Redemption (26 page)

Her attention should have been focused on Ryan’s grief, but all she could think about was the way her hand felt in his.

The next week was full of heartbreaking moments for Ryan—viewing the body, the funeral service, the gathering of relatives all wanting to wish him their condolences.

Through it all, Kari was at his side.

She remembered one afternoon that week when her mother pulled her aside. “I see what’s happening.” She kissed Kari on her forehead. “Be careful.”

Kari feigned innocence and gave her mother a questioning look. “If you’re talking about Ryan and me, you don’t have to worry. He just needs someone to talk to, someone who isn’t his mother or his family.” She shrugged. “I’m only trying to help.”

“Really.” It wasn’t a question, but a statement of doubt, and it frustrated Kari. Was it that obvious that she was falling for him again? And what about Ryan? Did he really want her company only because he was grieving the loss of his father?

Ryan’s father had died shortly before the beginning of Ryan’s four-week Christmas break. He had arranged to test out of his courses by mail and stay to help his mother and sister until classes started up in January.

But the truth was, he spent less time with them than with Kari. They took long walks and spent hours on his front porch, talking about Ryan’s memories of his father, his feelings now that the man was gone. With each passing day, each passing conversation, they grew closer.

Finally on a Friday two weeks after the funeral, they drove to Indianapolis and spent a late afternoon Christmas shopping at one of the city’s oversized indoor malls. Kari had wondered if it would be hard for him, but he seemed relieved to escape for a little while the sadness at home. They walked hand in hand—something they had never done in public—through the elegantly decorated stores. Kari noticed every time he slid his fingers along hers. Her heart beat faster with each subtle squeeze or brush of his thumb against her palm.

A barrage of questions hit her as they walked that way. Why was he holding her hand if he didn’t want to date her? Had something changed since he’d been home? And what would it matter anyway, since he was going back to school at the end of break? To keep her mind from wandering, she caught Ryan up on the news at the high school. She was telling him how one of the cheerleaders had come to a football game with three hot rollers stuck in the back of her head when Ryan laughed out loud.

It was the first time he’d done so since his father died, and Kari basked in the sound. As the evening wore on, there was no question that something had changed between them. She wondered if either of them would be bold enough to talk about it.

They teased and shared stories and searched for treasures and checked items off their lists. After eating in the food court, they made their way back to his truck in the underground lot. The structure was only dimly lit, and once they climbed into his truck the darkness lay thick around them. Kari waited for Ryan to start the engine, but instead he turned to face her.

“Do you feel it?” The space between them was so dark she could make out only the sparkle in his eyes.

She reminded herself to exhale as she nodded. “For a long time.”

He inched closer and took her face gently in his hands. “I love you, Kari. I’ve always loved you.”

Her heart thudded inside her chest. “But . . . what about our date . . . on my sixteenth birthday? I thought . . .”

He held a single finger to her lips. “What good would it have done? You were too young to be dating a college guy. I had no choice but to wait.”

No choice but to wait?
Kari thought she might explode from the way her heart swelled within her. All this time . . . all this time Ryan had cared about her as more than a friend? He really
had
wanted to date her? It was more than she dared dream, even in the secret places of her heart. Before she could give his feelings further thought, he brought his lips to hers and kissed her in a way that made time stand still.

The moment lasted forever as he kissed her again and again, soothing away any doubts. Certainly whatever issues they hadn’t resolved between them would all work out in the long run.

Or at least it seemed that way back then.

Ryan killed the engine, and the memories fled. Kari watched him drop anchor and gather up the fishing equipment, appreciating again how much he’d grown and matured since those days when they’d been inseparable.

If only we’d stayed that way . . .

Kari blinked back the thought. She could let her memories go only so far. Thinking about him like that now, in the present, couldn’t possibly help her—not when Tim was finally ready to talk. Or so he said . . .

She shook off the niggling doubts and pointed to the fishing poles. “Which one’s mine?”

He handed her a slim fiberglass rod, and they moved out from under the canopy to the back of the boat. “Okay.” He opened the box of lures. “Let’s see if the fish in Lake Monroe bite when the water’s cold.”

The air between them was easy, and Kari wasn’t surprised. They sat side by side fixing their lines, then casting them out behind the boat.

Minutes passed while they sat in silence, working their reels. Then, without saying a word, Ryan reached out his free hand and quietly worked his fingers between hers. The touch of his skin was electrifying, and she couldn’t speak, could barely think. Everything in her knew she should break free, find some excuse to change seats or distract him from making contact again.

But in that moment she was carried back to another place and time, back to the days when sitting together this way was as easy as breathing.

What am I doing, Lord?

The wind chimes of uncertainty played softly in her mind. She closed her eyes, and nothing else mattered—not her convictions or her confusion or her questions. Because then and there, alone on a lake they both loved, hand in hand with Ryan the way they hadn’t been for years, Kari was sure that nothing could have made her pull away.

Not even God.

Chapter Eighteen

They tried to pretend the attraction wasn’t back, but despite their talk of fish and lake water and proper lures, they couldn’t deny the feelings between them. Kari laughed when Ryan reeled in an old sock early in the day, and later she helped him land a king-size bass that nearly broke his line.

The cold temperatures and icy water didn’t matter. In Ryan Taylor’s presence, Kari felt warmer than she had in weeks.

When they fell silent, the space between them was quietly inviting, as it had always been.

Kari gazed out at the lake and remembered the golden weeks they’d spent together after that first kiss in the underground parking lot. After they finally admitted their feelings for each other there had been no turning back. The two of them were together every moment, and three weeks later Kari’s parents made their doubts known. She was seventeen by then, Ryan nineteen. Her parents thought she was too young to be so serious.

“We love each other.” Kari shrugged, making eye contact with her parents, pleading with them to understand. “Maybe we always have.”

Her mother leaned forward, her voice kind and firm. “We believe you, dear, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re just seventeen. You both have so much ahead of you. We don’t want you to get hurt.”

Kari had crossed the room and hugged them both. Her parents’ concern made her feel loved and protected, but it did nothing to change her feelings for Ryan. “I’ll be careful. I promise.”

With every passing day the connection between them grew. They took walks along the icy lakeshore and went ice-skating at the park. They cuddled in his truck at the drive-in movies and tried to pretend time wasn’t running out. The night before Ryan went back to college they made plans to see a movie, but the moment Kari climbed into the truck, they began kissing.

“Lake Monroe?”

Kari pulled away, breathless, and nodded. She needed no words.

They parked in a remote spot overlooking the lake and talked about what would happen next.

“I don’t want to go back. Not now, not ever.” Ryan took her hands in his and looked deep into her eyes. “Football used to mean the world to me, Kari, and now it’s just a silly game. All I want is you.”

The air was cold and dark outside, and a delicious, dangerous electricity filled the spaces between them. “I wish I could go with you.” Kari slid across the bench seat and laid her head on his shoulder. He was breathing hard, and the sensation of his nearness caused feelings in her she hadn’t felt before.

Her parents didn’t expected her home for two hours, and before either of them knew what was happening they were kissing again, taking in all they could about each other, pushing the limits in a way they hadn’t before. Finally Ryan eased himself away from her. He looked straight ahead and gripped the steering wheel. “We can’t . . .”

Kari ached with feelings she knew were forbidden. She tried to steady her heartbeat. “I know.”

“I can’t believe I’m leaving tomorrow.” He gazed at her by the light of the moon, his eyes filled with passion. “I need you, Kari.”

They’d never run out of things to talk about before. But that night, sitting in his truck, they agreed that no amount of conversation could ease the temptation they both felt. And nothing they might talk about could take away the pain of good-bye.

They went home early, and Ryan parked in front of Kari’s house. “Have you ever wanted to run away? Just forget about the things people expect of you?”

She studied him, unwilling to let go now that their hearts were bound so completely. “I wish you didn’t have to leave.”

He kissed her one last time and whispered into her hair words she remembered to this day. “Wait for me, Kari girl. Please.”

She couldn’t speak, couldn’t answer him. Instead, she nodded and quickly climbed out of the truck. When she waved good-bye they were both crying.

For the next five months they spoke on the phone several times a week, biding their time until summer vacation. From the moment he attended her graduation that May, they were inseparable—boating on the lake, day camping on the shore, playing Frisbee and Ping-Pong and H-O-R-S-E, and living each hour as if it might be their last.

Intensely aware of the electricity between them, they came up with the idea of a Passion Patrol and took turns being on duty. One weekend she’d be in charge of making sure they got home without incident; another weekend it was his turn. Though their feelings for each other grew with each date, so did their determination to wait. For her, it had been a matter of her faith. For him, it was more a respect for her and a determination to help her honor her convictions.

But Ryan often attended church with her as well, and halfway through that summer she was surprised when he answered an altar call and accepted Christ as his Savior.

“Guess all those years of youth group paid off.” He grinned at Kari after the service. “I don’t know why I waited so long.”

She was thrilled, believing nothing could separate them now that he was a believer. For a brief instant she wondered if his decision wasn’t a bit too convenient, more about pleasing her than God. Even so, she couldn’t wait to share the news with her parents. “See,” she told them that night, “I knew he’d get there one day.”

After they parted in August, they spent each day wondering how they’d survive being apart until Christmas.

Kari started college at Indiana University and buried herself in schoolwork and her first modeling jobs, while Ryan took his emptiness out on the football field. That fall he averaged more yards per catch than any of his teammates, and by midseason he was on course to break several school records. More often than not, the weekly write-up on the team included his name.

It was about that time that Kari first began to sense a change in him. His letters and phone calls were briefer. He talked more about what
he
was doing and less about what they would do together.

Then, toward the end of the season, Kari and Brooke flew out to Oklahoma to watch Ryan play and meet some of his teammates. He was obviously glad to see her, but he was just as obviously caught up in how many yards he’d gotten and how many he’d get the next game. He spoke about little but opposing defenses and passing routes and offensive strategies. He took her to parties where he and his friends were so caught up in football talk that he had almost no time alone with her.

It was on that trip that Kari realized what was happening.

First place in Ryan’s life no longer belonged to her. It belonged to football.

“You’re really serious about this, aren’t you?” Her question came late that Saturday night as he said good night outside the hotel room she was sharing with Brooke.

Ryan shrugged, and she saw the answer in his eyes. “When I’m out there, running plays, catching passes—” His eyes drifted heavenward, and he shook his head. “I don’t know . . . it’s like I’m the wind, and nothing can stop me.”

The next year was more or less the same. Fewer phone calls, shorter visits home. When he did make it to Indiana, they still attended church together, still promised their love to each other. Still talked about sharing a future together. But the talk grew more and more vague.