Release: New Adult Sport Romance (Fire and Ice) (13 page)

“Ben. He’s so quiet, and I’m afraid he has questions he doesn’t dare ask. He’s with John, so it’s probably okay. But, hey, this way we get a good run in before we have to do the lunch thing.”

Skiing with Heather is great. She’ll usually tell me one thing I’m doing right and then give me one thing to work on. She’s as interested in me getting better as I am.

I lean over the bar and look at the trail below us. Kaleb. He’s on a snowboard with a group of adults. He makes it look easy as he maneuvers a man through a turn. Everything about Kaleb is so physical. I lick my lips as I envision him in boxers.

Heather snorts, “I was thinking about food for lunch. Not men.”

I giggle. “Well, darn it. Guess he’ll have to be dinner instead.” I’m in a much better mood if I can joke about Kaleb. The truth is I want us to work so badly, I’ll do anything to make it happen. I think I’ll pretend what happened this morning didn’t scare him off. And maybe it’ll work.

Chapter 18

A busy afternoon makes up for my goof-off morning, and I’m late getting to the locker room. Just as I assumed, Kaleb has already left. I walk back from his row disappointed.

“Long day with kids?” Casey sits by her locker with her phone in hand.

“Not too bad. I had hoped to see Kaleb.” I plop down with a sigh, and a smile covers my face. I’m in total denial that this morning will affect us.

“I guess things are going well with you two.” Casey kicks my shin lightly.

“Yeah. He’s just so…” I hunch my shoulders and try to think of the appropriate word. Bill isn’t paying attention to us, but he’s close enough to hear. I nod my head toward him.

Casey smiles. “Let’s go with hot and leave it at that.”

I grin. “Okay, hot works.”

“I thought we could do a girls’ night next week. One of my best friends from Vermont just moved here, and she could use a few friends. Something simple like wine and everyone brings a dish.”

“I would love that. Is she teaching?”

“No, she competes and is here to train. She got a night job working at The Bike Shop.”

Gretchen. Bill’s ears perk up. “Are you talking about Poster Gretchen?”

Casey says. “I think she prefers just Gretchen, but yeah.” Her eyes squint.

I watch Bill nod and bet by the look on his face he’s turned on, thinking about her. I don’t want to know. I start to unbuckle my boots.

“Does everyone call her Poster Gretchen?” I smile, but I’m not amused. My boot clunks on the floor as it releases my foot.

“No, that’s The Bike Shop guys’ name for her, but I guess they’ve shared it. I doubt she would mind.” Casey smirks. “Actually, she’d probably like it.

“Really?” I’m not sure what kind of girl likes knowing guys fawn over her on a poster. But then, she did pose for it. I suppose I should be impressed with her confidence. And I would be, if it weren’t for the fact Kaleb has probably been one of those guys. I call on my inner actress. “I look forward to getting to know her better.”

* * *

I desperately try to keep a panic attack at bay. The whole ride home with Casey I force myself to chat with her about Jason and teaching. Now that I’m home, though, my insecurities mess with my mind. I can’t stop thinking about Kaleb working with Gretchen. I’m sure it has something to do with my freak-out this morning. I’m not feeling very secure in our relationship.

Water rushes out of the spout into the kettle. The scent of a chocolate, coconut, and rooibos blend wafts to my nose, and my mind moves to warm thoughts about Kaleb. He gave me this tin of tea for Christmas. I set the teapot on the stove to boil and go change into my pajamas.

Me pulling a knife on Kaleb this morning loops over and over before my eyes. The look on his face haunts me. He was afraid of me, and he should have been. I held that knife in my hand like I was prepared to use it because I was. Oh my, God. What sane person would want to stay with that kind of crazy?

I pad my fluffy-socked feet to the kitchen and remove the kettle from the stove just before it screams. I spoon out tea into the metal filter. The tropical scent floats up to my nose when I pour the water into the pot.

I was an idiot to think this morning wouldn’t change things. Kaleb has probably figured out I’m damaged and not worth it. Tears come, and I let them fall. I thought I was ready to move on and a new town would help me start over. I thought wrong.

While I sip the tea, I try some relaxation breathing. I know a panic attack is smashing against my fragile dam of control. My pulse is fast, and my mind refuses to let it stop. It’s no use. My feet stomp my way to the bathroom, and I find the Valium. As much as I hate to resort to medication, I’m afraid I won’t sleep otherwise. And that will begin a vicious spiral I can’t stop.

I drop to the floor and begin an exercise circuit to pass the time it takes for the tiny pill to work its magic. Twenty minutes later, sleepy exhaustion takes over my body. I pick up my e-reader, and I climb in bed to wait for sleep.

Chapter 19

I wake to sunlight. While I wouldn’t say I’m refreshed, I definitely slept last night. I decide yoga is on order this morning instead of skiing before work. I pull out my mat and begin my routine. Combined with affirmations, I begin to relax and feel better about myself.

I hold a foot over my head with my hamstrings stretched to their max. The sweet release when I lower my leg reminds me things may not be as horrible as I imagined. I finish off my stretching and concentrate on thinking positive. The soft carpet under my toes muffles my steps as I walk to the kitchen.

I set a pan of water on the stove to boil and hear the twinge of the electric burner heat up. I can’t know what Kaleb thinks, and the best way to deal with this is to assume the best of him. I touch my lips when I remember his kiss. My core smolders as I think about his magic fingers inside me. Yeah, I’d be a fool to not fight for him.

Oats swish into the water, and I stir them. I’ll make sure to catch him after work and offer to bring him dinner, even though I know I won’t be able to spend much time with him. I refuse to let Gretchen be the one he thinks about. Armed with a plan, I dig into my oatmeal with passion.

* * *

I bolt from the Kids’ Castle and jog to the locker room in my ski boots. My feet scream with the torture, but it doesn’t stop me. I hope I’m not too late to catch Kaleb. Breathless, I enter the locker room. I put my skis in the rack, and they slam as I quickly walk toward Kaleb’s aisle. I unsnap my helmet and put my gloves inside it. When I comb my fingers through my damp hair, I smell my shampoo and hope the vanilla scent masks the odor of sweat coming from my coat as I unzip it.

A wave of relief washes over me. He’s at his locker, and I ask, “Hey, want me to bring you dinner tonight?” I set my helmet down on the bench and lean against the locker next to his.

His eyes light up. Whew. He says, “I would love that. I’m tuning again. I’ll try to take a break when you get there.” He leans down and puts his forehead against mine. He speaks quietly, “I never got to tell you how nice the other night was.”

Oh goodness, my insides melt. I hook my fingers into the belt loops on the either side of his jeans and tug him a little closer. “I never told you how good you made my bed look.” I flash to the image of him lying naked on my flowered sheets. My stomach quivers, and my eyelids fall. I let out a tiny sigh.

He steps back and rubs his hands down his jean-covered thighs. “Whoa. Ah. I’ve got to get home for a shower.” He takes a piece of my hair and lets it slip through his fingers. “See you later?”

I nod at him with a sly smile. Oh yeah, I think we’re good.

Chapter 20

I’m ready for the holiday week to be over. I hop down from my truck, and my feet crunch icy snow. I’m refreshed and ready for a great ski day. While I get to go home and sleep as much as I want every night, Kaleb doesn’t. We haven’t had more than a few stolen moments alone, and something weighs heavy on my mind. I need to tell him about Lucas. I’m being selfish not sharing my past. He deserves to know the truth about who I am.

A breeze blows my hair back as I weave through the crowded parking lot. Kaleb has to be wondering what the other morning was about. He’s such a great guy that he hasn’t asked, but I feel like it’s the elephant in the room and it’s time to deal with it. I wonder if he has googled me and read about my affair. The headlines still burn in my memory.

Skater Seduced by Father Figure.

Or the cleverer version: Olympian Spins out of Control.

My stomach lurches as I recall the humiliation, and I look out over the mountain range at the cloudless blue sky. Tonight is New Year’s Eve. The Bike Shop will close early, and I promised Kaleb I would make dinner so he could have an early evening to catch up on sleep.

When I pull open the door, I notice the noise in the locker room is subdued. Most instructors have two jobs to pay the bills. There are a lot of tired people working today.

New Year’s sounds like such a fun celebration, and I always thought I would enjoy a night out when I was old enough to drink in bars. But now that I know what an evening alone with my boyfriend can turn into, the desire is gone.

I turn the corner to Kaleb as he waits for me by my locker. I ask, “Hey, why didn’t you sleep in? You must be exhausted.” I sit next to him and welcome the tingle his presence gives me.

“I was in bed by eleven. Got my eight hours and I’m raring to go. Want to ski?” He plays with the end of my braid.

“I would love that.” I suppose there’s no time like the present to talk. “I have something I want to tell you, so let’s not grab anyone to join us, please.”

“Sure.” Concern clouds his face.

I reach up and trace my finger along his lower lip. My throat gets tight. What if he decides I’m too much work?

He takes my hand and kisses my palm. “What is it, babe?”

I’m afraid. “I need to tell you about Lucas. My ex.” I shake off the tears that threaten to fall and stand up. “Let’s do this.”

“Okay, I’ll be back in a few.” He kisses the top of my head before he leaves.

* * *

Cold vinyl bites through my ski pants when we sit on the chair. I tuck my poles under my leg, take a deep breath, and blow it out. I can’t look at Kaleb and just begin to speak. “When I was twelve I was discovered by Lucas. He saw me at a skating competition and told my mother I had a gift. He would be my coach and make me a star.”

“I thought he was the most attractive man I’d ever seen. He had a Swedish accent and the tall, thin looks of a male figure skater.” Now that I’ve started, I’m ready to let this out. I lift my goggles so Kaleb can see my eyes.

“By the time I was fifteen we were having an affair. I wanted it more than anything. He cherished me. He told me I was his soul mate.”

Kaleb takes off a glove and reaches for my mitten-clad hand. Don’t this guy’s hands ever get cold? “But he kept me sheltered from other people. He found reasons why other skaters couldn’t be my friends. He moved us to a remote cabin on a lake so people wouldn’t take our love away. About this time, he started to have raging outbursts and blame me for things that made him angry. There was no rhyme or reason to them. Yet I believed they were all my fault.” Kaleb squeezes my hand.