Reclaim: A Recovered Innocence Novel (8 page)

“Spank-by-the-minute. You know, those sites where you watch someone get themself off while you get yourself off.”

Her lips part on a soft
oh
and I imagine all sorts of things involving her mouth. “How do you know this?”

“I did some webcam work for Leah Unlimited. They wanted cameras the customer could control with simple keystrokes—zooming, switching camera angles, and so on. They gave me a list of other websites to, ah, visit to get an idea of what the competition was doing so they could do something different.”

“And one of the other websites you
had
to visit was Two 2 Tango?”

“Yes.”

“For
research.
” She makes air quotes on the word.

I can’t help the smile that creases my cheeks. “They paid me a lot of money to do it too. I still do some contract work for them from time to time.”

“So you have to check their site to make sure it’s working properly.”

“Are you asking me to show you the website?”

“I just can’t imagine John Martin doing…that.”

“There’s nothing wrong with it. It’s perfectly safe. The safest sex available.”

I pull my gaze from hers and use my backdoor access code to enter the site. The screen fills with smaller screens or rooms of men and women in various stages of arousal. We’re immediately surrounded by the sound of their panting, moans, and dirty talk. Lila’s gaze is glued to the screen, her eyes wide.

“Which room do you want to enter?” I ask, my attention fully on
her.

“Is there a…” She licks her lips. “Is there a way to see which room Martin entered?”

“No. They don’t give me access to their billing department. But if I had to guess…” I choose a box at random because they’re all pretty much the same and click on it.

The screen is suddenly full of a young blond woman dressed like a schoolgirl. Her skirt is hiked up around her waist and her blouse gaps open. She’s not wearing any underwear. I watch Lila as she watches the girl thrust a huge black dildo in and out of herself while twisting her nipple and crying out. The camera zooms in on her face, then out to focus on the way her breasts jiggle.

“Are you doing that?” Lila asks, her voice wispy and soft.

“Controlling the cameras?”

“Yeah.”

“No. The customer paying to watch her is.”

“Do you…Is this…the kind of thing
you
like?”

“I’m not into voyeurism, no.”

I lean a little closer, drawn to her by the charged air around us. The schoolgirl’s moans get louder and louder until she climaxes. Lila licks her lips again, her eyes wide on the image before her. In that moment I’m overcome with the desire to find out what Lila sounds like when
she
comes and what I could do to her to make her scream my name the way the girl on the screen is crying out for some guy named Josh.

“I’d rather have the real thing,” I whisper hoarsely. “To touch and
taste.
Right in front of me.”

The girl on the screen writhes and moans, pinching her nipple and plunging the huge phallus in and out of her. I can’t look away. I’ve never seen anything like it. I had no idea such a thing even existed. Nolan watches me watch the girl. He doesn’t touch me or say anything, he just observes. Having him beside me as the girl nears orgasm does something to me. My nipples are hard, pressing against the cups of my bra. I want to take my breasts in my hands and do what the girl is doing, pinching and tugging her nipples.

I rock my hips forward, pressing my clit against the seat of the chair, trying to get some relief. It’s not so much what’s happening in front of me; it’s what’s happening between Nolan and me. Maybe it’s the wine. Maybe it’s my limited experience. Or maybe it really is the girl rolling around on her bed. I don’t know. All I know is that I want Nolan to touch me. The longer he doesn’t the more I want him to.

Can he feel electricity bowing and arcing between us? Is it affecting him the way it’s affecting me? Is it the girl or is it me or a combination?

“Do you…” I stammer. “Is this…the kind of thing
you
like?”

“I’m not into voyeurism, no.”

The girl’s back arches and she screams out for some guy named Josh. I’m wet between my legs. I press harder into the chair seat, sure I’ll leave a wet spot behind, but I don’t care. I feel like that girl on the screen, needing something, but it doesn’t come.

“I’d rather have the
real
thing.” He’s suddenly closer, his voice a rasp that rubs between my legs. “To touch and
taste
. Right in front of me.”

I bite my lip to keep from moaning.

“Lila.” My name is a whispered caress against my ear. “Do
you
like watching?”

I open my mouth to deny it, but all that comes out is a gasp. The girl on the screen pulls the dildo out of her and licks it. The sound she makes is less convincing than any of the others she’s made. She doesn’t enjoy this part of the fantasy.

“Turn it off.”

He does as I ask, bringing the bank statement back up on the screen. I’m on edge. I want—no, need—him to touch me, and yet I don’t think I could handle it if he did.

“I shouldn’t have showed you that,” he says. “I’m sorry.”

I turn to look at him. His eyes are a metallic brown like brass or copper. Mesmerizing. He’s looking at me with a mixture of concern and desire, as though he’s not sure which he should be feeling.

I tilt toward him without really thinking about it. “I
asked
you to show me.”

“I know you did, but…Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” I want that to be true, but it’s not. It’s
so
not.

He brushes the back of his knuckles across my cheek. His gaze is everywhere on my face, bouncing between my eyes and lips and where he’s caressing me. I want him to kiss me. I can tell he wants the same thing, but something’s holding him back. Is it something I’m doing or not doing?

“You’re really beautiful.” His whispered compliment seems to have surprised him somehow. He drops his hand and sits back in his chair.

“Thank you.”

He clears his throat. “It’s late and it’s been a long day.”

“I…Yeah. Jeez. Wow. I didn’t realize it was so late.” I have no idea what time it is, but it’s clear he wants me to leave.

I grab my phone and start to stand. My legs are a little wobbly from the wine and the emotional overload of the day, making me tip to one side. I grab his shoulder to stabilize myself. It’s strong and steady under my hand.

He catches me by the arm. “Are you okay to drive?”

“I’m just tired.” I move away, out of his hold.

“Are you sure? Maybe you should stay…” His offer isn’t very convincing.

“I really should go.”

“What time do you want to meet up tomorrow and where?”

“Tomorrow?”

“To go over the rest of the stuff we found at Martin’s.” He tilts his head, concern on his face and in his voice. “Are you sure you’re all right?”

Something inside me snaps. The edge I’ve been walking all day lists to one side and I feel myself falling into uncharted territory and I realize I’m about to do something I’ve never done. Oddly I’m not scared. I’m not nervous. I’m determined.

“You know what?” I say, taking a step toward him. “No. I’m not okay.”

“What’s—”

I grab him by the front of the shirt and the back of his head and press my lips to his. His body jolts in a stunned jerk, then his arms wrap around me, dragging me tight against him. He angles his head, taking the kiss deeper. For a split second I’m too shocked to react, and then I fist his hair tighter. He makes a low noise in the back of his throat and rocks his pelvis against me. He’s hard and hungry as though he’s been waiting forever to get me in just this position. His arousal sends mine into overdrive.

His hand is in my hair, his other arm wrapped tight around my waist, holding me to him from mouth to thighs. He tugs on my hair, tipping my head back, and goes for my neck with bites and licks that make me moan and grind against him. I’ve never wanted anyone the way I want him right now. Reaching between us, I get my first feel of him. The sound he makes in my ear slices me with shards of desire from where his mouth is to where I’m wet and throbbing with need.

He palms my breast. There’s nothing hesitant about his touch as he circles my nipple with his thumb over my sweater. It’s not enough. I want his hands on my skin and mine on his. I push back so that his hold on me loosens and drag my sweater over my head. I get a split second to see the look on his face before I dive for him again. He comes at me like he’s starved, his hands everywhere. I get my hands under his shirt. He’s all lean muscle and hot, hard flesh.

He yanks his shirt off and tosses it. Something crashes on the other side of the room, but he doesn’t seem to notice. He stares at me. His gaze is a match strike to my already out-of-control emotions. Hooking my arm around his neck, I reach for him, pulling him down to me. His kisses turn dirty. Each one is a lick to my clit, which is pulsing to the hard hammer of my heart. I want it like this. Hard. Fast. Nasty.

My bra is gone in a second, replaced by his hands. I twist against him. It takes me a moment—because he constantly distracts me—to get his pants open. His breath puffs hot on my neck as I stroke him. He makes an incoherent, strangled sound. I like it and the effect I have on him. He shoves his hand in my pants, finally touching me where I most want to be touched. His fingers slide through my slickness. My grip on him loosens. I push against his hand, practically riding it.

His mouth is hot and urgent on mine as he backs me out of the room. We hit the hallway wall and he turns us. Walking backward, he pulls me into another room. I get a vague sense of the space when he tears his mouth from mine and lifts me, spinning us so that I land on a bed. He comes down on top of me. Kissing his way down, he latches onto my breast. I clutch his head. My hips buck against the hard ridge pressing between my legs.

He’s a madman, shoving at my pants as his mouth wrecks me. I twist under him. I want him inside me.
Now.

“Yes,” he rasps, tugging harder on my pants.

Oh, God, did I say that out loud?

“They’re stuck,” he mumbles against my breast.

It takes me a moment to realize he means my pants. My tight pants. Damn it. I lift my leg up to get at the hem and pull on it. The angle change throws him off to one side of me. I struggle to jerk my jeans over my foot, but my arms aren’t long enough. He suddenly realizes my battle because he leverages off me and grabs my calf. His eyes never leave mine as he strips off my jeans. Then he’s on me again. Slower this time, but somehow just as fevered. I wrap my legs around him.

He feels so good. So damn good. I don’t know what I could’ve been thinking, considering starting things up with Kurt again. It was never like this with him. Or anyone else. Sex hasn’t exactly been easy for me. Not that I have hang-ups. I’ve worked hard to get to where I can enjoy sex. It’s just that I think too much and those thoughts get in the way of me having an orgasm sometimes. Why can’t I just lose myself in the sensations and stay engaged? Why can’t I be like the uninhibited woman on the website? What’s
wrong
with me?

Those thoughts have a cooling effect. Where I was thrashing under him a moment ago I’m now still and barely responsive.

Nolan notices and leans on one elbow to look down at me. “Hey.” He brushes the hair back from my face. “Where’d you go?”

I open my mouth to answer, but everything I could or would say feels wrong. This isn’t the time to have this talk. I don’t
want
to have this talk. I want to go back to the place in my head where I was nothing but sensation and need. Pushing all of those thoughts aside, I bring him down for a kiss, trying to get back to where we were before. I give it my best effort, but it’s not the same. It’s forced and fake.

He stays with me for a second, then breaks it off. “What’s wrong? Is it something I did?”

“No. God. No. It’s…Will you just keep kissing me?” I put his hand on my bare breast. “And do some of this and that down there.” I motion toward my crotch. “I’ll catch up.”

“I don’t want you to
catch up.
I want you with me.”

I let out a frustrated breath and look away, blinking back tears. I hate when I get like this. “I will be. Just keep going.”

He moves his hand from my breast to my cheek. “Was it too much too fast?”

“It wasn’t fast enough.”

“I don’t know what that means.”

“It means that I don’t want to think. I just want to feel. Touch me. Come on.”

“You have no idea how much I want to do that, but it feels like I’m forcing myself on you and that’s something I’d never do.”

Turning my head to the side, I put my hand over my eyes. Why do I have to complicate things all the time? Why can’t I be
normal
?

“Would it help if we watched that website again?”

His question startles me. I pull my hand off my eyes and look at him.
Would
it help?

“I don’t know,” I answer honestly.

“You want to try or do you want to forget it for tonight?”

Pushing him back, I sit up. “I think we should probably just forget it.”

“Okay.” He’s trying to hide his disappointment, which makes me feel worse.

“Maybe we should try the website.”

His laugh is short and filled with a combination of disbelief that this is even happening and, surprisingly, some real humor. “I really don’t want you to have to try that hard to get it up for me. If it’s not happening, it’s not happening.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s just a timing thing. It’s been a long day. You’re tired.”

“You’re sweet to think up those excuses.”

I look down at myself. I’m naked except for my underwear, which are not exactly sexy. It wasn’t like I planned to have sex when I put them on this morning. Suddenly I feel overexposed and vulnerable. I cross my arms over my chest. Nolan sits up next to me and puts his arm around me. He still has his unzipped pants on. I can see the outline of his hard-on through his boxers. It’s a nice hard-on. I would’ve liked to have done more than just touch it.

“I’m not that sweet. A part of me is kicking myself for not doing what you told me to do. I could be inside you
right now.
”

My nipples harden beneath my palms and my clit throbs at his words. I concentrate hard on resisting the urge to press a hand between my legs. “
God.
Don’t talk like that.”

“Sorry.” He sounds contrite, pulling his arm from around me. “Let me get the rest of your clothes.”

He gets up and leaves before I could tell him that what he said didn’t disgust me. It got me hot. But now I’m too embarrassed to correct him. God. What’s wrong with me? Watching that girl get off and Nolan’s dirty talk does it for me, but I don’t know how to tell him that. He comes back with my sweater and bra in one hand and his shirt in the other. I get the full view of his bare torso and it’s…
damn.
This guy works out. I’m glad to have my sweater to cover the rolls on my stomach and my thick thighs. I’m not exactly skinny or even trim. I don’t work out.

“I’ll be in the other room,” he says and leaves again without the explanation I feel like I owe him.

I’m pretty sure I’m the first girl to get cold feet right in the middle of things with him. Now everything is going to be awkward between us. I clasp my bra and adjust my breasts in the cups. They’re too big for how short I am, making me look like I don’t have a waist. Not like that girl on the website. I hop off the bed and finish dressing in record time. I need to get out of here. The longer I stay the more my embarrassment skyrockets. I’m so humiliated. I don’t know how I’m going to face him or how we can work together after what just happened.

I give the rumpled bedspread a regretful glance. I bet it would’ve been really good with him. I was totally into it until right before I let the thoughts creep in. He’s waiting out there for me. What do I say to him?
Sorry I got you all hot and bothered, then got weird on you?
Ugh! I frustrate myself. I can only imagine how he feels.

Taking a deep breath, I head down the hall. Nolan is standing behind the kitchen bar wiping down the counter. I spy my purse on the coffee table and grab it on my way to the door. I’m outside and halfway down the walk when he catches up to me.

“Hey. Are you all right?”

“
God,
I really wish you’d stop asking me that.”

“Let me at least walk you to your car.”

“I’m fine. I’ve got it.”

“But you don’t have your keys.” He dangles them in front of me.

I grab them. “Thanks. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Lila.”

I stop at the tone in his voice.

He positions himself in front of me. “Don’t make it weird, okay?”

“Too late.”

“It’s not too late. Come here.” He holds his arms open to me.

I want to dive into them and have him tell me everything’s okay. But it’s not. My cheeks burn with humiliation and I can’t look him in the eye. He puts his arms around me and rubs my back. I stay stiff, my arms wrapped around me.