Relativity (6 page)

He shakes his head furiously. I know how to get my way with him and as wrong as I know it is, I just can’t stop myself.

“It has nothing to do with your age. You’ve always been way more mature than your age and now with everything that’s happened…” he trails off, as I start to run my hands over his chest.

“Is it because you think I’ll get all clingy and expect to be your girlfriend?” I coo, running my fingers through his hair. He grabs my arms and puts them back to my sides then stomps away.

He stops in front of his bed and I’m right behind him, angry, even though I know I have no right to be.

“So you’ll fuck every other girl in the world but you won’t fuck me?” I say, hating myself for stooping so low.

He spins around, his eyes wild with a mixture of desire and fury. He grips my shoulders, and for a split second, I feel fear until I see his eyes soften. “Don’t you get it, Ripley? I don’t want to
fuck
you. And I sure as hell don’t want to be some mistake you make because you’re confused right now.”

I gasp at his confession, my mind spinning in a million different directions. I force out any logical thought. He wants me and I want him. To hell with any repercussions.

“You could never be a mistake,” I say, knowing I’m lying my ass off, but I don’t care.

“I care about you too much to hurt you,” he says, still wrestling internally. Gently, he places his hand against my left cheek, running his thumb over my bottom lip. My eyes search his. I press my chest to his, needing to be closer to him. The hard bulge of his erection presses against the thin fabric of my dress, making me wet.

“Please, Knox,” I beg, arching my back and letting the straps of my dress fall over my shoulders.

He squeezes his eyes shut and I almost cry out, knowing he’s not going to let this go any further. He drops his hands and pulls away from me.

“I’m sorry I invited you over here. You should go,” he says, not making eye contact with me.

“I’m not going anywhere,” I say forcefully. I think his chivalrousness is sweet but I can’t leave here without knowing what this is between us. I slide my dress down my body and let it pool at my feet. I purposely didn’t wear a bra so I’m standing in front of him naked, except for my panties.

His eyes plead with me to put my dress back on but I ignore them and respond by unbuttoning his shorts and letting them drop to the floor. I let out a gasp when I realize he isn’t wearing underwear and his erect penis pops out at me. I wrap my hand around him gently, enjoying the moan of pleasure coming from deep in his chest.

“Nothing will ever be the same,” he says with a growl, still not touching me.

“Make love to me, Knox,” I plead.

He grabs me and plunges his tongue into my mouth. I welcome it with my own urgency. He grips my ass and lifts me up. I wrap my legs around his waist. He pulls off my mouth and moves to my nipples, taking a turn on each one. He walks us to the side of the bed as I’m kissing his neck and running my hands through his hair. He slides me down carefully then expertly hooks his thumbs around the sides of my panties and slides them down my legs. He sweeps me up in his arms, never taking his eyes off mine, and lays me gently on top of the bed.

I watch him open his bedside drawer, tear open a condom, and roll it over his cock. I arch my back, needing him inside me. He moves to the side of the bed, never taking his eyes off mine.

“Are you sure?” he asks so sweetly that I think my heart might break. I spread my legs and arch my back, wanting to give him everything.

I stare deep into his eyes and nod. He climbs over me, placing the tip of his penis on my entrance. I claw at the sheets trying to keep myself from wanting to come already. He looks down at me, sweetly, still needing that final approval.

I wrap my legs around his waist and grab his ass, plunging him deep inside me. We both moan as he enters me and starts to stroke back and forth.

“Jesus, Ripley,” he keeps repeating over and over, kissing all over my body. His hot tongue lingers on my nipple as I contract under him, squeezing every bit of pleasure I can from each thrust.

I never felt anything remotely close to this with Drew. He always tried really hard to get me off and I usually just faked it to make him feel better but right now I’m actively stopping myself from having an orgasm. I never imagined that sex could be so good. I just hope Knox feels the same way.

“I’m sorry, I can’t hold out much longer,” Knox admits, which just gets me hotter.

“Come for me,” I whisper, finally allowing my body to have what it wants. My orgasm starts at my toes and races up my body. Knox’s eyes get wide, feeling me tighten around him.

“Ripley,” he cries as he comes. His whole body quivers and his arms give out. He lays with his face on my chest, our bodies entangled as our breathing slowly resumes to normal and the reality of what we’ve just done begins to taint the air around us.

******

“Excuse me for a sec,” Knox says, grabbing the bedspread to wrap around himself as he heads to the bathroom. I take that as my cue to leave.

I bolt off the bed and start rummaging around for my clothes. I find my dress crumpled by the foot of the bed. Relieved, I slip it over my head and begin the search for my panties. The memory of Knox sliding them down my legs flits through my mind. I try to mentally swipe it away. I finally find them under a discarded pillow and practically jump into them when I hear Knox opening the bathroom door.

“I really need to get going,” I blurt out.

I purposely don’t make eye contact but I can see him out of the corner of my eye. He’s got the bedspread tied low around his waist. Just a peek of his cut-up chest and my panties practically drop themselves again.

“Sure. I’ll walk you out,” he says, searching around for his own clothes. I can’t tell if it is just wishful thinking but I swear I could almost detect disappointment in his voice.

Knox drops the bedspread. I nearly gasp at the sight of him completely naked. He doesn’t seem to notice my gawking as he turns his shirt inside out.

I know I should pull my eyes away but my body starts flushing with heat at the thoughts that are running through my mind. I want him again. I want to touch, kiss, lick, and suck every single part of him. I don’t turn away until he slips on his shorts.

I move over to the couch, away from the bed, because I don’t trust myself. Like I haven’t done enough damage but now I’m wrestling with myself not to do anymore. I have to get out of here before the inklings of desire in my belly turn into another full-fledged fire storm of passion.

I slide my feet into my flip-flops, grab my heels from last night, my keys and phone and rush to the door. “Thanks for everything.” I unbolt the door and throw it open.
Oh my God, I just thanked the guy for fucking me. Awesome, Ripley. Just awesome.

Knox hops after me with only one shoe on. “Ripley, wait. Let’s talk about this,” he pleads.

I rush down the stairs and back Dad’s truck out faster than I know I should but I can’t help it, I just have to get as far away from here as possible. I knew that having sex with Knox would be dangerous, but that wasn’t just sex. That was something magical and addictive that I already know I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to replicate. I push Knox out of my mind and calculate the quickest way home, focusing on the road. Jasper isn’t some huge town with giant interstates running through it, but I still need to concentrate.

That’s why my mother’s accident was such a big deal. As a rule, people don’t die tragically in Jasper, Missouri. We’re more of a slow death by cancer, or gradually drifting away from Alzheimer’s, kind of town. At least that’s what I hear. I had never lost anyone before Mom.

I’m almost home when I get stopped by a red light. I feel myself start to drift thinking about Knox’s hands on my body. What kind of a sick, twisted psychopath has the best sex of her life with a random guy a day after her mother’s funeral? Technically, Knox isn’t some random guy but a childhood friend, but instead of feeling better about what I’ve done that fact almost makes it worse.

I feel like I’ve betrayed Natalie. We used to joke around about all the skanks that Knox made it with and now I’m one of them. I can’t believe I was dumb enough to think that we had some transcendental connection. Not only am I a lying, cheating slut but apparently now I’m a total fucking idiot on top of it.

My toxic combination of anger, sadness, and desperation fuel me across town in record time. I pull around the block to our house, shutting off my lights before I pull in the driveway. I get out and quietly shut the door and start to the house when I see Knox’s Jeep pull around and stop in front of our driveway. I’m filled with confusion, lust, and intense sadness.

“Please get in for a minute, Rip,” he pleads.

His voice and the lips it comes out of mesmerizes me into sliding into the passenger seat next to him. He pulls down the block a bit and puts the Jeep into park.

“I knew this was going to be a mistake,” he says, punching his steering wheel.

“I’m a big girl, Knox. I’ll be fine. It was a one night stand. It didn’t mean anything,” I spit out, just trying to protect my heart. I really thought sex with Knox was just going to be a casual thing that didn’t mean anything but the way he made me feel was anything but casual.

He doesn’t say anything but looks like he got sucker punched. “It was more than that and you know it.”

“I should go,” I say, reaching for the door handle. He reaches across me and places his hand on top of mine to stop me. I close my eyes to stop the dizzy feeling I get from his scent penetrating my nostrils and his strong arm across me. I will myself not to spread my legs and arch my back for him. “Okay, it was something but that doesn’t mean it has to mean everything.”

He moves away from me, hurt coming off him in waves.

“Speak for yourself,” he grumbles then throws the car in reverse and backs up to my driveway.

My head is spinning trying to figure out what is going on. What does that mean? That he wants more than just a one night stand? That he feels like I do, that nothing in my life seems important anymore if I can’t ever be with him again? I want to ask him but then Natalie’s face pops into my mind and I know that it doesn’t matter what he feels because this would never work.

“Thank you for being there for me tonight, Knox. It means a lot,” I choke out, “but Natalie can’t ever find out about us.”

“Glad I could be of service,” he says sharply.

I open the door car and slip out, shutting the door quietly. Our eyes meet and I wonder if I will ever be able to face him again without fantasizing about him being inside of me. I give him a pathetic half-wave, like we just had a coffee date, and trudge up to my house feeling the black cloud of loss weigh me down the closer I get to the front door.

“You can’t stay in this house forever,” Dad says, drying the last of the casserole dishes. Thankfully, they are all identical, so if I can just remember who dropped them off, I can reunite them with their owners.

“Neither can you,” I counter, carefully stacking the dishes on top of each other. It has been a week since mom’s funeral and neither one of us have left the house with the exception of the little detour I took to Knox’s the day after the funeral. We’ve cocooned ourselves inside what is left of our safe little world, only opening the door for takeout deliveries and the occasional Natalie pop-in.

“I know. That’s why I’m going back to work tomorrow,” he says, not meeting my eyes.

A gasp almost escapes my lips but I hold it in, just in time. I knew we couldn’t insulate ourselves like this forever but I thought I had at least another week. It feels wrong somehow to go on with our lives when Mom can’t go on with hers. My eyes search out the calendar hanging on the side of the refrigerator. Today’s date is circled in red Sharpie and Mom’s curlicue cursive reminds us that she was supposed to meet with her quilting club today. I wonder how many meetings it will take before the other quilters forget all about her.

“Ripley, this is supposed to be the happiest time in your life. You’re graduating from high school in two weeks. Your life is just starting,” Dad rambles.

“Cut the Dr. Phil shit. We both know that Mom dying changed everything. Do you really think I give a crap about attending the graduation now? And it’s not like I’m going to go off to college.”

I’m just thankful that all my finals are behind me and the rest of the school year is just fluff, so my diploma isn’t in jeopardy even if I don’t ever go back to school. The thought of never walking the halls with Natalie again makes me sad, but I’m not sure I can handle all the pity looks I’ll get. I don’t want to be known as the girl with the dead mother. I’m just thankful that I don’t have to endure another year of high school in our tiny town.

“What do you mean you aren’t going to college?” Dad bellows, startling me. “If your mother heard you say that…”

“But she can’t hear me say that, can she?”

The horrible words are out of my mouth before I can pull them back in. I start sobbing immediately and Dad folds me into his arms, his tears mixing with mine.

“I’m so sorry, baby girl. I wish it had been me instead,” he sobs.

“No, Daddy, don’t ever say that,” I yell, hugging him tighter. The thought of losing him, too, makes it hard to breathe. Everyone keeps telling me that time will heal me but at this moment, I can’t imagine life ever feeling happy again. Even if I somehow manage to stop missing Mom so much I feel like I’m going to live in a constant state of fear about losing Dad.

“We’re going to make it through this. Okay, Rip? Life might never be the same but we’re going to be okay.” I nod and he kisses me gently on the forehead.

“I think I’m going to go take a nap,” I announce and shuffle upstairs like a zombie. I used to think sleep was a complete waste of time and I fought it with all my might but now it seems like all I want to do. When I’m asleep I don’t have to deal with the reality of Mom being gone forever. I also keep thinking that she’s going to come to me in a dream and tell me that she’s happier than she’s ever been or something corny like that so I know she’s okay. But so far, she’s been a no show.