Rhuddlan (103 page)

“My lord, perhaps I didn’t explain
correctly—”

“You explained very well, Roger!” With an
angry step, he crossed the floor and Haworth thought he would keep
going, through the door and into the yard but he stopped abruptly
when he was close to him, as if he’d had second thoughts. After a
long pause, he turned to face Haworth and his expression, which had
been so horribly rigid only a moment before had calmed. “We have a
long history, Roger,” he said. “Because of that, it’s hard to see
our relationship end.” And then, as Haworth started to reach out to
him, he added, “But I can never forgive you for what you did.”

“My lord, what will you do?” Haworth said
frantically, his voice rising as Hugh moved off towards the
door.

He meant what would Hugh do without him to
watch his back and perhaps the earl even knew this, but his answer
was matter-of-fact and firm. “I’m going to release Gilbert and have
him saddle my horse. Then I’m going home.”

And Haworth heard the
unspoken but implicit, final two words, “without you.” They echoed
in his head, cold and unfeeling, despite the years of friendship
and affection between them. In an instant, his anguish grew into an
outraged despair. Hugh was walking to the door; he’d switched the
lamp to his left hand and had put his right on the latch. Any
moment now he would be out of Haworth’s life forever. Haworth
wanted to cry out, “My lord, what will
I
do?” because he knew that without
Hugh, his life was meaningless. He didn’t even realize he was
trailing after the other man…

In less time than it took the earl to lift up
the latch and begin to pull in the door, Haworth had seized him by
the arm. Hugh swung around angrily. The light from the lamp
flickered violently. “What do you think you’re doing, Roger?” he
demanded and tried to pull his arm free.

Haworth, however, was the stronger of the two
and his grip tightened rather than eased. “I’m not letting you go
to him, my lord!” he said between gritted teeth. Now that Hugh was
facing him, he grabbed his other arm. “He’ll only ruin you in the
end and if you send me away, I won’t be here to help you! I’ll stop
it now!”

Hugh struggled in his captain’s grip. “Don’t
be ridiculous, Roger! Let go of me immediately!”

For a moment they wrestled each other. At
first, Haworth heard only the grunting of men vying for position
and the scrape of boot heels on the wooden floor and then there was
a sudden crash and he heard shouting. It began as an
uncomprehensible babble from far away but grew louder and louder in
little time until it filled the room and he had to squeeze his eyes
shut so he would not see it. But it was impossible to keep it out
of his ears. The noise was deafening. He wanted to clap his hands
over his ears but that would have meant releasing his hold on Hugh
and then the earl would flee and he’d be left alone, forever. As
long as he could hold Hugh, he would. He tried to raise his voice
over the din, to explain to Hugh why he had to hold onto him, why
he couldn’t let him go to the huntsman, why he was the only one who
had ever loved him and, unlike the others, didn’t want anything of
him but love in return…And why didn’t Hugh understand this? Why?
Why had Hugh accused him of being selfish because he’d killed de
Vire and Bolsover when he’d killed them out of sheer love? Did he
deserve to be treated like a criminal, cast out of Hugh’s service
and told never to come near him again when he’d done it all to save
Hugh’s sanity and body? Was his near-death in the field outside
Llanlleyn of such small consequence that Hugh would not even think
to mention it? Did all those years of devotion count for nothing
because he wasn’t blond, young and arrogant? It wasn’t right!

He was breathless from so much talking, so
much exertion. The room seemed suddenly hot and suffocating and the
earl was heavy in his hands. Somehow, they’d fallen down onto the
floor in their struggling. As he paused to catch his breath,
Haworth became aware that the awful shouting had finally stopped
but had been replaced with a different roar, crackling and steady.
He tried to breathe again but the air was hot in his throat. He
looked down at Hugh and saw his face was brightly lit by the fire.
Hugh did not move. His eyes were open and staring at Haworth but
despite his dulled senses, Haworth knew immediately that the earl
didn’t see him. He didn’t understand what had happened; he was
dizzy and his mind was confused. And it was impossible to breathe!
That was odd: that he was so tired he couldn’t summon the strength
to breathe. He looked at the earl again as his elbows buckled. He
thought Hugh would not mind very much if he rested his head on his
chest just one last time…

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