Ride On (14 page)

Jimmy just blinked at him and looked around at Norman.

‘Aesop,' said Norman, pointing at the well. ‘Do you know where we are? This is s'posed to be a holy place. Can you not have a bit of respect?'

‘Sorry man. I keep forgetting.'

‘Anyway Jimmy,' said Norman. ‘Why didn't you go across to England to see Susan if you had a bit of time off?'

‘Well …' said Jimmy. ‘I was going to. But it didn't work out.'

‘What didn't work out?' said Aesop.

‘I called her but … I think it's over.'

‘Ah no,' said Norman, turning to him. ‘Why? What happened?'

‘I don't know to be honest. But she just told me it wasn't working and she'd prefer it if I didn't call again.'

‘Really? Why, for fuck sake? I thought you two were going to sort out all the stuff between you.'

‘Well I was hoping we could. Man, she wouldn't even talk to me. She just said she'd had enough and wanted to move on. To be honest, I can't really say I blame her. It was too hard. I was working my arse off on the record, and I'll be on tour in a few weeks. And …'

Jimmy drifted off and looked out over the fields.

‘Are you all right?' said Norman.

‘Yeah. I s'pose. It was a tough one though. Tears and everything. I only talked to her for five minutes, but she was all upset. Worse than that. She sounded really angry or something. Like she suddenly realised that I've only been wasting her time.'

‘Do you think it's worth trying again with her?' said Norman.

Jimmy sighed.

‘Yeah. But I'm a selfish bastard. I only want to do it my way. Wait until I had everything cleared up and could concentrate on the two of us.'

‘Jimmy?' said Aesop.

‘What? And before you say anything, I'm not in the humour for listening to any of your shite about riding someone else to get over it. This only happened last night, right?'

‘All right. But I was just going to say that this was always going to happen and that you're a fuckin' eejit.'

‘Thanks.'

‘Seriously man. You're like a fuckin' book I've read already.'

‘What fuckin' book have you ever read?'

‘I'm just saying, like. You've a head full of piss and if you want this bird so much, why don't you just go over there and sweep her off her feet and tell her you love her and that no matter what happens with the band or any other shite in your life, she's the most important thing and you'll do whatever it takes to make it all okay. Tell her to come to Dublin, move in with you, get a job if that's what she wants and then the two of you can fuck like rabbits and make babies and build a castle and be the coolest fucking rock and roll couple on the planet.'

The other two looked over at him.

‘What are you looking at?' he said. ‘It's simple! It's not what I'd do, but I'm taking into consideration the fact that you're a handbag. If you don't do all that because it's not what you want, well then that's grand. Drop it, leave her alone, stop whinging, get on with your shit and ride the arse off Jessie tonight. But if you don't do it because you're too busy doing all that complicated poet bollocks in your mind again, then your head is full of piss and I don't want to fucking hear any more about it.'

‘Jesus … isn't life simple Aesop?'

‘Yes! You fucking … langer. Norman, call him a langer. I can't do the accent.'

‘He's not a langer Aesop.'

‘You're both fucking langers then.'

‘What do you know about it, Aesop?' said Jimmy. ‘You don't give a shit about any girl.'

‘I know you love this Susan bird. Whatever that means. I know that fucking Kleenex dispenser over there loves his Trish bird. What's the problem? You're always telling me I'm a waster and I should cop on and settle down and get serious about a girl. Well, the pair of you are hardly fucking brilliant advertisements for it, are you? Look at you. You want to know what it all means, Jimmy, even though it means fuck all except for what you've got here and now. And you, fucking … Mr Bean on steroids … are so happy that all you can think of is the whole thing going to shit. What are you fucking like? I'm not allowed ask Helen out, but I'll tell you, if I did bring her out at least she'd have a good time and neither of us would come out of the experience fucking traumatised.'

No one spoke for a minute.

‘Well … maybe you have a point,' said Jimmy.

‘You know I have a point. Norman? Am I right?'

‘You're not totally wrong. Maybe.'

‘And can I ask Helen out?'

‘Only if you want your bollocks fed to you.'

‘Bastard. Well, listen, if I'm going to be imprisoned in this bleedin' hellhole for the next two weeks with the pair of you, I don't want any more of this shite, ye here me? Fuck this …'

He stood up and started walking around the well. After three circles, he reached into his pocket and then fired a handful of coins down into it.

‘Aesop,' said Norman, reaching out to grab him. ‘What the fuck …'

‘Shut up a minute. I'm not finished. Is there a special prayer, or what's the story?'

‘I don't know. I think there's a prayer, but …'

‘And does it work if you talk out loud, or is it like blowing out birthday candles?'

‘I don't know Aesop. And I don't think …'

‘Well I'll try anything if it means you two aren't a drippy couple of homos for the next two weeks. Actually, y'know something, I feel better already. I think me hangover's gone.' He leaned over the well again and shouted. ‘Thanks Ita! Seeya tomorrow.'

He sat back on the wall and lit up again. The others were laughing.

‘That's more like it,' said Aesop.

‘Aesop, why did you throw money into the well?' said Norman.

‘You said people made an offering.'

‘They do. See that box over there?'

Norman pointed to a metal box chained to a small post.

‘Ah. Right. Well …'

‘It's not a wishing well.'

‘We'll find out about that won't we? So where does the money go?'

‘I don't know. I think it goes to some charity or something. Listen, I've to have a crap. Are you coming in or will you be out here?'

‘Ah, we'll stay a minute,' said Jimmy. ‘It's nice out here.'

‘Grand. Seeya in a bit. I think there's a few beers in the fridge. I'll bring them out.'

‘Any word on Shiggy?' said Aesop, once Norman had set off for the cottage.

‘I talked to him the other day. He might have a business trip here coming up soon. We can talk properly about it then. You know he's been working for Kyotosei for twenty years?'

‘Really? Jaysis, he looks about twelve.'

‘Yeah. Well, it'd be a big thing for him to just drop it all.'

‘That's fair enough I s'pose. Still, it'd be deadly to have him back.'

‘I know. Sparky said he'd fill in for the Irish tour, but when we go over to England, it'd be too hard. He's got enough shit on his plate in Sin Bin. If Shiggy isn't back, we'll have to get someone else by then.'

‘Fuck that. We're a good band with Shiggy. Starting all over again with … y'know …'

A car drove past on the road. A knackered thing that roared as the driver gave them a wave. They waved back.

‘Hang on a minute Jimmy,' said Aesop, watching the car drive vanish.

‘What?'

‘Keep sketch for Norman, right?'

‘What? Aesop, what are you doing?'

‘Nothing. Just keep an eye out. Hang on …'

He ran off towards the ditch at the side of the road and came back a minute later with a straight broken branch about six foot long. He started stripping all the twigs and smaller branches off it.

‘What are you going to do with that?'

‘Nothing. It's grand.'

‘Aesop, what are …'

‘Here we go,' said Aesop, after a couple of minutes, holding up his stick and grinning at Jimmy.

‘What are you going to do with that?'

‘Watch …'

He walked over to the well and looked down into it.

‘Aesop, that stick is nowhere near long enough to get your money back. And anyway, you'd need a scoop or something on the end of it.'

‘You reckon?'

‘Of course, you dope.'

‘Is that a car coming?'

Jimmy looked off down the road. There was another car approaching, coming into view and then disappearing as it came towards them over the dips in the road.

‘Yeah. Why?'

‘Are you ready?' said Aesop.

‘For fucking what?' said Jimmy, looking around quickly. He was starting to panic. You never knew what the mad fucker was going to do. ‘Aesop, what are you up to?'

‘Hush a minute. Hang on … hang on …'

Just then the car came over the last dip and Aesop immediately stood back and held his stick in two hands over the opening of the well. It suddenly looked very much like a fishing rod.

‘Aesop …'

Aesop's shoulders were already starting to shake with the laughing. Jimmy could see the driver of the car slow down and look at the pair of them, her mouth open in a big O. Aesop gave her a big smile and a wave and then turned back to his rod. He suddenly gave it a jerk upwards and leaned back like he was trying to land a whopper. Jimmy put his face in his hands and turned away. When he managed to look back over his shoulder, the driver of the car, a woman of about fifty, was still staring in horror at the sight in front of her. Aesop gave a final pull on his stick and jumped backwards, landing on the ground with the stick still jerking. The car finally trundled out of site behind a hedge.

Aesop got up and came over to Jimmy, one hand still clutching the branch and the other on his belly. He was roaring laughing.

‘Ah, man … did you … did you see her face?'

He pointed out at the road and then doubled over.

‘Ah Jesus … ah Christ … that was fucking brilliant that was …'

‘What's he laughing at?' called Norman, coming over the field towards them with a sixpack of Guinness bottles.

‘Eh …' said Jimmy. ‘He , eh … we were just laughing about something Shiggy said once.'

‘Ah right. Gas man, Shiggy. What's with the stick, Aesop?'

But Aesop couldn't talk. He just bent over, cackling, shaking his head and pointing at the road. Eventually he straightened up and took a bottle off Norman.

‘We should go to Dingle.'

‘Now?'

‘Yeah.'

‘It's nearly two o'clock.'

‘So what? Come on. We'll head off now, have a few pints tonight and then be ready in the morning to get out on the harbour.'

‘Me bollocks,' said Jimmy. ‘I know what you're at. I'm not driving to Dingle now to look at a fucking dolphin after driving down here this morning already.'

‘Ah go on.'

‘No.'

‘Tomorrow?'

‘We'll see.'

‘We'll see? I'm not fucking seven, Jimmy.'

‘Look at that sky, Aesop. It's going to rain.'

‘But we'll be in the water.'

‘We will in our fuck. It's freezing.'

‘But they get you in a wet suit.'

‘They'll be lucky to get me in a boat. We'll talk about it tomorrow.'

‘I want to go today!'

‘Tough.'

‘That's not fair! I want to go to see Fungi.'

‘Another day, Aesop.'

‘But Jimmy, you said …'

‘Jesus, Aesop,' said Jimmy, rubbing his head. ‘I thought you weren't fucking seven? Will you shut up? Anyway, he's probably hibernating.'

Aesop tutted in disgust and crushed his can under his foot.

‘Hibernating … fuck sake. I'm getting more beer.'

He walked off back to the cottage, muttering to himself.

Norman and Jimmy didn't say anything for a bit. Then Norman looked up.

‘I don't think dolphins hibernate, Jimmy.'

‘Yeah? Why not?'

‘I think there might be a danger of them … y'know … drowning.'

Jimmy thought about that for a minute and then nodded.

‘I s'pose they'd need to be careful about that all right.'

‘There he is!' shouted Jimmy, pointing. ‘Look at him!'

It was the next morning. Cold and dark under heavy clouds and the boat was rolling all over the sea.

‘I see him,' said Norman, laughing. ‘Jesus, he's massive. Aesop! Look!'

But Aesop wasn't looking. He was at the back of the boat puking his guts up. He raised one hand in acknowledgment and then up came some more of his breakfast and he bent over fully again, grabbing the rail with both fists and roaring.

There were about a dozen people on the boat. Three Americans, a couple from Germany or somewhere, and the rest Irish. It was fairly choppy out in the harbour, but only Aesop was suffering to the point where he couldn't even stand up without feeling the huge fry he'd eaten that morning squirm and boil in his stomach.

‘Aesop, you're missing it,' shouted Jimmy.

‘I'll be grand … ugh … I'll be grand in a minute, Jimmy. Just … I'll be … '

‘We've been out here for an hour, man. We'll be heading back soon.'

Jimmy walked back to him.

‘Come on over here. At least if you're puking out the side of the boat, you'll be able to see him when he comes up.'

Aesop stood up straight. He was green, blobs of old food on his chin and his eyes red and streaming. He put one hand on Jimmy's shoulder.

‘I don't want him to see me like this,' he said.

‘I don't think he gives a shite, Aesop.'

‘He does. Jimmy, I've been … aw … aw Jesus … wait … wait a minute Jimmy.' He belched. ‘Ah, that's better … I've been waiting for years to meet him and look at the state of me now.'

‘He's a dolphin, Aesop.'

‘Dolphins are more intelligent than people, Jimmy.'

‘Some people, yeah, I can see that. Nothing would do you only to eat all them fried eggs this morning, would it?'

‘She said she was after making too many.'

‘You could've just said no.'

‘To food?'

‘Well anyway, I'm sure you're not the first person Fungi's seen vomit out here.'

‘You don't understand.'

‘Well … why don't you sit down and just peek over the side.'

‘He's not fucking stupid, Jimmy. He'll know I'm … '

‘Hi guys!'

It was one of the Amercian blokes. He was standing there in a bright luminous orange raincoat and beaming out of a tanned face with teeth like a mouthful of snow.

‘Howya,' said Jimmy.

‘Nice camera,' said Aesop, glancing up. It was about the size of fax machine.

‘Thanks! Hey, I guess you're not feeling too good, are you?'

‘What makes you say that, Inspector?'

‘Well … I noticed that you've been throwing up. Are you okay?'

‘I'm fine. Here, look … high five … '

He put up one hand, but before the other guy could do anything, Aesop was spraying the sea again.

‘Hey buddy, what you need is some toast. Dry toast.'

‘Is that what I need?'

‘Sure is. That'll sort you right out. We've been having problems with the food over here too. But when your stomach is upset like that? It's the only thing that works. Dry toast. Guaranteed.'

‘I see. And, c'mere, do you have any dry toast?'

‘No. Sorry.'

‘I see. Right. Jimmy, what did we do with all that dry toast we had?'

‘I think I left it in the car, Aesop.'

‘Shite. Ah well. But, listen, thanks anyway, man. It was a cracking idea.'

‘You're welcome. Are you guys English?'

‘No,' said Jimmy. He could see that Aesop had had enough already. ‘We're from Dublin.'

‘Really? It's hard to tell. Everyone we meet has all these crazy accents. We don't have an accent in the States.'

‘Is that a fact?' said Aesop. At least he was distracted now from his vomiting. ‘Aren't yis brilliant?'

‘Yeah. I guess we're lucky. Hey, I think we're turning around. I should get some more pictures of Fungi. I gotta tell you though, I'm a bit disappointed.'

‘Why's that?'

‘Well, he doesn't do any tricks. He just kinds of swims along with the boat, doesn't he? I guess he's not so smart.'

‘He jumped up out of the water a few times,' said Jimmy, looking at Aesop quickly.

‘Yeah, I guess. But they'd make a lot more money if they put him in a pool and taught him some tricks. That's what we do at home.'

‘Where's home?' said Jimmy. He gave Aesop a small kick in the shin.

‘South Beach, Florida.'

‘Florida, right. God. You must be loving the weather here so, are you?'

‘Y'know, actually, I prefer the sun.'

‘Oh. Do you? Right so.'

‘Anyway, we're heading to Dublin on Tuesday. We've been in the countryside for a few weeks now. Looking forward to some excitement. Is there anywhere you'd recommend? We've heard about Temple Bar and Grafton Street and … '

‘Have you ever heard of Ballyfermot?' said Aesop.

‘No. What's there?'

‘Great nightlife. You'd like it. Ballyfermot. Just ask the taximan.'

‘Ballyfermot. Right. Well, we'll be sure to check it out.'

‘Do. Bring your camera.'

‘Yeah? Okay.'

‘And that raincoat.'

‘Sure. Well, I'll see you guys later. Thanks for the tip.'

‘And you.'

He went back to his mates, and Jimmy turned around to Aesop.

‘Ballyfermot?'

‘Did you hear what he said about Fungi? Fungi's not a fuckin' clown Jimmy. We're lucky that he shows up here at all and lets us get close to him. You can't capture him and put him in a pool. There'd be a riot.'

‘Jesus. The bloke was only making conversation.'

‘Yeah. And slagging Irish food he was, too. Well, anyway it doesn't matter. He won't remember Ballyfermot.'

‘But he's writing it down, look.'

Aesop gave a small laugh and looked over.

‘Is he? Well he said they were looking for some excitement. Ah Jimmy … I'm just a bit depressed. I was really looking forward to seeing Fungi.'

‘Well he's still out there. Come on. Give him a wave anyway.'

‘All right.'

They went back to Norman who had moved over to the other side of the boat now that they were heading back in.

‘Hang on,' said Norman, putting his arm out. ‘Get down wind from me, you.'

‘I'm finished.'

‘I don't care.'

‘Believe me Norman, there's nothing left. I think the last thing that came up was something I'm going to miss later on.'

‘I'm not taking any chances.'

‘Is he still out there?'

‘He was there a minute ago. He must be getting tired though. He was lepping out of the water like it was scalding. It was brilliant. Did you not see him at all?'

‘No. Fuck it. I don't believe this shit. All this way … '

‘That's what happens when you make a savage of yourself at breakfast. How many eggs have you eaten in the last two days?'

‘They're nicer down here.'

‘Why didn't you tell the landlady you were full?'

‘Don't you bleedin' start.'

‘Well we're going back in now.'

‘Thanks, I can see that Norman.'

‘Jesus, it's not my fault you didn't see him. Don't be getting snotty with me.'

‘Where was he?'

‘Over there. Next to the head.'

Aesop looked out but there was no sign. Just the waves, which seemed to just be getting rougher and higher, the spray flying off crests in sheets.

The boat carried on into the harbour and just five minutes later they were pulling up to the pier. Aesop sighed and started to walk off back up the boat.

‘Where are you going?' said Jimmy.

‘I'm getting me money back.'

‘What?'

‘He said you get your money back if you don't see the dolphin on his boat trip.'

‘You're going to go and get your money back, are you?' said Norman. ‘From a Kerryman?'

He roared laughing.

‘C'mon, Jimmy, this'll be good … '

*

‘Do you want another pint Norman?' said Jimmy, getting up.

‘I'll go,' said Aesop.

‘You got the last one.'

‘Yeah, I know. But I'll get this one too.'

He stood up and went to the bar. Jimmy looked and saw that two hotties were after coming in and were standing there wondering what to order. Aesop was making a beeline for them.

‘He never stops, does he?' he said to Norman.

‘Ah, feck him. We know him well enough at this stage.'

Aesop came back from the bar with three pints, a packet of peanuts and a grin like a Christmas tree.

‘Stockholm,' he said.

‘Yeah?' said Jimmy, finishing the last of his old one. ‘On holliers in February?'

‘Nah. They live here. Well they live in Athlone, but just came down for the weekend. They work for some phone company or something.'

‘Ericsson?'

‘I didn't catch their names.'

‘Do they work for Ericsson?'

‘Fuck, I don't know. Anyway, who's up for it?'

The two lads said nothing.

‘C'mon, you useless fuckers. Do I have to do everything around here?'

‘Aesop, I've got a girlfriend,' said Norman.

‘Ah … okay then. That's allowed. Jimmy? You just got your marching orders. Are you on?'

‘No, Aesop. I'm not on. I'm just having a pint here.'

‘Ah Jesus lads, come on! Do you not feel the Need for Swede? Are you going to make me go over there and ride both of them? Have you never had a Swedish bird? It's like being strapped to a kangaroo.'

‘Off you go, so. Enjoy yourself.'

‘Are you sure you don't want to spoil yourself? Don't say I didn't offer.'

‘I'm grand.'

Aesop opened his wallet and pulled out two sets of the earplugs he used when he was playing drums and put them on the table next to the pints.

‘In case they're a pair of screamers later. Who's always looking out for you?'

He picked up his pint and turned around to go back to the bar.

‘And he wonders why I won't let him near Helen,' said Norman to Jimmy.

Aesop turned around.

‘What?'

Norman put down his glass.

‘I'm just saying. This is exactly why you're to keep the fuck away from Helen.'

Aesop looked back at the bar quickly and then sat down.

‘Are you saying that if I don't go over there, I can ask Helen out?'

‘No.'

‘Well … well what are you saying, then?'

‘I'm just saying you're a prick with ears and that's why you're not going near her.'

‘But … hang on a minute, Norman. You said I wasn't to touch her.'

‘That's right.'

‘Well I'm only thinking of riding that pair because you said I'd no chance with Helen. I'd never do that if I was with Helen.'

‘So Helen would be more like one of your prolonged and happy relationships?'

‘But … wait a minute Norman. That's not fair. Didn't I say that I thought Helen was great. What do you take me for? If I thought … if I thought that …'

‘She'd be like strapping yourself to a kangaroo?'

‘No! Jesus, Helen isn't like that. Helen's totally cool. I mean it, man. There's something there, I'm telling you.'

‘No there isn't.'

‘There is!'

‘And so this is how you display your affection for my cousin?'

‘Look … look … hang on a minute …'

Aesop was scratching his head.

‘What do you want me to do for fuck sake?'

‘Just be yourself.'

‘Norman, I really like her. If I thought I'd get a chance with her, I'd never go near the Swedish birds.'

‘Prove it.'

‘So … okay … if I don't ride them, you'll let me … y'know?'

‘I didn't say that. Did I say that Jimmy?'

‘Ah fuck sakes,' said Aesop. ‘You're only messing with me head now, Norman.'

‘Well, let's just say that as far as I can see, you're still the same gobshite you always were, following your cock everywhere it takes you. And it's not going to happen with my cousin.'

‘Okay. Okay. I won't ride them.'

‘Good.'

‘I'm not sick, Norman. I can say no. All right lads, you're about to witness something special. I'm staying put here. No sex for me tonight. I can do this.'

‘Well, you're about to be put to the test,' said Jimmy.

‘What?'

‘I think they got bored waiting for you. They're coming over.'

‘Shit. Itchy Swedish bastards …'

*

Norman was in the jacks about two hours later. The Swedish girls were long gone. Aesop had sat there fingering his pint and going out for a smoke every five minutes and had barely opened his mouth the whole time they were sitting down with the lads. Jimmy and Norman had a laugh with them, but they eventually wandered away.

‘Aesop?'

‘Yeah?'

‘You did very well.'

‘Thanks.'

‘Although I think they might have been be wondering what your problem was.'

‘They're not the only ones.'

‘You really like Helen?'

‘Yeah. It's like … eh … ah, I don't know …'

‘Yeah. It's been puzzling me too.'

‘No. I mean, I haven't done anything about it. But she's looked at me a few times and I know she's up for it.'

‘Up for it? Aesop, that's just the kind of expression Norman wants to hear out of you.'

‘I didn't mean up for
it
. I just meant that I think she likes me too. Man, there's something about her and I just … will you say something to Norman for me?'