Ripple (15 page)

He furrows his brow. “I’m sorry . . . I . . . must be overwhelming you. I never considered that you wouldn’t know about me. About what we . . . about us.”

I swallow, find myself climbing to my feet even though I don’t know why. “I just ... this is . . . a lot to take in. I don’t know what to say right now.”

“You don’t have to say anything. Let it settle in and we can talk more tomorrow.”

“I think I have a boyfriend,” I say, lamely.

He purses his lips. “I understand. That’s . . .” He doesn’t know what to say. He clearly hadn’t expected that to be my reaction. “Unfortunate,” he concludes.

“Do I still need to swim tonight?”

Erik nods. “Yes. You’ll have to keep swimming, for now. Until we fall in love.” He clears his throat. “I’ll go.”

I don’t know what to say. This has been the most bizarre conversation of my life. “Will you be at school tomorrow?”

He nods. “Yes. I transferred here. I was hoping . . . hoping I could be normal. Hoping
we
could be normal. Finish school together like everyone else.”

I nod, but I don’t know what to say. “Can we talk about this tomorrow? When it’s all . . . sunken in?”

He nods. “Yeah. Of course.”

“Okay. Um, see you then?” I edge toward the water, twist around so the lake is to my back and I’m staring at him.

“Yeah. Tomorrow.”

He doesn’t break eye contact as he edges away into the shadows. “See you then.”

And then he turns and steps into the darkness. I stand on the edge of the lake for several more minutes, waiting for him to reappear. He doesn’t.

Finally, I turn to the water, the only thing that never changes.

W
hen I walk into the cafeteria the next day, I see Erik sitting at the table with Cole and Sienna. It’s the first time I’ve ever seen him around them; he’s only there because of me, because he now knows what I am. My brain sears painfully, and I nearly turn and run, but before I can, Sienna stands and waves me over.

Students stream past me on both sides, flooding the cafeteria with the buzzing of voices. But they may as well have all simultaneously disappeared. The only people who matter in this world—in
my
world—are the three sitting together at that table. Cole and Erik should not be sitting beside each other like that. They don’t belong within a mile of each other.

I force my feet to move, and I somehow make my way across the room, until I’m standing at the end of the table. Patrick, Nicki, and Kristi are at the other end of the table.

“Hey,” I say. I glance at each of them, swiftly. The way the boys are looking at me makes me uneasy. Like I belong to both of them.

I try to act so much more indifferently than I really feel. I glance at Erik. He smiles. “Sienna seems to be the official welcome wagon. I was behind her in the lunch line and she insisted I shouldn’t eat alone.”

I nod as if this were totally normal, as if Erik is just the smoking-hot new guy from our English class and not the only person who can (allegedly) save me from my curse.

“Are you going to sit?” Sienna asks.

I realize I’ve been standing there like a total idiot, and plunk down on the bench across from Cole and Erik. I reach for the apple on my tray and take a big bite, happy to have something to keep me from speaking.

“Erik here was just telling us that it’s eighty-seven degrees in San Diego right now. Doesn’t that sound dreamy?” Sienna frowns as if the mere thought of looking pale is disturbing. “My tan is already fading.”

“I’m going tanning at that new place on Griffin Street after school. You should come with,” Nikki says. “You, too, if you want,” she says, looking at me.

“Oh, uh, no thanks. I’m cool with the white-as-a-ghost thing.”

“Suit yourself.”

“Well, since you’re not going tanning . . .” Cole begins, setting his slice of pizza back on his paper plate. “I thought maybe we could go down to the beach. Watch the sunset. My mom has this totally lame picnic basket from, like, 1985, but I thought we could use it.”

I try to act natural. I can’t believe Cole just asked me out like that, in front of everyone. Maybe he really does think he’s my boyfriend. That certainly makes things with Erik even more difficult. . . .

“I’d love to, but I’m totally swamped with homework. I have a big chem test tomorrow.” I nod, then take a giant bite of my apple. Too late, I realize that was a terrible excuse. Nikki has the same chemistry class as me.

I glance her way, but she’s too busy readjusting her cleavage to pick up on my lie.

“Oh,” he says, his voice falling.

I chew faster, swallow a painfully large bite of the apple. “Let’s do something this weekend. Like . . . the sun
rise
. Much prettier than the sunset.”

I could handle a sunrise. By then I’d just have to time it just right, so that the sun is showing by the time we get there, but not all of the way up.

Cole lifts an eyebrow. “But it’s not over the ocean. That’s kind of the point.”

“Have you ever actually sat on the beach when the sun is rising?” I say, scrambling.

Cole shifts in his chair. “Um, no, I guess not. Why, is it different?”

“Trust me, it’s beautiful. There’s a sort of mist that clings to the ocean, and it makes it feel like you’re the only person in the world.”

That was terrible. But I just stare at him with a dopey hopeful smile, hoping he doesn’t read further into my expression.

“Wow, Lexi, you should totally write for hallmark,” Sienna says, rolling her eyes.

“Shut up, Sienna,” I say. But I smile when I say it. It feels pleasant and unfamiliar. A few short weeks ago I would’ve glared.

“Okay. Sure,” Cole says. “Saturday it is.”

Sienna clears her throat. “So if you’re not going to do the whole cheesy-romance-novel thing with Cole on Friday night, do you guys want to come over? My parents are out of town again. Nothing huge, but there’ll be a few of us. You’re invited, too,” Sienna says, nodding at Erik.

I blink. Sienna was quick to accept Erik into her fold. I wonder if it has something to do with the googly-eyed look Nikki is currently giving him.

“Oh, I—” I stutter reflexively.

“Absolutely,” Erik says.

I bite down on my tongue. I glance at him, and he gives me an apologetic shrug. He must think he’s being helpful, becoming part of the group like this, as if it will make our future love affair all that much more believable.

I give up. “Sure,” I say. “I’d love to come over.”

“Great,” she says, brightly, continuing her recent trend of being nice to me.

Craziness.

Suddenly, someone nudges my foot, emptying all thoughts of Sienna from my head. I glance up. Both Cole and Erik are looking at me.

I swallow and slide my foot back, hoping neither of them can reach it.

Because I don’t know who is playing footsie with me.

I
spend the next few days wondering if I should corner Erik and force him to back off on the party—on my life, really—but I can’t bring myself to do it. It doesn’t seem right to make him stay home alone. Not when I’ve spent two years doing exactly that. He wants to be normal as much as I do, and it seems unfair to take that away, especially since he spent all that time looking for me.

And that’s how I find myself driving up Sienna’s driveway, nerves raging in my stomach. Her parents are out of town. Again. I wonder how often they’re around these days.

Cole offered to pick me up, but I mumbled some crap about a curfew and my grandmother. I can’t stay for too long—it’s almost time for my nightly swim—and I couldn’t risk him asking me to stay.

Despite all the lies I’ve heaped on, I’m feeling . . . hopeful. Wistful. I haven’t gone to a party like this in two years, and I decided to make the best of it. I even pulled out my best jeans and a cute flowery top, something that actually fits me. I feel pretty. For once, my hair isn’t in a ponytail. Instead, I’m wearing it in natural spirals.

I don’t want to hide tonight.

In fact, I don’t want to hide at all anymore. I’m scared as hell, but I can’t go on like I did before.

And so here I am, ready to see if I can really have it all back.

Sienna clearly downplayed this little shindig, because her driveway is lined with cars. Cole’s, Patrick’s, Nikki’s, and about a dozen more I vaguely recognize from the school parking lot.

The door is half open, despite the fact that it’s barely fifty degrees out. A bass beat floats toward me, vibrating the ground beneath my worn-out sneakers.

Déjà vu hits. I feel that night again, the one when everything went wrong.

But I ignore the memories dancing in the back of my mind and walk inside. The sound of clacking pool balls pulls me in to the game room to my right. Sure enough, Erik is there, leaning across the table as he lines up a shot. His platinum wavy hair slides across his forehead.

He’s wearing a button-down left loose at the collar, but it does nothing to hide his sculpted body. No girl in the room seems to be immune to him. I want to walk over and hand Nikki a napkin to wipe the drool off her chin.

Behind them, Cole is perched on a stool, a stick resting on his lap.

Erik jerks the pool cue forward. It hits the cue ball, and there’s a loud crack as it smashes into the other balls.

Three balls drop into the pockets in rapid succession.

Cole subtly shakes his head. He’s clearly losing. Chewing his lip, he looks away from the table. And that’s when he spots me. His eyes light up. He passes the stick off to Nikki without looking at her as he makes his way toward me. She scowls, but I don’t care. It’s impossible not to smile at him.

“Hey,” Cole says, giving me a quick hug. He smells amazing, like hickory and cedar. I take in a deep, relaxing breath as he pulls me closer, nestling against him as he wraps an arm around me. “You look stunning,” he says.

Erik’s eyes flicker when he catches sight of us, but he doesn’t say anything until he’s done sinking the eight ball. Guilt sears through me. It’s probably not fair to hang all over Cole in front of him. He doesn’t let on that he’s bothered though. If anything, he seizes the challenge. “You’re just in time to play me,” he says.

“No thanks,” I say. I don’t feel entirely comfortable being around both of them at the same time. Not after lunch. “I think I’ll show Cole the house.”

I realize belatedly that my excuse is a lame one. Cole has been here more than I have for the last two years. Kristi and Nikki exchange a look, but Erik doesn’t pick up on it.

I drag Cole out of the den. We make our way across the tiled halls and I relish the warmth of Cole’s hand under mine. How did I ever live without touching him?

Somehow, we make it to the stairs. I find myself going up the same path I took with Steven two years ago—only this time,
I’m
pulling
him
. I find myself bringing him to the same den, to the same deck, until we’re standing out there, staring at the not-so-distant ocean. It gleams under the almost-setting sun.

I don’t know why I brought him out here. After all my fuss and homework excuses, all my efforts to avoid our spending a date at the beach, here I am, standing on the deck, staring at the ocean as the sun begins to set.

The last time I was here, I didn’t know what I was. What I was doing.

Tonight is different. Tonight I know what a dangerous game I’m playing. But, I have to see, once and for all, how strong the ocean’s pull is.

No matter what happens, how my test resolves itself, I won’t bring him to the ocean. I won’t swim in front of him.

Worst comes to worst, Erik will come to my rescue. He’ll stop me from walking out of the house with Cole in hand. He won’t let me repeat my mistakes.

Cole sits down in the exact same seat that Steven chose. The entire thing replays in my head, one giant loop, over and over. But that’s okay. This is my chance to re-create what happened, to choose a new ending.

I move to the railing and stare out at the ocean. When I don’t sit down, Cole joins me along the deck railing. He’s wearing a warmlooking zippered sweater. Somehow, he steps up behind me and, with his hands in his sweater pockets, envelops me, protecting me from the gentle fall breeze. He leans in, nestling his face against my neck.

Something in me unwinds. Having him this close just feels right, as right as swimming. In that moment, it seems impossible that Erik could be my match; it’s Cole who feels like he was made to fit into my world.

“You okay?” he asks. Again.

“Better than ever,” I say, so quietly I’d think he couldn’t hear. But he must because he leans even closer, so close that his body pushes up against me. There’s no longer space between me and the railing. My backside, my legs, feel warm from his touch.

I take another deep breath, wishing there was a way to slow down the clock, wishing I could stand out here forever, in the last place I ever saw Steven’s smile.

I should feel guilty, should feel eaten alive, but I can’t muster the emotion whenever I’m around Cole. When he’s next to me, it’s like the whole terrible Steven thing never happened and I can just ... be.

“Really?” he asks, returning to his age-old question.

“Yeah, I think so.”

He rests his cheek against the curve of my neck. “Anything you want to talk about?”

I shake my head. “Nope. I just want to stand here all night.”

The sun hasn’t set yet, but it’s about to. I twist around, so that my back is to the ocean and, with it, everything that has haunted me for so long. Cole wraps his arms around my lower back and pulls me in, so we’re hip to hip, shoulder to shoulder. I reach up, interlacing my fingers behind his head, at the base of his neck, pulling him in.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about Erik. I don’t know what makes sense anymore, what I want. I kiss Cole stronger, deeper, and he responds in kind, wrapping his arms around my back. He pushes against me, until I’m pressed into the railing with the weight of both of us. I’ve never felt so hungry, so alive, so
desperate
to find whatever it is that I’ve been afraid to look for.