Riddley Walker (28 page)

I ternt my back to the gate and Mr Punch come up looking at them over my sholder. He wer waving his stick he made his cock fessin noys. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrr. He said, "_Ah putcha putcha putcha._" Which he begun to beat me with his stick. Them on the gate begun to larf. I cud feal ther eyes on Punch and I wer hoaping hewd say some thing funny. He dint tho. He stoppit beating me and he wer looking up at them. He wer staring at them and waving his stick. Dint say a word. Dogs ben yoop yarooing the woal time til then. Now they stoppt suddn and in jumpt the sylents. Them on the gate looking at Punch and Punch staring back and waving his stick. Not saying a word. Dead men in my mynd.

Nex there come Rightway Flinters voyce he said, "You myswel come in and do your show. Whats on you is on you. I wont bring nothing down on this crowd."

So we dint dy at Weaping Form nor we dint get cut off nor blyndit. We livet and we kep our eyes and our cocks and balls that time any how. What the nex time wil bring no 1 cant never say.

We tol them it wernt no Eusa show nor we dint think we shud do no wotcher only ther connexion man Deaper Flinter he wer Rightways brother he said they wunt let us show without we wotchert 1st. So we got our hash and rizlas only diffrents wer he said if it wernt no Eusa show we shunt get the woal wotcher. He give us 1 cut hash and 25 rizlas each in stead of 2 cuts hash and 50 then he said ther meat our meat and the res of it.

There we wer then. Hard to beleave it. Stil a live and the torches shimmying for us. Shimmering and glimmering. All fittit up and the crowd waiting for what wer coming. All the seanyer members of the form in front plus the regenneril guvner man from the Ram his name wer Riser Partman. Erny out in front for the patter and me looking out thru the back clof.

They wer mummering in the front row it wer about the show talk. Deaper Flinter said it wernt right doing the Eusa show talk if it wernt no Eusa show. Which Rightway Flinter said there wernt going to be no show without no show talk not wylst he wer Big Man any how. Then Deaper said wel what shud he say when he done the show talk shud he say "Down that road with Eusa"? Which Rightway said he shud jus say what he all ways said and les get on with it. Which Deaper said Rightway cud do what he liket only he wernt going to say the name of Eusa if it wernt no Eusa show. Then Rightway said he dint care what Deaper said only les get on with the show befor the torches bernt out.

Deaper stanning up then he said to the crowd, "Now this here show what weare going to see it aint no Eusa show its some kynd of a new show."

_Then_ there come some mummering.

Deaper said, "So les keap in mynd now wylst weare doing this show talk weare leaving Eusa out of it."

There come a hevvy mans voyce from the crowd it said, "You bes go careful Deaper."

Deaper said, "I _am_ going careful nor I dont nead no 1 to tel me do I."

The same voyce said, "Wel if you think you can leave Eusa out of any thing you aint going careful youre going foolish."

Rightway Flinter then he ternt roun he said to that bloak, "Easyer you neadnt to worry over our connexion man going foolish wylst Im Big Man. What you nead to worry over is if your joars as hard as my fis."

Easyer gone qwyet then only you cud hear some shiffing roun and some breaving and sying.

Deaper finely begun his show talk then he said to the crowd, "Weare going aint we."

They said, "Yes weare going."

He said, "Down that road."

They waitit for them other 2 words which them words dint come.

Then there come Easyers voyce loud and clear he said, "With Eusa."

Then the res of them said, "With Eusa time and reqwyrt."

Deaper said, "Where them Chaynjis take us."

They said, "He done his time wewl do our time."

Deaper said, "Showing for us." In stead of "Hes doing it for us."

They said, "Hes doing it for us weare doing it for him."

Deaper said, "Keap it going. Chances this time."

They said, "Chances nex time."

Deaper said, "New chance every time."

They said, "New chance every time."

Easyer said, "With Eusa."

Rightway Flinter clincht his fis only he dint tern roun nor say nothing. He noddit to Erny and me.

Erny come over to the fit up he said, "Wel whos coming up to show then?"

It seamt like I had too much breaf in me I musve ben holding it. I had to breave out a littl befor Punch cud say any

thing. Then he said, "_Ah putcha putcha putcha. Ah putcha putcha way._" He dint come up he jus stayd down and said that.

Erny said, "Whos that talking is that Mr Salty from Salt Town or who is it?"

Punch said, "_Thats me Im Old Man Salty from Salt Town which Ive got the stick to prove it._"

Erny said, "Salt aint sticky."

Punch said, "_May be Im honey then whynt you lick my stick and fynd out?_"

Erny said, "This aint that kynd of a show. Wud you tel me Mr Salty whatd you mean with all that putcha putcha putcha?"

Punch said, "_I aint Mr Salty realy that aint my name._"

Erny said, "Whats your name then?"

Punch comes up then hes swanking hes zanting a bout hes waving his stick. Soons he comes in site you cud hear some breaf took in sharp you cud hear a littl sylents then Easyers voyce come strong he said, "That figgers crookit." Funny. Them bloaks on the gate when we 1st come to Weaping they hadnt said nothing. Wel stranger hevvyswl do that some times. Jus not give you no word nor syn what ever. This crowd tho they wer giving words a nuff and syns in plenny. A womans voyce said, "You know theres women here and carrying." Which there come some shuffling and that musve ben them carrying women carrying ther selfs out.

Easyer ups his voice agen he says, "If that aint sucking in your Luck I dont know what is. Bringing a crookit show like that in to your hoam form."

Rightway Flinter he says, "You know Easyer theres moren 1 kynd of crookit. Theres crookit on the out side and theres crookit on the in side. Which Im beginning to think may be this here humpy figger is some kynd of a nindicater." He says, "Walker & Orfing you carry on with this here show."

Erny says to Punch, "Wel Mr Salty if your name aint Salty what is it then?"

Punch says, "_Come closer and Iwl tel you what it rimes with._"

Erny comes closer and Punch gives him a smart whack with his stick. Whack! Erny jumps a way he says, "Ow! Youve give me a whack."

Punch says, "_Thats right thats what I rime with._"

Erny says, "O I see your names Jack then."

Punch says, "_No stupid my names Punch._"

Erny says, "Wel whack dont rime with Punch."

Punch says, "_Thats becaws you jumpt a way too soon. Come close agen._"

Erny comes close and qwick Punch gives him a woal lot of whacks. Punch says, "_Now Ive give you a bunch hows that for riming._"

Erny says, "Wel I think Ive had a nuff of riming Mr Punch. I wunner wud you please be good a nuff and tel me what that putcha putcha means?"

Punch says, "_You mean that putcha putcha putcha?_"

Erny says, "Thats it."

Punch says, "_You mean that putcha putcha way?_"

Erny says, "Thats it thats the same and very. Whats it mean?"

Punch says, "_Putcha self closer and Iwl tel you._"

Erny puts his self closer. Punch whacks him on the ear with his stick. Whack! Erny says, "Ow! Thats 1 mor whack youve give me. What wer that 1 for?"

Punch says, "_Thats what putcha way means. If you putcha close Iwl whack you but if you putcha way I cant._"

Erny says, "Wel Mr Punch Im thanking you for that lessing and that lerning only that aint what I putcha my self here for."

Punch says, "_Why did you putcha self here then? Why did you putcha putcha putcha?_"

Erny says, "I wer hoaping for a look at Pooty. Jus a littl glimpo you know."

Punch says, "_No I dont know. You dont nead no look nor you dont nead no glimpo you can see her by her pongo. All you nead to do is breave deap and youwl get the woal picter of Pooty right a nuff. Youwl see the 3s and the Ds of her so sharp youwl think you can grab a hanful._"

Erny says, "Stil and all Iwd like to how dyou do her."

Punch says, "_You what?_"

Erny says, "Iwd like to how dyou do her."

Punch says, "_O youre a clynt then?_"

Erny says, "Which Iwd like to be a frend."

Punch says, "_O wunt we all tho wunt we jus. Pooty she dont have no frends tho. She dont give no 1 sumfing for nuffing._"

Pooty comes up then with the pig babby she gives it to Punch she says, "Whats this then if it aint some thing for nuffing?"

Punch says, "_Nuffing! You calling my part nuffing?_"

Pooty says, "You said it I dint."

Punch terns to the crowd he says, "_Now you see why Ive got the hump._"

Pooty says, "This aint no time for humping Im frying now."

Punch takes a littl tase of Pooty he says, "_You aint done yet._"

Pooty says, "I know that wel a nuff thats why Im going down to get on with it now wil you mynd the babby?"

Punch says, "_Not a bit. Mmmmm. Yum yum yum._"

Pooty says, "Whyd you say 'Yum yum yum'?"

Punch says, "_I wer jus clearing my froat._"

Pooty says, "For what?"

Punch says, "_So I can sing to the babby._"

Pooty says, "What kynd of song you going to sing?"

Punch says, "_Yummy py._"

Pooty says, "Whatd you say?"

Punch says, "_Lulling by. Iwl sing the babby lulling bys._"

Pooty terns to the crowd she says, "Wud you please keap a eye on him wylst Im frying my swossages. Give us a shout wil you if he dont mynd that babby right."

Theres plenny of voyces in the crowd then speaking up theyre saying, "Dont you worry Pooty wewl keap a eye on him." Easyers voyce says, "Wewl see your babby right Pooty that littl crookit barset he bes not try nothing here."

Punch he dont anser nothing to that. When Pooty goes down hes zanting a littl with the babby its a littl jerky kynd of dants. Hes singing:

"_There wer a littl babby_

_A piglet fat and juicy_

_Who ever got ther hans on him_

_They cudnt tern him lucey_

_Ah yummy yummy yummy_

_Ah slubber slubber sloo_

_Ah tummy tummy tummy_

_Ah piggy piggy poo_"

Which when they hear that some of the crowd begin to yel, "Pooty! Pooty! Come up qwick!"

Punch he terns on them he says, "_What kynd of peopl are you as wont let a father sing to his oan littl chyld?_"

Pooty shes up then she says to the crowd, "Whats he ben doing then has he droppt the babby or any thing like that?"

Some 1 says, "Hewl do wersen that you bes take that babby a way from him."

Pooty says to Punch, "Now you wont let no harm come to him wil you. Our oan sweet littl babby."

Punch says, "_Harm is where the hert is._"

Pooty says, "Wel there you are who wud have the hart to hert a babby."

Punch says, "_Hart is where the wud is._"

Pooty says, "What wood wud that be?"

Punch says, "_Its all ways the same wud innit. That 1 jus over there. Wewl do a littl walky walky there._"

Pooty says, "Thats it a littl walky walky wil do the babby good. I wont be a minim Iwl jus get on with that frying."

Pootys down agen and Punch hes got the loan of the babby. He puts the babby down he backs off a littl way he hols out his arms he says, "_Walky walky._"

That littl pig babby it goes slyding tords him like its on a string. Punch hes smyling tho his wood joars they cant realy open can they. He says, "_O wot a good babby!_" He puts the babby back where it startit from he says, "_Walky walky._"

The babby says, "Wah!"

Punch says, "_O no dont cry you musnt cry._"

The babby yels, "Wah!"

Punch says, "_O so juicy o so terbel juicy!_" He grabs the babby. No sooner does Punch get his hans on that babby nor in comes a big hairy han which it grabs Punch and my han inside Punch.

Its Easyer he yels, "You littl crookit barset I tol you not to try nothing here!"

Over goes the fit up and me and Punch and the babby and Easyer with it. 1 minim Easyers on top of me and the nex he dispears theres a han grabbit him sames his han grabbit Punch. Its Rightway Flinter which when I get my self untangelt from the fit up and on my feet its him and Easyer pulling datter to see which 1 wil walk a way when theyre finisht.

Its Rightway walks a way. Easyer is laid out flat. Rightway says to Riser Partman the regenneril guvner man from the Ram, "When he comes roun you myswel let him be Big Man here hewl work hard at it."

Riser Partman he aint a bad looking kynd of man hes got inky fingers he says to Rightway, "What about you?"

Rightway says, "Ive got elser to be."

We dint over the nite there we roadit out in to the dark which Rightway had it on him he wantit to be on the move right then. Him and his brother Deaper they boath come with us they dint want to stop at Weaping no mor. They boath of them have wives and childer the woal lot roadit out with us they jus slung ther bundels and a way.

When we gone out thru the gate there wer a kid up on the hy walk sames I use to be up there all times of nite when I wer a kid. 7 or 8 he wer may be. Sharp littl face liting and shaddering in the shimmying of the gate house torches. Sharp littl face and he begun to sing:

"Riddley Walkers ben to show

Riddley Walkers on the go

Dont go Riddley Walkers track

Drop Johns ryding on his back"

Now whered that kid ever hear of Drop John and what put it in his mynd to sing that of me? Why dint I ask him? I dont know. May be I dint want to know.

Why is Punch crookit? Why wil he all ways kil the babby if he can? Parbly I wont never know its jus on me to think on it.

Riddley Walkers ben to show

Riddley Walkers on the go

Dont go Riddley Walkers track

Drop Johns ryding on his back

Stil I wunt have no other track.

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"The Legend of St. Eustace." Reconstruction by Professor Tristram of wall painting (c. 1480) in the north choir aisle of Canterbury Cathedral. Reproduced with the permission of the Dean and Chapter of Canterbury.