Redeem Me (24 page)

I
’m still a coward. When Butch “mentioned” Jason was coming to town for the weekend, I immediately decided to head out. I braced myself for Noble’s reaction. But instead of forcing me to face Jason, to face what we lost, Noble accompanied me to New York. It’s a significant compromise, or maybe a sad acceptance.

The weekend away was nice, but I miss BJ. I want to drive right there and pick him up, but first I have to check with Butch. Again, I’m a coward. Noble drops me off and I linger in the Jeep, delaying my departure from him, enjoying his kisses for the hundredth time in three days. I felt bad for Julia—we weren’t much in the mood to go out or see other people. We spent almost the entire weekend in my bed.

“What are you up to now?” I ask.

“I have to go back to work. I have about a week’s worth of plowing to do.”

“Will I see you tonight?” I ask, hopeful.

“If you do, it’ll be late. The tractor has headlights.”

“Headlights, huh?” I tease him.

“Apparently I didn’t have time to go away this weekend.”

“Why did you? You never come with me to New York.”

Noble stares out the Jeep’s windshield for too long. “Something about this weekend…I just had to be with you.”

My mind quickly recalls the intense sex we’ve been having since last Friday in the barn. It reminds me of Jason and I immediately push that from my mind. I look down, ensuring Noble can’t read my thoughts.

“I felt that.” I kiss him on the cheek. “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay? I’ll make you dinner.”

“Perfect,” he says, and looks at me full of love.

No messages on the machine. Why do I even have a house phone? It’s so 1990. It’s because my parents would still have one. It seems like one last link to their presence in this world: It still has their phone number. I pick up the phone and call Butch, ready to hang up if Jason answers. So juvenile.

“Yeah,” Butch answers, as sweet as ever.

“Hey. Did your company leave?”

“Stormed out of here Saturday. I don’t know what the hell happened. I thought you had something to do with it.”

“Me? You know I stay out of the drama. Have you eaten yet?” I ask as I look through my own refrigerator.

“No, it’s only four o’clock.” Butch leaves off the “you damn idiot” but I can hear it in his voice.

“I’ll come over and make us lasagna.” I find all the ingredients for a salad in my fridge and take out some Italian bread from the freezer.

“Good. You can take this damn annoying dog home, too.”

I hang up without saying good-bye. If his voice wasn’t close to Jason’s, I wouldn’t even let him speak. Such an absolute crab.

BJ is happy to see me. It’s worth making Butch dinner. “How dare he call you annoying?” I say as I get down on my knees and let BJ put his paws on my shoulders to hug and kiss me. He’s the sweetest dog. “Where is the old cuss?”

“Butch, you in here?” I yell as I stick my head into the family room. It’s empty and the TV is off, a clear indication Butch isn’t in the house.

I empty my grocery bags and get to work. I wash the peppers and tomatoes first and begin chopping them on a cutting board straddling the sink. This weekend has put me in an excellent mood; not even Butch will be able to drown it out. I sing, adding air drums as I swing my knife around. I stop when I hear the screen door. No need to hear Butch’s thoughts on my singing.

“I hope you’re hungry.”

“Starving.”

An immediate chill goes through me from head to toe. It’s an ice-blue electrical current with waves reaching every corner of my body and settling in my breasts. I struggle to remain standing, to breathe.

I can’t.

I try to connect Jason’s voice to its rightful owner—and then he’s upon me. So close behind me that a glimmer of light couldn’t squeeze between us. He wraps one arm around me and places it on the counter in front of me. With the other he moves my hair to the side and kisses my neck right behind my ear. He brushes my neck with his lips and whispers, “Finally, Annie.”

The chill is burning the tops of my thighs as it rises up the rest of my body. I’m sinking and can’t save myself. I can’t open my eyes. I can’t hear anything. I again buckle under his breath on my neck.

I am completely his.

In this moment I don’t care. I don’t care that he was with another, that he’s a father and it’s not my baby, that he broke me into a million pieces.

I drop the knife and he laughs. “Probably a good idea to put down the knife.” His laugh is big, but whispered against my neck.

I just need a minute to pull myself together, but every inch of the back of me is touching him and I can barely stand. I open my eyes and through the window I see Noble’s tractor parked by his house.

My mouth is dry and my voice is weak. “We need to talk.”

“Oh, I’m not leaving until we talk.” He leans into me, his weight crushing me against the counter. “I’m not leaving without you.” He kisses my neck again and I start to sweat. “You can bring the dog.”

Jason takes a step back and I turn my head and see BJ staring at us. He’s completely confused.

What, little guy, wondering where Noble is?

I look out the window at the tractor again before I turn around and face Jason. He’s even more beautiful than I give him credit for in my dreams. I inhale deeply and let my eyes feast on him. His stare never leaves me. He’s smiling slightly, but I can tell he doesn’t mean it by the look in his eyes. He’s angry and doesn’t want me to know it. Yet. I walk past him, hugging the wall to avoid touching him, and go through the back door. His footsteps crunching on the gravel echo my own.

I open the door to the barn and silently pray,
Please God
, but I have no idea what I’m praying for. I walk in and past the workbench, hoping to use it as a barricade. Jason moves toward me, a hunter with his prey.

“Stay right where you are,” I command.

He stops and the expression on his face attests to some victory he’s won in his head. “What are you afraid of, Annie?”

“Doing something stupid that I’ll regret for the rest of my life,” I sneer. “Have any experience with that?”

“It’s not going to be for the rest of my life—or yours. We’re going to be together.”

I throw my hand up to halt his tired plea. “We’ll never be together again.” My voice is quiet, filled with the hatred I’ve been carrying around for almost a year.

Jason’s eyes are searing me, and I look away for protection.

“Where’s your necklace?”

“I took it off with my pride when I left Oklahoma,” I lie. I can feel him staring at me, taking everything that’s his.

“I wake up every morning and think of you. I suffer through my miserable days hoping this is going to end, Annie. I’ve spent almost an entire year waiting for you to come back and trying to figure out how to make this right.”

“It’ll never be right. You should move on.” My voice and my body are void of emotion. If I let myself feel anything but the familiar anger, I’ll launch myself into his arms.

“Like you did?”

Jason’s angrily grasping the workbench directly opposite me. “You ran home and started fucking Nick Sinclair. You’re taking the easy way out. You should be fighting for us.”

The taste in my mouth is bitter and I hunt for a weapon. There’s wood piled all around the bench and I hurl a two-by-four at him and scream, “Fuck you, Jason Leer!”

He raises his arms just in time for his left hand to be hit by the board. He shakes it in pain and I smile, having inflicted the blow. He’s bleeding and grabs a towel to wrap around it. He looks at me again, this time his eyes on fire.

“What about this has been the easy way?” I whisper, and regain my strength. “Was having my heart ripped out by you easy? Was moving home to Salem County, where everyone knows exactly how you left me, easy?” My voice grows louder. “Was hearing about the birth of your son easy?” I hurl another board at him, which he dodges.

I will not cry.

“You’ve been spending time with Butch,” he says, and I feel caught in a lie. “Does being with him, in my house, remind you of me?”

“Your father needed help.”

“What about Sinclair? Did he need your help, too?”

I shake my head and lower my eyes. “It’s none of your business.”

“I had you first!” he roars.

“And then you destroyed me!” I scream.

“You have to forgive me.”

“No!” I yell defiantly with a stare that can leave no question of my hatred.

“This thing with Sinclair is never going to last, Annie.” His words are defined but restrained. “He’s never going to make you feel the way I do. He’ll never love you the way I do. It won’t last.”

“Last? Like the way we lasted? The way we were so happy together?” Each word fires sarcastic daggers from my tongue. “You were
so
happy you knocked up Stephanie Harding.” At the mention of her name I begin to crumble. “How could you? I deserve better than this.” My anger reignites as I imagine them lying together in bed. “You were so fucking scared you couldn’t spend one fucking weekend alone? Or was it more than one weekend?”

“Annie, calm down. It was
one
mistake. One horrible mistake.” He puts his hands up, pleading for my restraint. “Maybe you just need to clear your head.” His voice is soothing now. Reminding me of how an orgasm would always clear our heads. He grins. “I can help you with that.”

“It’s already clear,” I answer with a wicked smirk.

“Why are you being such an ass?” he asks, which infuriates me further.

“I’m an ass?
I’m
an ass?” I howl. I find another board and heave it toward his head. He ducks. “I’m an ass because I fucking hate you.” I throw another. “I’m an ass because I ever loved you.” Another. “I’m an ass for letting you ever touch me in the first place.” I throw another and this one hits him square in the shoulder, not moving the ox at all. “I should have been with Noble instead of you.”

“Don’t even try it, Annie. He doesn’t compare and you know it,” Jason calmly replies.

“Actually he compared just fine while we were at Rutgers.”

Jason’s face hardens and I know I’ve landed a direct hit. “I love him.”

“I don’t believe you.” He begins to walk around the workbench, having completely lost his composure.

“I don’t care anymore.” I throw another board at him and pick up the last one.

Jason catches it and throws it toward the wall, yelling, “Stop throwing the fucking boards at me!” at the exact time I launch the last one. The boards meet midair, and just like Jason and me, explosively collide. They splinter and change trajectory, one careening straight for my head.

The pain is intolerable and then there’s nothing.

S
o much for the high road.

I think I actually felt the ground shift as my father rolled over in his grave. Oh yes, he’d be very proud of the decisions that have brought me to this place.

We are a disaster.

“Oh my God, Annie.” Jason’s talking to me, but I can’t sit up. The cold concrete of the barn floor feels too good on my face. There’s a throbbing pain in my head, as if the blood’s gushing out of it, and I can’t see out of my right eye. I hear a choking sob and realize it’s coming from me.

What’s happening?

“Annie, Annie, get up.” Jason puts one arm around my shoulders and lifts me from the comfort of the floor.

Sitting up, I can see him with my left eye.

“Oh my God, Annie. We have to get you to the hospital.” His face is stricken and scaring me in a way I’ve never felt with him before. He’s frightened.

“What happened?” I ask, still dazed, and lift my hand to my face, which is wet. I edge my hand toward my left eye and see it’s covered in blood. “Jason…Jason!” I cry, and he lifts me into his arms. He takes the towel from his hand and rests it on my face.

“Hold this here. It’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay.”

He’s speaking but I don’t believe a word of it. Jason carries me to my car and gently puts me in the passenger seat. He buckles my seat belt and runs inside the house to get my keys. Detached, I stare through the car window at Noble’s back door. It’s as if I’ve never been in the house. Nothing is familiar or safe anymore.

Jason runs out of the house and practically rips the car door off as he gets in and fumbles with getting the key in the ignition. I reach out and touch his hand. “I’m okay.”

Jason looks at me again, terror in his eyes.

“I’m starting to feel better.” I force a painful smile.

He starts the car and tears off toward the lane, kicking dust up as we go.

When we get to Route 40, I feel a little better. The throbbing has slowed to a dull pound and I’m able to form complete thoughts. “I shouldn’t have said what I said.” I grab his hand and hold it on my lap. I thread my fingers through his, and even through the pain in my head I feel the twisting and aching in my lower abdomen. Even in this, the ugliest moment we’ve ever shared, my body craves him. I watch my hand caress his, both covered in blood.

“Which part?”

I look at Jason, unsure of what he’s talking about since I’ve become lost in his touch. “Which part shouldn’t you have said? Do you not love him?”

“I do love him. Of course I love him. He’s the most decent and kind person I’ve ever met, and neither of us deserve to have him in our lives.” I should feel guilty about the way I feel with Jason right now, but I don’t. “He was never anything but a loyal friend to both of us at Rutgers.”

“Yeah, that’s what I call him—loyal friend.”

I rest my head on the headrest and admire Jason. How did we end up here?

“It’s different with him. It’s easy, and safe, and calm, and peaceful.”

Jason stares at me silently for a few minutes.

“You know, even a girl who worships the sun loves a storm once in a while,” he says, and squeezes my hand.

I can’t take my eyes off Jason’s profile as I contemplate his prediction of my future boredom. He’s such a beautiful storm. I begin to cough and the tin taste fills my mouth. I take the towel off my head and spit blood from my mouth into it.

“We’re almost there,” he says, looking like he might throw up. I close my eyes because the sight of fear on Jason’s face is unbearable to witness without holding him.

Jason is waiting at the entrance to the ER with my car as the nurse wheels me through the door. He takes my hand, my arm, and finally picks me up and gently places me in the car. I have twenty-two stitches above my eye and fourteen across my cheek. The bruising is coming and I can tell it’s going to be a rough-looking few weeks.

“That doctor thought I hit you,” he says, and closes my door, stomping to the driver’s side. “I wanted to deck him.” He climbs behind the wheel.

“That definitely would have put his mind at ease about you hitting me,” I say, and laugh at the thought of it.

“Annie, me or anyone else hitting you isn’t something to laugh at. I’ll kill the person who hurts you.”

“No one could hit me hard enough to hurt me more than you did last year.”

I said it.

Jason’s eyes fall to the keys in his hands and I know he finally understands.

“This is nothing compared to last August.”

I start to cry a little, remembering my heartache. Jason starts the car and pulls away from the hospital.

“Annie, please let me fix this. Let me make it up to you. I love you.” He takes my hand in his and steers with his battered one. “I don’t want to have a life without you in it. I can’t just forget what it was like between us. I want it back. I need it back. You have to forgive me.”

“I forgave you a long time ago. I didn’t realize until Florida, but I forgave you,” I say, admitting it to myself for the first time. “Look at me.”

Jason turns from the road and stares at me. “The last two times we’ve been together have been disastrous. It’s not going to get better. Too much has happened.”

Jason starts shaking his head in protest.

“If this were anyone else but you, you’d make sure I never saw the person again.”

Jason looks at me, utter sadness in his eyes.

“Go back to Oklahoma and make a life,” I say, and Jason stares out the windshield, someplace far away. I’m not even sure he’s still listening. “Love Stephanie even if you never marry her, love her as the mother of your son.” I swallow hard at my last words.

“She’ll never be you, Annie. She doesn’t even compare.”

“Then stop comparing.”

“Is that how you get through it?”

He knows it’s exactly how I get through it. Nothing, and no one, will ever compare to him or to what I am when I’m with him. And now that he’s next to me, I know it’s not gone. It was never gone; I just left it with him when I walked out.

I look at the bright blue sky with barely a cloud in it and wonder if the sun will ever shine the same again. The way it used to before my parents died, before I knew what it was like to walk around with my heart having been ripped out of my chest. That’s the way Noble walks. He’s the blue sky and the calm breeze.

“You know what they say: if you can’t get out of it, get into it,” I say with little else to offer.

“Nobody fucking says that.”

“Oh, I think it’s catching on,” I say, and start to laugh. Jason barely smiles. So much time has passed and the only thing I know of the passage of time is that people are lost within it. Nothing will stay with you forever.

“Just be a good father,” I blurt out, finally acknowledging there’s someone else with us. Someone who will always be a part of Jason and Charlotte even though he’ll never belong with me. “If we’re not going to be together, make it count. You’re the only dad he’s ever going to have. Tell him every day how much you love him and how proud you are of him. Don’t wait to make it right. Get it right the first time.”

I try to breathe. Even if I mean every word, it’s choking me. “Butch is incredibly proud of you,” I eek out.

We drive the rest of the way in silence, both coming to terms with our future situation. I take a deep breath but can barely smell Jason under the antiseptic, bandages, and God knows what else they put on me. Jason turns into my driveway, opens the garage door, and pulls right in. He comes around to my side of the car, opens the door, and lifts me out. He kicks the door closed with his Old Gringo boot and walks into the house.

Jason puts me down in the kitchen and I lean into him. I lay the good side of my face on his shoulder and inhale him, soothed by his scent. If only it were one year ago. His arms around me are my foundation and I don’t want him to ever leave. Jason kisses the top of my head and my body responds even to this innocent gesture. I close my eyes and a hundred days we were together run roughshod through my mind: the first time when he drove life back into me, every rest stop between here and Oklahoma, his shower, the counter we’re leaning on, the night my bed broke.

I turn my head and stare into Jason’s eyes. Gray pools of need stare back at me, and I don’t release his stare as I move my lips toward his. I kiss him, just a simple kiss, and I feel my nipples harden. I pull back to drink it in and my breathing quickens. Jason tightens his arms around me and gently kisses me again, his need restrained because of my injury. His tongue in my mouth is euphoric and I wrap my arms around his neck and thread my fingers through his hair as a chill runs down me.

I pull back, looking at Jason for answers, but his eyes are crazed. I swallow hard and he kisses me again. He’s never touched me so gently. His lips bear down on me and his greedy tongue searches for answers. He leans my head to the side and kisses my neck and I welcome the intoxication. He reaches up and pulls my hair to move my head and I squeal in pain.

“Oh my God, Annie. Are you all right?”

I open my mouth but can only manage, “I’m perfect,” and I start to cry.

“No, you were perfect before me. Now you’re broken. I broke you.” Jason’s hands hang at his sides, unwilling to trust himself touching me.

I gently rest my forehead on his chest. “You didn’t break me. You saved me three years ago.”

“What are you going to do now? Will you marry Sinclair?” he softly inquires.

“I don’t know…I don’t want to talk about this,” I murmur, drained by twelve months of hatred mixed with need.

Jason holds my face in his hands, barely touching the right side, and leans down to kiss my left cheek. He tilts my face toward his and his lips gently touch mine. My stomach clenches and my heart aches. I know this kiss will be forever. The last one and I can’t accept it. I focus on the roundness of his lips, the playfulness of his tongue, and the taste of him. It will have to sustain me for a lifetime. I stop thinking and let my body have him, for he’s what it’s longed for the last year.

With one hand on each of his wrists, I pull down his hands and move closer to him. I ignore the pain in my head and force myself toward him, kissing him with the hunger I’ve been unable to satisfy for twelve months. I won’t waste this last moment on pain; enough time has been wasted on it already. My heart races and my groin throbs with anticipation. His hard-on gropes my thigh and I close my eyes and try to breathe. I feel my knee rise and my leg wrap around the back of him, and I know I’ve gone too far.

I take one step back and stare at him with ravenous eyes. My breathing, still heavy, breaks the silence of the room and I think Jason might cry. “My God, what have we done to each other?” I ask, not expecting an answer.

“I have to go,” Jason says.

But I can’t let him go like this. There’s no way I can ever let him go.

“You know, you’re right.” He caresses my swollen face. “Whoever had been with you when this happened, I’d never let them near you again.” He kisses me above my eye and I wince at the sting. “Just remember, Annie, I’m always thinking of you. No matter what becomes of me, it’s always you that matters. If I win the NFR, if I have ten kids, if I marry someone else, every minute of it I’ll be thinking of you. No matter where I am or who I’m with, it will always be you.” He moves my head so I can see him. “Do you understand?”

I understand all too well.

“Jason, when we were together, it was everything,” I say, and I know he knows what I mean. “I still love you.”

He gently kisses me once more.

“I’m goin’,” Jason says, staring at me with empty eyes.

“I’ll drive you.”

“It’s okay. I’m in no rush to be anywhere.” With that, he lets go of my hands and walks out the door without looking back.

I walk to the front window and watch him walk for about an acre and a half—until he reaches the top of the overpass and I can no longer see him.