Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior and Feel Great Again (17 page)

Even in good relationships, this anger is bound to become an issue. Your anger comes out in destructive ways. It may be that you have been abusive or cruel to the people you love. This is the first thing that has to stop. It damages you almost as much as it damages them.

If you were sexually abused, the damage to your sexuality is bound to be an issue in romantic relationships. You are prone to feeling angry or emotionally dead during sex.

MADELINE: Sometimes I think I wouldn’t mind if sex weren’t a part of life. I don’t look forward to sleeping with men again. I just feel so shut-down during sex it makes me upset.

Madeline also had sado-masochistic sexual fantasies that disturbed her. The whole issue of sex was fraught with negative emotions.

These are the steps to changing your Mistrust and Abuse lifetrap.

CHANGING YOUR MISTRUST AND ABUSE LIFETRAP

1. If at all possible, see a therapist to help you with this lifetrap, particularly if you have been sexually or physically abused.
   
2. Find a friend you trust (or your therapist). Do imagery. Try to recall memories of abuse. Relive each incident in detail.
   
3. While doing imagery, vent your anger at your abuser(s). Stop feeling helpless in the image.
   
4. Stop blaming yourself. You did not deserve the abuse.
   
5. Consider reducing or stopping contact with your abuser(s) while you work on this lifetrap.
   
6. If it is possible, when you are ready, confront your abuser face-to-face, or send a letter.
   
7. Stop tolerating abuse in your current relationships.
   
8. Try to trust and get closer to people who deserve it.
   
9. Try to become involved with a partner who respects your rights and does not want to hurt you.
   
10. Do not abuse the people close to you.
    

1. If At All Possible, See a Therapist to Help You with This Lifetrap, Particularly if You Have Been Sexually or Physically Abused.
If your lifetrap is severe, we do not want you to tackle it alone. Mistrust and Abuse is one of the most powerful lifetraps. It leads to extreme symptoms and problems in relationships. It is also one of the most difficult to change.

An attempt to change through a self-help book will probably not be enough. Perhaps if you have a milder strain of the lifetrap, you can make headway just by reading this chapter. But if you were seriously abused as a child, you should seek help from a therapist.

In addition, if possible, join a self-help group for adult survivors of incest or abuse. There are groups like this all over the country. There are also some excellent books that are tailored specifically for survivors of abuse. One well-known book is
Courage To Heal,
by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis.

You need a safe place to remember. A therapist can give you that safe place.

2. Find a Friend You Trust (Or Your Therapist). Do Imagery. Try to Recall Memories of Abuse. Relive Each Incident in Detail.
Remembering is the most painful part. It is the part for which you particularly need the support of a therapist or someone you trust. The images of being physically, verbally, and sexually abused are frightening. The feelings that come up can be overwhelming. A therapist or friend can contain your feelings and help make the experience a healing one.

You have powerful reasons for not wanting to remember. One is what it will mean about your parent.

FRANK: It’s so hard for me to accept that my dad was such a lousy parent. I always figured he had reasons for what he did. He was overworked, my mother was a nag, I kept getting into trouble.

THERAPIST: Your desire to believe you had a good father is very strong.

FRANK: Yeah. I mean, if I thought he did all this to me for no reason, how could I have anything more to do with him?

For Frank to admit he had a bad parent was very upsetting. Viewing his father as good allowed him to maintain the relationship and was one of the things that enabled him to tolerate the abuse in the first place.

Another reason you do not want to remember is that the feelings are so painful. You may have gone to enormous lengths to tune out and numb yourself to your memories. It was emotional protection to keep yourself sane. To let that go is very scary.

It took Frank months of therapy to get to the point where he was willing to explore his abuse through imagery. But once he was willing, the images came right away.

THERAPIST: Close your eyes and give us an image from your childhood.

FRANK: I see myself and my father. My father looks huge. I’m about seven years old. I’m standing there shaking. My father is yelling at me. (Imitates father’s voice) „ I’ll teachyou, you little brat!“ He’s got the belt out, and I’m so scared that I pee in my pants.

At first Frank could not believe all his memories. „Maybe I made it up,“ he would say, or „Maybe they’re just fantasies.“ It was a battle to get him to accept that his memories were true.

You will find that, once you feel safe, the images will come. You will remember it all, and experience that pain. And in experiencing the pain, you will start to heal.

3. While Doing Imagery, Vent Your Anger at Your Abuser(s). Stop Feeling Helpless in the Image.
Strike back at your abuser. Imagine yourself stronger, older, or well-armed, so you can express your anger. Stop being that helpless child. Bang on a pillow or telephone books while you do this.

THERAPIST: What do you see in the image?

FRANK: We’re in the kitchen. My father is beating up on my younger brother. He’s really out of control. My mother is standing in the corner screaming.

THERAPIST: I want you to freeze the image for a moment.

FRANK:
Okay.

THERAPIST: Now turn to your father and tell him what he’s doing that’s wrong.

FRANK: I can’t. It’s too dangerous. (Seems to collapse into his chair.)

THERAPIST: I understand. You’re not powerful enough. Let’s do something to help you. I want you to grow up in the image, until you are as big as you are now.

FRANK:
Okay.

THERAPIST: Now tell him. Tell him what he’s doing wrong. You can hit the couch with your fists as you talk.

FRANK: Okay. I step between him and my little brother, and shove him back against the wall. I look down into his face. He looks nervous. (Punches the couch.)

I tell him, „Hey, big man, beating up a five-year-old. You must be a worm inside to get your kicks like this. A sleazy worm. You’re vile. I hate you. (Punches the couch.) If you ever touch my brother again I’ll beat you within an inch of your life.“

THERAPIST: How did that feell?

FRANK: (smiles) Great.

This exercise is one of empowering yourself. It will help free you from the domination of your abuser. At some level you are still operating in the world as a frightened child. We want you to claim the power of an adult. You no longer have to submit to your abuser.

4. Stop Blaming Yourself You Did Not Deserve the Abuse. Stop making excuses for your abuser.
You were not at fault. You were a helpless child. You did the best you could under the circumstances. It is important to be crystal-clear on this issue.
No child deserves to be abused.

MADELINE: I know I shouldn’t sleep with guys right away. It makes me feel dirty. But I feel dirty anyway, like I’m damaged goods. Who could really want me, except for a one-night stand?

THERAPIST: It upsets us to see you blame yourself this way. It was your stepfather who was dirty, not you.

No matter what you were made to feel, the abuse did not happen because you were bad. That was just a convenient excuse. Victimizes always devalue their victims. Awake from your feelings of defectiveness. Find the good child within you. Feel sympathy for this wounded child.

THERAPIST: I want you to bring yourself into the image as an adult, and help the child.

MADELINE: (sighs) I bring myself in. The child Madeline is lying on the couch with him. Her eyes look dead. I pick her up and carry her out of the room. I take her outside, far away. I sit down with her in my arms, and I just rock her.

Get angry at the parent who did not protect you. This is part of the picture too. Direct the anger away from yourself. Stop dealing with your anger in self-destructive ways—by eating, or becoming addicted, or by feeling depressed and empty. Use your anger to make you stronger.

5. Consider Reducing or Stopping Contact with Your Abuser(s) While You Work on This Lifetrap.
We find that patients generally make better progress when they cut off contact with their abusers. Some patients cut contact off temporarily, and others cut it off forever. The eventual relationship you want with your abuser is wholly your decision. It is also your decision whether you tell your abuser why you are stopping contact.

But, at least for a while, in the beginning stages of healing, it is often best to sever contact. Your abuser is a powerful reinforcer of your lifetrap. He or she gives you all the wrong messages—that you are helpless, a victim, defective, at fault.

FRANK: When Adrienne and I had dinner with my parents, I felt like such a jerk. Right away. We sat down at the table, and I immediately knocked over my glass of water. My pants got soaked. My father started catting me spastic and laughing at me. I felt like a worm.

THERAPIST: What did you do when he said that?

FRANK: Nothing. I got kind of quiet. I was quiet for the rest of the meal.

It is hard to heal in that toxic environment.

6. If It is Possible
,
When You Are Ready, Confront Your Abuser Face-to-Face, or Send a Letter.
This exercise is also about empowering yourself. Until you confront your abuser, some part of you will remain a helpless child—unable to protect yourself in a world of malevolent adults. Part of you will still be afraid. But you are not a helpless child anymore. You
can
stand up to your abuser.

FRANK: I did it Saturday. I invited my father over to my apartment. I figured it would go better on my turf. As soon as he got there, I started in.

I told him that he had abused me and my brother, and that his behavior showed him to be a butty and a coward. I told him that I hated him for what he had done, and did not want to speak to him again until I said so, maybe never. I told him he was a selfish, infantile, weak man. I told him it was a tie that I in any way deserved his abuse. I told him everything.

THERAPIST: How did it feel?

FRANK: I never felt better in my life.

State what the abuser did to you. Bring it out in the open. You will feel relief. Stand up and say, „You did this to me,“ „I won’t permit it anymore,“ and „I’m furious at you.“

Madeline was no longer in contact with her stepfather, but she wrote him a letter:

Dad,

When I was a child you took advantage of my normal need for love and affection. I was especially vulnerable. My own father had died and my mother was hooked on drugs. There was no one to protect me.

The thing that hurts me the most is that I really loved you.

At first you were so wonderful to me. You gave me love and I was thirsty for love.

It was so hard for me to believe that it was all fake, but it was.

You were using me. If you cared about me, you could never have done what you did.

Now I hate you. You have damaged my ability to love and robbed me of the joy of my sexuality. These are things that were rightfully mine and you took them. You made me hate myself don’t ever want you to contact me again.

Madeline

Whether you intend to send it or not, writing such a letter is a good exercise. It can be a cleansing process. For one thing, it states your vision of the truth. This is an important validation of yourself. It can also be a rehearsal for a later face-to-face confrontation. In the letter, tell the person what they did that was wrong. Tell how it made you feel, and how you wished it could have been instead.

Madeline confronted her mother in person. Her mother was still addicted to drugs.

MADELINE: I told her I considered her use of drugs a selfish act that had hurt me deeply. It had left me without a mother. I told her she had abandoned me when I was too young to take care of myself And because of this I had been sexually abused by one of her husbands for many years.

THERAPIST: How did it feel?

MADELINE: It was upsetting but it was good. It made me feel better.

Of course she just started making her usual excuses and denials. But I wasn’t going to let her get to me. I just turned around and left the room.

don’t know when I’ll call her again.

Get support from someone you can trust as you do this. This is most important, since in all likelihood your abuser will deny responsibility. In our experience, most of the time when there has been serious abuse, the parent denies it.
You must be prepared for this possibility.

The important thing is that you are stating the truth. The success of the confrontation does not depend on how your abuser responds. Rather, the success is in what the confrontation does for you—how it makes you feel strong and good about yourself.

7. Stop Tolerating Abuse in Your Current Relationships.
We have to combat your fatal attraction to abusive partners.

MADELINE: I spent my whole early twenties going out with psychopaths, creeps, drug addicts, and liars.

Look at your current relationships. Write down the ways in which you still permit yourself to be abused—hit, manipulated, put down, humiliated, raped. This all must stop. You cannot heal while your lifetrap is being reinforced. Starting this moment, we do not want you to allow anyone to abuse you ever again.

If your abuser is a partner or friend, there is a small chance he or she can change. You can give the person one chance. Stand up for your rights. Protect yourself. Stop blocking your anger—express it. Confront the person. Do not become aggressive yourself. Stay assertive and controlled.