Remember Me: Oakville Series:Book Two (25 page)

“I know and I appreciate that. I do, but no one will understand how I’m feeling. I don’t even understand it.”

“There is one person who will understand. One person who knows exactly how you feel and what you’re going through. Though, for some reason, that’s the one person you keep avoiding.” There’s a frustrated tone to his voice. “I understand it’s not easy, but you need to be together. None of us can truly understand what the two of you feel. That’s why you need to hold on to each other and talk through those feelings together. I’m afraid if you stay on this path, it will tear you both so far apart there will be no way to put you back together.”

He’s right. I need to man up. I need to keep the promise I made to Amber to always be there for her, no matter what. We’ve already lost too much. I won’t allow us to lose one another as well.

“Thanks. I’m going home to my girl,” I tell him as we get up off the floor. He nods his head and smiles. I go out the back door and jump in my truck. I’ve been such an ass. I didn’t even pick her up from the hospital today. She needed me there and I wasn’t. I hope she can forgive me when I explain everything.

As I pull into the driveway, I notice Angel’s car is here, but also Jax’s. What is he doing here? When I get into the house, Angel is sitting in the kitchen.

“What’s Jax doing here and where is he?” That came out a little harsher than I intended it to. I just don’t like that guy around my wife.

“He came by to see how Amber was holding up. He seemed genuinely concerned about her, which is more than I can say for you lately. He went upstairs to check on her.”

Yeah, I deserve that, but I’m not getting into this with him right now. I turn and go upstairs. When I reach the top, I can hear Amber crying. She’s in the nursery. Why is she in there? I walk over and look through the partially open door. My heart instantly breaks at the sight of my sobbing wife, but my blood boils at the sight of Jax holding her. I know I should walk away, it’s the rational thing to do, but rational is not the way my mind is working right now. I rush in before I can stop myself.

“What the fuck is going on in here?” Venom drips from each word. They both jump. Amber looks nervous and scared. I trust Amber, she’s not the one I’m angry with. But for some reason, I can’t break my glare from her. Jax, as usual, looks cocky, like he’s getting away with something. Jax stands up and grabs Amber’s hand, helping her to stand.

“Relax. I came by to check on her and she was in here by herself, breaking down. Of course, you were nowhere around.” He’s right, I wasn’t here when she needed me. I am pissed at myself, but seeing Jax’s arms around my wife makes me snap. My fist connects with his nose before I can talk myself down. There’s a sickening crack when the two connect, followed by a steady gush of blood. That feels a lot better than it should and I don’t feel guilty at all.

“Oh. My. God. Jax are you okay?” Amber rushes past me to the bathroom. She comes back with a damp towel and hands it to Jax. “What is wrong with you? That was uncalled for!” she yells as she jams her finger into my chest. “I was upset and my friend was here. That’s all this was. You’re behaving like a child. You‘ve been avoiding me like the plague and I’ve needed you! Maybe you should go stay with Paul and Holly until you can learn to grow up! It’s not like you want to be around me lately anyway.” She turns away from me and back to Jax. “Come on, Jax, let’s get some ice on that.” They both start out the door. Jax turns just before he gets through the door and smirks. The son of a bitch. He’s enjoying this.

“Damn it!” I yell. What is wrong with me? I came here to explain myself and make things better. The only thing I’ve managed to do is make it ten times worse. There’s nothing I can do now except what she has asked me too. I’ll give her some time and try again.

I
T TURNED
out to be a beautiful day. The sun is shining and sky is clear and blue. Holly and Becky did a great job planning the service. It’s simple and perfect. I couldn’t have planned it any better. Somehow, I’ve managed to not fall completely apart. When they look at me, they see the mother mourning her children — tears streaming down my face, a gentle hushed sob here and there. That’s what I want them to see so they don’t worry. I’m grieving like I should, but not falling to pieces in the process. Thankfully, they can’t see inside. If they got even a glimpse of how I really feel, it would terrify them all. It scares the hell out of me. There are so many different emotions fighting to take control that I feel like I’m going crazy. How I’m able to contain the storm that rages inside me, I don’t know.

The Pastor announces that the funeral home has a special gift for us. I’m trying so hard to keep up my “together” appearance that the statement doesn’t even register as odd. We all stand and walk a few feet away from the rows of chairs. There’s a table set up with a huge box shaped object on it. A sheet is covering it so I have no idea what’s inside. I start to get a little nervous, hoping that whatever the hell this is it isn’t the one thing that will tear down the wall that’s keeping the storm inside. I cannot break down here. There’s plenty of time for that when I’m alone. An older man and woman that I’ve never seen before walk up to the table. The woman gives me a smile. In that one smile and the pained look in her eyes are a thousand heartfelt words. I feel like she knows my pain and understands the war I’m fighting with myself. She’s been in my shoes, I can feel it. I try to smile back. I have no idea if I actually accomplish a smile or not, it seems impossible to do that today.

The man pulls the sheet from the box and I’m in awe. There, in a cage, are three beautiful, snow white doves. It never crossed my mind to do this today. I look back at Holly and Becky and see that they never thought about it either.

“Mrs. Connor, we see death and grief daily and it’s not something you ever get used to. However, there’s something about you and your babies that really hit us a little harder. We all thought the doves would be a beautiful touch,” the funeral director says, his voice is shaky and full of emotion.

“Thank you. It’s very thoughtful and much appreciated.” There is so much more I would like to say in order to express my thanks. That just doesn’t seem to be enough, but right now, the words won’t come to me. I hope they understand.

The man looks around to make sure everyone is ready. When his eyes land on me, I simply nod. He unlocks the lid of the cage and removes it. I expect the birds to take flight immediately, to seek freedom from the cage, but they don’t. They each wait until they are lifted out of the cage. He raises each one above his head and let’s go. One by one, these beautiful, white doves take flight. They look like angels flying against the pure blue sky. Again, I’m amazed by these majestic birds. They don’t fly away from each other or us right away like I would expect, they gather together, side by side, as they fly. Just like my babies, three beautiful angels in the sky soaring above us. It is somehow peaceful for me to watch them soar back and forth above us together. Even though the tears are flowing much harder now, I’m still under control.

The service is over, but there is one thing left to do. I can’t stay here for it, though. I can’t watch them lower my babies into the ground and cover them. That will most definitely shatter that wall holding me together, but I hate the fact that they would be alone while they are put to rest.

“I’ll stay and watch over them, baby girl. I won’t leave them alone,” Angel whispers in my ear. How does he always know? He’s been my rock through all of this.

“Are you sure? I can’t ask you to do that.”

“You aren’t asking, I offered. And yes, I’m sure. I’ll do anything you need me to do. We’re family and family watches out for each other. I know you can’t watch this but you don’t want them to be alone. I’ll make sure they are not alone.”

“Thank you, Angel. That means so much to me. You have been amazing, I couldn’t have gotten through this without all of your support.”

“I’m glad someone can be there for you at least.” He glares over at Kyle as he says it. “Go ahead before they start. I’ll come by later to check on you.” He hugs me and kisses my cheek. I watch him walk back to the chairs and sit down in the front row.

I turn back and start to walk toward Kyle. I’m hoping we can go home together and put the last few weeks behind us. I just want to be in his arms, to feel safe and loved again like I used to. We haven’t talked much since he punched Jax two days ago. He called me last night and asked if he could pick me up today and come with me to the service. Of course, I said yes. I needed and wanted him with me today. Every day, for that matter. Before I get to him, his phone rings and he doesn’t look happy at all. As I get closer and hear his part of the conversation, I feel that familiar rage bubble up again.

“Can’t I send my manager down? Why does it have to be me?” he bites into the phone. “Fine. I’m on my way.” He gives me a pained look. “That was the security company. They responded to the alarm at the bar. Apparently, there was a break in and they need me there personally. I’m sorry, princess, this is the last thing in the world I wanted to do right now.” I can see by the look in his eyes that he’s being honest. He really doesn’t want to leave me.

“It’s okay. It’s not like you planned this. I’ll get a ride home with Holly. When you finish at the bar, come home. Okay?” I offer, silently praying he says yes.

“Of course. I don’t care if the place has burnt to the ground, I’ll be home in an hour. Tops.” He softly kisses me before running to his truck.

Holly and Paul give me a ride home. They offer to come in and stay until Kyle comes home, but I tell them I’ll be fine. Four hours and ten messages later, I’m not sure if I’m more worried or angry. I try his phone again and it goes straight to voicemail. Knowing that I can’t keep sitting around, wondering what the hell is going on anymore, I grab my purse and phone and start out the front door. I’m looking down, digging through my purse for my keys, when I slam into someone. I jump back.

“Shit, Jax! You scared me. I didn’t notice you there.”

“Sorry. You should pay better attention. Where are you off to in such a hurry?”

I explain it all to him and he offers to drive me to the bar. I accept because I have a strange feeling I’m gonna need a friend. My stomach is in knots, as the dozens of different scenarios running through my mind just keep getting worse.

“Calm down. I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about. After all, this is Mr. Perfect we’re talking about,” Jax jokes with a smile.

“Perfect, he’s not. None of us are.” I’m not convinced though that there’s nothing to worry about. Even with the way Kyle’s been acting lately, this isn’t like him. Something is wrong. Either he’s hurt or ignoring me on purpose, there’s no other explanation.