Reclaim My Heart (35 page)

CHAPTER TWENTY

T
all trees, lush with
green summer foliage, shaded the trail and cooled the air. Loose gravel littered the hard-packed dirt path and made walking a little treacherous. A stone became lodged between the sole of her sandal and the bottom of her foot. She skipped a step and then wobbled on one foot while she worked it loose.

“I’m sorry.” Lucas offered some balance with a firm hand on her elbow. “I should have suggested you wear sturdier shoes.”

“It’s fine,” she assured him. The breathlessness in her voice had her directing her gaze at the ground where the reddish earth of the trail collided with thick, mossy underbrush. She’d had an inkling where they were headed, and excitement skittered along her nerves like static electricity as she wondered if
he
remembered the significance of these woods, this place. She suspected he did because he’d been acting peculiar since returning from Jasper’s earlier this morning.

Conversation had been animated over the breakfast she’d made of Creole omelets and warm apple-citrus compote. He’d thanked her, over and over, complimented her cooking several times too, and engaged Zach almost non-stop throughout the meal. She’d sensed that Lucas’s spirited mood was covering some sort of anxiety, and that had left her quite curious.

Her interest had only increased when he’d waited until Zach had left to visit friends to invite her to go for a drive. Clearly, he wanted to be alone with her.

He’d driven through Oak Mills and then he’d turned south along the river. Easy conversation filled the twenty minute trip. They’d talked about Zach and the radical change he’d made during his stay at Wikweko. They’d discussed what to expect when Zach faced the judge in just ten short days. He’d told her about his visit with Jasper, and about his uncle’s exciting new commission. He’d also explained his realization of how his overwhelming need to succeed in his career had compelled him to downplay his ethnicity and that hmy orciting ne now knew that, in doing so, he had betrayed his Lenape heritage. When he’d told her he’d decided to change that, his spine had been straight, his shoulders square.

When he’d steered the car onto the grounds of the state park, a shiver raced across Tyne’s skin. She hadn’t been here for…‌oh, Lord, so many years it was scary.

“Do you remember this place?” he asked her just as they broke through the trees.

She smiled, hugging herself. “Are you kidding me?” The high bluff offered a magnificent view of the Susquehanna. Good thing she wasn’t afraid of heights. “I could never forget.”

With a gentle hand at the small of her back, he guided her toward a nearby boulder, the same large chunk of granite they had perched on when he’d asked her to go steady with him back in high school. Although she had tried everything—painting the ring with clear nail polish, gluing felt to its inside surface—she hadn’t been able to wear the plain metal band he’d given her that day. She’d been crushed, but she’d blithely shrugged it off in an effort to alleviate his embarrassment.

“I still have it.” She looked up at him standing there. “The ring you gave me, I mean. It’s in my jewelry box.”

“Don’t know why,” he groused. “Damn thing turned your finger three shades of green. Made you look like your skin was rotten.”

But she could tell he was pleased that she had kept the token of their affection.

“I brought you here—” he settled himself next to her “—so we could be alone. I want to talk to you. About some…‌things. Several things, really. And first, I, um, I’d like to talk about Zach.”

“We talked about Zach in the car.”

He nodded and looked away. “Yeah. Yeah, we did.”

“Lucas, you’re making me nervous. What’s this all about?”

A tiny frown drew his brows together, darkened his gaze. “I don’t know how you’re going to feel about this. But, well, I might as well go ahead and say it.” He inhaled deeply. “I’d like for Zach to use my name. He’s my son, which makes him a Silver Hawk. I’d like him to be able to call himself that.”

Tyne’s eyebrows arched, Lucas’s request utterly blindsiding her.

“Zach’s found a connection in Wikweko,” Lucas hurried to say. “I think having a name to go along with that connection is important. He’s Indian. He’s Lenape. He should have a Lenape name. He should have
my
name.”

A stab of annoyance shot through her. “Zach is my son too, Lucas. He’s half white, remember.”

He immediately looked contrite. “I know, Tyne. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…‌I’m really sorry.”

Pressing the heels of her hands on either side of her, she scooted to make some space between them.

“Tyne, don’t do that. Don’t move away from me.” He took her hand, flattened it between both of his. “Don’t be angry. I was only thinking of Zach. He’s made great strides. He seems to have found his place here. He’s made a bond. He’s made friends who understand him. Who appreciate how he feels and what he’s experienced.”

She couldn’t deny that everything he said was true. Her son seemed happier, more content, more at ease, here than he ever had in Philadelphia. He and Jasper had developed a wonderful relationship. This place, these people, seemed to bring out the best in him.

“Of course,” he told her, “I understand that we can’t make definitive decisions when we’ve been here less than three weeks. But you’ve said yourself that Zach has truly changed.”

The river below rolled by at a lazy pace. She sighed, and then turned to look at Lucas. “Your son would be absolutely thrilled to use your name. You know ite. d. as well as I do.” For some ungodly reason, tears blurred her vision. “That child—” She stopped suddenly, repressing a wave of solid emotion. “He’s not a child. I know that. But I can’t help thinking of him that way.” She swiped at the tear that slid from the corner of her eye. “He’s been looking for a father all his life. I was able give him a lot of things. But I couldn’t give him what he wanted, what he needed, most.”

Lucas squeezed her fingers. “Tyne, you have to stop this. You gave our son everything you had to give. There’s no reason for you to feel guilty.”

Another tear slipped down her cheek as past regrets tore at her heart. “I kept the two of you apart. I didn’t tell you about him, Lucas. Our child is fifteen years old, and—

“I knew, Tyne.”

Surely she hadn’t heard him correctly. But the categorical quality of his tone made it almost too clear. Her fingertips felt chilled when she pulled them from his grasp. “What do you mean, you knew?” She searched his face, not really expecting an answer to the unnecessary question. But when he didn’t respond, she pressed, “You
knew
I had Zach?”

“I knew you were pregnant.”

He reached for her, but she drew away.

“Tyne, I was told you were pregnant, but I was also told you were getting rid of the baby.”

“Who told you that? No one else knew. No one who would dare tell, anyway. When were you told? Before I left Oak Mills?”

He scrubbed at his forehead, raked his fingers through his hair. “Let me explain.” His exhalation was rough. “There’s a hell of a lot to explain.”

“I’m listening.”

He looked out over the bluff. “I’m not sure where to begin.” Then he turned to face her. “When you stopped talking to me, stopped taking my calls, I went nuts. We hadn’t fought. You seemed a little distracted that last weekend we were together, but I thought everything was fine. I got annoyed when I didn’t hear from you and it seemed you were avoiding my calls. I imagined you out partying with your college friends, and I decided to leave it alone. Give you some time. But after a couple of weeks I couldn’t stand it and called you again. Your roommate told me you’d moved out of the dorm. That she hadn’t seen you. She didn’t know if you’d moved off campus or what. I tried to ask her more questions, but she blew me off. I didn’t know what had happened, but I knew something was wrong.”

He was looking at her, but she had the distinct feeling he wasn’t seeing her.

“I called your house and got nothing but the runaround from your mother. At first, she claimed you weren’t home. On the third call, she admitted you were home, but that you couldn’t talk. Then after half a dozen calls, she started saying you refused to talk to me.” He lifted one hand, palm up. “Tyne, I didn’t know what was going on. All I knew was that I had to see you. I went to your house and had words with your mother. She said you didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. That I should go away. And stay away. That I should stop trying to see you. I got so angry. I brushed past her. Started searching the house. Calling your name. I was…” He shook his head, exhaled in frustration. “Desperate. And scared.”

Of course, Tyne hadn’t been aware that he’d called, or that he’d come to the house. She’d suspected he would. Would have been stupid to think he wouldn’t. They’d been serious for three years. But she figured that one firm lecture from her father would have Lucas running. She’d also been certain that once Lucas had learned she’d dropped out of college, that she’d left town, he’d leave things alone.

“Your mother picked up the phone. Threatened to call the police.” The hand resting on his thigh tensed into a fist. “Stillfis’d le, I refused to leave until I had a chance to talk to you. That’s when she finally admitted that you’d left Oak Mills. She wouldn’t tell me where you’d gone, but she did say that you wouldn’t be back any time soon. Then she told me you’d made some decisions. That you’d come to your senses. That you wanted nothing more to do with an Indian. That I should forget about you and get on with my life. She said that’s what you wanted me to do.”

Tyne slid her palms over her upper arms and squeezed tight. She’d never imagined her mother would be out and out cruel. But that had probably been the only way to make Lucas resign himself to the fact that their relationship was over. Tyne couldn’t blame her mother entirely, not when she’d done exactly what Tyne had wanted. Oh, she hadn’t meant to hurt Lucas. But she had thought it best for him to forget about her and to act as if they’d never been together.

“So I went away,” Lucas said. “But it wasn’t over. I went to see your father. At least half a dozen times, maybe more. He visited Jasper to see if he could get me to stop hounding him. Then your father called me to his office. I thought I was finally going to get some answers.” He slid his hand down his thigh and cupped his knee.

“That’s when he told me. That you were pregnant.”

Tyne sucked in a sharp breath.

“I guess he knew I wouldn’t stop, wouldn’t let up,” he said, “until I knew the truth. He said you’d decided to give the baby up for adoption. That you’d already met the parents. That this is what you decided to do, what you wanted to do, and if I caused any problems, I would only be hurting you.”

Strain pulled at Lucas’s face. Never would she have guessed that her father would tell Lucas about the baby, about the adoption. Her father had fought her so hard, had pushed her and prodded her to have an abortion. On the day she’d left the house, he’d been so furious that he hadn’t spoken to her.

“That alone would have been enough,” he told her, “to get me to stop asking questions. To leave you alone. If that’s what you wanted, I wouldn’t have gone against your wishes. I’d have walked out and never looked back. I think I would have, anyway. Who the hell knows what I would have done?” He tilted his head, scanned the expanse of the Susquehanna, then looked back at her. “Then your father sweetened the pot. Told me if I stopped trying to contact you, if I left all of you alone, he’d see that my tuition was paid. Four years at Temple.” Again, he gazed out toward the horizon. “A college degree sitting there on that desk in a fat, manila envelope.”

Even though sunshine dappled through the leaves overhead, Tyne felt chilled to the bone as she listened to Lucas talk.

“So you gave up your son for the price of tuition.”

She couldn’t have punished him more had she slapped him hard across the face.

“But…‌Tyne…‌you have to understand…‌I was told…” His voice drifted, whatever words he’d wanted to say evidently lost in stormy agitation.

The sigh she heaved came up from the depths of her soul. “I’m sorry, Lucas. I had no right to say that. Everything you were told was the truth. I’ve already shared my nightmare with you. I nearly aborted our son. I nearly gave him away. I have no right to condemn the decisions you made back then. No right whatsoever.”

Neither of them spoke for several minutes. Birds chirped in the treetops, a chipmunk scrabbled across the path behind them.

“I was surprised,” Lucas said, “when I realized you thought I didn’t know. And then I had a devil of a time trying to tell you. What I did, the decision I made—picking up that money and walking out of that office—makes me look like such a…‌callous shit.”

She uncrosse">Sd to Lucasd her arms, stretched out her hand and touched him on the forearm. “Don’t say that. You look no worse than I do for the awful things I considered.”

“Yes, with ‘considered’ being the operative word. You ended up doing the right thing. And that’s what matters most.”

“What is this?” she asked, a grin quirking one corner of her mouth. “A competition?”

He only looked at her, not a hint of humor on his face. “Why didn’t you tell me, Tyne?”

It had been the most difficult decision of her life. “The last time I saw you, you were so excited. You said you’d finally saved enough money for your first year of college. You’d have to live at home, you’d said, you’d have to commute, and you’d have to continue to work, but you were so happy. I didn’t actually know I was pregnant then. My period was late and I was worried, but I didn’t want to spoil our weekend. I loved you so much, Lucas.” She shifted on the rock. “After I was sure…‌I was absolutely sick. I was going to ruin everything for you. I felt I would be a burden. Just at a time when you seemed to be getting yourself on track.”

After a moment she groaned, swiping her hair back over her shoulder. “Lucas, what did we do? Could we have twisted our lives into a more tangled knot?”

His silence drew her attention, and she swiveled her head to look at him.

“I think,” he murmured, “the question should be, can we untangle it?”