Regret List (8 page)

“I couldn’t stand watching you sing,” he said,
flopping back on the bed.

He might as well have reached into my chest and
squeezed my heart until it popped. “I’m that bad?” I asked, my
voice trembling.

He shrugged. “How should I know?”

I rubbed my fist roughly against my eyes, fighting
back tears. Knowing it was a losing battle, I quickly slid off the
bed and headed for the door. “I’ll just go.”

“No, wait.” Something in his voice caught me and I
turned around. He sat up and I could see he was also crying. It was
the first time I had ever seen him cry.

I stood still for a moment, unsure what to do.
“Why’re you crying?” I sniffled, forgetting my own tears for a
second.

“Do you believe in God?” he asked.

I was silent for a moment. Did I like the idea of a
God? Sure. Believe in him? That was an entirely different question.
“I don’t know,” I admitted finally. “Why?”

“Because I did,” he replied. “I bought all that crap
in Sunday school, that with God believing in me, I could do
anything.” I nodded. We heard that line every week. “So I asked
Pastor Robbins if I could be on the choir, if I could sing with
everyone.

My mouth dropped open. “You wanted to be an angel?
You’re like, the least angelic person I know.”

Even through his tears, he smiled. “It was kind of my
mom’s idea. Anyway, at first he said no and I told him that it was
okay, that I didn’t mind when people laughed at me, that I just
wanted to stand up there with you and the others.”

“Yeah? So what’d he say?”

Asher crossed his arms and glared at the wall. “He
said no, that it was nothing personal, but people come to the show
expecting a certain sound. He offered to let me paint the scenery
instead.”

I was at his side in an instant, wrapping him up in
my arms, my forehead resting against his. That old fierceness
returned, the one that made me defend him against all else. “I
don’t want to be in his stupid choir,” I declared. “If they don’t
want you, I don’t want them.” Even as I said it, a pang of guilt
forced its way through me and my stomach clenched. What would my
mom think?

He shook his head, making my own head move with his.
“No, you have to go. I don’t want anyone to know-“ he trailed
off.

I sank away from him. “I won’t tell anyone,” I
promised, “but I won’t sing either.”

“Really? Promise?”

Promise
, I signed.

He smiled and then turned away abruptly, rubbing his
face. “I’ve got some stuff to do. I’ll see you later.”

I never did tell my mom why I refused to sing in the
choir after that. Maybe I should have. Maybe it would have abated
her disappointment. Maybe she would have understood why I stopped
going to church after that. Maybe maybe maybe. She knew it had
something to do with Asher, but that’s all. When her disappointment
turned to anger and accusation, I just told her that I didn’t
believe in God and it was a waste of time. It’s true, that’s how I
felt, but it was more complicated than that, really. She thought
Asher had convinced me to stop believing but if anything, it was
the other way around.

All that ran through my mind as Jason asked me why I
never went to church anymore. Of course, I couldn’t explain it to
him any better than I did with my mom. Instead, I just shrugged, my
dress feeling heavy on my shoulders. “I guess I just got busy with
other stuff. School and all.”

“Well, you should come sometime. You’re missing
out.”

“Sure.” I let out one of my weird, awkward laughs
that always popped out when I was lying. Clamping my mouth shut, I
stood up. “I’ll go ahead and get changed back into my clothes.”

“’Kay.” He left while I changed again. I stood for a
second in just my underwear, looking around me. What would my mom
think if she knew I was standing half-naked in some guy’s bedroom?
The thing is, it didn’t feel weird. Well okay, it was kind of
awkward, but not
sexually
weird. When I was around Jason,
those kinds of thoughts didn’t really cross my mind. Did my mom
really think I was capable of doing those sorts of things already?
Sure, I was in high school, but I still felt so young. Not innocent
exactly, just too embarrassed to think about it yet. If only
everyone my age felt the same way, but that’s skipping ahead a
bit.

I quickly slipped into my clothes, triple-checking to
make sure my fly was pulled up, then stuffed my dress back into its
bag. When I opened the bedroom door, I didn’t see Jason anywhere,
but I heard a cupboard slamming in the kitchen. “Do you want a
peanut butter and jam sandwich?” he called.

“Alright,” I agreed, venturing back into the kitchen
and sitting down in a folding chair.

“I live off these things,” he said seriously, setting
one down in front of me. “When I was a kid, I tried going
vegetarian once, just so I could eat these sandwiches all day long
without my dad forcing other meals on me. He didn’t really know how
to cook anything vegetarian, so he let me fend for myself and this
was all I ate. It was heaven.”

I laughed, taking a bite. “So what happened?”

He grinned. “I only lasted a day. My dad made bacon
and eggs the next morning and I couldn’t resist the bacon. He
caught me sneaking some and that was that. Back to solid square
meals.” He said the last part in a deeper voice, sounding goofy. On
cue, the front door opened and a man entered. He looked a lot like
Jason, just older: narrow glasses framing a thin face, his dark
hair just starting to go gray on the sides.

“Hey kiddo,” he greeted Jason, then glanced at me.
His expression suddenly turned from relaxed to rock-hard as he
studied my face, but Jason didn’t seem to notice. He wasn’t glaring
at me exactly, just silently disapproving. You could see it in the
way his eyes lost that crinkle on the sides and his mouth turned
down slightly.

Oh God,
I realized,
he knows who I am.
My heart sank as I wondered what he would say, how Jason would
react. I reached down for my dress as I prepared to get kicked out.
What would I tell my friends? The school? There was a strange
rushing sound in my ears and the world seemed to go a little gray.
But to my surprise, his dad just turned away and began cleaning up
the dishes in the kitchen.

“Hi Dad,” Jason returned. “This is Paige.”

“Nice to meet you, Paige,” he murmured over the
clinking of silverware. “I hear you’re going to the dance with my
son.”

“Yes,” I said shortly, rising from my seat and
leaving my sandwich mostly untouched. “I should probably go. I’ve
got a lot of homework to do this weekend.” I rushed out of the
house, bag in tow, not waiting to see either of their
reactions.

“Wait,” Jason called from the door. “Do you need a
ride home?”

“I’ll be fine!” I hollered, walking quickly enough to
leave a slight dust trail behind me. “See you Monday.”

“Okay, see you Monday.” He sounded slightly
mystified, but I heard the door slam shut and I managed a sigh of
relief. Wondering if his dad would tell him and what kind of
reaction I would receive on Monday, I slung the bag over my
shoulder and plodded down the road, kicking a pinecone in front of
me. I was halfway down the block before I heard a car pull up
behind me. My breath caught in my throat and I turned to see
Jason’s dad, silently waiting in his car. He motioned me over and
the passenger side window rolled down. I slunk over to the window,
feeling like I might wet myself at any moment.

“Hey,” I said.

“Hey.” We were silent for a moment, then he gestured
toward the door. “Why don’t you hop in.”

“’Kay.” I opened the car door and slid into the seat,
laying my dress on top of my knees and staring at the
dashboard.

“When my son told me he was taking a girl named Paige
to the school dance, I didn’t realize it was you he was referring
to.” I nodded silently. “You know who he is?”

“Yes, sir.” I had never called a man “sir” in my life
before, but if any time was the right time, it was then.

He absorbed the information and his response was slow
in coming. “It’s clear he’s not quite as informed as you, but I
suppose that’s your decision. I’m not going to get involved in
this.”

“You won’t tell him?” I finally met his gaze in
astonishment. “Why?”

He looked at me for a few moments before speaking.
“As far as I’m concerned, you’re just a girl who lost her dad.” He
shifted the car into drive. “Now put on your seatbelt. I’ll drive
you home.”

I didn’t really understand what he meant at the time,
but I think I get it now. Some things, you just can’t control and
it’s not fair to hate someone because of the family they come from.
I don’t know if he was right not to let his son in on what was
going on, but I guess he just wanted Jason to be happy. Whatever
the reason, his dad kept his word. Sometimes I think it would have
been so much simpler, so much better if Jason found out right away,
but that just didn’t happen.

The homecoming dance was like a dream. I think when
most girls say that, they mean it was too perfect to be true, but
for me, it literally felt like a dream – totally fake. We all
waltzed in, arms interlocked with the boys, music thumping through
our bones, intermeshing between all the other bodies. The farther
we stepped into the gym, the tighter the crowd became and I was
pressed up against Jason, close enough to smell the piney, earthy
scent that came from his body. We all jostled around against each
other, squealing when our favorite songs came on. We weren’t
dancing exactly, just bouncing, feeling the floor move under our
combined energy.

I felt Jason putting his arms around me, but I found
it surprisingly difficult to look up at him, to meet his eyes. I
kept wondering what Asher was up to, if he was still annoyed that I
had blown him off for lunch last week in order to see Jason. He
found out, of course. He
always
found out. He hadn’t said
anything to me, but I could feel it just the same. We still
switched the notebook back and forth and earlier that day, I had
found the notebook in my locker. To my irritation, I hadn’t had a
chance to read it, what with all the dance preparations. Instead of
focusing on Jason, I found myself yearning to catch up on the story
and I hated myself for it.

Look at him,
I ordered myself.
This is way
more important than any old story. This is your purpose.
I
looked up at him, beaming, and he brushed back my hair.

“My little magpie,” he said, pulling me closer. A
slow song came on and everyone decelerated around us, gently
rocking back and forth. I felt my heart beat faster. Was it normal
to feel so awkward, so clumsy around your date? Why did the other
girls do this, if they didn’t have to? I had always been so jealous
of those girls, walking hand-in-hand with a boy around town,
giggling at little inside jokes, acting so reluctant to part. Now
here I was, one of those girls and there were a thousand other
places I wanted to be.

Forcing those thoughts out of my head, I fastened my
arms around Jason, slowly rocking in his arms. He draped himself
over me, head in my hair. I felt him kissing my neck, slowly
working his way up to my mouth. Tipping my chin up, I let him press
his lips to my mouth. This kiss was different than the one at the
bowling alley. Slower, more forceful. I pulled back, suddenly
feeling something pinging at my heart. Something felt off. Wrong.
“Where’d everyone go?” I asked. Strangers surrounded us and even
standing on my tiptoes, I couldn’t see over the tops of their
heads. The song changed and everyone began bouncing again, further
obscuring my view.

“Don’t know,” Jason shrugged. “Probably off dancing.
You want to get a drink?”

“Sure.” I let him forge a path through the crowd,
toward the tables lined with punch bowls. An older woman stood
watch nearby, arms crossed, probably guarding the bowls against
anyone who tried to spike them. I filled a plastic cup with some
punch and noticed Sammy and Kandice at the other end of the table.
“Where’s Grace?” I hollered at them, still feeling weirdly
anxious.

Kandice glared at me. “Who cares,” she mouthed
back.

They both looked angry and I noticed a distinct lack
of a particular two boys at their sides. Jason seemed to notice the
same thing and pulled me back into the crowd, making a face. “Let’s
catch up with them later,” he shouted in my ear. I nodded and
chugged down the punch, tossing the cup into the garbage. I still
felt a twinge at my heart, a sense that something was not right in
the world, but there was nothing I could do about it. Shrugging, I
immersed myself in the energy of the crowd, determined to have a
good time.

I’ll spare you from the details. Yes, there was more
kissing and yes, we might have even been separated by one of the
chaperones and told off for too much making out. I didn’t exactly
enjoy it, but it was new and fascinating at the same time. And now
I’m sure you’re pointing back to the beginning of the book and
saying, “But Paige, you said you would tell me the truth of what
happened, even if it’s harder…or more awkward.” So yes, yes, we
kissed a lot and got in trouble. But even the chaperone had a smile
on her face when she chided us. Anyway, that’s not the important
part. The important part happened after the dance ended and we all
stood out in the parking lot, catching our breath and looking for
our rides.

It was a clear night with a touch of frost in the air
and I shivered uncontrollably in my dress, desperately rubbing my
arms. “We have to find the others,” I managed through my chattering
teeth. Jason spotted Robert and Matt (minus their Sammy and Kandice
counterparts) across the parking lot and he waved at them as we
dodged in between the cars that slowly drove away from the
school.