Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior and Feel Great Again (42 page)

Rebels are not actually any more free than other subjugated people. They do not freely choose their interests or relationships; choices are made for them by the people they are rebelling against. Through an insistence on disregarding the rules, they are just as bound to them as the person who obeys them. They fit the punch line of that joke, „Why did the teenagers cross the road?“—“Because somebody told them
not
to.“

Rose: Nineteen ye
a
rs old, exerts such tight control
OVER HER EATING THAT SHE IS ANOREXIC.

Some people make up for their feelings of subjugation by engaging in excessive
self-
control. Because they feel out of control of most areas of their lives, they seize control of some aspect of themselves. This is what happened to Rose, who has the eating disorder known as
anorexia nervosa.
Rose has starved herself until she has become excessively thin, all the while insisting that she is still too fat.

When we look at her family, we see that her mother has always dominated her and treated her like a child. Rose has learned to ignore her own needs and to conform to the wishes of her mother.

ROSE: I’ve always been a „goodgirl“ I’ve always been obedient.No one in my family can believe I’m causing problems.

FATHER: It’s really true. If anything, she’s always been too perfect.

Rose has suppressed her own needs so often that she is no longer aware of what they are. She has great difficulty identifying her feelings and finds many of her inner states confusing.

The one area in which Rose feels in charge—the one area in which she exerts control—is her weight. She controls her weight with a vengeance. She and her mother are locked in battle constantly about how much food she eats. Rose is Counterattacking against her mother’s control of her life by maintaining rigid control over her intake of food. Food becomes the battleground for control between Rose and her mother. Through the symptoms of anorexia, she rebels against her mother, and unknowingly reenacts her Subjugation lifetrap.

ORIGINS OF THE SUBJUGATION LIFETRAP

1. Your parents tried to dominate or control almost every aspect of your life.
   
2. Your parent(s) punished, threatened, or got angry at you when you would not do things
   their
   way.
   
3. Your parent(s) withdrew emotionally or cut off contact with you if you disagreed with them about how to do things.
   
4. Your parents tried to dominate or control almost every aspect of your life.
   
5. Because your mother/father was not around enough, or was not capable enough, you ended up taking care of the rest of the family.
   
6. Your parent(s) always talked to you about their personal problems, so that you were always in the role of listener.
   
7. Your parent(s) made you feel guilty or selfish if you would not do what they wanted.
   
8. Your parents) were like martyrs or saints—they selflessly took care of everyone else and denied their own needs.
   
9. You did not feel that your rights, needs, or opinions were respected when you were a child.
   
10. You had to be very careful about what you did or said as a child, because you worried about your mother’s/father’s tendency to become worried or depressed.
    
11. You often felt angry at your parent(s) for not giving you the freedom that other children had.
    

When you were a child, the people close to you subjugated you. They might have been parents, siblings, peers, or others. However, if Subjugation is one of your primary lifetraps, it was probably your mother or father, since parents are the most important figures in a young child’s life.

As a child, you may only have had a vague awareness of your subjugation. You may have sensed that you were resentful toward one or both your parents, or that you felt oppressed. Even as an adult you may not fully realize the extent of your childhood subjugation. Sometimes, through therapy, patients with this lifetrap begin to understand the subjugation process, and gain insight into how much they were subjugated as

When you were a child, the people close to you subjugated you. They might have been parents, siblings, peers, or others. However, if Subjugation is one of your primary lifetraps, it was probably your mother or father, since parents are the most important figures in a young child’s life.

As a child, you may only have had a vague awareness of your subjugation. You may have sensed that you were resentful toward one or both your parents, or that you felt oppressed. Even as an adult you may not fully realize the extent of your childhood subjugation. Sometimes, through therapy, patients with this lifetrap begin to understand the subjugation process, and gain insight into how much they were subjugated as

When you were a child, the people close to you subjugated you. They might have been parents, siblings, peers, or others. However, if Subjugation is one of your primary lifetraps
, it
was probably your mother or father, since parents are the most important figures in a young child’s life.

As a child, you may only have had a vague awareness of your subjugation. You may have sensed that you were resentful toward one or
both your parents, or that you felt oppressed. Even as an adult you may
not fully
realize the extent of your childhood subjugation. Sometimes, through therapy, patients with this lifetrap begin to understand the subjugation process, and gain insight into how much they were subjugated as
children. They often become very angry. If this happens to you, it is important to realize that there is a great deal of variation in the motivations of parents who subjugate their children.

At the extreme negative end, there is the abusive parent who subjugates the child out of selfishness, such as Mary Ellen’s father. Such parents try to maintain total control of their children through punishment or withdrawal of love. The child must subjugate in order to survive.

MARY ELLEN: The other night, I was watching [my father] with my daughter. I was watching and knowing that he had done the same exact thing to me. He was making her ask to be excused from the table over and over. He didn’t like the way she had asked to be excused. And she was only four! My daughter was crying, and the more she cried, the more he yelled at her.

If you were brought up by a parent who was abusive, used drugs or alcohol, was mentally ill, or had other serious problems, you may have been subjugated in this extreme fashion. Such parents place their needs first, above the needs of their children, and lack empathy. They do great damage to their children. If you were a child of such a parent, it is almost certain that you have a strong Subjugation lifetrap. You might consider therapy as a way to overcome it.

Near the middle of the Subjugation continuum, one of your parents may have criticized or reprimanded you whenever you expressed any individuality. This is what happened to Carlton. Whenever Carlton made demands, his father called him weak and selfish.

CARLTON: I really don’t know what I would like to do if Heft my father’s business and went out on my own.

THERAPIST: Was there anything you liked as a child, something that was special to you?

CARLTON: There was something. As a child I loved to play the piano. But my father didn’t like it. He thought it wasn’t macho enough. He made fun of me. He wouldn’t let me take lessons. What he wanted was for me to play sports. He used to force me to try out for the teams. I never made any. He used to get so mad at me for being such a busy athlete.

Carlton’s father wanted a son formed in his own image. When Carlton resisted, he criticized him. After a while, Carlton learned that he was bad to have needs of his own. He carried this feeling with him so that later, as

an adult, he became intensely self-critical whenever he wanted to assert himself.

Carlton married a woman similar to his father. Erica also has her ideas about what he should be. She scolds him whenever he deviates. In a familiar vein, she complains if he sits down to play the piano and pushes him to be more aggressive at work. Although Carlton is angry at her, he does not display it. Instead, he acts apologetic all the time and meekly submits. He does the same with other people. Carlton allows other people to subjugate him, and thus continues the process started by his father long ago.

Carlton’s self-sacrifice originated in his relationship with his mother as well. Throughout much of Carlton’s childhood, his mother was sick and confined to bed. She was depressed and needy.

CARLTON: I tried to keep her company, keep her happy. She was so down all the time. I would stay with her instead of going outside to play. I remember I could hear the other kids playing outside as I sat in her room.

THERAPIST: What would you do for her?

CARLTON: Oh, read to her, or talk. Bring her food and try to get her to eat.

THERAPIST: It must have been hard for you to give up playing with your friends.

CARLTON: Oh, I don’t remember minding it that much.

Carlton did not develop a tremendous amount of anger at his mother because she did not
force
him to sacrifice for her. He did it because she needed him. But underneath he had a strong sense of deprivation.

The histories of Carlton and Mary Ellen express just a few of the forms subjugation can take in childhood. Since this is such a common lifetrap, we will tell you about a few more.

Sh
a
nnon: Twenty-four ye
a
rs old. She is
a
„
good girl
“
WHO DOES WHAT HER MOTHER AND HUSBAND TELL HER.

Shannon’s parents seemed to mean well, but were overprotective. Her mother wanted to shield her from the consequences of making any wrong decisions.

SHANNON: My mother made all my decisions for me. And, like a good girl, I went along. She decided who my friends were, who I dated, where I went to school, what I wore, what games I played, everything you could think of.

Her mother controlled her, but in a subtle way. When Shannon rebelled and asserted herself, her mother undermined her confidence by implying that she was not capable of making her own choices.

In addition to Subjugation, she also developed a Dependence lifetrap (see Chapter 10). Her inability to make decisions reflects both Dependence and Subjugation. As an adult, Shannon still allows others to make all her decisions. Anthony, her husband, complains:

ANTHONY: She has no initiative. I’m always the one who decides where to go for dinner, what show to watch, where to go on vacation, and what projects to do in the house. When we sit around with a bunch of friends trying to decide what to do for the evening, it’s never Shannon who finally says, „Let’s go to the movies.“ And when I ask her what she wants to do, she always says, „I don’t care, whatever you want is fine.“ SHANNON: Well, I really don’t care. I really have no preference.

As in her relationship with her mother, when Shannon does make a suggestion, her husband ridicules her. When this happens, she collapses back into her subjugation.

Willi
a
m: Thirty-seven ye
a
rs old. As
a
child, he served
AS A PARENT TO HIS OWN ALCOHOLIC MOTHER.

In an all-too-common scenario in cases of children of alcoholics, William devoted much of his life to taking care of his alcoholic mother. As a very young child, he developed self-sacrifice as a means of preserving an attachment to his mother—by keeping her intact, he could insure that she would be available to him. He took care of his mother. He was the parentified child.

WILLIAM: I did the shopping. I cooked the meals. I called her boss and made up lies to cover for her when she was too hung over to go to work. There were a lot of times that I told them I was sick at school, when I was just staying home to nurse my mother. I tried so hard to get her to stop drinking. I hid her scotch. I measured how much she was drinking. I used to mark the bottles before I went to bed. I begged her to get help.

THERAPIST: Didn’t anyone try to help you?

WILLIAM: No. Once in a while my aunts and uncles would ask what was going on, but I would lie and tell them everything was fine. I knew they didn’t really want to know.

As an adult, William still tries to save other people. He is a doctor. He has learned to channel his talent for self-sacrifice productively into his work.

In his personal life, William has more trouble. He is co-dependent. His pattern is to seek out needy people, particularly alcoholic women, and form self-sacrificing relationships with them. He has helped himself to overcome this self-destructive pattern by joining a support group for children of alcoholics. His relationship with his current girlfriend is healthier. He is able to assert his needs, and, when he does, his girlfriend is responsive. William is learning that it is healthier for him to form relationships in which his needs have a chance of being met.

Perhaps you have seen yourself in one of these stories. Perhaps your story is somewhat different. There are many childhood paths that lead to the development of a Subjugation lifetrap. The crucial factor is that, for reasons that were beyond your control at the time, you were subjugated. And now in adulthood, though your circumstances have changed, you continue to subjugate yourself to the people in your life, either through submission or self-sacrifice.

DANGER SIGNALS IN POTENTIAL PARTNERS

1. Your partner is domineering and expects to have things his/her way.
   
2. Your partner has a very strong sense of self and knows exactly what he/she wants in most situations.
   
3. Your partner becomes irritated or angry when you disagree or attend to your own needs.
   
4. Your partner does not respect your opinions, needs, or rights.
   
5. Your partner pouts or pulls away from you when you do things your way.
   
6. Your partner is easily hurt or upset, so you feel you have to take care of him/her.
   
7. You have to watch what you do or say carefully because your partner drinks a lot or has a bad temper.
   
8. Your partner is not very competent or together, so you end up having to do a lot of the work.
   
9. Your partner is irresponsible or unreliable, so you have to be overly responsible and reliable.
   
10. You let your partner make most of the choices because most of the time you do not feel strongly one way or the other.
    
11. Your partner makes you feel guilty or accuses you of being selfish when you ask to do something your way.
    
12. Your partner becomes sad, worried, or depressed easily, so you end up doing most of the listening.
    
13. Your partner is very needy and dependent on you.