Remarkable (12 page)

“Um, okay. You can be captain, I guess,” Melissa said.

“All right then, me hearties. I’ll start by teaching you the most important rule of pirating life.”

“Rules? Pirates don’t have rules, do they?” Eddie asked.

“Aye, that they do. And the most important rule be this: always do what yer captain tells you, or suffer the consequences.”

And then Ms. Schnabel began to laugh—a wild, savage laugh. The sound of it made Jane very worried.

G
randmama Julietta Augustina walked into city hall after spending a satisfying morning at the construction site for the post office addition.

Taftly Wocheywhoski and his hardworking crew had just finished hanging all fifty-seven bells. A campanologist would arrive next Wednesday to make sure the bells were properly tuned, and on the Thursday after that, a chronometric engineer would come from the Naval Observatory in Greenwich, England, to make certain the bell tower clock kept perfect time.

“And on Friday morning, we can have the opening ceremony for the bell tower. We’ll have all those extra people in town for the science fair. They’ll probably
appreciate the chance to be part of this remarkable moment in Remarkable’s history. What do you think of that, bird?”

Salzburg, who was perched on Grandmama’s shoulder, bobbed her head and squawked approvingly. Grandmama Julietta Augustina had given up trying to get Captain Rojo Herring to take more responsibility for his parrot and was even starting to enjoy the bird’s company.

When she arrived back at her office, Stilton, her faithful secretary, handed her a cup of coffee and three phone messages. One was from Kate Chu, who asked that Grandmama Julietta Augustina call her back about some urgent business between their two towns.

“Hmph!” Grandmama said to herself. She was certain that no business between Remarkable and Munch could ever be considered urgent. The second message was from Mrs. Peabody, who was complaining that the town was infested with pirates, and the third was from Mrs. Belphonia-Champlain, who was convinced beyond reason that the town was plagued by dognappers.

She pushed the messages aside. She needed to finish responding to the Scottish Parliament’s ridiculous
complaint. Although she was certain that Lucky was bigger and more elusive than Nessie—the Scottish Parliament seemed to feel she should provide some sort of proof, which was hard to obtain given Lucky’s shy nature. She pulled out her most official-looking stationery and began composing her reply.

“Dear sirs and ma’ams,” she wrote. “We have received your ludicrous allegations and wish, once again, to cordially inform you that we have no intention of apologizing for the fact that our lake monster is both larger and more elusive than your own. The town of Remarkable would also like to cordially suggest that if you are not comfortable with this true and indisputable fact, then you are free to go jump in a loch of your own choosing. Sincerely, Mayor Julietta Augustina Doe.”

Grandmama signed the letter with a flourish. And as she was sealing it into an official envelope, she heard a discreet knock at the door.

“Madam Mayor,” Stilton said. “Please excuse my interruption. But there is citizen out here who wants to talk to you.”

“Who is it?”

Stilton hesitated. “I’m afraid I don’t recognize him,
ma’am. But he claims that you know each other well and that you’d be upset if I didn’t let him speak to you. His name is…oh dear. I’m afraid I’ve forgotten. I’ll go ask him again.”

“No need,” Grandmama Julietta Augustina told him. She’d already guessed who her visitor was. Even though Stilton had been her faithful secretary for more than twenty years, he’d never once managed to recognize Grandpa John. And sure enough, a moment later Stilton showed Grandpa John in.

“I didn’t expect to see you this morning, John. What a lovely surprise. Have you come to take me to lunch?”

“Hmph!” Salzburg said from her shoulder. She’d been hoping Grandmama Julietta Augustina would take her to Filbert’s Fine Grocery Store on her lunch hour and buy her fresh pineapple.

“No. Not today. I have a favor I need to ask of you—not as your husband, but as a concerned citizen.”

“A favor? What kind of favor?”

“I need to borrow the music box from the model of the bell tower addition.”

“What on earth for?”

“It’s complicated, but let me try to explain. Did
you know that Captain Rojo Herring plays the violin? And quite well, too.”

“Now, John, you know I don’t concern myself with the hobbies of pirates.”

“Well, it got me thinking about beautiful music and its unintended side effects on people, and…well, other things, too. Captain Rojo Herring was down at the lake the other night playing his violin, and his music was so beautiful. And then something amazing, and well, amazingly worrisome happened—”

“What does any of this have to do with the music box?” Grandmama asked, interrupting him.

“Maybe nothing. But I need to borrow the music box to do an experiment. If I’m right then—”

“An experiment? You mean like a science experiment?”

“No, that’s not what I’m saying—”

“Because Dr. Presnelda will have a fit if you enter this science experiment of yours in the science fair. What if you won? I can’t imagine what she’d do if someone other than one of her students took first place.”

Grandmama chuckled as she pictured Dr. Presnelda’s distress at losing. Grandpa sighed and wished he
were the sort of person other people listened to without interrupting.

“Julietta,” he said firmly. “This isn’t about Dr. Presnelda. This is about Lucky and the bell tower.”

“Lucky? What on earth does Lucky have to do with the bell tower?”

Grandpa opened his mouth to explain, but this time he was interrupted by a knock at the door. Stilton peeked in.

“Mayor Chu is on the phone for you,” he said.

“Tell her I’ll call her back.”

“She’s called your office five times already today. She’s insisting I put her call through.”

“I’d better take this,” Grandmama told Grandpa as she picked up her phone. “Then I promise I’ll give you my full attention.”

“Julietta Augustina, I have some news for you,” Kate Chu barked into the phone.

“Good news, I hope.”

“It’s good news for me. I wanted you to be the first to know that after a great deal of effort I’ve finally managed to acquire a truly qualified dentist for the citizens of Munch.”

“Interesting,” Grandmama said, even though she
had no idea why Mayor Chu thought this piece of information would be interesting to anyone. “Now if you don’t mind, I’m a little busy at the moment discussing an important matter with a constituent.”

She gave Grandpa a smile, realizing as she did so that she’d completely forgotten why he’d come to see her.

“The dentist’s name is Dr. Christobel Pike,” Mayor Chu continued. “As I’m sure you know, she comes highly recommended.”

“What! You can’t steal our dentist! You wouldn’t dare!”

“Now, now,” Mayor Chu said. “No need to get upset. I’m happy to let you keep her provided that you do one small thing.”

“I wouldn’t bargain with you if you’d stolen the last dentist on earth!”

“Now hear me out. All I need is for you to admit—in writing—that Munch’s Generic Jelly is superior in every way to that pale, tasteless organic jam you make in your town.”

“Never!”

“Oh, dear. I had hoped we could work together here. But never mind. We know our jelly is better.
And it only makes sense that the town that produces the best jelly should also have the best dentist.”

“Now you listen here, Kate,” Grandmama yelled into the phone, but Mayor Chu had already hung up.

“How dare she!” Grandmama said, giving Grandpa John a wild-eyed stare. “Stilton? Stilton! Bring my coat. We’re going to visit Dr. Pike!”

And with that, she stormed out of her office, leaving Grandpa John alone with his concerns about Lucky.

A
fter school that day, Anderson Brigby Bright Doe III offered to walk Lucinda Wilhelmina Hinojosa home.

“Do I know you?” Lucinda asked.

“I’m Anderson Brigby Bright,” he said. “Anderson Brigby Bright Doe III. I’m taking you to the Science Fair Dance.”

Lucinda squinted at him through her small chic glasses, then shrugged.

“Hmmmm,” she hummed. “If you say so.”

“I was thinking that perhaps I could carry your books for you. It’s old-fashioned, I know, but doesn’t it sound romantic?”

“Not really,” Lucinda said. “And I don’t need you to carry my books. I have my wagon with me. I’ll just put them in there.”

“We could go on the trail that leads past Lake Remarkable, which is also quite romantic,” Anderson Brigby Bright persisted. “And while we’re there, perhaps I could paint a portrait of you sitting on a rock.”

“Why would you want to do that?”

“What do you mean why?” The question unsettled Anderson Brigby Bright. He’d never thought about why he wanted to paint before. “Because I’m good at it, of course.”

“Mmm-hmmm,” Lucinda said. “But I can’t be bothered with that kind of thing today. I have to check on the progress of the bell tower. I hear it’s nearly finished.”

“Well, how about I go with you and walk you home afterward?” Anderson Brigby Bright thought this was a gallant offer on his part, since his time was better spent painting. True love, he knew, sometimes required great sacrifice.

Lucinda, unfortunately, didn’t seem to appreciate his gesture. “If the bell tower is nearly done, then I have to finish getting these milk cartons delivered. I don’t have any time to waste.”

“How could posing for a portrait be a waste of time?” Anderson Brigby Bright asked, utterly astonished. But he was talking to Lucinda’s back. She had already walked away, humming as she pulled her red wagon behind her.

“Hmmm-mmmm-mmmm,” Lucinda Wilhelmina Hinojosa hummed to herself as she and her red wagon rattled into downtown Remarkable. “Hmmm-mmm-mmmmm-mmmm-mm.”

She took a deep breath so she could hum some more, but found herself choking instead. The air was thick with the stinkiest stench she’d ever come across. It smelled like rotten eggs, moldy boots, dead hamsters, and wilted flowers.

She glanced back nervously at her milk cartons. It was possible that the smell was coming from the milk inside. This wouldn’t be surprising since she’d left her red wagon out in the hot sun while she was at school. But while it was true that the milk in the cartons had gone off, the vile smell happened to be coming from Jeb, Ebb, and Flotsam.

“You there, little girl,” Flotsam called as he hurried to catch up with her. “Where’d you learn that sea chantey
you be humming?” He stepped in front of her to stop her from walking away, and Ebb stood behind her to keep her from fleeing in the direction she’d come.

“It is not a sea chantey,” Lucinda said huffily as she pushed past him. “It’s a song by a very famous composer.”

“We’re looking for someone who used to sing a song kind o’ like that one,” Flotsam told her, stepping in front of her again. “And we think ye might know somethin’ of ’is whereabouts. He be a pirate captain by the name of—”

“Why should I care?” Lucinda interrupted. “I have my own missing person to look for. Here.” She shoved a milk carton into Flotsam’s hand. “Do you recognize that man?”

“No.”

“Well, you should. He’s Ysquibel, the most influential living musician in the world today. Is the person you’re looking for famous or influential?”

“Well…not exactly, I suppose. He warn’t even a very good pirate.”

“Then you might as well let him stay lost,” she told them firmly. And before they could say another word, she pushed past Flotsam again and headed off to the bell tower.

Flotsam and Ebb watched her go, while Jeb sniffed at the milk carton.

“Garrhh!” he said. “This milk be as sour as old socks.”

“What business be it of yours if that girl wants to pass out sour milk.”

“Because I’m starving!” Jeb growled fiercely, and his stomach growled fiercely, too. “We ain’t had nuthin’ to eat in days but ice cream!” Jeb tended to get angry when he was hungry—a condition known as “being hangry.”

“We don’t eat until we finds our Captain Rojo Herring,” Flotsam said firmly.