Regrets of The Fallen (Victis Honor Book 1) (58 page)

Freya noticed her voice fade away with the last few words, and she moved to pull her into a hug that Haruka didn’t try to resist. As she felt Haruka begin to cry she let out a sad sigh, gripping the back of her clothing. “It’s not stupid. It’s not fair, either. Neither of you deserve this,” she said with conviction. After a minute she released her and sat her down. “Wait here, huh?” Haruka nodded and Freya left, rubbing her eyes tiredly as she walked. She wasn’t good at this sort of thing, and her main emotion for now was anger at the situation, which just meant she would say things that wouldn’t help. That was what she did – curse, fight, and struggle. She was having a hard enough time dealing with something that she couldn’t fight herself.

She stepped into the tent and looked over the three inside. “Bella.” The knight lowered the journal and sat up, noticing Freya’s expression. “You’re needed.” Isabella stood immediately and moved past her, and Freya gave a look to Able and Suria that told them to stay there. She leaned back outside the tent and pointed Isabella in the right direction before going inside herself to keep Able and Suria company.

Isabella came around the corner and sighed. “Oh, Ruki…” She knelt in front of Haruka, laying a hand on her cheek and brushing away tears with her thumb, even though they kept coming. “What’s wrong?” she asked despite knowing the answer; Haruka needed to talk about this, not listen.

Haruka met her gaze and held it, not bothering to try and control her emotions. “I don’t… I’m
trying,
” she said, taking Bella’s hand and squeezing it but not looking away from her eyes. “I’m trying to stay strong and just be happy, but I
can’t.
I don’t want this to happen.
I don’t want you to leave.”

Isabella smiled, sitting beside her and pulling Haruka’s head down onto her shoulder. “I don’t want to leave you, either. If I could stay I would, but it’s not my choice, and it’s not your choice. There are some things that we can’t change.”

“But it’s just… so
soon.
We barely got any time at all.” Haruka closed her eyes. “Less than a year… You won’t even… I won’t even be able to get you an anniversary gift.”

“I’m going to try to make it to the anniversary of our meeting,” Isabella said softly, looking at her. “That’s the day that my entire life changed, so that’s the most important. The day I met you will always be the most important day of my life. Besides… I already have your gift, though it isn’t finished yet.”

Haruka opened her eyes. “What…?”

“You can’t read it yet,” Bella said as she set the journal in her lap. “And I’m still writing it. It’s a book, almost completely full of things I’ve written – when I’m done, it will be full.” She looked at her. “It’s not our story, Haruka – I know you’ll always know every detail of our story by heart. No, this book… Every page, every line is something I’ve written for
you
– every thought I’ve had about you, every emotion I’ve felt throughout this whole journey, every dream. Basically, this journal is
me
, for you to have so that I can be there for you in spirit when I can no longer be there for you in body.”

Haruka picked it up gently, running a finger over the cover as if it were a treasure made of solid gold. “You… You did this?”

Isabella laid a hand on her cheek and turned her so that she met her eyes. “Haruka Saito, you mean more to me than I could
ever
describe in words, but I did my best because, since the day I met you, not a single thought in my mind has been about anything but making you happier. I will never stop regretting having to leave you so quickly, but not
once
will I regret meeting you in the first place. I hate the pain I’m going to cause you, and I swear I am going to take away as much of it as I can.” She shifted onto her knees and put her hands on either side of her head, making sure she didn’t look away. “We are
not done
. Do you hear me? I may die, and I don’t know the rules after that, but I’ve never cared for rules and I promise you that the
gods themselves
are not going to keep me from seeing you again, okay? This book… This book is just to get you through until that happens.”

Haruka laid her forehead against Isabella’s, closing her eyes and swallowing. “I don’t believe there’s another person like you in any realm in any universe.”

Isabella smiled. “No, you got the only one.” She slipped onto Haruka’s lap as the monk’s arms encircled her. “Promise me you’ll be strong for me, okay? Promise me you’ll fight. Promise me you won’t just give up.”

“I’ll try,” Haruka said as she buried her face in her hair. “I promise you I’ll try. But you better be there when I come looking.”

“Ruki… When have I ever let you down?”

IXH

One Week Later

The morning was grey and overcast, and the mood across the camp was somber. Haruka stood beside a carriage with Freya, watching with sad eyes as Isabella smiled, wiping away Suria’s tears as she stood before her. “Come on now, you’ve only just started. A young girl like you shouldn’t be so focused on the end of anything.”

Suria sniffed, wiping at her eyes. “I’m going to miss you, though. I feel like we only just met, but I won’t… get to see you again.”

“Nonsense,” Isabella said firmly, laying her hands on the younger woman’s shoulders. “You just have a long time to wait, that’s all. And when you see me again,
you’ll
be the one telling the stories. And you better have some good ones or I’ll be very disappointed.”

Suria smiled. “I will. I’ll become a new legend, and I’ll spread your name as well.”

Bella laughed softly. “I used to care about that… Now, I’ll be happy as long as
you
remember it.” She hugged her tightly before looking at Able and moving to him. Able wasn’t crying – he didn’t cry. This caused Bella to smile as she inspected his blank expression. “No tears for our goodbye, huh? You’re a tough one.”

Able tilted his head. “I could attempt to make my eyes water if you wished.”

“Oh, no, that’s alright.”

He nodded, but he held her gaze. “I’m disappointed that I won’t ever get a chance for a rematch when I’m strong enough to be able to beat you.”

“It’s probably better this way – it would be very sad to beat you after you worked so hard.”

Able smirked. “Sure.” Isabella laughed and turned away. “Bella.” She paused and looked back, and he glanced down before looking away, obviously irritated. “I’ll miss you,” he forced himself to admit. He jerked in surprise as she hugged him tightly, which seemed to irritate him further, but it didn’t bother her.

She pulled back and smiled at him. “I’ll miss you too. You look over Suria, ‘kay?” He nodded and she left him to stand before Dalgus and Ophelia. “You two… We never would have made it without your help,” she said. “Thank you for everything you did.”

Ophelia shrugged, looking away. “It wasn’t troublesome… You deserved it.”

Dalgus laughed and rubbed the back of his head. “Y’know, we only did what we’d do for any worthy friend.” He lowered his hand and smiled at her. “Honestly… Good luck, Enyo. I’m honored I got the chance to meet you.”

Isabella smiled at him. “I’m honored to have met a real leader. You’re going to create a lot of good in the world, even if you don’t know it…” She turned away, taking a few steps towards Haruka and Freya before looking back over her shoulder with a slight smile. “Stay.” Dalgus just smirked as she turned away once more, climbing into the carriage with help from Haruka and Freya. They climbed in after her and, as the door closed, she looked out of it at the others and began crying herself as it started moving. No one looked away until the carriage was out of sight.

IXH

Two Weeks Later

Isabella stood before Freya on the deck of the
Black Wake
, and this time she was unable to keep from crying. Even Freya, for once in her life, wasn’t bothering to prevent the few tears that left her eyes. She didn’t give a damn if anyone thought it odd. Finally it became too much for her and she stepped forward and pulled Isabella into the strongest hug she could, blinking rapidly. “I knew the second I saw you floatin’ on that dead ship that you were gonna cause me trouble.”

Isabella laughed, closing her eyes and hugging the pirate tightly. “I always heard stories about pirates – I didn’t expect my closest friend to be one.”

“The saltiest, toughest pirate on th’ seas,” Freya responded.

Isabella pulled back and smiled at her. “Then why are you crying?”

Freya ran a sleeve across her eyes. “That’s jus’ what you can do,” she said with a smile. “I ain’t never met a person like you, Isabella, an’ I don’t expect to again. An’ I gotta say, I’m a little relieved at that, ‘cause it ain’t good for my reputation.”

“Your reputation is different with me,” Isabella said softly. “You’ve been with us since the beginning. You put your life on the line for us more than once, you helped us through everything you could, and you set aside everything to keep us safe. You helped us out of every situation and you gave us a chance to fit in all the happiness we could. Everything we’ve had we owe to you, so while others might fear you, to me, you’ll always be a hero.”

Freya sniffed and wiped her eyes again. “Damn it, girl, stop doin’ this t’ me! I ain’t built for this,” she said with a laugh. She pulled her into yet another hug. “I’m gonna miss you more than I can say.”

Isabella returned it with what strength she could muster before stepping back and smiling gently. “So will I. Promise me you’ll look after Haruka for me, okay? She’s going to need you.”

Freya nodded. “You ain’t gotta worry about that. She’s got a place on my ship, an’ I’ll leave it for ‘er anytime. You just…” She trailed off and looked away.

Isabella smiled and kissed her cheek. “Goodbye, Freya,” she said before turning away, taking Haruka’s hand as they stepped off of the ship.

“Goodbye,” Freya responded quietly, keeping her eyes on the deck. She stood there for a long time before finally moving to the edge of the deck, gripping the railing tightly and hanging her head as her tears fell into the ocean below. “Damn it…”

IXH

They arrived in Stahl late in the morning, under an overcast sky that threatened rain later in the day. Isabella was walking slowly, but she smiled as they stepped into the borders of the town. “The banners and lights… Ruki, do you remember?”

Haruka smiled. “It’s the same festival.”

“It’s exactly one year to the day since we met,” Bella said with a fond look, guiding them through the town. They ended up in a familiar whitewood gazebo that was devoid of people, and Isabella smiled as she leaned on the edge, enjoying the cool air with tired eyes. “Haruka Saito,” she said softly. “I like it. It fits you, Haruka Saito.”

Haruka smiled, closing her eyes as she leaned on the rail beside her. “Fits?”

“Sharp, dangerous… A name for a fighter,” Isabella said with a loving look at her. “But it also has a lot of promise.”

“Promise?”

“Haru,” Bella said with a nod. “Ruka.” She gave a soft smile, speaking very softly. “Ruki.” She leaned into her as Haruka slipped an arm around her, sighing. “I love you, Ruki.”

“I love you too,” Haruka said, kissing her head gently.

Isabella moved to straighten up, but couldn’t; she tried to take a step and nearly fell, but Haruka’s panicked hands caught her. Isabella felt the world swim and her breath catch as she lost feeling in her body. “Haruka…”

Haruka lifted her fully. “Bella?” She checked her eyes, but they were closed. She checked her pulse – weak, but still there. With a speed born of fear the monk sprinted through the town and opened a door she’d opened once before.

The shock of the woman inside was familiar as well, but this time it was soon replaced with greater emotion. “Back room.” Haruka followed her directions and laid her wife down on the first bed they had shared, backing away from it and pacing as Vivian Heart checked over her. After a minute Vivian lowered her head, standing slowly and turning to Haruka. “I’m sorry… It seems like this is it. There’s nothing I can do.”

IXH

Haruka stood outside, waiting for Isabella to wake up. She couldn’t stare at her like that; she couldn’t watch her lay there so still and unmoving. Unsurprisingly, the expected rain had begun pouring, soaking the earth around her. She paced back and forth; she clenched and unclenched her hands. Without warning a scream of rage erupted from her throat as she spun and punched a wall, wishing it was something that would make a difference.

Shouldn’t she have accepted this by now? She’d known this was coming from the beginning, so why wasn’t she any closer to being ready for it? She wanted to push it back a year, a week, a
day
– anything,
any
extra time she could get she would take. But there was none.

She collapsed against the wall, crying, and stayed there until Vivian stepped outside. “She’s awake.” And Haruka stood and went inside, feeling her heart break further with each step.

When Isabella looked at her as she stepped into the room, she could see that the knight already knew the truth of it. “Ruki…” she said softly, giving a weak smile as she lifted her hand. Haruka approached and grasped it tightly and Bella moved a bit, inviting her to share the bed with her one more time, like they had in this very bed so long ago. Haruka climbed in, doing her best to keep control of her emotions as Isabella looked at her with loving grey eyes. “You’re crying already… That’s not supposed to happen yet.”