Riding on Whispers (the Wolfegang series Book 3) (14 page)

It shook me to my core; the weeping cracks throughout me leaned into the healing warmth as my mind tried to shy away from it all. I didn’t want it, and I didn’t want his feelings. They hurt, and I couldn’t allow it. I couldn’t afford the luxury. I was at the door before I even realized I was moving.

Wolfe’s voice made me pause. “Kat,” his words were tight. “When you’re ready, we’ll try and find this place where they keep the Brisingamen. Okay?”

That was not what I expected him to say. I nodded; glad to be back on safe ground. Then I fled his office, frightened of the implications our conversation had.

I was in my quarters, trying to get myself back under control, to stop crying and just breathe. Everything that happened in Wolfe’s office…I still didn’t understand why I freaked out. Was it really about the necklace?

Or was it because I’d been holding back every single feeling since I’d realized I wasn’t in Kansas anymore? I was in a completely different time, and all that pain was waiting for me to slip up.

Well, I definitely slipped.

I buried my face in my hands as I remembered exactly how out of control I’d been. So what if I meant everything I’d said? It was something I never planned to actually say out loud to Wolfe. Why did he have to go and tell me he wanted to be more than my Captain? I totally could’ve been overreacting, and he could’ve just meant that he wanted to be friends; an innocent statement. Maybe he wanted to be best friends? It sounded ridiculous to me, but I didn’t know him well enough to assume what he was trying to say.

Even the idea of the
possibility
that he’d consider…I couldn’t even think about it, the thought terrified me so much. Even if I got closer to Wolfe, and gave it a chance, I’d have to tell him about my secret at some point, and tell him about my past.

I didn’t think I could tell him. I didn’t want to.

Wolfe never outright said what I suspected he meant, but it was there. It was like a huge rock in my chest.

My heart twinged. It wasn’t his fault; things just happened sometimes. But I asked, that stupid little voice reminded me. I demanded to know what he thought I was worth. At least I didn’t have to worry about him kicking me off of the ship for a while. Not until I did something else incredibly stupid.

I rolled over and covered my head with the blanket. The lights were off, but I wanted that extra layer of darkness; of protection. How did a simple conversation about lore turn into
this
mess?

It was mostly my fault. Okay, it was
all
my fault.

What was I supposed to do now? Naturally, I wanted to avoid Wolfe. His words left too many unanswered questions. Questions I didn’t have the courage to ask.

The blankets and pillows created a comforting cocoon. My fingers wrapped in the fabric as I wondered what I should do about Wolfe. I could always ignore the problem until it went away, or blew up in my face. Despite the possibility of an extremely messy situation if things went south, it was my best bet for sanity. I’d wanted the truth, and now I had it – to a degree.

I was such a coward.

The darkness pressed around me, warm and comforting. I closed my eyes, and my muscles relaxed slowly. I started to mentally put everything back in its place. The conversation with Kevin, and how he wanted to wait for me until the procedure was over, I tucked that away first. Then all the anger at everything I’d lost went next. The last thing I put away was my confusion over the Captain. The process helped me regain my composure, and I almost felt normal again.

It was hours before Ricky asked to enter my room. He stood at the door, the light from the hallway seeping in. His shadow was long and
other
.

I’d stopped shaking, and I’d washed the streaks off my face from the tears. No one would know just by looking at me that I was barely keeping it together.

The stupid telepath had to be the one to check on me. He was the only one who could possibly see inside me, and know exactly how precarious things were.

Ricky didn’t say anything, he just looked at me. Finally he spoke, “The captain asked to see you. He said it was regarding your brother.”

My stomach clenched. The one and only card that could get me to see him right now, and he played it. “Is it really about my brother, Rick?” I draped my arm across my face to hide from him.

Ricky stepped into the room then and switched on the light, but he kept it dim. “Yes it is, Kat. He’s not as bad as you think he is.” His footsteps were soft against my floor as he crossed the room, and he sat next to me, the mattress caving under his weight. “I’m sorry for what Celeste said about Wolfe and how you might not be able to trust him, but she filled that vacuum of your knowledge with doubt. I’m sorry,” Ricky said. He grabbed my arm and pulled me up gently until I was sitting. “I should’ve told you more. There’s only so much I have the
right
to tell you. I don’t like invading someone’s privacy. To reveal something that person should be able to tell when they feel the time is right.”

My muscles ached, and I was exhausted from all the emotional turmoil. “Thank you for letting me know about my brother,” I said. Sometimes Ricky had double standards when it came to revealing information. “I will be up in just a moment.” I chose to ignore his other comments.

My trust issues had nothing to do with Ricky, and he shouldn’t feel responsible. But I needed to recognize my weaknesses so I could grow from them, get stronger, and tougher. Whatever I had to do to keep it together and function.

When I stood, Ricky stayed on my bed and watched me closely. I went to my bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror. My eyes were still a tiny bit red, and there were small bags under them, but I was pretty sure I was the only one who knew they were there.

In my bag full of toiletries, my stick of eyeliner – blackest kohl – stared back at me. I grabbed it and looked in the mirror one last time. I needed some armor, some camouflage to hide any trace of my tears. I rimmed my eyes in it, so dark and thick. The eyeliner was like a mask; something I could hide behind. The dark lines made me feel a little less naked when I saw the results.

Seeing Wolfe so soon after our altercation wasn’t something I was ready for, afraid I’d lose it on him again. The last thing I needed was to fly off the handle with the whole crew there. All four us nice and cozy, while we all hid something from the others.

One last thing and my mask would be complete. I took out the rubber band holding my hair. The curls fell over my shoulders and down my back in a crazy, wild mass. It was another layer to my armor. My hair was such a dark brown it was almost black; the eyeliner and the hair made me look like a wild woman. If you didn’t look too closely I appeared strong.

I was the only one who knew it was an act.

My eyes found Ricky’s in the mirror. Well, maybe not, but this wasn’t something he would tell Wolfe. He had his privacy rules to keep.

The shirt I was wearing was dirty and dusty from the work on the crystals, and stained with my tears. I stripped it off. Ricky said nothing, and I really didn’t care. If he was uncomfortable he could leave. This was my room after all.

A pristine white shirt went over my head. I took off my dusty pants and replaced them with leather ones that hugged me. They fit like they were made just for me. My boots lay in a heap on the floor and I contemplated not wearing shoes; they just bothered me and made my skin itch. So I went for it, already on the edge of sanity. I might as well be comfortable while I slowly lost myself.

Composure and sanity were two very different things.

Even though Wolfe tried to reassure me, all those questions I demanded he answer were still floating around in my head. They teased and taunted. They told me there was still more he wasn’t telling. I believed him when he said I was welcome on the Wolfegang. There was no way I could possibly be sure Wolfe told me the truth, but I felt it deep in my gut. There
was
the possibility that Wolfe was trying to lead me into a false sense of security. That wouldn’t make any sense though. Not if he wanted to be more than just my captain. More how, exactly?

Once again, he’d been non-specific.

Wolfe being something other than a friend was something I could easily prevent. I wouldn’t allow it. Kris was my priority.

Ricky followed me out of my quarters, and I barely felt the cold as I walked through the halls. We passed the cargo bay, the bridge hanging right over it, and then the path became a hallway again. My feet felt the rugs that covered the common room floor trying to mop up the cold. Then down the hall to the Captain’s office, and it was back to cold metal. One advantage was that without my boots I was completely silent; no ring of heels on the metal, just pure silence.

I stood on the threshold for a few moments, the door already open, and listened to what Wolfe and Celeste were saying. I tried to piece it together so that the words made sense. Ricky was a shadow next to me.

“We should be reaching Enzo within the week. We need a strategy to get in without being detected,” Wolfe said.

He faced Celeste who reclined on the couch. Wolfe began pacing when the silence apparently became too long for him.

Celeste was picking at her nails. “What did you have in mind?” she finally asked. “Although, I still think this whole idea is stupid and dangerous. Oh, and quite stupid.” Sarcasm laced her words like poison.

Ricky stepped into the office and sat on the couch. “Yes, we clearly know your opinion,” Ricky muttered. She must be getting on his nerves. Maybe it was an off day for everyone.

“Well –,” Wolfe stopped mid-sentence “Kat!” he said my name in surprise. “How long have you been standing there?”

I shrugged a shoulder.

An awkward and bruised pause hung in the air as they all stared at me. Once again I felt like an outsider. I sighed, trying to release whatever frustration was left before I started screaming again.

“So there aren’t any other stops, we’re just heading straight to Enzo?” I asked. I didn’t move from where I stood. No invitation was given, and nothing made me feel welcome enough to cross into the room. I should apologize to Wolfe for my behavior, but the best I could do was wait for him to give me permission to enter his office. I didn’t feel I deserved to go in there on my own anymore.

Wolfe paced again as he explained. “Yes, until we find out exactly where that city is on the map, it’s useless. I’m going to work on translating the other notations. Maybe they will give us a few clues. Until then, we’ll work on the plan to infiltrate Enzo.”

“We just waltz in there?” I asked. I crossed my arms and leaned my hip against the doorjamb. It was hard to believe there still wasn’t a solid plan. We only had a week or so to figure everything out.

“Whatever you think will work, I can promise you it will not be enough,” Celeste said.

She was always so helpful.

I couldn’t tell what Wolfe was thinking, but suddenly he looked at me and my armor fractured just the tiniest bit.

“Kat,” Wolfe said. “What are you doing? Sit down.”

Wolfe expected me to make myself comfortable in his office. It was like it was a whole new day and he didn’t remember anything. Only hours ago I insulted him to his face. I remembered it with a clarity that laid heavily on me.

Then he held out his hand to lead me across the room like I was scared. I could see it in the way his hand waited for me, that he remembered everything I’d said to him, and he didn’t care.

I pretended not to see the offer of help, and walked across the room to sit cross-legged on the chair facing the desk. Wolfe’s face showed nothing. I saw no disappointment or traces of hurt from the rejection. This little dance made me tense, and put me on edge. I was acutely aware of everything he’d told me and everything I’d said, in addition to everything left unsaid.

He continued talking like I hadn’t just ignored him. “I still know a few protocol codes and some people that might help us get in, but we would have to act as military Federation personnel to get as deep as we may need to go.” Wolfe slumped into the chair behind his desk, and we all watched him. He rubbed his hand over his face as he thought, obviously stressed.

Again, I wondered why he was doing all this for me. There had to be something he expected from me, and I didn’t want to believe it was just because he cared.