Remember When 3: The Finale (Remember Trilogy #3) (25 page)

  
“Post-mortem. Interesting choice of words,” I answered back, practically scowling at the sudden shift in subject matter. “Everything feels like it’s dying between us.”

   “Oh, come on. Surely, you don’t mean that.”

   “I do. And don’t call me Shirley.”

  
He chuckled at that. “You compared every relationship you ever had to Trip. I’m sure that whatever happened between you two can be fixed.”

  
“Maybe.”

  
I was lost in that thought until Dad startled me out of it. “He came to see me, you know. I think he was really looking for you.”

   “
What? When?”

   “
Oh, a few years back. He was visiting his mother up there in that big house of hers on the hill, and stopped by to say hello. His arm was all bandaged up from when he broke it, remember? When he was filming that movie in the city and you interviewed him? We sat out back and shot the breeze for a while.”

  
Remember?
Was he kidding?

   I was knocked out
. “You never told me that!”

   “
He said you wouldn’t give him the time of day, wouldn’t go out with him while he was in town. I guess you’d just gotten engaged to that Fields guy—stop looking at me like that. Of course I knew—and you were trying to do the right thing by staying away from him. We both had a chuckle over that one. That you didn’t trust yourself to be anywhere near him.”

   “
You
knew
that?
Trip
knew?”

   “
You were always nuts about that kid. Heck, I always liked him too. He was a good kid. And now he’s a good
man
. But you need to decide whether you’re going to keep trying to find someone else who measures up, or settle down with the real thing. No relationship is perfect, Loo. You have to decide to accept the imperfections and realize that what matters is that you’re perfect
together
. All the other stuff is just the small stuff. It doesn’t matter.”

   “It’s actually kin
d of big stuff, Dad,” I said, picking at the linen placemat in front of me.

  
My father leaned back in his chair, folding his hands across his belly. “Did he beat you? Cheat on you? Start drinking again?”

  
“No, of course not. Nothing like that.”

   “Then it’s not ‘big stuff
.’ It’s just stuff you haven’t figured a way through, yet.” He got up from the table and gave me a kiss on the top of my head. “You two’ll figure it out. Have a little faith, sweetheart.”

Chapter
30

FINDING HOME

   I needed air.

   I decided to go for a walk to
try and sort some stuff out.

  
The ground had thawed while I was gone, and the rainy season was about to begin. I watched as little rivulets formed along the curb and dribbled down the street. Spring was well on its way, and I hoped its return would make
everything
new again. Maybe the coming season would be a good time for rebirth. Renewal.

   Repair.

   What the hell was wrong with me? Here I had everything I’d ever wanted. No. Wait. Not just wanted, but prayed for, begged for, spent countless years hoping for. How dare I even question it? It took us forever to get there. It took us forever to just
be in love
, to give ourselves over to it.
There it was. Right there in my hands.

   And we were
threatening to ruin everything.

  
Every person I had ever loved was still a part of my life. Except one. Trip had lost a parent of his own. Why were we punishing
each other
for abandonments we had nothing to do with? We spent more time condemning each other for stuff we didn’t do, accusing each other of being people we never were.

  
If I weren’t so focused on my fear, I could have seen that he’d done
everything
to show me that he loved me. Hell, he repeatedly said it flat-out, which, for him, let’s face it, is a fricking miracle. What had I done to convince him that
I
did? I should have spent my time out there reveling in every joyous moment of having him back in my life. Instead, I pushed him about other women, I pushed him about his ex-fiancée, I pushed him about his father.

  
I pushed him away.

  
When he had never threatened to leave.

  
I swiped a tear from my eye and breathed in the mild, late-winter air. It was time to let go. Let go of my insecurity, my anger, my fears. It was time to let my life happen.

  
Everything that had gone wrong between us was due to outside forces and the stupid ways we went about dealing with them. It shouldn’t have to be like that. It should only be about us. Our
us
had nothing to do with our
them
.

  
By the time I’d made the trek back to my block, I started formulating a plan to come back to him in some big way. I hadn’t really settled on anything, because all my ideas seemed half-baked and insignificant. I needed something
huge
.

  
Out of pure habit, I jumped up to grab a leaf off my tree and sat down at the curb, turning it over in my hands.

  
And when I did… I noticed that something was
written
on it:

 
 
I love you

  
I ran back to the tree and noticed even more marked leaves, so I climbed up as quickly as possible (skillfully as ever, I might add), and sat my butt in my old favorite spot. Every single leaf along the lower branches—
every single one
—had writing on them, and they all said the same thing:

 
 
I love you

  
My stomach just about burst into smithereens. I sat there, trying to catch my breath as I looked at the pieces of Trip’s heart scattered around me. There I was, thinking of hiring a skywriter, and Trip had hired someone to do
this
.

   I pulled my Nokia out of my back pocket and called him
. I was actually hoping he wouldn’t answer. If he didn’t pick up the phone, it would mean he wasn’t there. And if he wasn’t there, then maybe he was…

  
“Hello?”

  
No such luck.

  
I had barely said hello back when he launched in breathlessly, “Where are you?”

  
I pictured him sitting out by his pool, enjoying the warm weather, the California sun shining on his beautiful face. “Oh, you know. Just sitting in a tree.”

   He didn’t say anything at that, and I knew it was major confession time. I had my reservations, but I owed him this. “I’m sorry, Trip.
I should have just said I was sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed you about your dad; I should have tried to be more understanding about your life out there.”

   I heard his release of breath, the breath he’d probably been holding for the past twenty-four hours. “
I’m
sorry I let you leave. I let you walk out that door thinking that I wanted you to go.”

   “I was a jealous lunatic about those other women.”

   “I wasn’t exactly rational about seeing the way other men looked at you, either.”

  
“I was a total bitch about your ex.”

   “So was I.”

   That made me laugh. I gripped the phone in my hand, wishing I could turn into vapor and slide right through the receiver to be with him.

  
“Look,” I said. “We’re not doing this anymore. If this is going to work, I don’t think either of us should leave the room anymore if there are unanswered questions. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we didn’t used to be the best communicators. I thought we were making some pretty good strides in that department, when we could calm down and just talk about stuff. Even the fighting was better than just clamming up and wondering. I’m not going back to that. I’m not wasting any more time. If there’s something that needs saying…
we’re going to
say it
. We’ve wasted too much time by not telling each other what we really mean. Got it?”

  
“Brain-vomit at every turn. Got it.”

  
“And I swear I’ll try to be more understanding about the fame thing. I’ll lay off the tabloids. I’ll be polite to your fans and your ex-sluts. They don’t matter to me. They have nothing to do with us. And I won’t push you anymore about stuff you’re not ready to face. I’ll help you along, but I’ll let you work on it at your own pace.” I snickered and added, “Maybe we need a safe word or something.”

  
“My
ex-sluts
—and my sanity—thank you.” I heard him chuckle as he added, “And yeah. You’re right. There were times when we did pretty great with all that relationship stuff. I don’t want to go backwards either.
I’ll
try to stop exploding and start talking from now on.”

  
Oh,
God
, was I in love with that man. Every part of him. I realized right then in that second that that love even included his past indiscretions, his present stubbornness about his father, his future fame. It was okay to just let that stuff be what it was. We were so much more than the sum of our parts.

  
“But even more important, it’s time to let go, Trip. We need to let go of our bad habits from the past.
Let go of the hurt. The hurt we caused one another, the hurt other people caused us.
Can we do that? Do you think that we can try?”   

  
Suddenly, a black truck screeched to a stop in front of the house, and Trip’s voice was coming from two different directions. “Damn. The birds have gotten huge since I left town.”

   I
watched his beautiful form walking toward me as my jaw dropped. I flipped my phone
shut in a daze, my heart practically bursting out of my chest. “You’re here! What are you doing here?”

   “
What do you think?”

   “
I think you’re here to check out my vandalized tree. Wait. You got a cell phone?! And you learned how to have your calls forwarded?!”

  
He crammed a fist into the front pocket of his jeans as he laughed. “Well, who do you think did all this?”

   “
I thought you hired somebody. When did you do this?”

  
He rubbed a hand along the back of his neck. “Middle of the night. You have no idea how much self-control it took not to throw pebbles at your window.”

   I smiled,
reminiscing at the sweet memory. “You really did this? You’re such a jerk!”

   “
Call me crazy, but I was expecting a different reaction.”

  
That made me laugh. “No, I meant I was just sitting here trying to think of something awesome to do for
you
, and you go and beat me to it.”

  
“Guess I’m just more awesome than you. Why? What was
your
plan?”

   I b
it my lip. “It
may
have involved an electric guitar-playing clown singing ‘Paradise City’.”

  
“Damn. I would’ve liked to have seen that. Can we pretend I didn’t do this leaf thing?”

  
“Like I could ever forget this.” I jumped down from the tree and stood in front of him
,
feeling almost shy as I did so. “You’re here.”

  
“I’m here.”

  
Holy balls! He really was! It felt like way longer than just twenty-four hours since I’d seen him. I’d already gone into withdrawals. So much had happened in that time. So much still needed to happen before we could be okay. But I knew we would make things right. We’d get through it eventually; it just didn’t have to be right then. Because right then, he was actually standing there in front of me.

   All I ever needed
from him was him.

  
We stood there, staring into each other’s eyes as he spoke. “Look. I should’ve noticed that you were having a hard time out there. I should have put all those girls in their place for trying to make you feel second-rate. I should have stood up for you about that magazine cover; should have gone and kicked Fields’ ass instead of letting you think you needed to do it on your own. And I get why you made that deal. I get it now. I’m sorry you—”

  
“Shut up. Just shut up. You had me at ‘Damn the birds have gotten huge’.”

  
He looked at me in barely contained hysteria, his lips pursed together, stifling a laugh at my
Jerry Maguire
.

  
Oh, now I just
needed
to break him.

  
I exaggerated a shaky voice to repeat, “You had me at ‘Damn the birds have gotten huge’.”

  
At that, he cracked the hell up, and I joined him before wrapping my arms around his neck and planting a big, sloppy smooch on his laughing mouth.

  
Trip pulled back, his hands smoothing up and down my arms. “You’re right about how that outside stuff doesn’t mean anything. The only thing that matters is
us
. Screw everything else.” He brushed a hand through his hair, his eyes meeting mine in a sheepish grin to add, “We also need to stop relying on singing telegrams and Skittles and leaves on a tree to show what we should be telling each other instead. I guess I’ve always been afraid to put myself out there like that. I can jump off an exploding building, but telling you how I feel has always been even more terrifying. So I relied on
things
to tell you instead. If I had told you that day in your apartment… If I had just come right out and said that I loved you, you wouldn’t have had any doubts. But instead, I sent that stupid lunchbox to tell you for me.”

   “
If
I
hadn’t been so dense and insecure, I would have heard you.”

  
He smiled at that; a sad, happy, lopsided grin for all the things that had gone wrong between us, for all the things that had gone right. “You were right about another thing, though, Lay. You
are
my Rosebud. But not in the way you think. I’m not using you to try and get back to the last time my life was innocent and wonderful. Because you were a part of that, no doubt—a huge part of it—but only because I loved you then. And I love you now.
You
, not the slice of life you represent.
I knew it that first day I saw you sitting in that desk in Mrs. Mason’s, trying not to look at me while I introduced myself to the class, and I never stopped. It’s always been you and me, Lay, and I think you know that; or you would, if you’d get your head out of your ass long enough to realize it. You know it’s true. I’m trying to get back to
you
. Hell, I just flew clear across the country just to tell you this in person. I’d like to think I’m gonna get
some
credit for it.”

   I stood there staring into the
pleading eyes of that incredible man, the tears streaming down my face. Aside from that whole ‘head in my ass’ thing, it was the most beautiful thing he’d ever said to me.

  
That was, until the
next
thing he said to me.