Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior and Feel Great Again (48 page)

You probably have little time left to spend with the people you love. If you are single, you neglect your friends and lovers; if you are married, you neglect your family. You just do not have the time. You are too busy working, or putting the house in order, or advancing your status. You keep thinking that the time will come when you can relax and find a partner or spend time with your spouse and children. Meanwhile life slips by, and your emotional life is empty.

When you do spend time with the people you love, you are apt to do so in that same pressured, relentless way. Pamela schedules time each day to spend with her children, but she does not enjoy it, and neither do her children.

CRAIG: Pamela is always on the kids’ backs about something. I think she puts too much pressure on them. Look at our daughter, Kate. She has headaches and stomachaches. She’s only in third grade, and already she’s worried about how she’s doing at school.

Unrelenting Standards are passed down through generations in this way. Your parents give them to you, and you give them to your children. Even your time with your children is spent pushing. You do not stop to appreciate them. This deprives you of pleasure and contributes to their unhappiness.

It is not unusual for someone with this lifetrap to take on a large project, then become paralyzed and unable to get started. The procrastinator is often someone with Unrelenting Standards. The level at which you expect to perform is so high that it is overwhelming. The more invested you are in a project, the more likely it is that you will put it off. At some point, you may even collapse and stop functioning. You just cannot stand the thought of having to meet those expectations again.

Because of your Unrelenting Standards, you rarely feel
content.
The dogged pursuit of your standards destroys your chances for positive feelings like love, peace, happiness, pride, or relaxation. Instead you feel irritation, frustration, disappointment, and, of course, pressure. It is time for you to wake up to what your standards are costing you. Is it really worth it?

Here are the steps to changing your lifetrap:

CHANGING UNRELENTING STANDARDS

1. List the areas in which your standards may be unbalanced or unrelenting.
   
2. List the
   advantages
   of trying to meet these standards on a daily basis.
   
3. List the
   disadvantages
   of pushing so hard in these areas.
   
4. Try to conjure an image of what your life would be like
   without
   these pressures.
   
5. Understand the origins of your lifetrap.
   
6. Consider what the effects would be if you lowered your standards about 25 percent.
   
7. Try to
   quantify
   the time you devote to maintaining your standards.
   
8. Try to determine what reasonable standards are by getting a consensus or objective opinion from people who seem more balanced.
   
9. Gradually try to change your schedule or alter your behavior in order to get your
   deeper
   needs met.
   

1. List the Areas in Which Your Standards May Be Unbalanced or Unrelenting.
Depending on whether you are Compulsive, Achievement Oriented, or Status Oriented, your list might include keeping things in order, cleanliness, work, money, creature comforts, beauty, athletic performance, popularity, status, or fame. It could be any area of your life where you feel a sense of constant pressure.

2. List the Advantages of Trying to Meet These Standards on a Daily Basis.
The advantages will almost certainly have to do with your level of success. They are the benefits that accrue from
having
order, achievement, status. These benefits can be impressive. Our culture provides a great deal of reinforcement for people with Unrelenting Standards. Here is Keith’s list:

ADVANTAGES OF MY UNRELENTING STANDARDS

1. I can buy what I want.
   
2. I feel special.
   
3. People are jealous of me and want what I have.
   
4. I can have almost any woman I want.
   
5. I move in desirable social circles.
   

On the surface, Keith seems to have a lot. However, what he has does not make him happy. He does not enjoy any of it. He is perpetually discontent. Keith is always looking toward the next purchase, the next woman, the next step up the social ladder. Nothing he has satisfies him.

Here is Pamela’s list of advantages.

ADVANTAGES OF MV UNRELENTING STANDARDS

1. I make a lot of money.
   
2. I am almost at the top of my field.
   
3. I have won awards and prizes.
   
4. My house looks almost perfect most of the time.
   
5. My house runs in an orderly way.
   
6. My performance level as an anesthesiologist is high.
   

Once again, the advantages are powerful. Pamela has achieved a great deal and deserves to be proud. But still, the fact remains that she is not happy. Instead, she feels a constant pressure to keep performing.

This is probably true of you as well. You may seem to benefit a great deal from your high standards, but in truth you are unhappy. What good is having a spotless and perfect house when you are running yourself ragged to keep it that way and resenting everyone who gets in your way? What good is a top-level job when it leaves no time in your life for pleasure and love? What good are your creature comforts when you are too exhausted to enjoy them?

3. List the Disadvantages of Pushing So Hard in These Areas.
The disadvantages are all the negative consequences, all the things you sacrifice along the way. They may include your health, happiness, desire to relax, and mood. As you make your list, consider the quality of your emotional life—how your Unrelenting Standards affect your relationships with family, loved ones, and friends.

This is Pamela’s list of disadvantages:

DISADVANTAGES OF MY UNRELENTING STANDARDS

1. I am physically exhausted.
   
2. I don’t have any fun.
   
3. My marriage is suffering.
   
4. I put too much pressure on my children. I don’t enjoy being with my children. They seem afraid of me.
   
5. I’ve let a lot of close friendships go.
   
6. I don’t have any time for myself.
   

Keith’s list of disadvantages had two items.

DISADVANTAGES OF MY UNRELENTING STANDARDS

1. My health is suffering.
   
2. I’m not happy.
   

Now you have to weigh the advantages and disadvantages, and decide what makes the most sense. Do the advantages make it all worthwhile? Or do the disadvantages clearly outweigh the advantages?

4. Try to Conjure an Image of What Your Life Would Be without These Pressures.
Sometime when you are under pressure, when you feel that familiar drive, stop and imagine what it could mean to your life to let some of that pressure go. Sit back and close your eyes, and let an image come. What else might you be doing that is really more important in life? When Keith did this exercise, he realized that being seen with the perfect woman (Sheila) was not as gratifying as the fun he could have been having with Beth:

KEITH: I was at a dinner party with Sheila the other night, and I kept thinking of Beth. I knew it made more sense to be there with Sheila, she’s better looking than Beth, she’s richer. It’s better to be seen with Sheila. But I kept wishing I was there with Beth anyway. It would have been more fun.

This exercise can help you understand that the disadvantages of your life are directly linked to your Unrelenting Standards. If you lowered your standards, you could eliminate many of these disadvantages.

5. Understand the Origins of Your Lifetrap.
How did your Unrelenting Standards originate? Did you have a parent who gave you conditional love? Were your parents models of Unrelenting Standards? As we have noted, this lifetrap might well be tied to others in your childhood. Your Unrelenting Standards might be part of another lifetrap which is closer to the core, such as Defectiveness, Social Exclusion, or Emotional Deprivation.

6. Consider What the Effects Would Be If You Lowered Your Standards about 25 Percent.
First, we have to attack the all-or-nothing thinking that goes along with Unrelenting Standards. You believe that something is either perfect or a failure. You cannot imagine just doing something well. On a scale from 0 to 100, if your performance is not 100, or maybe 98 or 99, then it might as well be 0, the way it feels to you. You have to learn that it is possible to do something 80 percent or 70 percent and still do a very good job. You can still take pride in your work. Between perfection and failure there is a whole gray area.

PAMELA: I was making lasagna for a dinner party the other night. Craig’s parents were coming over. Well, I used a store-bought sauce. It was really hard for me to do that. I kept feeling guilty all night, like whenever someone complimented me on the lasagna, I felt guilty, like I didn’t really deserve it.

I really worked with myself about it. I kept telling myself that the dinner party was beautiful, that it didn’t matter in the whole picture that I had used a store-bought sauce.

If you could settle for this lower level instead of insisting on perfection, you would still get a lot of the same rewards in terms of career advancement, financial success, praise, or status without having to pay such a heavy price. You would have to make
some
sacrifice in terms of these rewards, but the sacrifice would be greatly outweighed by the advantages of less stress, a healthier body, more time to relax, a happier mood, and better relationships.

7. Try to Quantify the Time You Devote to Maintaining Your Standards.
One technique you can use is time management. Make a time chart, in which you allot time for each project that you have to do during the day. You are not allowed to spend any more time than is allotted for the project and must tolerate whatever level of success you have achieved when the time period is over.

Pamela used this technique to write a journal article. She allotted six hours to write the paper.

PAMELA: And at the end of the six hours, that was it The paper had to stay as it was, with no more perfecting of it. It was hard for me. There was so much I still wanted to do. But what stopped me was remembering my children. It was more important that I spend time with them.

When you are deciding how much time to allocate for each project, be sure to consider how
important
the goal is to your overall happiness; then, allocate the most time to the areas of your life that are most important. People with Unrelenting Standards often lose their sense of perspective; all tasks become equally important. You may devote as much time to making a plane reservation as you do to writing an important report. You may apportion your time based on how long it takes you to finish a task perfectly, regardless of how much impact the task has on your quality of life.

Pamela had estimated it would take twenty hours to do her paper perfectly. But her family is more important to her than her paper, so she decided to allot more time to her family and less to the paper.

Through this process, we hope you will learn that perfection is not worth
any
price. You can stop
before
the point of perfection, and your life can go on much as before, only better. Allot a reasonable amount of time to complete each task; then accept whatever level of achievement you have attained at the end of that time period. Otherwise, the time you take to do things constantly expands, and your life spins rapidly out of control.

8. Try to Determine What Reasonable Standards Are by Getting a Consensus or Objective Opinion from People Who Seem More Balanced.
This is one function we serve for our patients with Unrelenting Standards. We can offer a more objective opinion about reasonable standards, or help the patient think through how to get more objective opinions. It is important that you do this as well, because unbalanced standards do not
feel
unbalanced to you. You cannot trust yourself in this matter. Ask other people what they feel is reasonable. If there are people in your life who seem to lead balanced lives, who seem to have high standards but still manage to enjoy life, ask them how much time they spend working, relaxing, with family, with friends, exercising, vacationing, and sleeping. Try to map out the structure of a more balanced life.

9. Gradually Try to Change Your Schedule or Alter Your Behavior in Order to Get Your Deeper Needs Met.
Gradually change your life until it matches this more balanced structure. This is what Pamela and Keith both tried to do. Pamela made excellent use of time management techniques. She restricted the time she spent working at the hospital and turned over responsibility for some of her research projects to an assistant professor in her department. She learned how to
delegate.
She began spending more time with her husband and children. She started hiking and spending more time outdoors—although, as you might imagine, she had to resist becoming perfectionistic about this.

PAMELA: Once I started to let go a little in my career; I immediately saw that my life was better. I just became a much happier person. Everyone is happier. And that’s what keeps me going. That’s what helps me keep letting go.

Pamela carries this flashcard around to remind her: „I can lower my standards without having to feel like a failure. I can do things moderately well, feel good about them, and not have to keep trying to perfect them.“ For Keith, changing meant something different. It meant shifting his perspective entirely about what was really important to him. Meeting Beth was one of the primary catalysts. Keith surprised himself and actually fell in love with Beth.

KEITH: Spending time with Beth feels like the lifting of a weight. I just find myself wanting to spend a quiet evening with Beth, just cooking dinner or going to a movie. That whole social scene, I just don’t care as much about it anymore.