Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior and Feel Great Again (6 page)

Our childhood does not have to be perfect for us to be reasonably welladjusted adults. It just has to be, as D. W. Winnicott said, „good enough.“ A child has certain core needs for basic safety, connection to others, autonomy, self-esteem, self-expression, and realistic limits. If these are met, then the child will usually thrive psychologically. It is when there are serious shortfalls in meeting the child’s needs that problems develop. These shortfalls are what we mean by lifetraps.

WHAT WE NEED TO THRIVE

1. Basic Safety
   
2. Connection to Others
   
3. Autonomy
   
4. Self-Esteem
   
5. Self-Expression
   
6. Realistic Limits
   

Some lifetraps are more core than others. Basic Safety lifetraps are the most core. They begin early. Even an infant can have them. To an infant, feeling safe is absolutely central. It is a matter of life and death.

Basic Safety lifetraps involve a child’s treatment by
his or her own family.
The threat of abandonment or abuse comes from those who are most intimate—from those who are supposed to love us, take care of us, and protect us.

People who were abused or abandoned as children are the most damaged. There is nowhere they feel safe. They feel that at any moment something terrible might happen—someone they love might hurt them or leave them. They feel vulnerable and fragile. It takes very little to disrupt their equilibrium. Their moods are intense and erratic, and they are impulsive and self-destructive.

A child needs a secure, stable family environment. In a safe home, parents are predictably available. They are physically and emotionally there for the child. No one is being mistreated. Fighting is within normal bounds. No one dies or leaves the child alone for long periods.

Patrick, the man whose wife kept having affairs, did not have a stable home as a child. His mother was an alcoholic.

PATRICK: Some nights she didn’t even come home. She just wouldn’t show up. And we’d all know where she was, though no one would talk about it. And when she was home, it didn’t matter. She was either drunk, hung over, or getting drunk.

If you had a parent who was a severe alcoholic, then your need for safety was almost certainly not fully met.

We might say that Patrick, as an adult, is
addicted
to instability. Unstable situations draw him like a magnet. Particularly, he feels a lot of attraction to unstable women. He feels a lot of
chemistry.
These are the women with whom he falls in love.

A child who feels safe can relax and trust. A core feeling of safety underlies everything. Without that feeling, little else is possible. We cannot proceed to other developmental tasks. So much energy is taken up with worrying about safety issues that there is little left.

Unsafe childhood situations are the most dangerous to repeat. You end up rushing headlong from one self-destructive relationship to another. Or you avoid relationships altogether, like Madeline did in her post-college years.

To develop a sense of connection, we need love, attention, empathy, respect, affection, understanding, and guidance. We need these things from both our family and our peers.

There are two forms of connection to others. The first involves
intimacy.
Usually intimate relationships are those with family, lovers, and very good friends. They are our closest emotional ties. In our most intimate relationships, we feel the kind of connection that one feels with a mother or father. The second form involves our
social
connections. This is a sense of
belonging,
of fitting into the larger social world. Social relationships are those with circles of friends and with groups in the community.

Connection problems can be subtle. You can look like you fit in perfectly well. You might have a family, loved ones, or be part of the community. Yet, deep down you feel disconnected. You feel alone, and long for a kind of relationship that you do not have. Only someone astute would notice that you are not really connecting with the people around you. You keep people at a little bit of a distance. You do not let anyone come too close. Or your problems may be more extreme. You may be a loner—a person who has always been alone.

Jed, the man described in the first chapter who is dissatisfied with one woman after another, has serious intimacy problems. He
recoils
from intimacy. He keeps even his closest relationships superficial. When he first started therapy, he could not name a single person to whom he felt close.

Jed grew up in an emotional vacuum. He barely knew his father, and his mother was cold and distant. There was no communication of feelings and no physical affection. We say there are three types of childhood deprivation: nurturance, empathy, and guidance. Jed was deprived of all three.

If you have connection problems, then loneliness is an issue for you. You may feel that no one really knows you deeply and cares about you (the Emotional Deprivation lifetrap). Or you may feel isolated from the world, that you do not fit in anywhere (the Social Exclusion lifetrap). It is a feeling of emptiness—a hunger for connection.

Autonomy is the ability to separate from our parents and function independently in the world, comparable to other people our own age. It is the ability to leave the house, have a life, an identity, and goals and directions of our own that are not solely dependent on the support or direction of our parents. It is the ability to act as an individual—to have a
self.

If you grew up in a family that fostered autonomy, then your parents taught you self-sufficiency skills, encouraged you to accept responsibility, and taught you to exercise good judgment. They encouraged you to venture into the outside world and interact with peers. Rather than overprotecting you, they taught you that the world is safe and how to keep yourself safe in it. They encouraged you to develop a separate identity.

However, you may have had a more unhealthy childhood environment, one that fostered dependence and fusion. Your parents may not have taught you self-reliance skills. Instead, they may have done everything for you, and undermined your attempts to do things on your own. They may have taught you that the world is dangerous, and constantly warned you about danger and possible illness. They may have kept you from pursuing your natural inclinations. They may have taught you that you cannot rely on your own judgment or decisions to get by in the world.

Heather, the woman in Chapter 1 with numerous phobias, was overprotected as a child. Her parents constantly warned her about danger because they were constantly worried about danger themselves. They taught her to feel
vulnerable
in the world.

Heather’s parents were not ill-intentioned. Rather, they were fearful themselves and were trying to protect her. This is often the case. Parents who overprotect their children can be quite loving. Heather has the Vulnerability lifetrap. Her ability to be autonomous in the world is impaired because she is too afraid to go out into the world and do things.

Feeling
safe
enough to venture into the world is one aspect of autonomy. Feeling
competent
to cope with everyday tasks and having a separate sense of
self
are other aspects. These last two have more to do with the Dependence lifetrap.

With Dependence, you fail to develop a sense of competence about your ability to function in the world. Perhaps your parents were overprotective: they made your decisions for you, and handled your responsibilities. They may even have subtly undermined you, criticizing you whenever you struck out on your own. As a consequence, as an adult you feel unable to cope effectively on your own without the guidance, advice, and financial support of people who you feel are stronger and wiser than you. Even if you leave your parents—and
many
never leave their parents—you just get into a relationship with another parental figure. You find a partner or boss who can serve as a parent substitute.

Dependent people often have an
undeveloped
or
enmeshed
sense of self. Their identities merge with the identities of their parents or spouses. The stereotype is the wife who becomes completely absorbed in her husband’s life and loses the sense of her own identity. She does everything her husband wants her to do. She does not have friends of her own, interests of her own, or opinions of her own. When she talks, she talks about her husband’s life.

Feeling safe enough to venture into the world, feeling competent, developing a strong sense of self—these are the components of autonomy.

Self-esteem is the feeling that we are worthwhile in our personal, social, and work lives. It comes from feeling loved and respected as a child in our family, by friends, and at school.

Ideally we would all have had childhoods that support our self-esteem. We would have felt loved and appreciated by our family, accepted by peers, and successful at school. We would have received praise and encouragement without excessive criticism or rejection.

But this may not have been what happened to you. Perhaps you had a parent or sibling who constantly criticized you, so that nothing you did was acceptable. You felt
unlovable.
Perhaps you were rejected by peers. They made you feel undesirable. Or maybe you felt like a failure in school or sports.

As an adult, you may feel insecure about certain aspects of your life. You lack self-confidence in the areas where you feel vulnerable—intimate relationships, social situations, or work. Within your vulnerable areas, you feel inferior to other people. You are hypersensitive to criticism and rejection. Challenges make you very anxious. You either avoid challenges or handle them poorly.

The two lifetraps in the Self-Esteem realm are Defectiveness and Failure. They correspond to feelings of unworthiness in the personal and work realms. The Failure lifetrap involves a feeling of inadequacy in the realm of achievement and work. It is the sense that you are less successful, talented, or intelligent than your peers.

The Defectiveness lifetrap involves the sense that you are inherently flawed—that the more deeply someone knows you, the less lovable you are. The Defectiveness lifetrap often accompanies other lifetraps. Of the five patients we listed in the first chapter, three—Madeline, Jed, and Carlton—had the Defectiveness lifetrap in addition to their primary lifetraps.

Madeline is the patient who was sexually abused by her stepfather. It is very common for Mistrust and Abuse and Defectiveness to go hand in hand. Children almost always blame themselves for abuse, feeling that they must be very bad, or unworthy of love, to deserve the abuse.

Jed, the man who becomes involved with one woman after another, has profound feelings of defectiveness. He covers up these feelings by adopting a superior, aloof attitude. And Carlton, the people-pleaser, feels defective as well. Part of the reason Carlton denies his own needs is that he feels he is not worth more.

Injuries to our self-esteem cause us to feel
shame.
Shame is the predominant emotion in this realm. If you have the Defectiveness or Failure lifetrap, then you live a life filled with shame about who you are.

Self-expression is the freedom to express ourselves—our needs, feelings
(including anger), and natural inclinations. It implies the belief that our needs count as much as other people’s needs. We are free to act spontaneously without inordinate inhibition. We feel free to pursue activities and interests that make
us
happy, not just those around us. We are allowed time to have fun and play, not just encouraged to work and compete nonstop.

In an early environment that encourages self-expression, we are encouraged to discover our own natural interests and preferences. Our needs and desires are taken into account in making decisions. We are permitted to express emotions, such as sadness and anger, as long as they do not seriously harm other people. We are regularly allowed to be playful, uninhibited, and enthusiastic. We are encouraged to balance play and work. Standards are reasonable.

If you grow up in a family that discourages self-expression, you are punished or made to feel guilty when you express your needs, preferences, or feelings. Your parents’ needs and feelings take precedence over yours. You are made to feel powerless. You are shamed when you act in a playful or uninhibited manner. Work and achievement are overemphasized at the expense of fun and pleasure. Your parents are not satisfied unless you perform perfectly.

Carlton, the people-pleaser, grew up in an environment that damaged his self-expression. His father was critical and controlling, and his mother was frequently depressed and ill.

CARLTON: My father was never happy with who I was. He was always trying to change me, to tell me what I should be. My mother was in bed a lot. She was always sick and in bed. I tried to take care of her as best I could.

Carlton’s identity did not matter much. His parents used him for their own ends. He learned to push his own needs back lest he make a parent angry or depressed. His childhood was grim and selfless. „I feel like I never was a child,“ he says.