Remember Me? (32 page)

“Speech!” calls someone at the back. “Speech!” A couple of others start banging the desks.

Oh God. I can’t refuse. Bosses give speeches about their employees. This is what they do.

“Of course,” I say at last, and clear my throat. “We’re all very pleased for Lucinda on the birth of Marcus. But sad to say good-bye to such a valued member of our team.”

I notice Byron joining the cluster of people, surveying me closely over his
Lost
mug.

“Lucinda was always…” I take a sip of coffee, playing for time. “She was always…by the window. Sipping her peppermint tea. Managing her European accounts.”

I glance up and see Fi at the back, frantically miming some kind of activity.

“We all remember Lucinda for her love of…biking,” I say uncertainly.

“Biking?” Lucinda looks puzzled. “Do you mean riding?”

“Yes. Exactly. Riding,” I amend hastily. “And we all appreciated your efforts with those…French clients.”

“I didn’t deal with France.” Lucinda is gazing at me in outrage. “Did you ever even notice what I
did
?”

“Tell the story about Lucinda and the snooker table!” calls out someone at the back, and there’s a chorus of laughter.

“No,” I snap, rattled. “So…here’s to Lucinda.” I raise my coffee cup.

“Don’t you remember the story, Lexi?” Byron’s bland voice comes from the side. I glance at him—and feel a sudden hollowness inside. He’s guessed.

“Of course I
remember
it.” I summon my most cutting tones. “But it’s not the time for silly, irrelevant stories. We should all be at work. Get back to your desks, everyone.”

“God, she’s a hard bitch,” I can hear Lucinda muttering. “She’s even worse than before!”

“Wait!” Byron’s voice rises smoothly over the disgruntled muttering. “We forgot Lucinda’s other present! The mother and baby spa voucher.” He brings a slip of paper up to me with an overdeferential air. “It just needs Lucinda’s name filled in, Lexi. You should do that, being head of the department.”

“Right.” I take the pen.

“You need to put the surname too,” he adds casually as I take off the cap. I look up and his eyes are gleaming.

Fuck
. He’s got me.

“Of course,” I say briskly. “Lucinda…remind me what name you’re using these days.”

“The same as before,” she says resentfully, cradling her baby. “My maiden name.”

“Right.”

As slowly as I can, I write
Lucinda
on the dotted line.

“And the surname?” Byron says, like a torturer turning the screw. I look up desperately at Fi, to see her mouthing something at me. Dobson? Dodgson?

Holding my breath, I carefully write a
D
. Then I pause and stretch out my arm as though limbering it up. “I’ve had problems with my wrist,” I say to no one in particular. “The muscles sometimes get a bit…stiff.”

“Lexi, face it,” says Byron, shaking his head. “The pantomime’s over.”

“Nothing’s
over,
” I say cuttingly. “I’ll just take this back to my office—”

“Give me a break!” He sounds incredulous. “I mean, for God’s sake! Do you
really
think you’re kidding—”

“Hey!” Amy’s high-pitched voice shoots across the office, drawing everyone’s attention. “Look! That’s Jude Law! With no shirt on!”

“Jude
Law
?”

“Where is he?”

Byron’s voice is drowned out under an instant stampede to the window. Debs is pushing Carolyn out of the way, and even Lucinda is craning to see.

I love my little sister.

“Right,” I say in a businesslike way. “Well, I must get on. Clare, could you finish this up, please?” I thrust the voucher at her.

“It is Jude Law!” I can hear Amy insisting. “I just saw him kissing Sienna! We should call
OK!
magazine!”

“She hasn’t remembered a bloody thing!” Byron is saying furiously, trying to make his voice heard. “This is all a bloody act!”

“I need to go to my meeting with Simon. Get back to work.” I swivel on my heel in my best scary-Lexi manner and walk rapidly out of the office before he can reply.

The door of Simon Johnson’s office is closed as I arrive upstairs, and Natasha gestures to me to take a seat. I sink down onto the sofa, still a bit shaky from Byron’s near-confrontation. “Are you both seeing Simon Johnson?” she says in surprise, looking at Fi.

“No. Fi’s just here…”

I can’t say, “As moral support.”

“Lexi needed to consult me on a sales document,” Fi says smoothly, and raises her eyebrows at Natasha. “She really is back to her old self.”

“Understood.” Natasha raises her own eyebrows back.

A moment later the phone rings and Natasha listens for a moment. “All right, Simon,” she says at length. “I’ll tell her.” She puts down the receiver and looks at me. “Lexi, Simon’s in with Sir David and a few other directors.”

“Sir David Allbright?” I echo apprehensively.

Sir David Allbright is chairman of the board. He’s the total bigwig, even bigger and wiggier than Simon. And he’s really fierce, everyone says so.

“That’s right.” Natasha nods. “Simon says you should just go in, join the meeting and see all of them. In about five minutes, okay?”

Panic is sending little shooters through my chest. I wasn’t counting on Sir David and the directors.

“Of course! Fine. Um…Fi, I need to powder my nose. Let’s just continue our discussion in the Ladies’.”

“Fine.” Fi looks surprised. “Whatever.”

I push my way into the empty Ladies’ and sit down on a stool, breathing hard. “I can’t do this.”

“What?”

“I can’t do it.” I hug my folder helplessly. “This is a stupid plan. How am I going to impress Sir David Allbright? I’ve never given a presentation to important people like that. I’m no good at giving speeches—”

“Yes, you are!” retorts Fi. “Lexi, you’ve given speeches to the whole company. You were excellent.”

“Really?” I stare at her blankly.

“I wouldn’t lie,” she says firmly. “At the last sales conference you were brilliant. You can do this standing on your head. You just have to believe it.”

I’m silent for a few seconds, trying to picture it,
wanting
to believe it. But it doesn’t chime in my brain. It’s not registered anywhere. She could be telling me I’m fabulous at the circus trapeze, or have a great triple axel.

“I don’t know.” I rub my face hopelessly, my energy dissipating. “Maybe I’m just not cut out to be a boss. Maybe I should just give up—”

“No! You’re totally meant to be a boss!”

“How can you
say
that?” My voice trembles. “When I was promoted to director, I couldn’t cope! I alienated all of you, I didn’t manage the department well…I fucked it up. And they realize that.” I jerk my head toward the door. “That’s why they demoted me. I don’t know why I’m even bothering.” I sink my head into my hands.

“Lexi, you didn’t fuck it up.” Fi speaks in a rush, almost brusque with embarrassment. “You were a good boss.”

“Yeah.” I look up briefly and roll my eyes. “Right.”

“You
were
.” Her cheeks have reddened. “We…weren’t fair. Look, we were all pissed off at you, so we gave you a hard time.” She hesitates, twisting a paper towel into a plait. “Yes, you were too impatient some of the time. But you did some really great things. You are good at motivating people. Everyone felt alive and kicking. People wanted to impress you. They admired you.”

As I take in her words I can feel an underlying tension slowly slipping off me, like a blanket onto the floor. Except I can’t quite trust what I’m hearing.

“But you made me sound like such a bitch. All of you.”

Fi nods. “You were a bitch some of the time. But sometimes you needed to be.” She hesitates, weaving the towel through her fingers. “Carolyn was taking the piss with her expenses. She deserved a bit of a rocket. I didn’t say that,” she adds quickly, with a grin, and I can’t help smiling back.

The door to the Ladies’ opens and a cleaner starts coming in with a mop.

“Could you give us two minutes?” I say at once in my best crisp, don’t-argue-with-me voice. “Thanks.” The door closes again.

“Thing is, Lex…” Fi abandons her mangled paper towel. “We were jealous.” She looks at me frankly.

“Jealous?”

“One minute you were Snaggletooth. Next thing, you’ve got this amazing hair and teeth and your own office, and you’re in charge and telling us what to do.”

“I know.” I sigh. “It’s…mad.”

“It’s not mad.” To my surprise. Fi comes over to where I’m sitting. She crouches down and takes both my shoulders in her hands. “They made a good decision, promoting you. You can be boss, Lexi. You can do this. A million times better than fucking
Byron
.” She swivels her eyes derisively.

I’m so touched by her belief in me, I can’t quite speak for a moment.

“I just want to be…one of you,” I say at last. “With everybody.”

“You will be. You are. But
someone
has to be out there.” Fi sits back on her heels. “Lexi, remember when we were at primary school? Remember the sack race on sports day?”

“Don’t remind me.” I roll my eyes. “I fucked that up too. Fell flat on my face.”

“That’s not the point.” Fi shakes her head vigorously. “The point is, you were winning. You were way out in front. And if you’d kept going, if you hadn’t waited for the rest of us…you would have won.” She gazes almost fiercely at me, with the same green eyes I’ve known since I was six years old. “Just keep going. Don’t think about it, don’t look back.”

The door opens again and we both start.

“Lexi?” It’s Natasha, her pale brow wrinkling as she sees me and Fi. “I wondered where you’d got to! Are you ready?” I give one final glance at Fi, then get to my feet and lift my chin high. “Yes. Ready.”

I can do this. I can. As I walk into Simon Johnson’s room, my back is ramrod stiff and my smile rigid.

“Lexi.” Simon beams. “Good to see you. Come and take a seat.”

Everyone else looks totally at ease. Four directors are clustered around a small table, in comfortable leather chairs. Cups of coffee are on the go. A thin, graying man whom I recognize as David Allbright is talking to the man on his left about a villa in Provence.

“So, your memory is recovered!” Simon hands me a cup of coffee. “Tremendous news, Lexi.”

“Yes. It’s great!”

“We’re just going through the implications of June ’07.” He nods at the papers spread over the table. “This is very good timing, because I know you had some strong views about the amalgamation of departments. You know everyone here?” He pulls out a chair, but I don’t sit down.

“Actually…” My hands are damp and I curl them around the folder. “Actually, I wanted to speak to you. All of you. About…something else.”

David Allbright looks up with a frown. “What?”

“Flooring.”

Simon winces. Someone else mutters, “For God’s sake.”

“Lexi.” Simon’s voice is tight. “We’ve discussed this before. We’ve moved on. We’re no longer dealing in Flooring.”

“But I’ve done a deal! That’s what I want to talk about!” I take a deep breath. “I’ve always felt the archive prints that Deller owns are one of its biggest assets. For several months I’ve been trying to find a way to harness these assets. Now I have a deal in place with a company that would like to use one of our old designs. It’ll raise Deller’s profile. It’ll turn the department around!” I can’t help sounding exhilarated. “I know I can motivate my department. This can be the beginning to something big and exciting! All we need is another chance. Just one more chance!”

I stop breathlessly and survey the faces.

I can see it at once. I have made precisely no impact whatsoever. Sir David has the same impatient frown on his face. Simon looks murderous. One guy is checking his BlackBerry.

“I thought the decision on Flooring had been made,” Sir David Allbright says testily to Simon. “Why are we raising it again?”

“It has been decided, Sir David,” he says hurriedly. “Lexi, I don’t know
what
you’re doing—”

“I’m doing business!” I retort with a clench of frustration.

“Young lady,” Sir David says. “Business is forward-looking. Deller is a new-millennium, high-tech company. We have to move with the times, not cling to the old.”