Regret List (19 page)

My heart was pounding as I walked down the hallway
toward his room. If he was hurt, it couldn’t be too bad. Was he
sick? In trouble with the police? Dropping out of school?
Everything sounded equally bizarre. His door was closed and I put
my ear to the door, knocking quietly. After a couple seconds, I
realized he hadn’t heard me, so I let myself in. As the door
opened, I realized what was happening.

“No!” I shouted, seeing Asher kneeling by his bed,
stuffing a suitcase with all his personal belongings. His room was
empty – so empty that my voice echoed strangely off the walls,
giving it a weird ringing quality.

He glanced over and threw the notebook at me. It
fluttered to the floor, looking old and broken. “You can keep it.
I’m done with my part,” he said, continuing to pack.

“Stop!” I rushed over and grabbed his arm, trying to
pull him away from the suitcase, but he just pushed me off him and
I collapsed on the floor. “You can’t leave,” I said, my voice
quieter.

“I’m moving to my dad’s place in Portland. I can’t
deal with all this anymore.”

“All what?” I pleaded. “Come on, you’re my best
friend, Asher. I’ve been thinking things over and-“

“And what? You’ve decided I’m your next pity case to
fawn over?” Asher had always been kind of abrupt with me, but he
never sounded like this. This time his voice was just cruel. He
wanted to hurt me and I couldn’t blame him. Then his words hit
me.

“What do you mean, my next pity case?”

He finally paused and glared at me. “You think I’m
stupid? After Valentine’s Day, I did some research, trying to
figure out what was going on with you and Jason. It wasn’t hard to
work out. You’re only with him because his mom was the woman from
the accident.”

I stared at him, everything suddenly slowing down.
“How did you – my dad, I never told you.”

He shrugged. “Am I the only one with a computer?
Search your dad’s name online sometime. There’s this thing called a
newspaper that reports stuff like that.”

My whole body sagged. “I just thought-“

“Yeah, you were stupid,” he interrupted. “I knew you
were an idiot, but going out with someone because you feel sorry
for something your dad did? You’ve reached a new low, Paige. How do
you think he’s going to feel when he finds out that’s the only
reason you’re with him?”

“He’s not going to find out,” I said. “You’re one of
the only people who know…” I trailed off as I saw the look on his
face. “You wouldn’t!”

“Already did.”

I jumped up, enraged. “Why would you do something
like that?” I kicked the suitcase, sending some of his stuff
skittering across the floor. “Is this some sort of sick
revenge?”

He gave me a look of frustration and shook his head.
“No, Paige. I like Jason. He’s a cool guy and I had to tell him
what was going on. I don’t want him to get jerked around by you the
same way I was. Because you’re right – he might not realize who you
are and what you’re doing for months, even years. And each day you
lead him on, you’re doing a little more damage to him. You have no
idea how much you destroy people with your little games.”

Swiping the notebook up off the floor, I stormed out
of the room. “Goodbye, Asher,” I muttered. I didn’t wait for a
response. His mom was waiting expectantly down the hallway, but I
barely glanced at her as I headed for the front door. “Sorry, have
to go,” I mumbled, breaking into a run. Once outside, I jumped back
onto my bike, steering one-handed in order to hold the notebook. I
had to get to Jason’s house, but I seriously feared what I would
find once I got there. Somehow, I didn’t think we would be going to
see a movie that evening.

It took me much longer to reach Jason’s house. Part
of it was exhaustion, but the other part was dread at seeing his
reaction to the news. Still, there was a tiny part of me that felt
relieved, too. All the hiding, the deception, the lies, all of it
was finally over. I pulled up at his house and jumped off my bike,
leaning it up against the house instead of dumping it in the dirt.
With a deep breath, I approached the front door and knocked.
Jason’s dad opened the door, giving me a long, hard look before
silently letting me inside.

I felt tiny as I walked inside, cowering under his
stare. Slowly walking back to Jason’s room, I found him sitting at
his desk, staring at his phone. He jumped up when he saw me,
stuffing his phone in his pocket. “Oh hey, Paige. I wasn’t
expecting you so soon. The movie’s not until 7, you know.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Had Asher
really not told him? No, there was someone weird in the way he was
talking to me, something robotic. Asher had definitely told him
something. “Oh,” I said. “I was just- my friend, you know,
Asher?”

Jason nodded slowly, sinking back down into his
chair. “Yeah, about that,” he trailed off and waved a hand at me.
“No, go on. I want to hear what you have to say.”

I was still standing in the doorway. I had this
feeling in my chest that if I walked in, plopped down on his bed,
and told him that Asher was full of it, Jason would smile, take me
in his arms and never mention it again. I knew I still had a chance
with him. I could still make him happy.

But it wouldn’t make me happy.

“I have something I should have told you a long time
ago,” I said, feeling weak. “I think you know.”

“I want to hear it from you.” His voice had turned
hard and he pulled out his phone, looking at it again. “I thought
maybe this was some sick prank or something.”

“My dad,” I began, hoping I wouldn’t pass out
mid-sentence, “he was the one behind the wheel in that accident
that killed your mom.” As I said the words, it struck me that it
was the first time I had ever admitted the truth to anyone.

“And you knew the whole time?”

I nodded. “I just thought it might help, I don’t
know, make things better.”

“Make things better?” He stood up and tossed his
phone on the bed, where it bounced off and hit the wall with a
thud. “I honestly thought we had something amazing, Paige. I
thought you
liked
me.”

I opened my mouth, ready to protest that I did like
him, that we did have something special, but realized what he and
Asher were trying to tell me was true: what I was doing was totally
unfair to Jason. “I’m sorry,” I said instead. “I don’t know what to
tell you. I was stupid, I guess. I just wanted to make you happy.”
When I said it aloud, I realized how moronic it sounded and I felt
like dirt. That was probably the lowest point of my life so
far.

He just closed his eyes and shook his head.
“Whatever, Paige. Can you just go? I really don’t want to talk
about this any longer.”

“Yeah, okay.” I dug my hand in my pocket and pulled
out the ring he had given me. “Here.” I set it on his nightstand.
“I’m really sorry. Honestly.” He didn’t open his eyes as I left his
room and I exited the house, avoiding eye-contact with his dad. I
still had the notebook under my arm and I slowly pedaled down the
street, just feeling empty. I paused on a bridge, overlooking a
creek brimming and frothing with snow-melt. Right now, you might be
paging back to the front of this story and tapping #4 of my list,
the only one I haven’t talked about: Destroying the most important
thing I ever created.

Yes, I thought about throwing the notebook in there,
or setting it on fire, or destroying it in some other way so I
wouldn’t think of Asher every time I saw it. But that’s not what #4
is referring to. The most important thing I ever created was my
friendship with Asher, and I didn’t want to just throw it away so
easily, even if it was destroyed. I cycled on, leaving the bubbling
creek behind. I wasn’t sure where I was going until I remembered
Grace’s words:
Come find me when it gets too complicated
. If
there was ever a time that felt too complicated, it was then.

It was well into the evening by the time I reached
Grace’s house. There was a rusty, dented car outside this time, and
I knocked quietly, hoping she didn’t have company. The door opened
a crack, and Grace’s round face peeked out at me, smiling when she
saw who it was. She ushered me inside, pressing a finger to her
lips. “My mom’s sleeping,” she whispered, leading me into the small
living room. “What’s up? You look upset.”

I groaned softly and took off my glasses, rubbing my
eyes. “I suppose you could say that.” Over the next hour, I
explained everything. From my dad’s death to my betrayal of Jason
and Asher to the notebook, I told her absolutely everything. She
stayed utterly silent the entire time, only nodding
occasionally.

When I finally finished telling her about the day’s
events, she gestured to the notebook, still tucked under my arm.
“Well, what’s the last part of his story?”

Her question took me by surprise, and I held out the
notebook, staring at the beat-up cover. “I haven’t read it
yet.”

She laughed. “Then there’s still a piece of the story
missing. Go on, read it. I’ll work on my homework.” Sitting
cross-legged on the couch, I sat back and started reading the next
section. It wasn’t long, but I read it over several times, trying
to make sure I didn’t miss anything. Finally, I shut the notebook,
running my finger along the metal binding.

Grace looked up at me expectantly. “Well?”

“It’s not good,” I said. “Basically, Asher’s
character, the guy, he took off. His original mission was simply to
kill the wizard, but then he got captured and ‘distracted’ by the
girl.” I formed my fingers into quotation marks, emphasizing that
word. “Yeah, that’s the word he used. Anyway, he turned around and
headed back to the castle, determined to fulfill his quest, leaving
my character behind.”

Grace tapped her finger on her lips, thinking for a
moment. “The way I see it,” she said slowly, “the girl has two
choices; she can either go on, make new friends, have new
adventures, and move on, or she can go after him. It’s your
choice.”

I understood what she was saying, and was silent
while I thought. If I let Asher go, it wouldn’t be the end of the
world. I’m sure I would make new friends, eventually fall in love
and date a guy I really liked, and my life would probably be pretty
happy. But, I wouldn’t have Asher. Did I really want to keep
dragging out this whole drama-filled fiasco, just to try to get
Asher back? The answer was pretty definite in my mind and I stood
quickly, hugging Grace. “Thanks. You really helped me figure this
out.”

She grinned, looking pleased. “I do what I can!” As I
hurried out the door, her hand caught my shoulder. “Wait, I wanted
you to know. I decided to give the baby up for adoption. I’ve
started looking at families and I think it’s what I need to do for
him.”

I nodded, a feeling of relief flooding through my
body. I reminded myself that I wasn’t taking responsibility for
other people any longer, but I was still happy the baby wasn’t
going to grow up here, in the grimy surroundings where he would
learn to play silently, so as not to wake his grandma. I hugged her
tightly, and I could feel the bulge of her belly pressed tightly
against my own belly. “You should come over to my house sometime,”
I said. “Come hang out, do homework together, that sort of
thing.”

“Sure, maybe I’ll do that.” She sounded happier than
she had in a long time. “Let me know what happens.”

“Will do.” I walked outside, pinecones crunching
under my feet. I heard the door close behind me and I pulled out my
phone, dialing Asher’s mom.

She answered after a couple rings. “Asher’s already
left,” she said abruptly, without even saying hello.

“Okay,” I replied. “I’m going after him.”

“That’s my girl.” Her voice lightened slightly. “I’ll
text you his dad’s address. Good luck.”

We hung up and an address popped up just seconds
later. Getting back on my bike, I headed home, hoping my mom hadn’t
left on yet another date. To my relief, her car was in the driveway
when I got there and after parking my bike back in the garage, I
walked inside to find her. She was at the kitchen table, eating a
TV dinner and looked up in surprise when I walked in. “I thought
you would be with Jason by now,” she said, glancing at the clock on
the wall.

“Change of plans,” I said, tucking the notebook more
securely under my arm and pulling out my phone. “Can you drive me
here?” I showed her the address on my phone.

She furrowed her eyebrows. “Portland? That’s around a
four hour drive. I suppose maybe we can go this weekend, if you
want. What’s there?”

“No,” I explained, “I need to go there now. Asher
decided he’s moving away. I need to go after him, like now.”

She stared at me for a second, then pushed the dinner
away. “Alright. If you really want.” I threw my arms around her and
then dashed for the car, hopping from foot to foot while she
grabbed the keys and locked the door. “You know you’re going to
have to explain,” she said as we piled into the car.

“I know.” As we drove down the street and out of
town, I started my story a second time. This time, it was easier
because she already had an inkling about why I was dating Jason,
but I also took the opportunity to explain about the book and what
had happened with Grace and my other friends. I stayed reasonably
vague about the college party, but it felt good to finally tell
someone what was going on. I hadn’t talked with my mom like this in
years, and she seemed to realize it too.

She shook her head as I finished and I noticed her
fingers were a little too tight on the steering wheel. “I remember
back when I knew everything that was going on in your life,” she
said, slowing down to let some deer cross the highway. “I’m sorry I
haven’t been around as much this past year.”

I shrugged. “It’s okay, Mom. I know you have your own
life. I should be able to handle things myself.”