Retribution (Book 3 of The Dominion Series) (6 page)

"Tell me!"

Finally, he closes his eyes and exhales heavily. "I'm eight hundred years old. I know how to block someone. Control what they see."

Numbness fills me, my body tingling as if I'm going to faint. "Have you ever
once
told me the truth?"

Again, I struggle beneath him, my horror growing with each minute.

“Eve,” Michel says. “It wasn't me. It was Soren's compulsion. I would
never
kill your mother. You must see that from the memory!"

I can't even look at him, turning my head away, my emotions starting to choke me. He tries desperately to turn my face back, but I keep my eyes closed. Even his attempt to release some kind of calming hormone fails to comfort me.

"Let me
go
."

"No," he says, "not until you understand."

"How can I
ever
understand?"

He finally rolls off me and I crawl away from him, his semen slick on my thighs. I run to the bathroom and kneel down to vomit in the toilet. He follows me and stands over me, holding my hair as I retch.

When I'm finished, I turn around and push him away. "Leave me alone!"

"No," he says and lifts me up, using his superior power to restrain me. His expression is almost desperate but also angry. He presses me against the wall, taking my face in his hands and I’m powerless to stop him.

“
I
didn’t kill her, ” he says. "Soren did. I was just his weapon."

“Don’t,” I say. "How can I be with you knowing this?"

“Eve, don't do this,” he says and turns my face back. “You're not thinking straight. You must understand I was compelled to do it."

"You were
with
him."

"I was trying to find a way to
stop
him."

"I'm leaving."

"I won't let you," he says. "I’ve paid such a high price for you. For all of this.” He waves his hand to the cottage, pointing outside to the ocean. “I can’t have you misunderstand. I can’t have you hate me.” He presses his body against mine and his voice is almost a whisper. “I can’t bear it.”

A rush of something like Nirvana floods through me and it's so intense, I can’t keep my eyes open. All my anger and sadness dissipate and I feel nothing. When I open my eyes again, I’m staring into his blue ones, and his eyes are wet.

“Eve, I
love
you. I think I’ve loved you since I saw you perform on stage in London. I know that sounds wrong, but you can’t know what it’s like to watch mortals being born, growing up, growing old and dying. For eight centuries I’ve watched while the mortals I’ve known have died. I’ve tried to give you up, but I can’t.” He sighs and leans his arm on the wall, pressing his forehead to mine. “I just
can’t
. I gave up everything to save you. Don't misunderstand what happened.”

He takes in a ragged breath and runs his finger along my bottom lip, his mind searching mine for any shred of understanding.

“You also gave me that drug to make me forget but it made me forget too much," I say, "and I almost died."

He closes his eyes. "I was trying to prevent you from being traumatized by what happened."

"You mean remembering that it was you who killed her,” I say.

“
Eve
,” he says, frustration in his voice. "Let me explain…"

“Stop,” I say and hold up my hand. “I’ve heard enough. I don’t want to hear any more. I can barely stand to look at you.”

I cover my eyes, trying to regain control over my emotions, for whatever he’s done to me is wearing off.

“I’m going back to my parents’ cottage and try to figure all of this out. When you're ready to tell me only the truth,
all
of it, you can come to me.”

“I’m
telling
you the truth.”

“I need to be away from you so I can think for myself.”

He shakes his head. “You’re not leaving me.”

“I
am
. The only reason I didn't leave you when I first learned that you lied to me was because you had me so wrapped around your little finger.”

"You want the truth?" he says and I can hear in his voice just how close he is to losing control. "I
never
had you wrapped around my little finger. If I had, none of this would have happened. If anything, it was the other way around. I could never refuse
you
.
You
wanted
me
, Eve, and I gave in to you despite my better judgment.
That's
the truth."

"You gave in to
me?
" I'm unable to comprehend what he means. "Are you saying you didn’t want me?”

“No,” he says and I can hear frustration in his voice. “No. I wanted you.
God
, I wanted you. But I didn’t want you to be in this world of ours. If you had to be, I wanted to give you the choice. I wanted you to be free to choose. You did. You chose
me
.”

“That's the biggest lie of all. All you ever talked about was me submitting to you. Giving in to you and your need for control."

"It's the truth. You just don't understand. You've always had the power, Eve. Not me. That's how it works."

I shake my head and turn away.

"It's the other way around. It's the Dominant who has the power. The submissive gives it over. That's called power exchange."

"Yes, but the exchange is always on the submissive's terms. All of it is on their terms."

"The Dominant writes the contract. They're his terms."

"She accepts or amends those terms. She decides how far to go, using safe words. The Dominant is her servant, Eve. He gives her what she needs – submission. The freedom to feel everything without judgment or guilt or responsibility. Those who aren't part of a Dominant/submissive relationship misunderstand." He shakes his head. "Eve, I
want
you. To have you, I'll do whatever you want. I’ll give you whatever you need.
Whatever
you need. But what you think you need and what you really need are two different things." He takes my hand and something sweet rushes through me. "It's always been that way with you." He moves even closer, his fingers brushing against my cheek. He looks in my eyes. "You don’t know what you want because you’re fighting for your life, every moment of your life. You’re so afraid to stop fighting and listen to your heart."

I shake my head, for it doesn't make sense.

"I really want to be equal."

"You really want
me
," he says, his voice soft. "I know it." He wraps his arm around my shoulders and presses his forehead against mine. "You want to sit on my lap with my arms around you. You want me to protect you. You want to be safe, completely safe for once. You want to be absolved of guilt for what Thompson did to you. When you give over total control to me, I can do all of this for you." He closes his eyes. "I can make you feel safe. I can make you feel alive. That’s what all this is about. That’s why I’ve done everything that I have – so you can finally be safe and be free to feel pleasure without guilt. All you have to do is just surrender and I will take care of your every need. Your every desire."

"Surrender to you."

He opens his eyes. "Surrender to
yourself
, Eve."

I'm so confused by his words, my mind shuts down.

"You’ll have to force me to stay."

He frowns. “I will.”

“I’ll hate you for it.”

“You
must
be safe,” he says, his jaw clenched. “I’ve given up everything for you. I can’t have you taken from me. I almost lost you," he says and covers his eyes.

“Then protect me," I say, unable to look at him. "But I'm going back to my parents. I won’t stay here. I’ll contact you if and when I want to see you.”

I go to the bedroom, dressing quickly. He follows me and just stands in the doorway watching me. He's devastated but so am I. Even though we just fucked, I feel
nothing
but numb. He's beautiful, but he's ultimately a stranger who I don't remember. Worse, he's the vampire who killed my mother. The one who left me alone with her bloody body on the floor in her lab.

I push past him, grab my overnight bag and march to the door.

“It’s the middle of the night,” he says, holding the door closed with his hand. “You’re not going anywhere now.”

“You can drive me back,” I say, not looking at him. “I have a key and the cottage has an alarm system. I’ll be safe.”

“You’ll never be safe unless you’re with me.”

“Obviously, I wasn't safe with you. What if Soren compels you to kill
me
now?"

He shakes his head.

“Eve, I
love
you. You love me.”

I shut his words out of my brain because while they’re pretty, they mean nothing to me. They’re just words.

“If you're worried about me, send your security team back to guard the cottage.”

“They’re not available tonight.”

I throw my hands up in exasperation. “Then stay outside in your car. I’m not doing this,” I say and point to the cottage. “I’m not going to be a fuck toy for my mother's killer. I’m not going to be your little submissive. Or your Adept.”

I reach for the doorknob and open the door, but he refuses to let me leave and grabs my arm, squeezing hard.

I glare at him. “Are you
actually
going to stop me from leaving?”

"I've never been able to stop you from doing anything." He slams the door shut, his brow furrowed, his lips thin. He closes his eyes for a moment as if trying to control his anger and then he shakes his head.

“Eve. This can’t be happening.” He presses his naked body against me, his hands cupping my face. “I
love you
. How many times do I have to say it?” He presses his lips against my mouth and it’s only because he's affected my brain that I don’t push him away and he knows it. After a moment, when he feels no response from me, when my body is silent, unaffected by his kiss, he pulls back, his eyes searching my face. Then his arms drop and he glances away, giving in.

He goes to the bedroom and quickly dresses then returns to me, opening the door. I go outside to the driveway where his car sits. We drive the short distance to my parent’s cottage and he joins me as I open the front door.

“Eve,” he says, before I can close the door. “You’re not even going to say goodnight?”

I look at his face. He’s so beautiful standing there, his hair a mess, hanging in his blue eyes, his face filled with pain, but I feel nothing for him. Nothing but anger. No, actually I
enjoy
seeing his pain.

Nothing more.

I close and lock the door, then set the alarm. I stand in the darkness of the foyer feeling like I can't catch my breath and watch as he stands there for a moment with his head down. Finally, he returns to his car and just sits there, pulling his collar up, his arms folded across his chest.

He’s actually going to sit there the rest of the night?

I turn and my father’s standing in the hallway in his pajamas and housecoat. He rubs his forehead, brushing his grey-brown hair out of his eyes.

“What’s the matter? Why are you back? I thought you’d gone to be with Michel…”

“I know everything,” I say, going to him and hugging him, the tears starting. “He killed my mother. I’m not staying with him.”

He takes in a big breath and hugs me back.

“I’m sorry. We had no idea. We agreed to his demands so we could have you back with us. After the bombing, when we almost lost you, we would have done anything to get you back.”

“I know. I don’t blame you.”

“If you need to talk…”

I shake my head.

“This is something I have to figure out myself.”

I go to my bedroom and crawl under my covers, tossing and turning for hours, unable to sleep.

CHAPTER FIVE

"A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love."

Stendhal

The next two weeks pass pretty much as they had before Michel returned to my life. I get up and have breakfast with my parents, walk the beach, and sit on the patio to eat my lunch while watching the ocean. Michel doesn’t intrude. He gives me the space I asked for.

Security has returned and so I have the time to think about my life and what I want now that I know the truth. I go over the journal again and again. It’s clear that I loved Michel. It’s clear that he loved me but how can I be with the vampire who killed my mother? I realize he was compelled to do it, but he was
with
Soren. He's complicit in what happened. And then there’s Julien – could I love him? I can’t believe I had sex with both of them. My journal says I thought Michel was gone for good and that I eventually turned to Julien out of loneliness and despair.