Redemption (26 page)

“Like I’ve mentioned, we protect you, and you provide us with the life energy we need,” I said. “And you must understand that we need it badly. Anyways, the witches made it so that in return we would have to be loyal to them and protect them. We were created to protect you. And from the moment you properly reached your essence for the first time, I have felt the overwhelming urge to keep you safe.” I pointed to the others. “They all felt it the moment you walked in the room.”

“I don’t know if I like that,” she said.

“None of us have ever really liked it,” Vincent said. “Even with Marie, I often wished I could always keep her safe because I loved her, and not because of a stupid impulse. It makes you doubt your motives for everything you do.”

“Do you feel well enough to try transferring some of your essence?” Garnier asked.

I wanted to argue that we should let her rest. But I didn’t know how long I could wait.

Aude had managed to transfer a small stream of essence to me before she went home. We didn’t want to push her to do more this soon, especially since she was obviously overwhelmed. Truth be told, I felt much the same way, even though the information was not new to me. The roof gave me a good place to think, and I enjoyed the solitude, watching the starry sky while the cold nipped at my skin.

A few decades as stone could give you a new appreciation for cold. It was such a vivid feeling. Cold was not the feeling that nagged at me at that moment, though. It was everything but cold, or at least that’s how it felt to me. Two emotions bubbled to the surface. The first one was one I was no stranger to: guilt. So much guilt had been present in me for so long that it seemed impossible that I would still even notice it. The other emotion was a new one. One that I’d been trying to feel for so long and only caught me by surprised once I stopped trying.

I heard footsteps behind me and even if I’d not recognized their steady pace, I would have known whose they were. Only one person came to me while I was on the roof. The same person I felt so guilty about on this night.

“I am so sorry.” I didn’t move to look at him.

He didn’t say anything.

“I know I’ve said it before, but I never really understood what I was apologizing about until tonight.”

“She really got to you, didn’t she?” Garnier’s hands were in his pockets and he struggled against the cold.

“I don’t know … I mean … I guess she did.” I took a deep breath. “It’s just … isn’t it hypocritical for me to feel anything for her?”

“What do you mean?”

“If Marguerite hadn’t died, I don’t know if Aude would have ever even been born … isn’t saying that I love her the same thing as saying it’s all right that Marguerite died? Because it’s not all right, Garnier. It can never be all right.”

He stood still. “I don’t think it’s the same, Guillaume. You need to stop blaming yourself.”

“No.” I shook my head. “You have to start blaming me. It’s my fault that she’s dead. I took this away from you.”

“You didn’t take anything away from me. It was her decision. She’s the one who left me for you. She’s the one who gave you her essence, and in the end she was such a coward that she’s the one who jumped off a bloody bridge.”

“You can’t mean that.”

He took a deep breath through his nose and there was a hint of a sniffle in the sound. “No, I didn’t mean the last part, but the rest is true.”

“I encouraged it. I wanted to feel what you felt. When she was around, I thought I was so close. What you felt for her was so much more, wasn’t it?”

He nodded.

“Then how could you not blame me?”

“I do,” Garnier said. “You were selfish and her attention fed your vanity. I blame you for not trying to understand how badly you hurt others. I also blamed her, and even myself. I should have understood. She was young, all the attention we’d given her made her a bit vain. She thought she could fix you; you were a challenge. I shouldn’t have let her go. I gave up too easily.”

My chest constricted, like my lungs were being held in someone’s fist, someone who was pressing harder and harder. “It hurts so much, Garnier.”

A sad smile spread on his lips. “For you, it doesn’t have to hurt.”

“She doesn’t love me the way I love her. I thought she might, but I read too much into it. She’s been pulling away from me.”

“She’s overwhelmed. Give her time.”

I sighed. In the end, it didn’t really matter how she felt about me. Having her love would be a sort of redemption that I didn’t deserve.

Garnier shrugged and I watched him walk away. Everything came so easy to him. Everything came so easy to everyone but me, it seemed.

40

Guillaume

We made plans to go through Audrée’s diary together. Aude asked me to meet her at Café Bohémien and I wondered if it was because she wasn’t comfortable having me in her house since I tried to kiss her.

I had a way of making a mess out of everything and I really should have thought about what she may have wanted before simply pressing my lips on hers. I would make it up to her, though. I could act perfectly normal and she would dismiss the whole incident.

It’s not that the way she made me feel was not important—it was, in fact, very important to me, one of the most important things ever. But this feeling made me care more about her wants that I ever thought would be possible. It wasn’t all about me anymore.

She sat on an armchair in a darkened corner of the small coffee shop. The scent of the latte she sipped reminded me of her; sweet and spicy. She gave me a small smile and nodded to the empty chair right next to hers. The upholstery was worn from countless people sitting on it while discussing whatever it is that people discuss in coffee shops, and yet I wondered if anybody had ever sat on these chairs to talk about anything as important, as monumentally significant, as we would.

A chair creaked in the far corner of the room and her eyes darted in the direction of the offensive noise before returning to mine. The small, shoddy journal bound in black leather rested on the table in front of her knees. I swallowed hard, knowing how even more meaningful Audrée’s diary now was to me.

“Lucy is not working today?” I asked.

She shook her head.

“About the diary; I’ve only read a bit,” she said softly, “but I thought I should warn you that it’s not easy to read.”

I nodded and she opened her mouth to speak more when a pretty waitress about Aude’s age came around to ask me what I wanted. I asked her for an Earl Grey tea, and she scurried away.

Aude handed me the journal. “Take it, see if anything helps.” She hesitated. “Can I ask you a favor?”

“Of course. Anything.” It was true. I would do anything for her.

“Don’t let the diary bring you to a bad place. I’ve seen how your eyes get sometimes. I know how you carry everything on your shoulders, and I can’t even begin to understand everything you’ve been through. You can’t let this affect you like that. Please promise me that it will not turn you back into the dark brooding Guillaume. I like the new Guillaume better.”

I shook my head in wonder. She watched for my reaction while biting her lower lip.

My shoulders sagged. I didn’t know how I could promise her this, but had I not told her I’d do anything? “Agreed,” I said somberly.

She nodded and gave me a small smile.

“Here’s your tea.” The coffee girl leaned over, revealing ample cleavage directly in my face as she placed my Earl Grey on the table in front of me. I averted my eyes, not disgusted, but annoyed with the interruption.

“How are you, Aude?”

She pulled her knees up and hugged them. Her shoulders rose in a shrug.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“I don’t know. I’m used to being in control. I’m trying … you know, trying to act like it’s all cool, but I don’t think I’m fooling anyone.”

“You don’t have to be strong all the time.”

“Yes, I do, because if I’m not in control things fall apart. There’s no one else I can trust to do it for me … ” Her eyes met mine and quickly she looked away. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that I couldn’t trust you. I really feel like I can … it’s just that it’s always been Mom and me.”

I wanted to comfort her, to tell everything would be all right, but I didn’t know how to, and the truth was that there was no way everything would be all right. She’d almost been killed and it seemed I could do nothing about it.

A strand of hair fell into her eyes and she brushed it away before turning her attention to her short fingernails. She scratched at a chip in the dark burgundy polish and made it worse, then turned to me and cringed.

“Ugh, I hate it when I do that.”

I raised my eyebrows at her.

“You know, when something is almost perfect but there’s this tiny little thing that bothers you and you continue to scratch and pick at it until it gets so much worse?”

I had a feeling that she was no longer talking about her nail polish.“What’s bothering you?”

She sighed. “It’s stupid, but this whole essentialist thing bugs me. I mean, first the drumming and ancestor stuff and now this. It’s like you show up in my life and you’re like
Hi Aude, all this impossible crap is true and you’re not the person who you thought you were for the past sixteen years. And to top it all off, the whole freaking world has gone crazy.
”

She picked up her drink and took a sip.

“I’m sorry.” I wrestled with the urge to place my hand on her arm. I didn’t need to make her more uncomfortable than she already was.

“You can’t be sorry for being who you are.”

I shrugged. It felt like being sorry for who I am was exactly how I should be.

“I should go. Do you still plan to come to band practice with me tonight?”

I nodded.

“Okay, I’ll see you then.”

“Aude … ”

“Yes?”

“If you feel like you are being followed, it’s Garnier. He feels we should be watching you.” It wasn’t what I wanted to say to her.

“Um wow. So, I’m to be protected now?”

“Can you blame us?”

She visibly shivered. “No, I can’t.”

She walked out of the door and I saw Garnier appear from a shadowy corner and trail her.

I skimmed through the entries until I found the one I was looking for, the one Vincent would want to read.

October 24th, 1955

Yesterday I received the worst news in the world. Mom and Dad are dead. A police officer told me about it. His words will forever ring in my head: “There was a car accident, your mother and father did not survive.”

Twelve simple words that can send your universe crashing. They say you can find solace in remaining relatives, but I will never know since I don’t have any. Tomorrow I get sent to an orphanage. I never thought that this would be my fate.

Orphans are people without parents. I have two parents. Warm, loving parents whom I hugged only yesterday.

The police man told me that I would be taken care of. Apparently this is something I should be grateful for. How can I be grateful when my whole world has been taken away from me?

Tomorrow, I start my new life.

I sighed and thumbed through entries until another one caught my attention.

November 3rd, 1956

I failed the evaluation. I guess it was to be expected since Maude failed it too and she’s one of the most stable people I know. Hopefully we will at least be sent to the same facility.

Sometimes I fear they are right about me, though. I’ve never repeated the secrets my mother told me when I was young, I’d never spoken about essence to them, but surely they know about it and this is why I am being committed.

Is this the way my life will be from now on? Is every year going to bring more goodbyes?

Her diary entries become sporadic and she went years without writing. I skipped right to the last entry.

May 20th, 1959

There is no longer a doubt in my mind as to what is wrong with me. I saw Brigitte go through the same thing and she went missing as soon as it was discovered. Many have gone missing. I don’t want to give them a reason to take me as well. Maude has helped me come up with a plan. I don’t know what I will do when I am out, but it can’t be worse out there than it is in here. I’ve heard rumors of a cemetery where they bury those of us who die during experiments. I think Brigitte and her baby are buried in there. They may have hurt me, but I will not let them hurt my baby. It is the only family I have.

This unborn baby would grow up to become Aude’s mother. That family had suffered so much. I had to keep them safe from now on.

41

Aude