River Road (River's End Series, #4) (10 page)

“Of course, I could have stopped. It’s not your fault, it’s mine. It’s just… it goes against my beliefs.”

“What do you mean, your beliefs?”

He sighed and came to the other side of her before sitting down on the hay bale. She suddenly felt weird and sorry for her actions. Almost to the point of feeling stupid. Chills broke out over her arms, and she longed for some damn clothes, now that the sexual haze was over. She rubbed her bare arms. Wishing for, at least, her underwear. He noticed her discomfort and got up and opened the truck door. He returned with a wadded-up, flannel, red-and-black-checkered shirt. He held it out to her with a solemn expression. Feeling suddenly almost awkward with him, she reached out to take it, and rose to her feet. She slid her arms into it and wrapped it around her front, huddling under it as she sat back down. “Thank you,” she said quietly.

He nodded, sliding back to sit near her, still looking chagrinned. She appreciated the sweet gesture and almost shy way his mouth nearly smiled. He rubbed his hands up and down on his thighs. She shut her eyes. He was nervous with her. Unsure. Strange. Looking at him, you’d expect him to be a swaggering, cocky alpha, out to fuck her like she just insisted he do. But now? She worried it wasn’t AJ Reed at all. He was almost embarrassed… or ashamed of what he’d done with her.

“AJ? What did you mean? Your beliefs?”

“I don’t sleep around. I was waiting…”

“Waiting for what?” Puzzled couldn’t begin to describe how she felt. No way was this man still a virgin. She could tell by the way he responded to her and to sex. He was a man who’d done it before. There was no hesitation, and no lack of knowledge or experience.

“A little over three years ago, not long after I started working here, I joined the church across the river. They’re nondenominational, but the pastor there is pretty amazing. Anyway, I’ve been following their beliefs ever since. I never had any before that. They… the church, I mean, changed my life completely. I was headed down a bad road. Had been for years. Gambling, drinking, having indiscriminate sex…”

“Oh, my God,” she muttered softly, shutting her eyes and feeling completely horrified. He was a born-again virgin? She leaned forward, nearly burying her face in her hands as heat literally scalded her chest, neck and face. She rarely got embarrassed. She derailed his plans? His religious beliefs? She exhaled a sigh. She never even considered that possibility. It was those stereotypes at work again, granted, but still, she wasn’t usually so wrong. “Were you like, waiting until you got married or something?”

He shrugged, his giant shoulders lifting up and back down. She dared to glance at his profile. “I was going to say something. But you were so quick to…”

Get on my knees and give him a blow job?
Strangely enough, she didn’t think AJ would actually say such a thing to her.

“So you haven’t had sex in…?”

“A while,” he finished.

“As in years?”

“Yes. As in years.” She shut her eyes again, groaning in near pain, not ecstasy. She never considered anything like that. Was it any wonder that once she reactivated his sexual desires, he morphed from the nearly shy, sweet, quiet AJ to the man pounding her into the hay bale? She’d done the equivalent of waking a sleeping giant. It was kind of cruel, in fact, of her to do that. There was no way he could have resisted her after she started. Going years without it and then there she was, in mere minutes, sucking his penis with her lips and tongue… Shame coursed through her body. Not once could she remember, even going back to high school when she first had sex, did shame over the act ever enter her consciousness.

“So you’re Christian? The real kind? Belief in the Bible and all?”

“Yes.”

“And before that you weren’t like this?”

“No. I was not a very good person.”

“Like you perceive me to be perhaps? Not a very good person? After all, I was down on my knees with a man I’ve known less than a week, right?”

His gaze traveled from her knees up to her face and his expression shifted to surprise, by the way his eyebrows lifted, and his brow wrinkled. “No. I don’t perceive that at all about you.”

“Really? Because I’m not Christian. I would never forego sex for any religion, Jesus’s, Allah’s or Buddha’s. And as you witnessed, I’ve had it twice this week alone. So you must consider me a raging slut.” Her heart was now heavy in her chest and it weighed her down. She hunched her shoulders to conceal her boobs.

“No. I don’t think anything like that. I couldn’t quite figure out why you were even coming on to
me.
”

“Because you’re ho—you’re very handsome, AJ. I think maybe I tried to turn you into the stud I was fantasizing about. But I really liked talking to you, too. You’re a bit surprising. I mean, you’re very quiet. Very withdrawn. Very religious, as it turns out. Nothing about you is what I expected. And that’s fascinating in anyone. And you’re different than any man I’ve ever met. In my world,
you
are pretty amazing.”

“I haven’t done a lot of good things in my life.”

“So Jesus led you to do good deeds?”

“Yes.”

“And in exchange for that, you became celibate?”

“I guess. I mean, I was. I didn’t label it, however. I just didn’t sleep with anyone.”

“Celibate cowboy.” She blew out a deep breath. “Not what I was planning on, AJ.”

“You were planning on something?” He finally tipped his head enough to catch a glimpse of her face before staring down at his feet again. His boots were parted and dust covered the tips.

“A girl doesn’t show up without underwear and a pocketful of condoms without a plan.”

“I’m not sure what to say.”

“Join the club,” she muttered, exhaling her disappointment. Somehow, she felt almost like she’d done something wrong. But she shook off the guilt. She certainly hadn’t forced AJ. At any moment, he should and could have considered his devotion to his beliefs. They weren’t her beliefs, and she had no idea about his, so again, not her fault. Even if it did shame her.

“So you regret that?”

“Well, I’m not celebrating it.” He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, his head hanging down.

“Now, I feel like
I’ve
done something wrong.” She crossed her arms over her chest, catching the ends of the long flannel and bunching them in her hand.

“No. You didn’t. I mean, it’s probably a stupid thing anyway. I just was trying to improve myself.”

“What do you need to improve?”

He shrugged. “From what I was before.”

“What were you?”

She tilted her head, studying the back of his shoulder and the arm that was nearer to her. “I got in a lot of trouble. I used to ride bulls. Performed in lots of rodeos. Lots of drinking, drugs, women, and gambling.”

She wanted to lean forward and touch his arm. It was right there, so close, and he seemed so strangely sad and disappointed in himself. She expected some celebrating and swaggering, not quiet reflection as if he were trying to figure out his belief system for life. “I didn’t know that.”

“Well, I was promiscuous. I’ve been tested for HIV and all that, with no long term repercussions. But for many years, it was all a blur. It doesn’t make me too proud. To remember. Or to be like that again.”

She rolled her eyes although he couldn’t see it, and leaned forward and touched his bicep, wrapping her fingers around his muscles gently. “AJ, this doesn’t make you like that again. It isn’t being promiscuous to sleep with one woman in… how many years?”

“Three.”

“That’s not promiscuous. And for the record, I don’t consider myself to be either. I admit, this was a little quicker than most of my… we’ll politely call them liaisons. But really, you aren’t going to morph into whatever monster has you fearing sex now.”

He tilted his head to catch her eye. “Prison. Prison keeps me from doing the things I was doing that led me there. And this act was reminiscent of that.”

Her breath caught and her neck jerked reflexively. Okay, she hadn’t expected prison. It wasn’t something she thought about or even considered in someone else. She swallowed. “Okay, but it wasn’t a drunk or drug-involved encounter. It was merely two people enjoying each other.” She licked her lips. “What, ah, what were you in for?”

He leaned back to stare at his boots. His tone was completely soft and controlled. If she closed her eyes, she could imagine his deep, smooth voice and cadence belonging to a professor of literature, preparing to lecture an intimate group of students in some elegant room, not the muscle-bound, dusty cowboy sitting on a hay bale in a dark, cold barn.

“I got into a bar fight. I was drunk. I barely remember it. Bottom line is, I hospitalized this guy with a concussion. He was five-foot-eight and barely one hundred and sixty pounds. I looked like this then. Probably was even in better shape. What business did I have physically fighting with some little guy like that? I fully regret what I did to him. He had a wife and a little kid. He missed work and I was responsible. I don’t want to forget what I’m capable of. Never again. I pleaded guilty, did my time, cleaned up, and swore I’d never drink another drop of alcohol again. Nor—”

He dropped his hand on his thigh, palm down, and began rubbing absently at the denim. Kate let hers fall on top of his and he nearly jumped at her contact. His entire body seemed to be in some kind of fight or flight mode. She felt his thighs tensing, and his hand stopped moving, as if completely frozen under her mild, innocuous contact. Especially after her very recent, not-so-innocuous contact. Her nails were painted pink to match her boots. Her long, tanned fingers and nails looked ultra-feminine against his fat, wide hands. She gripped his fingers in hers. He had adorable hands, really. Considering how big and broad he and his muscles were, his hands were kind of meaty and fat compared to the rest of him.

“Nor have sex? I promise you, this doesn’t make you suddenly capable of inflicting violence. It doesn’t make you unrecognizable to the man you were two hours ago.”

He didn’t clasp her hand in return. Nor did he withdraw it either. “I was going to say, nor act out of control again. This was out of control. I didn’t plan it, I just acted. No, I
reacted
. I did what felt good. I don’t trust my instincts. I don’t trust myself to do things without my control.”

She kind of got where the celibacy came in now. He was scared of surrendering to his baser urges or needs. He thought it… what? Made him violent? Turned him into a vicious criminal? She didn’t see it. Nothing like what she witnessed in this man.

“It wasn’t out of control. You didn’t throw me against the wall or try to choke me. You did exactly what I asked of you, urged you to do, begged you, and practically demanded of you. It was totally consensual, wanted, and I initiated it. You couldn’t have planned it. I appreciate your line of thinking here. But I hope you realize the difference between a drunken bar fight from long ago, and pleasurable sex with me. And I hope when you think about it, you’d agree that if you were planning to end your celibacy, it was a damn sensational way to do so.”

His lips twitched. She smiled when he finally lost the forlorn scowl. She leaned against the side of him, bumping her shoulder against his, and gripping his hand tighter. “It was spectacular. I dare you to tell me you don’t agree with me on that part.”

He nudged her back. “I will agree on that part.”

“I’m freezing. Can we worry about your soul a little more in depth tomorrow?”

He jolted up. “Tomorrow?”

She slid onto her feet, wrapping his shirt tighter around her. “Well, you can’t compound the sin by just calling it a one-night stand, can you? Wouldn’t ending your stint of celibacy and all be more justified if it happened in a more substantial relationship? Meaning, at least more than two days?” She grinned at him after her explanation. “And I was hoping you’d walk little ol’ me across this big, dark ranch. I don’t really want to go to the cabin all by myself, not now.”

He stood up, his gaze flickering everywhere but on her. “Of course. I didn’t know it would bother you.”

“Not in the daylight or even when we first got back. But it is a lot of ground to cover and it’s very late. There’s something spookier about late at night. After most of the guests have gone to bed. It’s like the time animals should start to roam about. Or bats. I don’t like low-swooping bats.”

He was quiet as they exited the carport. She glanced around, relieved to see no sign of anyone. A few hours ago, she hadn’t cared. But listening to AJ’s compelling, deep reasons for why it should not have gone down like that, she now, retroactively, felt pangs of shame.

He didn’t speak as his boots crunched over the gravel next to hers. Once they arrived at her cabin, he held back, like he was the hired help and not allowed to use the front door. She stopped on the porch step. He shuffled his feet and cracked his knuckles, fidgeting all around. She wanted to kiss him. No, she wanted to pull off his shirt and bring him inside with her. But what he told her made her feel ashamed for even having the urge.

“Goodnight, AJ.”

He tugged his hat lower on his head. “Good night, Kate.” Simple. Easy. Done.

However, she wasn’t so sure that was the case. He stepped back, spun on his booted heel, and left her at a fast clip. She had a lot more to consider than she had realized. It hadn’t gone at all like she expected. But strangely for her, he might have garnered more of her interest than she typically felt about a man. He might, she admitted, have grudgingly earned her respect. He was a convict. The word didn’t match the man, but it was something she’d have to think about, mull over and see how it fit. Or what she thought of how it fit. But the extreme life changes? Yeah, she kind of admired them, even if three years without sex seemed like torture to Kate. Still, she could almost understand the urge to do so with that control thing he talked about.