Ripping Pages (26 page)

We got back to New York the next afternoon, and James had to go into work, but I told myself we would have that talk when he got home. I saw on the news, and I knew from getting a text from Sloan, that Van had landed safely in New York, and he was holed up in his apartment. The tour was cancelled pending further notice. I knew Van, so I knew he was absolutely loathing missing out on his fans and the fact that they paid so much for tickets and waited so long to see him rock out on that stage. I knew he would try to get back to it before he was really supposed to. Tatum, Sloan, and I were meeting up for dinner and drinks that evening. We all needed a pick me up.

Tatum and I got dressed, and took a cab to Brooklyn to meet Sloan who was at Van’s making sure he was squared away. I hadn’t been across the bridge since the night Van kicked me out and seeing his building as we drove across, and all the memories that flooded me, made my heart ache.

Tatum silently grabbed my hand and squeezed it gently. Looking over at me her eyes asked the question, “You ok?” Was I? I had never felt such a loss. Even when James had left me, I was hurt and sad, of course, but nothing like this. I think the thing that made it so bad was the fact that I knew where Van was. I knew he was in New York, and thank goodness, was doing well. I couldn’t think about the fact that we almost lost him. That
I
almost lost him. Even though he wasn’t really mine, anymore. I nodded and gave her a small smile to reassure her. I wasn’t sure I could keep this up. This trying to seem ok when really inside I was breaking.

We got to the restaurant, and Sloan hugged us both hello as we sat down.

“Oh, girls. I needed this escape. It’s been hell the past few weeks.”

We nodded in unison, agreeing.

Sloan looked at me with a sympathetic smile. “How are you, babe? Are you all right?”

Here we go again.

I nodded and put on my best fake smile for the millionth time. “Yes. Thanks, Sloan. I’m fine.” Turning the attention from myself, I asked her, “But really, how are you? How is everyone now that V—he’s back home?” I couldn’t say his name out loud. The thought of it made me want to curl into a ball and cry. I was engaged to another man, but I was really only in love whole-heartedly with one.

I knew it wasn’t fair, but how could I tell James after all that we’d been through? How did everything get so mixed up?

Sloan started telling us about Van and how everything was going now that he was home safe. She told us their parents had hired a butler for him, and they had stepped up security hiring two body guards that Mr. Whitaker insisted be with Van at all times. She said she knew he was going to go stir crazy with all these people watching him and not being able to leave. The doctors had advised him to stay in bed for a few weeks, and then they would talk to the label about going back on tour. She said that the boys were there keeping him company.

“How’s Jensen?” Tatum blurted out.

Jensen? Why did she care about Jensen?

Sloan smiled. Wait a minute. Tatum and Jensen? He was the one she went all domestic for?

And that little hussy didn’t tell me?

I slapped her arm across the table.

“You and Jensen? You slut! Why didn’t you tell me?” I laughed.

“I don’t know. I wanted to keep it a secret. It was new and exciting, and you know, I don’t do relationships. Well we aren’t seeing each other anymore.”

“Why not?”

“Because, Tin, he’s the relationship type and I’m not. It was mind-blowing sex, and that’s all I wanted. I’ll admit that he made me giddy for a little bit. Just a little.” She squeezed her forefinger and thumb close together for emphasis. “But he’s got the band, and I have tons of shoots coming up. I don’t have time for that.”

She looked a little regretful, and I knew there was more to it, but I let it go because she was acting so nonchalant about it.

We had a great dinner. Sloan filled us in on her new beau. He was on Wall Street and things were getting pretty serious. Oh, Sloan, the hopeless romantic. She was the girl men were scared of. She was the marrying kind, and she made no excuse for her wanting to settle down and have babies. Even as a ballerina, she wanted domesticity.

It made my heart pang even more thinking she was a lot like her big brother. They just wanted that family they never had. They wanted the simple things most people take for granted. A home, a forever companion, and that perfect little family. I tried not to think about how I almost had that with Van. I wondered where we would be if I hadn’t lost the baby. I would roughly be over halfway through my pregnancy, and we would know the sex of the baby. I was sure Van would have been rubbing my belly every night and singing to our little miracle. Talking about how we met and how much we loved each other. Playing rock music for him or her and quoting movies with me to the baby. I pictured the guest room in his penthouse all decorated in pink and fit for a pretty princess. I guess I was secretly hoping for a girl. My peanut. I tried to put that to the back of my mind, but every once in a while, it forced its way to the front, and I had to play the what-if game in my mind just to make myself miserable. It just wasn’t the right time for me to be a mother.

I used to imagine being a mother and living in a house in the suburbs with James, but now for some reason, I could never picture him as the father of my children. Something about it just didn’t feel right anymore. The man who I pictured registering at the store for baby items and reading “What to Expect when you’re expecting” with was always Van. Always. I envisioned him singing to our newborn as he rocked the baby to sleep in his muscular arms always making them feel safe and protected. I shook the thoughts from my mind and we paid the bill.

Sloan hugged me and whispered in my ear as we were leaving, “He really loves you, Tin. Please don’t give up on him.” I smiled, and Tatum and I headed back to the apartment.

We walked into the apartment and found James sitting on the couch. I hadn’t told Tatum about what Van had said about being unable to contact me, because I didn’t want her to hate James, and start being a bitch to him even more. She already wasn’t a fan of him.

She went to her room, and I sat down next to James as he was watching Sports Center on TV. He half acknowledged me and took a drink of his scotch.

“James, I need to talk to you.”

“Hmm?” He wasn’t even listening to me.

“James!”

“What?” he groaned.

“I. Need. To. Talk. To. You! Gosh, really? Can you listen to me?”

“What, Tin? I’m watching TV. What’s so important?”

Already annoyed at the fact that he wasn’t Van, and now he wasn’t giving a shit about anything I was saying, I stormed out of the room in my typical Tinley fashion. “Just forget it, James. Fucking never mind.” I slammed the door to my bedroom, but not before it slammed him in the face. Ooops. I didn’t know he’d actually gotten off his ass to come fight with me. I was ready for one of our James vs. Tinley fights. He never backed down, and usually, didn’t admit that he was a complete asshole, which, by now, he should know.

He jerked the door open. “What the hell, babe? Why are you so pissed off?”

I stood there with my arms crossed just wanting to scream.

“I have a question for you, James.”

“Ok,” he said kind of wearily. “Shoot.”

“Did you or did you not block Van’s calls and emails from me?”

“Did. Is that all?”

I stood there gaping at him. “WHY the FUCK would you do that?”

“Because he’s a fucking douche bag, and he doesn’t deserve to talk to you.”

“Are you fucking kidding me? And what about the gift and the flowers he sent me on opening night?”

“Yep, sent that shit back to him, too.” He started to get red faced and his breathing started picking up which was classic James when he was getting super pissed off. “Who does he think he is, anyway? He was the one who had you and fucking left
you. He
fucked that up. Did you think I was just going to sit there and watch him try and swindle his way back into your arms again?” He started striding closer to me until we were nose to nose. “I knew it was only a matter of time before you came back to me, anyway. I wasn’t about to let that fucking dumbass screw it all up.” He tried to kiss me and I pushed him away.

“What the fuck is wrong with you, James?”

He walked toward me again. “Nothing is wrong with me. I just don’t like when people fuck with what’s mine!”

“Yours? You don’t own me, James. You never did.” I turned around and sat down on the bed wondering who the fuck this man was standing in front of me.

He scoffed and walked closer to me. He leaned into my back and moved the hair from the back of my neck planting small kisses there.

“Oh, I own you, Tin. I always have. You own me, too. Don’t you see that? We are forever. You and me.”

“I don’t know what has gotten into you, but I don’t like this possessive shit, James. I’m not going to stand here and let you tell me what to do, and when to do it.”

I turned around and pushed him back away from me a little bit.

“Do you not see what you did by doing all that?”

“What did I do, Tinley? Besides make it clear that you are MINE?

I was so angry at him at that point all I could do was shake my head in disgust.

“You don’t get it, do you? You took away
my
choice. You took that away from me
.
So I may be yours, but it’s only by default. It isn’t fair. You had no right to make that choice. We weren’t even together then when you blocked his calls and emails. When exactly did you do that?”

“Tinley, I’m sorry. I knew you would come back to me. I just didn’t want anyone standing in the way. I did it on Christmas,” he said sheepishly.

I still couldn’t look at him. I was so furious with him. Things would probably be a lot different had I heard from Van after that night at the club, and I didn’t know if I would be able to forgive him for keeping that from me. I was no one’s pawn to play with. I was all about things happening organically, and since James had forced Van out of the picture, I wasn’t sure this whole thing with him was actually that.

“I think it’s best if you go home to your apartment tonight. I need some space.”

He sunk to his knees in front of me and grasped my hands in his, looking me in the eye.

“Tin, baby, please don’t be mad at me. I did it for us. I couldn’t stand not being with you. We just lost so much time, and I just wanted you back. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. Please forgive me.”

“James, I’m not the same weak timid Tinley that I was when you left, and I think that you think we’re going to be the same, but the truth is, we’re different now. I need some space from you. I just—I don’t know what to think about it all now.”

He looked panic-stricken for a moment. “You’re still going to marry me, right? Baby, please don’t do this.”

“James, just please go home. I need time to myself.”

He got up and walked toward the door. Looking back at me, he smiled a small smile. “I truly am sorry, Tin. I just love you so much. I was scared I would lose you again.”

I gave him a small smile back. “I love you, too, James. Please believe that.”

He nodded and walked out of the room and out of the apartment.

I needed to think. I grabbed my keys and purse and walked out of apartment. I sent Tatum a text to let her know I was going out.

It was after nine p.m. when I got to the bakery off Columbus Ave. It had become my favorite.

I grabbed a hot chocolate and a red velvet cupcake, and I went to the park to sit down. My mother would have been so disappointed in my choice to go to the park after dark, and I was a little surprised at myself for doing it, too—especially after my obsession with crime shows on the ID channel, but it was pretty well lit and there were lots of people walking about, so I felt safe. I sat down on the bench and smiled to myself when I remembered the last time I had come to this spot. I had made a complete fool of myself in front of America’s Rock God, Van Whitaker. I chuckled to myself and took a bite of my cupcake and pulled my coat around me tighter. It was very cold out for the beginning of March. In Texas, we would already be swimming.

I felt like I had been in a movie or one of my books. Nothing seemed real as I recalled the past six months. My career was taking off. I had emailed the talent agent back and had an appointment with her the following week. She said I was a promising talent, and she looked forward to working with me, which totally made me fangirl. My job was going great as Sal was such a great, understanding boss, and I knew no matter what, he would always support me and help me.

Which brought me to the fork in the road.

James and Van. I could forgive James. I could see why he would be selfish considering we lost each other to circumstances that were out of our hands. I was still angry with him, but I forgave him. He was only human, after all. The real question I needed to ask myself was, could I be forever happy and live with James with no regrets? Would I always wonder what could have been? Would I eventually realize that what Van and I had was just some fantasy? Was I just thinking things were better with Van, because it was new and exciting, and James and I were comfortable? But that wasn’t the case. Van and I weren’t just some fairytale. I believed we were real. No one ever had the affect on me that Van had. No one cared for me the way he did. Not even James. I also couldn’t ignore the tie that would always be there with Van, our peanut and myself. Even though we never got the chance to see him or her born and raise the baby together, we were a family in a sense. That bond, as un-normal and crazy as things had been after I lost it, was unbreakable. It was unmistakable, and it was raw and real. I didn’t want to hurt James, but I was so tangled up with these feelings.