Rising from the Ashes (20 page)

Jeremy had to work the next morning, so when he left, after giving me a brain-scrambling kiss and reminding me to think about moving in with him, I immediately grabbed my phone and texted Lizzy.

911. My house in 30.

“What’s up, chica?” Lizzy asked as she breezed through my front door exactly thirty minutes later. “I had a feeling this conversation would require booze, but since it’s only nine thirty in the morning and neither of us is Irish, I brought Virgie May’s coffee and doughnuts.”

“But you are Irish,” I replied, grabbing the coffee and taking a big gulp.

There was no denying Lizzy’s heritage. The red hair, green eyes, and fair skin gave her away.

“Only half,” Lizzy chimed. “Besides, I’m also Catholic, and this being Sunday and all, I have to wait until after noon to start floating my liver.”

“Ah, fair enough.”

Lizzy sat on the chaise lounge in front of the bay window in my living room and tucked her feet underneath her as I took a seat on the couch.

“So what’s going on?” she asked.

“Jeremy wants to move in together,” I spit out quickly. I figured I might as well dive right in. There was no use in dragging it out.

“Huh,” was all she said.

For a while, I sat there, nervously waiting for her to say something else. When I couldn’t wait any longer, I jumped in. “Huh? That’s all you’ve got?”

“Look, you know I’m thrilled that you and Jeremy got back together. I’d love nothing more than for the two of you to move in together and get married and all that stuff, but you’ve got to tell him, Savannah. He deserves to know.”

I reached up to rub my temples. I was already starting to get a killer migraine. “You’re right, you’re right. I know that. I just…he’s going to hate me, Lizzy.” I felt the tears coming and I couldn’t do anything to hold them off.

Lizzy got up and came over to me, wrapping her arms around me and running a comforting hand in circles on my back. “I’m not going to lie to you. He’s going to be mad, but he won’t hate you, honey. He loves you too much. You just have to trust that.”

I sniffed and lifted my head off her shoulder. “Oh yeah, I can just see that conversation going well,” I replied sarcastically. “ ‘Hey, Jeremy. I know you’re from a large, tight-knit family, and you’ve always wanted kids of your own, but I got pregnant when we were nineteen and decided not to keep it without ever giving you a say in the matter. Oh, then I dumped you and broke your heart because I couldn’t deal with it and felt guilty every time I looked at you.’ Lizzy, I took something away from him that he’s always wanted, and I never even told him.”

“Stop it, Savannah,” Lizzy demanded. “You were both kids. Neither of you were prepared for something like that. We’d all been there when Emmy lost her baby, and you thought you were doing the right thing. It was the wrong choice, but you didn’t make it easily or out of spite. It came from a good place.”

“Good place or not, Lizzy, I was wrong.”

She grabbed my face in her hands and forced me to look at her. “I know that, but I also know you’ve been carrying that guilt with you for seven years. You’re still not over it, are you?”

Tears streamed down my cheeks as I shook my head in response.

“It’s time, Savvy. You and Jeremy won’t have a real shot at making it if you keep carrying this all by yourself.”

I let out a deep breath and tried to convince myself that everything was going to be okay even though I knew deep in my gut that it probably wouldn’t be.

A week and a half had passed since my conversation with Lizzy, and I still wasn’t any closer to coming clean about the abortion to Jeremy. I knew it was selfish of me, but I couldn’t stand the idea of losing him all over again.

Every time we were alone, I found myself opening my mouth to tell him the truth, but then I’d freak out and make up some lame ass story to cover up what I was about to say. I knew he was starting to notice, and I was terrified by the knowledge that I could potentially break his heart—again.

“So, have you given any more thought to moving in together?” Jeremy asked that night as we were lounging on the couch, watching
Sons of Anarchy
.

Jeremy didn’t particularly care for the show, but he had no problem letting me indulge in my Charlie Hunnam obsession one night a week.

Thank God for understanding boyfriends.

We’d already had the conversation about how I was totally allowed to bang the British hottie if our paths ever crossed. All Jeremy had said was that if I got Charlie, he got Jennifer Love Hewitt, no questions asked.

I froze up at his question, not even able to fully appreciate a shirtless Jax Teller walking across the TV screen. Jeremy, sensing my instant anxiety, let out a deep sigh and sat up, lifting me from my place on his chest and depositing me next to him.

He reached for the remote and turned off the television. “You think you can clue me in on how long it’s gonna take for you to stop freaking the fuck out every time I bring up our future? Because I gotta tell you, Savvy, this shit is getting more than just a little old.”

Anxiety bubbled up in my throat as he spoke. The feeling of dread was sinking deep down in the pit of my stomach. I had officially run out of time. Tears began to sting my eyes and my vision blurred as I looked into his eyes. I was minutes away from losing the love of my life and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I’d made my bed and I was going to have to lay in it. I had absolutely no one to blame but myself.

“Hey, hey,” Jeremy said, concern laced through his words. He grabbed me by my shoulders and pulled me into his chest. “It’s okay, baby. We don’t have to talk about this right now. We can wait until you’re ready.”

I pressed my face into his chest and inhaled his scent, knowing it would probably be the last time. I wanted to commit everything about him to memory before it was all gone.

“I have to tell you something,” I whispered, my voice cracking as I spoke.

“Savvy, baby, honestly, it’s okay. I’m sorry I pushed you. We don’t have to—”

I put my finger to his lips to silence the rest of his words. “I have to say this, Jer, because I haven’t been fair to you. I’ve been selfish as hell because I knew the minute I told you the truth, I’d lose you.”

Jeremy reached up and grabbed my face with both of his hands. “There’s nothing you could ever do that would make me walk away.” He spoke with so much certainty that I almost believed him.

Reaching up and wrapping my hands around his wrists, I pulled them away from my face. “I made a mistake, baby, and I
wish
I could go back and undo it, but I can’t.” I tried to swallow the sob that was building up in my throat, but it was pointless. I was dying inside and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

“You’re starting to freak me out here, babe.”

I looked up to see worry in Jeremy’s expression.

“Did you…did you cheat on me?” he asked in a quiet voice as if he was almost too scared to say the words out loud.

“What? God, no! Jeremy, honey, I never cheated, I swear to God.”

His shoulders visibly slumped and he exhaled the breath he’d obviously been holding. “Oh, thank Christ,” he said with a relieved laugh. “I don’t know what I would’ve done—”

“I had an abortion,” I spit out, eyes squeezed shut. My heart was pounding so hard that I was sure it was about to leap from my chest. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. I was a fucking coward, and I hated myself for it.

Silence descended on the living room while I held my breath and waited for his reaction. After what felt like an eternity, I couldn’t take the quiet any longer. I finally peeked through damp lashes to look over at Jeremy. He was sitting there, completely still, just staring at me with disbelief on his face.

“Please say something,” I begged in a pathetic voice.

Jeremy shook his head, like he was trying to clear it out. “You had an abortion? When?”

“When I was nineteen.”

“When you were nine—”

I could see the realization dawning on his features as my admission fully sank in. Before I could register his movements, Jeremy was off the couch and pacing the living room, grabbing his hair and pulling roughly.

“Jesus
fucking
Christ, Savannah!”

He continued pacing as the tears streamed down my face.

“I’m so sorry, Jeremy,” I pleaded. “I didn’t know what to do.” I jumped off the couch and placed myself in front of him, desperate for him to understand. “I made a mistake. If I could take it back—”

He cut me off with a wave of his hand as he took a step away from me. “Before or after, Savannah?”

“I don’t understand,” I said in confusion, wringing my hands in front of me.

Jeremy took a step toward me. He was so close that I had to strain my neck to look into his anger-filled eyes.

“Did you get rid of my child before or after you fucking ended it?” he asked through clenched teeth.

I cringed at his harsh tone. I knew I deserved so much worse than just his anger, but I also hated having it directed at me. “Before,” I cried.

“FUCK!”

I grabbed hold of his arms and tried desperately to get him to look me in the eyes. I
had
to get him to see how sorry I was, to understand why I’d felt like I had no other choice. “
Please
, Jeremy! God, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know what else to do!”

“You didn’t know what else to do? How about not getting rid of
my
baby without fucking talking to me first? How could you, Savannah?”

“Jeremy, please try to understand,” I begged. “We were just kids. I didn’t have the first clue how to be a mother. All I could think was that I was going to fuck my child up the way my mom had with me.”

He stayed unbearably quiet so I pushed forward, trying to explain every factor that had played in my decision to end the pregnancy.

“Emmy had just lost her baby. Everything was turning upside down!”

“Don’t!” he yelled. “Don’t use what happened to Emmy as an excuse. You did that seven years ago, and you’re doing it now. It’s BULLSHIT!”

“I swear, baby, I didn’t think there was any other way!”

Jeremy brushed off my hands in disgust and stepped away from me again. “You knew. Goddamn it, Savannah! You knew how much I wanted a family with you. You didn’t even give me a fuckin’ choice. We could’ve talked about it and tried to make it work.”

I placed my hands on top of my head and tried to breathe past the fear clogging my throat. “I made a mistake—”

“A mistake? A MISTAKE! Are you fucking shittin’ me right now? You got rid of my kid, then you crushed my goddamn heart! And you call that a mistake?”

I tried reaching for him again. “Jeremy, honey, I love you. I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t…touch me. And stop saying that! Sorry doesn’t matter for shit. I loved you, Savannah. You’re the only damn woman I’ve ever loved.”

“You’re the only man I’ve ever loved, Jer. You
have
to believe me!”

“You want me to believe you? Are you kidding? You never gave a shit about me, Savannah. It’s clear I registered a
very
distant third to Emmy and your own selfishness.”

“No! That’s not true!”

I ran after him as he charged toward my front door. I couldn’t let him leave without making him understand. I had to make him understand
.

“Don’t go.
Please
!”

Jeremy spun around with his hands up, palms facing out. “Just stop. I can’t even look at you right now.”

With that, he turned on his heels and walked right out the door. He never once looked back before peeling out of the driveway and away from me.