Remembering Brad: On the Loss of a Son to AIDS (14 page)

As for the uncertainty about getting back into school, I don’t know how to read that. Is it that your private life is unstable and so emotionally absorbing that you can’t concentrate? Is it just that you don’t have a certain career goal? Is it that you can’t handle the financial problems associated with getting back into school? Per-haps you just don’t care about “formal learning.” But lack of restraint and stability may have some bearing on the matter.

Brad, you and I both know that you have a keen mind, one that can benefit from more rigorous mental discipline. A good liberal arts education continued on the present foundation will be ever so valuable to you, aside from the question of careers. Maybe you’ll end up wanting more than just four years, but at least when you get that B.A. you won’t have to hesitate about searching for, applying for jobs that have a future, because not only will you have a better trained mind, you’ll have a recognized credential. So why wait to get on with it? Set your goal, then if there are obstructions, find ways to get around them. As for being a waiter, that’s OK if it’s a means to an end, like getting ahead so you can go to college again. But not just so you can work less. Work more! Get two jobs if necessary! It will do wonders toward relieving ennui, and it will make you positively
glad
to get back to school.

Well, this may give you something to grind your teeth about
—
or to think about. Whatever your reaction, these thoughts are at least well-intended on my part … .

Love, Dad

* * *

Sunday, 24 August 1980

Dear Brad,

… Ron and I had some good talks while we were hiking, about God and our relation to Him, about goals for middle-aged types like us; and we talked some about you. Ron seems to be quite open-minded about homosexuality, that is, he is convinced that it isn’t well understood, that the jury is still out on some aspects of it. Certainly he feels that many people are unchristian in their response to homosexuals. I think he doesn’t consider it the best way to go if one has any choice in the matter, but he acknowledges the possibility that one may not. His concern for you just now was that you may be in an environment that is not desirable in terms of your total development. He raised the question of the kind of friends you may have, not necessarily whether they are homo- or heterosexual, but what kind of values they may have otherwise in the larger scheme of things. It was an interesting question for someone like me who is greatly interested in your happiness and welfare. It causes me to think of those areas that Socrates spoke of as essential in our lives
—
the good, the true, and the beautiful. Or call them ethics, knowledge, and aesthetics, if you will. I think you should reflect on the implications of these facets in your life, particularly consider the tension that exists between the ethical and the aesthetic. I think the richest life comes as a result of keeping these in an appropriate balance, and I think if there is a tendency in your life just now, it would be to be vulnerable to the aesthetic life, to the exclusion of the ethical. Don’t misunderstand me; I don’t mean to suggest that you are hedonistic or lacking in principles, etc., but you are certainly living in an environment which leans very heavily toward the aesthetic orientation. I am speaking not particularly of the gay community, about which I am not well informed (though I know that many in that subculture are primarily aesthetically oriented) but about the kind of attitudes that are widely prevalent in the free lifestyles of southern California. I can’t develop this very satisfactorily in a one-sided letter conversation, but it’s something for you to think about. How
are
your friends and acquaintances oriented? What really matters to them? Are they the kind who will stick with you when things go a little awry? Are they durable? What do they stand for in terms of building and preserving culture? Do their basic values square with yours? This is not the heavy father but the friendly, loving father speaking to a son whom he very much respects. Perhaps sometime in the near future we’ll have an opportunity to talk of these things in person, and if you are interested I can refer you to Matthew Arnold, Thomas Mann, Thomas Carlyle, Plato, and others who were interested too in these matters … .

Love, Dad

P.S. I do need to know what you want done with your church membership records. Can’t you send the name of your friendly neighborhood ward? Then you can establish whatever kind of relationship or non-relationship with them you wish. If it is a problem for you, it is nonetheless one for which
you
should take the responsibility.

* * *

26 October 1980

Dear Brad,

Well, it’s been a week since you interrupted with your most welcome phone call just as I wrote the date on this page…. Again, thanks for the letter you wrote us. I delight in your awakened interest in the many facets of life around you and in their interrelationship. That your experience in L.A. has stimulated your desire to learn, to gain basic practical knowledge is all to the good. Remember that completing your college education is only a part of the process. Much of what you want to learn can be (and ought to be) learned informally through private reading and discussion and activity. You mentioned having fallen into the habit of sleeping excessively. That doesn’t sound consistent with the thirst for growth you described in your letter. I expect it was temporary, but you could use 2 or 3 or 4 extra hours daily to very good advantage. The things you want to accomplish are worthy, but they require some organization and some discipline. Read Benjamin Franklin’s
Autobiography
. We can all learn something from him in that respect.

I was interested in what you wrote about ethics and moral obligation. That is a very complex and important subject. One can’t be fully human without having worked out some kind of ethical position. Certainly there are differences of opinion about what ethical behavior involves, and it would be surprising if you and I or anyone were to agree on every particular of what is moral and ethical. Thus I understand what you mean, I think, when you wonder if
my
ethics is entirely relevant in your situation. But at the same time there is a bedrock of ethical principles on which I hope you and I agree, including the following: the golden rule, honesty and fairness in dealing with others, respect for others’ rights, respect for life, willingness to contribute one’s share to the common good, etc. If your evolving ethical philosophy doesn’t embrace these, then I’m concerned for you. But I feel pretty confident that regardless of our differing experience, we’ll continue to accept these basics. I would enjoy some extended discussion of this subject with you when we can (indeed, it’s a subject I enjoy discussing with just about anyone)….

Much love, Dad

* * *

9 April 1981

Dear Brad,

There is a lull in the action at this State Board meeting which will give me time to write a few thoughts to you. We were glad to talk with you the other evening, though I must confess that the substance of your call, that is, your decision not to continue with school, came as a considerable surprise to me. I believe it was that element of surprise more than anything else that left me somewhat vague in my response. “The readiness is all,” says Hamlet at one point, and it seems that what you were trying to tell us is just that the moment is not ripe for you to be at the university now. No one is more convinced than I that pursuing a course at the university is frustrating and almost pointless if you are doing so without enthusiasm, if your heart isn’t in it, if the work seems unrelated to your life or your future goals. You can only force it to a certain degree; beyond that it doesn’t work. I have seen more than a few students in just your state of mind
—
and have seen the difference in them and their work when they returned after a few years with an honest motivation originating in their own desires, not in family or social expectation. I know too, of course, that many able, determined individuals have succeeded in life
—
professionally and personally
—
without a college degree; a degree is not a
sine qua non
. When one reads John Henry Newman’s classic treatise,
The Idea of a University
, a liberal arts education seems like a highly broadening, tempering experience; unfortunately many college degree recipients don’t have that kind of education anyway
—
they just get practical training
—
and job training in some kinds of work you can get elsewhere.

You are the one most in touch with your life, your goals. And you have time (I remember that my own college experience occurred largely after I was married
—
ages 23-26, 28-32). So don’t feel pressured to do what is not “ready.” I suspect sometime in the future you’ll feel an
inner
urge to do some more college work. When that happens, if it does
—
and it might be twenty years from now
—
you’ll find satisfaction in it along with the hard, sometimes frustrating work. But please don’t ever feel you have to do it for the people you know in Idaho. If you never go back and you are happy with the results of that decision, it is certainly all right by me.

Parents try to advise their offspring in terms of choosing paths that are in
general
most likely to lead to satisfying outcomes. But what is good in general may not be good
specifically
. You are now an adult and able to make good decisions for yourself. Perhaps it will be for you as it is for some, you’ll bounce around, progressing by trial and error rather than moving straight towards your goal. Well, such learning is part of life. College learning
can
be very good for some people, it can have good effects
—
in general. But it is only in the general sense that we encouraged you along those lines. I’m sure you see what I mean. I really hope you know that “my goal” for you (a misleading phrase) is not that you should be made in my image. And I hope you know that I have confidence in your ability to plan intelligently for
your
future. After all, it is yours to plan and live.

I was sorry to learn how you feel about coming home. I hope it is not because you feel you have to defend your life against criticism from us. And I hope you know that our love for you and our concern for you are not conditioned by or qualified by “where” you are now. Maybe the problem is that you feel some ambivalence in yourself between the old life here and your new life in California
—
and coming home is apt to stir up that tension. If that is the difficulty, I guess you’ll just have to resolve it yourself, and that may take some time. Years perhaps? I hope we won’t have to wait that long to see you. In any case, I hope your problem with coming home is not due to your not being able to respect and appreciate any longer our values and the way of life here.

April 20: Have just read the paragraph above and have a different thought about it: relax about the coming home business. Don’t make a bigger deal of it than it deserves. If you expect trauma, the expectation will probably be self-fulfilling. Accentuate the positive, as the song says….

We think of you often and send our love. Dad

* * *

12 July 1981

Dear Brad,

… Apropos of my trip to L.A., I still have extremely positive feelings about it. You were a very fine host/guide, and I enjoyed simply everything we did and saw. But most of all I was glad to revitalize our relationship as close friends. I am glad to have learned some of the things you taught me; I sincerely feel that my perspective was broadened by several degrees
—
and in more ways than one. I would be glad if you were to feel similarly benefitted by our dialogue, which I found challenging and enjoyable. I had begun to forget how much we have in common aesthetically and intellectually.

It is exciting to see someone (like you) intensely engaged in the business of self-discovery, self-definition. Though it is a struggle at times, the kind of conscious quest you are involved in can be
—
on the whole
—
so rewarding. I came home convinced that you are making good progress in your effort to find authenticity. I found you developing your sensitivities on many fronts, and I rejoice to find that you are cultivating your ethical sensibilities as much as anything else. I want you to know that I do believe in you, that I have faith in your ability to find authenticity and a meaningful future, that I am proud of you. You have great challenges ahead of you, and though you are taking some risks, I think you will manage to stay in control. But I do not think anyone is invulnerable. It does not seem smart to me to prolong risk-taking indefinitely when the learning or benefits involved begin to decline.

I was much impressed with what you had to say about mind/mental control of one’s life, relationships, health, etc. I believe you are right in asserting that a person can have enormous influence on his own “destiny,” his own course of development. One of the reasons I believe strongly in your future is that you believe in it and are determined to make it fruitful. You are facing a number of practical problems
—
financial and social
—
and you must make important education and career choices. Regard these not as obstacles but as opportunities. I am confident you can find solutions and can handle the occasional frustrations that go along with choosing not-the-easiest path….

Apropos of your coming home for a visit: I still think it is important that you do it this summer, and I trust you remain of a similar persuasion. One of the most important things I gained from my visit was the example of the Boyd family [an extended family, observed at a 4th of July picnic, which showed comfortable and loving acceptance of a gay son and his friends]. Through them I now know
—
not just intellectually but on a deep emotional level
—
that the relationship of a gay family member like you to the greater family can be close and rewarding for all
—
including your brothers’ eventual wives. So it is essential that we continue to cultivate our knowledge and understanding of each other in person as much as possible….