Authors: Xanthe Walter
and talk through the entire scene when it's time?
Karl's a good guy - he'll be happy to help."
"I don't want people knowing about me.
About my sex life and how completely I suck at it,"
Matt said uncertainly.
"Karl doesn't have to know. I'll just tell him
you're really nervous because it's such a full-on
scene. He'll be cool about it. Between us, we'll get
you through it."
Matt gave a tentative little smile. "Okay.
Thanks. I think that'll help."
"Good." Rick squeezed his shoulder again.
"Matt… do you mind me asking something
personal?"
"I've already spilled my guts about something
very personal, so I guess not." Matt grimaced.
"Why do you repeatedly get involved in
relationships with service-oriented doms?" Rick
asked curiously. "Because it doesn't seem to me
like you actually enjoy that much. I mean, I've been
with service-oriented subs, and it's fine, but it
doesn't really float my boat. I don't care about
being waited on, and I don't like ordering subs
around - well, not outside of the bedroom
anyway." He winked. "It's not my thing, and I have
to say, I never got the vibe from you that it's your
thing, either. And yet those are the doms you
always go for; there's Ermentrude, and that thick as
shit guy you were with before her."
"Troy? He wasn't thick as shit, he was…"
Matt considered it for a moment. "No, you're right,
he was thick as shit. Very good-looking though!"
"And essentially all he wanted was a servant.
You might as well have been his PA, Matt, rather
than his sub, for all the attention he paid to you.
You just ran errands for him all the time."
Matt glanced up at him. "I didn't know you
even noticed who I date."
"Well, I do notice you never seem happy with
any of them. I mean… you never roll into work
late, walking funny, with a giant smile on your face
from some really great sex the night before. You
never have love bites on your neck, or handcuff
marks on your wrists from a fantastic takedown
session. You never wince when you sit down and
then smile, like you took a really great spanking the
night before. You never look well fucked."
"Like all your many subs, you mean?" Matt
made a face. "The oh so lucky ones who've been
treated to 'the great Richard O'Shea sexperience'."
He snorted.
"Well, I do ride 'em hard and put 'em away
smiling! I know that much." Rick grinned. "Look,
you can tell me to butt out but I just wondered why
you always choose people who don't really suit
your sexual dynamic. Unless… you do know what
your sexual dynamic is, don't you?"
"Yes." Matt's face flushed a bright red.
Rick frowned. "And is it so bad that you can't
find a dom who you'd be compatible with?"
"No. I just…" Matt shrugged helplessly.
"Or is it something you don't think you'd be
any good at? You know you can be great as a
service sub because you're so organized and like
controlling things, but you're so terrified of not
being perfect all the time that you don't want to
take the risk with something closer to your heart?
Do you think you'd let a dom down if you asked for
what you really want?" Rick asked quietly.
"Because you think you can't do it, or you'd be bad
at it?"
"I…" Matt blue eyes were absolutely
agonized, and Rick knew that he'd hit a nerve.
"Yes," Matt muttered, dropping his head and
gazing mutely at the floor.
"Hey - look, I don't know what kind of doms
you've met, but plenty would be happy just to try
stuff with you - you don't have to be perfect or get
it right from the outset."
Except - this was Matt, and even as he said
that, Rick knew that in Matt's head, he did. It was
all part of the OCD, his need to get things right and
be in control, while counting all the cracks on the
ceiling at the same time. That was who Matt was.
"I know that in my head… but I can't…" Matt
knocked the palm of his hand against his forehead.
"I can't do it, Rick."
"What is it that you want to do, Matt?" Rick
asked gently. "I know a lot of doms - I could get
you together with one you're compatible with,
who'd help get you over this. What's your thing?
What turns you on?"
"Nothing really way out. Not even anything
different or special." Matt looked up, his face
flushed with embarrassment. "I'd like to be swept
up in my own submission, to lose myself in it. I
want to be overwhelmed, to give in, to be taken out
of myself, and to float. I want to feel, Rick, instead
of thinking all the time." He spoke in a low,
passionate voice, and Rick could tell how much
this meant to him.
"There are plenty of doms out there who'd be
happy to take you on that journey, Matt," he said
reassuringly.
"But I can't do it! I'll get tense, and anxious,
and start counting, and they'll get annoyed with me,
and I won't be able to please them, and I'll want to
take back control, and they'll get pissed off with
me and be disappointed. Then they'll end it, and I'll
be worse off than before we started!"
"Wow - you've got this whole scenario
figured out!" Rick shook his head, chuckling. Then
he took another look at his friend, who was sitting
there, his face flaming up to the tips of his ears,
and the realization hit. "Is that something that's
actually happened to you, Matt?"
Matt shrugged. "My first dom. Guy called
Lucas."
"Your first dom - and I'm guessing you were
his first sub too? You were both young, and Lucas
freaked out because he couldn't take you down. He
felt it reflected on his performance as a dom, and
you beat yourself up because you couldn't be the
sub he wanted you to be?"
"Yeah. That's about it." Matt grimaced.
"Stupid huh? I mean, everyone else manages to be
out there having great sex all the time. It's just me
who can't do it."
Rick laughed. "I really don't think everyone
else is out there having great sex all the time,
Matt."
"You are!"
"Yeah. Well." Rick shrugged. "I'm not
everyone. Look - what happened to you is just
inexperience; you're older now."
"It's happened a few times since then, too,"
Matt told him. "After a while, I decided to stop
putting myself through it. I was starting to come
over as a tease who couldn't deliver in the
bedroom."
"So it was easier to get involved with
service-oriented doms and be good at that than try
to find a dom who shared your particular dynamic
and could be patient and sympathetic with you?"
"Yeah."
"That sounds crappy. You should cut yourself
some slack, buddy. Sex isn't about being perfect -
it's about having a good time. It sounds like you've
got yourself so freaked out about it that it's hardly
surprising you can't relax and enjoy it."
"Really?" Matt chewed on his bottom lip
thoughtfully.
"Really. You need to stop being so hard on
yourself, Matt."
"And on other people; I really wasn't very
nice to you earlier, Rick."
"You have a temper - I like that about you!
That's your passion showing through, Matt, and it
has to show through somewhere because you keep
it leashed most of the time. At least when you're
throwing fruit at me, you aren't counting things in
your head!"
"I never thought of it that way." Finally, Rick
coaxed a wan smile out of his friend. "Sorry all the
same. I bottle things up and then explode, but I've
never seen you lose your temper once. You're
always so laid-back."
"Well, like you said, I do have a lot of good
sex - and that helps me relax." Rick grinned at him.
"That's your secret?" Matt rolled his eyes.
"Give me a sub's beautiful ass to spank every
day, throw in some hot fucking, and what the hell
have I got to explode about?"
They both laughed, and Rick felt he'd at least
been able to banish some of Matt's misery. He
wished he knew a better way to help his friend, but
he decided he'd think about how to set Matt up
with a dom he'd be compatible with, now that the
loathsome Emily was out of the way.
"Sorry - I came over here to cheer you up, but
all I've done is dump my problems on you," Matt
said tiredly. "And you've got plenty of problems of
your own right now."
"Hell no - it's been good finding out I'm not
the only one with bad shit going on!"
"You won't tell anyone about any of this, will
you?"
Rick poked his thigh. "Don't be an idiot.
Look, Matty, I've got plenty of faults - most of
which you already know because, let's face it, I
don't do a good job of hiding them - but I'd never
betray a friend. I promise."
Matt smiled at him again and then yawned.
"Thanks. So - what do you think Petra will do to
you tomorrow?"
Rick sighed. "I have no idea. I'm more pissed
off that the press will be following me around for
the next few weeks, wallowing in this whole
thing." He stretched out wearily on the sofa.
"Whatever Petra does, I'll handle it."
Matt yawned again, his eyes glazing over.
"You know… I think I might have had too much to
drink," he muttered sleepily. His head jerked
sideways, and he blinked, looking endearingly
confused. Rick pulled him down gently, so that he
was nestled against him. "Sorry… just… mmm,"
Matt muttered.
"Don't apologize, Matty," Rick told him.
"You're always apologizing, and you really need to
stop."
"Mmm, yeah. Sorry," Matt mumbled and then
his eyes closed, and he was fast asleep.
Rick smiled and stroked a hand over his
friend's tousled blond hair. "I bet your hair drives
you nuts; it's the one thing you can't control!" He
gently smoothed it with his fingers. "You'd never
let me do this if you were awake; you're such a
prickly sub, always pushing people away when
your eyes say you want to be scooped up and
loved. You must drive your doms nuts."
Rick leaned back with a yawn. "You know,
not one of my clubbing friends gave a shit about
what happened to me today, but you did. You're a
good friend, Matty; better than I deserve."
Matt mumbled something in his sleep and
moved his head so it was resting on Rick's chest,
his cheek squished to one side. Rick smiled and
wrapped an arm around his friend.
"Thank you, Matty," he said softly.
Matt woke up to find he had a pounding
headache and what felt like a mouthful of sawdust.
"Urgh," he muttered, lifting his head blearily.
"Mmmm," a voice beside him said.
He thought about it for a moment, but he didn't
remember asking Emily to stay over. Then he
realized his head was resting on a broad, solid
chest… nothing like Emily's thin body. He took a
second to process this. He was lying on a sofa,
pressed up against someone bigger than him;
someone warm, who had one arm slung over his
thigh. Where the hell was he?
The events of the previous evening came
rushing back in a jumbled haze, and he sat up
quickly. That caused a stabbing pain in his head,
and he grabbed hold of it, moaning, as the room
lurched violently around him.
"Take it easy," the voice said, and he felt a
big hand on his back, stroking reassuringly as his
head swam. He opened one eye, cautiously, and
saw Rick grinning at him.
"Oh shit. Fuck. What… why am I…?" He
stared at Rick in disbelief. "Oh shit! Did we…?"
"Relax. You just had too much to drink last
night. We were lying here talking, and you fell
asleep. I thought you might as well stay over as
you were in no condition to drive home."
"I had too much to drink? Didn't you have too
much to drink too?" Matt said suspiciously,
because Rick was making this sound very one-
sided.
"I hold my liquor better." Rick smirked at