell you what. If I haven’t proven I’m right before Dominic moves into his new abode, I’ll acquiesce to your woman’s intuition.”

“Thanks—for nothing. We both know 
that’s
 going to be a long haul.”

“Think you can twist Aunt Phyllis’ arm to stay a couple of days with the kids while we babysit the senator?”

“I’ll call her the minute Penelope releases me and the other PTA moms from whatever fresh hell she has planned for us.” I start my engine. “Oh, and by the way, I’m picking up Mary from school. Jeff is staying after school for basketball practice, but you can grab Trisha at two-thirty. If you’re lucky, maybe you’ll run into your mystery man. He’s acting so generous perhaps he’ll just answer all your questions.”

Jack’s smile fades. “If it were you asking, I’m sure he would.”

I can’t tell him that I think he’s right. Instead, I hit the road.

Chapter 4

Spin

A politician's attempt to shape the way the public looks at an issue or event, either through the media or in person, is called “spin” because it is quite similar to how a tennis player directs his balls at his opponents. 

Only in this case, the only balls are actually on the politician, and are usually bigger, due to his audacity. 

Political advisers who spin for their candidates are known as "spin doctors."  

Speaking of spin, the best way to manage the moisture of pizza dough is to toss it. No joke! And not only does spinning the dough help create that round shape, the airflow over the dough's surface dries it out just enough to make it less sticky and easier to handle. In fact, the right amount of airflow makes for a perfectly crispy crust! 

How to Toss the Dough

1: As long as your dough is made with yeast, you can use either homemade or store-bought dough. The dough should be room temperature, shaped into a ball, and dusted with flour.

2: Prep your work area with flour. Also, keep a bowl of flour nearby.

3: Press out the dough with your hands to form a disc about 10 inches across and a half-inch thick. Yes, you can use a rolling pin.

4: Pick up the dough and drape it over your hands. One hand should be palm up, the other in a fist.

5: With the palm-up hand, lift and spin the dough into the air. It just needs to be high enough to get a rotation going. 

6: Catch the dough on the backs of your fists, which are flatter. Your fingers should always be closed! 

7: Repeat until the dough stretches to the desired size, usually around 12 inches. 

“Ladies! LADIES! 
At-TEN-zion-ay
!” 

It doesn’t surprise me at all that Penelope pronounces this last word as if she were Benito Mussolini. Truth be told, she shares many traits with Italy’s former dictator. Elegantly-tailored suits. Love of opera. The ability to strike terror in those she rules over. Were someone to gift Penelope with the nickname, La Douche (English, therefore no accent needed) the reference would be well-taken.