Return to Marker Ranch (21 page)

It was a side of Wade Lori hadn't seen. She'd always known him as a solitary guy. Seeing the love between him and his sister and Todd was melting away the last of her doubts and worries. Somehow, despite his upbringing, he was a really good guy. He was so strong, battling PTSD every day. And he was a family guy.

And she knew in that moment that she wanted Wade to be
her
family. She'd told him it was too soon when he'd proposed. Too early to make a lifelong commitment. But watching him with Nora and Todd, witnessing his bravery in the parade today, she had no more doubts about what she wanted. She wanted a life with him. A lifelong bond. She wanted Nora as her sister and Todd as her brother. And Wade as her husband, to love and cherish forever.

Everything seemed to tilt for a moment. Wade was her love. She wanted him for life. And then he was swooping her up in a hug that spun her off her feet. She was laughing and he was kissing her hair, oblivious of her monumental realization. “I saw you,” he said, setting her down and kissing her solidly on the mouth. “I saw you all along the route. Thank you!”

She grinned at him. “Anytime. I mean it.”

He kissed her again, in front of his sister and Todd, in front of his fellow veterans and the town of Benson. “I love you, Lori Allen. Thank you for being so good to me.”

“My pleasure.” She hugged him back. And caught Nora's thumbs-up over Wade's shoulder. Everything clicked into place. She was where she should be. Where she needed to be. And it was a perfect feeling.

 

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

W
ADE
LOOKED
HAPPIER
and more carefree than Lori had ever seen him as they walked through the crowd at the High Country Sports Bar. Every few steps there was someone new who wanted to shake hands or give him a high five. A few people even thanked him for his service. It was the perfect end to an amazing Veterans Day.

Wade pulled her straight onto the dance floor. “You look beautiful,” he said, leading her into a smooth two-step.

She flushed. She was wearing one of Mandy's dresses again. Wade had let out a low whistle when he'd seen it and instantly devoted all his energy to removing it, which had ended with them in Lori's bed and her having to start the whole getting-ready process over again.

Not that she was complaining. The music slowed and he pulled her close, and she put her cheek on his chest and swayed with him. Breathing in his scent, feeling him so perfectly close. A deep contentment settled over her and she sighed.

“You okay down there?” Wade murmured into her hair.

“Doing good,” she said. “So glad to be here with you.”

She closed her eyes, savoring the feel of him, disappointed when the song ended.

“Want to grab that table?” he pointed to a two-top near the back of the bar. It was perfect. A place where they could retreat and talk, if he needed a break from the day's celebration.

“It's perfect. Will you grab us a couple beers?”

“Absolutely.”

But she caught his hand before he could walk away and stood up on tiptoes to brush her lips over his mouth. When she pulled away, he brought his mouth to hers, kissing her a lot harder than she'd kissed him. The satisfying kiss of a man who clearly wanted more. “I'm glad to be here,” he said quietly. “But I'm ready to go at any time if you decide you'd like to continue this celebration somewhere more private.”

She kissed him again, long and hard, and she was pretty sure, when she pulled away, that his eyes looked a little bit crossed. “Soon,” she whispered. “Beer first,” she added, giving him a little shove toward the bar, and she went to claim their table.

* * *

T
HE
BAR
WAS
crowded and Wade had to wait a while for the bartender to get to him, but he didn't really mind. It was nice to have a moment in the anonymous crowd to process what had happened today. He'd walked in the Veterans Day parade, and no one had thrown eggs. No one had booed. In fact, the crowd had cheered. For the first time in ages, it felt like his family didn't matter. His PTSD didn't matter. All that mattered was that he'd given his time to his country, and people appreciated that.

And now he got to celebrate that, here with his friends from the support group, and Lori.

A swell of noise behind him had Wade glancing over his shoulder. A whole group of people had arrived, a younger crowd than him. The guys jostling each other, the girls who hung on their arms giggling at all their lame jokes.
It's no big deal
.
Just loud people waiting for beer just like I am.
But the old instincts reared their hypervigilant heads. The group was like a wall, hemming him in, separating him from the door.

Be logical
. There was an exit sign to his left. A few running steps and he'd be out the side door. Not that he'd have any reason to flee.

Their noise seemed to press against his back. One guy made a crass comment about a woman's body, and Wade's annoyance flared.
Not your problem.
Just get your beers and get on back to Lori and enjoy your night.

His heart was pounding by the time he got his order in. He slapped his money on the counter and grabbed the bottles, needing to get away from the press of people.

Emerging, relieved, from the crowd by the bar, he took a few calming breaths and looked for Lori. The table they'd chosen was empty, though her jacket was on the back of her chair. He set her beer down there anyway. Maybe she'd seen a friend or headed for the restroom.

Taking a gulp from his bottle, he idly scanned the dance floor. And saw Lori. She was dancing with some guy. Jealousy flooded hot beneath his skin. The man was dancing close. Way too close.
Don't be stupid
, he told himself.
She has every right to dance with a friend.

But the friend looked familiar. And then he realized who it was. Seth. The ranch hand she'd fired. What the hell was she doing dancing with him? Wade set down his beer and walked to the edge of the dance floor.

Lori's face came into view, and she didn't look happy. She looked pale and angry. She was enduring this dance, though he had no idea why. Wade watched carefully, trying to catch her eye. When he did, she gave a small shake of her head as if telling him to back off.

Seth grabbed her hand and twirled her innocently enough, except that either he was a terrible dancer or he was deliberately trying to pull her off balance. Lori staggered a tiny bit and regained composure, then said something sharp to Seth. That was all the information Wade needed. He crossed the floor in seconds. “Mind if I cut in?”

“Wait your turn, Hoffman,” Seth said. His dark hair looked longer and a little greasy. “Lori and I are having a good time. The song will be over soon.”

“Lori doesn't look like she's having a good time.” Wade hooked his thumbs into his belt loops to keep himself from punching Seth right in his smug mouth.

“Huh,” Seth said. “That's not the impression I have. You okay, Lori?”

“I'm fine,” she said, her mouth set in a thin line of something that sure as hell looked like disgust. Why was she dancing with this asshole? “We'll dance the next dance, okay, Wade?”

“Yeah, Wade,” Seth chimed in. “Wait your turn.”

Wade looked at Seth's beer-blurred eyes, considering how very much he wanted to land a fist between them. But beyond Seth, a few people had stopped dancing and were watching the conflict. Probably waiting to see how a Hoffman would handle it.

“Wade, don't.” Lori was pointing at his hands.

Wade looked down and saw that he'd balled them into fists.

“He's just trying to make you look bad in front of everyone.” Lori was between him and Seth now. “Don't let him do it.”

Seth raised his fists and fake punched the air. “What, all those years in the military and you didn't learn how to fight?”

Wade carefully moved Lori aside. “I did fight. But I also learned that it's not nice to hurt smaller, drunker men.” He breathed long and deep, trying to bring down the adrenaline surge that was way too big for this situation. It was combat-sized, battle-sized, filling up his nervous system, putting everything in sharp focus, amplifying all sounds.

Seth stepped up closer to Lori. “C'mon, Hoffman. You can't blame me for asking her. A girl like this? So hot? You're gonna have to get used to sharing her.”

“Hey!” Lori turned on Seth. “Don't be gross. Stop provoking him!”

Seth's smile oozed hatred. “I'm just reminding him that he's got some healthy competition. And that his slime-ridden Hoffman blood isn't going to help him much in the race. Come on, Lori, you know you need a real man to make you happy. Not some sniveling son of a criminal.”

“Enough.” Lori's voice was icy. “I agreed to dance with you because you said you'd fight Wade if I didn't. I danced. So shut up.”

“What the hell, Lori?” Wade shoved Seth a step back from her. “You agreed to dance with him to protect
me
?”

She grabbed his arm, gripping tight. “I didn't want him to ruin your night.
Our
night.”

“Oh, how sweet,” Seth sneered. “You have a mommy, Hoffman. Finally. That must be so nice, since your own didn't stick around,”

“Seth, drop it!” Lori commanded. “You're pissed that I fired you. I get it. But that has nothing to do with Wade.”

“Really? Huh. I remember him following me into the barn with a big old attitude. If he hadn't done that, I would have been fine.”

“It must be hard, not being able to take any responsibility for your actions,” Wade spat out through gritted teeth.

“It must be hard trying to fuck a hot piece like Lori when you're not even a man,” Seth shot back. “Here, I'll show you how it's done.” He grabbed Lori's hand and yanked her close, shoving his hips toward hers.

Wade's vision blurred around the edges, and his hand was over Seth's face, pushing him away from Lori. Seth let out a grunt as he flew backward and landed on the dance floor. Shrieks rose as people tried to scramble out of the way.

Seth was back up and coming at him, and Wade could hear shouts at his back. He balled his fists, readied himself. But instead of grabbing Wade, Seth grabbed Lori again and put a hand over her breast.

There was a roaring sound in Wade's head, like a wildfire across dry grass, and it brought a white heat with it that blasted everything out of his vision except the other man's weasel face.

He grabbed Seth by the collar and hauled him off Lori. Lifted him and ran him across the room until he was close enough to fling him into the wall. The bastard went down like a rag doll, and Wade let him land hard before hauling him up by the shirt again. He twisted the fabric, balling it tight enough to choke. He wanted to obliterate, to smash his fists down on this vermin over and over.

He was vaguely aware of Lori yelling at him, of the group breath the crowd of spectators took with every punch, of the way Seth went floppy underneath him, of hands clawing at him, trying to hold him back. The shouts, the voices of everyone in the club and the blaring music all blended and pumped through his blood in a primal pulse that told him to kill or be killed.

Huge hands grabbed at his belt, an arm wrapped around his neck and the two bouncers hauled him back. Together they dragged Wade across the room to the front door. People cleared a path, eyes staring wide. All the chaotic noise went silent.

Outside the door was the porch, the steps, the icy darkness, all hurtling toward him as the bouncers shoved him toward the driveway, hard. Wade staggered forward, stumbled down the steps and landed face-first in the gravel below. He rolled twice, back onto his stomach, his mouth full of dirt and blood.

He lay there, welcoming the ground, the pain, his shallow breathing, trying to come back from wherever he'd been.

“Wade!” It was Lori, down on her bare knees in the gravel, a hand on his shoulder. “Wade, are you okay?” She was sobbing. A streak of dirt was smeared over her tear-streaked face, and nausea filled him because he'd brought her to this.

Ethan was there, lifting Lori, trying to get her to stand back. And Darren from his support group was next to him, eyes wide and scared, asking, “Are you hurt?”

Then the sirens started. An ambulance for Seth and a cop car for him, no doubt. Wade closed his eyes and waited, listening to Lori's sobs, feeling Darren's hand still on his shoulder in silent solidarity. It was a dim spark of kindness and understanding in all the darkness. Then the blue lights of the sheriff's car lit up the night and the deputy's voice barked for everyone to stand back. His spotlight blinded Wade as he ordered, “Don't move.”

Wade opened his eyes. Took in Lori's ghost-white face and the firm grip Ethan had on her shoulders. It killed him that Ethan felt he needed to hold her back. Because he couldn't keep himself under control.

A crowd had spilled out of the bar and filled the porch. He lifted his head slightly and glanced their way, all those eyes, all those people. All that judgment. The sheriff approached and clamped handcuffs on, the steel so cold it bit. But it didn't matter. Nothing mattered. Because he'd done exactly what, deep down, he'd always known he was going to do. He'd proved to the town, and worst of all, to Lori, that he was no more than he'd ever been. Out of control. A menace. Just the same no-good Hoffman kid, pretending to be someone better than he was, and making a fool of himself in the process.

 

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

T
HE
JANGLE
OF
metal on metal jolted Wade awake. He went from lying down to standing in one motion before he remembered where he was. Puke-green walls, cement floor, a toilet in the corner. He knew the jail cell at the Benson sheriff's office well. He'd bailed his dad and brothers out of here many times.

And now he was the one locked up. His dad would have been proud to know he was keeping up the family tradition.

He hurt, the pain sharp and stinging, on his knees, his palms, his elbow, his face. He backed away from the opening door, heart thudding hard, pieces of last night falling into place. The bar. Seth grabbing Lori. Fury. Throwing Seth. Pulling him up again. Hammering his fist down.

Cold night air and sharp gravel. The circle of onlookers. All those boots surrounding him as he lay with his face in the dirt. Lori crying on Ethan.

He'd tried to be there for her, and he'd messed up everything.

A man in a sheriff's uniform stepped in. Not the young guys who'd hauled him in here last night. This man was older, with graying hair and kind eyes. “Wade Hoffman?” he asked.

“Yes, sir.” Amazing how the military training kicked right in.

“Mike Davidson, sheriff.” The older man paused and glanced down at the bandages over Wade's palms. “I'd shake your hand, but I don't think that would feel so great.”

“No, sir,” Wade answered.

“You're in a lot of trouble, son. We're still trying to get the full story. The guy you hit is in the hospital. We had to bring in a helicopter to get him up to Reno.”

“I'm sorry to hear that.” Wade could barely get the words out through the implications crowding him. All the years Nora had worked so hard to keep him on a straight path. And now he'd be going to jail. Her disappointment, combined with his, threatened to send him to his knees.

“I hear you came back from Afghanistan pretty recently.”

“Yes, sir.”

“I got a look at your records. You were an army ranger?”

“Yes.”

“Your sister put me in touch with your commanding officer. He says you're a good kid. He also says you were in some pretty tight spots. And that you lost a lot of friends.”

Wade swallowed hard. “I did, sir. But I'm not looking to make excuses for last night.”

“Neither am I. But I am looking for a solution. You'll be assigned a lawyer if the prosecutor decides to press charges. And I suggest you talk to that lawyer about veterans' court. It's a program for guys like you, and it can help you get back on your feet.”

“I don't want anyone's charity,” Wade said quickly. “I'll face the consequences of my actions.” Not like his dad and brothers, who'd fled like cowards when justice loomed.

“I get it.” Mike nodded. “But I see it differently. They say the hardest part of fighting in a war is coming home. Veterans' court isn't charity. It's a way to manage the thousands of guys just like you who are ending up in court because their minds are affected by what they went through over there.”

At least his brand of crazy had plenty of company. It was stark comfort. “Thank you, sir.”

“For now, you're free to go. Your girlfriend posted your bail. She says she can guarantee that you'll stick around until we get this all sorted out. In other words, don't leave town. Understand?”

“Yes, sir.” Wade wondered if he could just stay here. The squalid cell would be better than facing the disappointment in Lori's eyes. But Mike was waiting, so he squared his aching shoulders and followed the sheriff out the door, past a few battered old desks covered in paperwork and into a shabby waiting area.

Lori had her back to him, staring out the window at the street outside. Her hair was loose down her back, and she had a shearling coat wrapped around tiny frame. She turned, and he saw her pale skin and the shadows under her eyes. He'd done that to her. He'd put that look of exhaustion and worry on her pretty face. She crossed the room in a few steps, throwing her arms around his neck.

He wanted more than anything to hold her close. But he'd lost that privilege when he lost control last night. So he closed his eyes and inhaled her warm, sweet scent one last time. And took her wrists and removed her hands, setting her away. It felt like something inside him was bleeding when he said, “No. We can't.”

* * *

L
ORI
WAS
DESPERATE
to hold him. To feel for herself that he was safe. “Wade, what's wrong?”

He glared at her with hollowed eyes. “We just can't. Not anymore.”

His hair was on end, his face and clothing filthy. “It's okay. I don't care about the dirt, or anything.” She reached to hug him again, but he stepped back. There were scrapes on his nose and cheeks from falling last night. She wanted to touch them, to touch all of him, after a night of worry so sharp she'd thrown up twice.

It was torture, knowing he was hurt, locked up, probably scared and in pain and—knowing Wade—berating himself for fighting. “It's okay,” she said again, hoping to reassure him. “They're letting you go. That's what matters. Let's go home and get you cleaned up.”

His face was etched with new lines as if one night in a jail cell had aged him years. He moved away again, out of reach of her touch. “I appreciate you getting me out of here. But that's it. We need to end this thing between us
now
.”

Her tortured stomach wrenched, and for a moment she thought she'd be sick again. “What do you mean,
end
this? We're a couple. We'll deal with this together.”

“We can't
be
a couple,” he said hoarsely. “We can't be together anymore. It was a mistake to try.”

His words were hitting her and sliding off. Impossible to take in. “We
love
each other. That's not a mistake.”

“Love isn't enough. Not with someone like me.”

She stared at him, aghast. “What do you mean,
someone like you
? Wade, you are the person I love. We've gotten through so much. We'll get through this.”

He ran a bandaged hand over his gaunt face, misery in every move. “There's something wrong with me. You know it. You saw it last night.”

Tears were starting. She swiped them with her sleeve. “But you're working on it. You've been trying to get better.”

“And I'm
not
better. I'm worse. I couldn't stop hitting Seth. What if I turned on you that way?”

“You'd
never
hurt me like that.” She hated that her voice was quavering. “I know you wouldn't.”

“Well,
I
don't know it. I don't know anything anymore, Lori.”

“You know you love me. And I love you.”

His jaw muscles tensed, and she felt the words before his rough voice sliced into her heart. “I don't even know that. You need to move on from me. It's time.”

A sob tore at her throat. “It's
not
. You don't get to tell me when it's time.”

He glared at her. “I can tell you when you're wasting yours.”

His words were too familiar. Sickeningly familiar. “Really? You're doing this
again
?” Her bitter laughter startled them both. “This is the thing you do when you're scared, right? Like you did back when we were young? Where you push me away from you with as many cruel words as you can find, because you're not sure what's going to happen next?” She stepped up to him with fists clenched, wishing she was taller so she wouldn't have to look up to meet his eyes. “You're
such
a coward, Wade. You think you're acting all grown up and manly right now, trying to protect me, but you're doing
exactly
what you did to me when we were eighteen. Haven't you learned
anything
since then?”

She saw the glitter of tears in his eyes. But she also saw the mulish line of his jaw.

“I'm a mess, Lori. But I won't be
your
mess. I won't ruin your life with my problems. You deserve a hell of a lot better than I'll ever be.”

The tears were streaming down her face as she stared at him, willing him to give in. But he shoved his torn-up hands in his jacket pockets. “Go,” he said quietly. “Go on. I'll find my own way home.”

She took a step away. It was hard to trust that the floor was there, or the door, when everything felt so unreal. So shattered. She hesitated, looked back at him, but he shook his head. So she stumbled forward and shoved her way outside, shuffling blindly into a world she no longer recognized, because everything had changed in just one night.

* * *

W
ADE
LEANED
ON
the pasture fence, watching Jackson graze. He hadn't worked with the mustang in a couple of days. He was probably losing ground. Losing the trust they'd been building. But so what? That was how he lived his life, apparently. Took a couple steps forward and slid all the way back again.

If he didn't end up in jail, he was thinking of leaving. He'd dreamed of reviving the ranch, of redeeming the Hoffman name in Benson. But he'd failed. Spectacularly. Because he'd been trained to be violent, trained to kill. And here, back in society, there was no place for a killer.

He'd always thought the guys who committed suicide after they got home from combat were nuts. Why survive a war just to die once you got home? But now he understood perfectly. There was no home for them anymore. Not in their hometown, not in their country. And when you had nowhere you belonged, ending it all might seem like a logical option.

Not for him, though. He wasn't a suicide, but he
was
considering reenlisting. Even if he just got a desk job somewhere, at least he'd be around people who understood a little about who he'd become since Afghanistan.

He looked around idly. The heifers would need a new home before he could go. He'd give them to Lori and Mandy. Todd would take back JM and Jackson, of course. Nora was staying in the area now that she was marrying Todd. Maybe Marker Ranch could become part of the sanctuary they were trying to create for wild mustangs?

The idea of living somewhere else felt bleak. But staying here as the local loser felt worse. And living next door to Lori, watching her move on with her life? The pain of that stabbed at his guts.

The rumbling of an engine had him backing up a few steps to where he could see Nora's Jeep rattling down the driveway. Instinctively he looked for somewhere to hide, like he'd been doing every time she or Todd or Ethan or anyone else tried to pay him a visit.

But some voice in his head told him to man up. It had been almost a week since the fight, and he'd have to face his sister sometime. So he went back to the fence, stared at his horse and waited.

“They're not pressing charges,” Nora said quietly as she walked up. “They probably realized it would be hard to build a case when so many witnesses saw Seth grab Lori like he did.”

No jail. Anxiety loosened its grip for a moment. “Thanks for telling me.” His voice came out hoarse. He couldn't remember the last time he'd spoken.

“How have you been? I get that you don't want to see anyone, but I've been worried.”

“I texted,” he said.

“Yeah,” she said flatly. “Thanks for that. The words ‘I'm still alive.' That's real informative. So reassuring.”

Her sarcasm masked her hurt. He knew that. But he had nothing to give her.

“Have you talked to Lori?” she asked.

“Nope.”

“She's been calling me. She's worried, Wade. She cares about you.”

“We broke up,” he told her. “So it's not her job to worry anymore.”

“I don't think telling her she's not your girlfriend is going to change how much she worries. She loves you. She needs to know if you're okay.”

“Just tell her I'm fine.”

Nora looked like she wanted to punch him. But she settled for kicking a rock down the lane. “You're being such a fool. You two are meant for each other.”

“No, we're not. I'm doing her a favor by ending it. Someday she'll be grateful that she's not saddled with all my problems.”

“Wade, you lost control for a couple of minutes! When you were
seriously
provoked. Seth grabbed Lori. He
assaulted
her. You had a reason to fight him.”

“I would have killed him if I could have.”

She shrugged. “Don't you think we all have those instincts? If I'd seen him grabbing Lori like that, I would have wanted to kill him, too. And I'm sure Lori would still like to kill him. Have you thought of that? Of how
she's
feeling right now?”

“Of course.” It's all he thought about. “Look, you might have the instincts, but you don't act on them. I do. I went somewhere in my mind where I couldn't stop.”

Nora took his hand. “And you probably need some help with that. So go get it. But also remember all the times lately that you
have
kept your instincts in check. You've made so much progress, going to that support group and talking to Dan about stuff. Overall you've been getting a grip on this thing.”

“By spending a night in jail? Putting a man in the hospital?”

“No, of course not. But I'm telling you not to give up.”

“I'm not giving up,” he protested.

“What else do you call what you've been doing this past week? Oh, wait, I know. It's called wallowing in a big hole of self-pity and pride.”

He shook his head, thinking of the rage, and the dreams that even Lori's love couldn't stop. “You don't know what this is like.”

“No, I don't. Ethan does, though. And he wants you to get your butt back to the support group and call these people.” She pulled some folded sheets of paper from her coat. “He wrote it all down for you. Counselors and psychiatrists who specialize in helping ex-soldiers. Hotlines for veterans. Call these numbers, Wade. Get some help now. Before you lose everything you've worked so hard for.”