Road to Reason (23 page)

He wouldn’t have said he was in love with her, not at all, but he’d liked her, a lot, and he’d thought it was reciprocated.  Nevertheless, he still believed there was a chance the child was his. 

Stalking to the door, he threw it open. “You can have your man.  Live your life with him. But be prepared for a DNA test when your son is born. If he’s my child, don’t think you will be keeping him from me.  But you—you can go to hell!” He slammed the door behind him.

“Obviously the DNA test proved the child wasn’t yours,” Kaitlin said a bit hesitantly. She had never seen Ryan like this before. Never this ruffled. This un-composed.

He didn’t look angry, or even hurt; instead he looked haunted.  The urge to pull him closer to her and hold him was overwhelming, but she knew he would push her away, that it wouldn’t be welcomed.

“Yeah. He wasn’t mine. That was a good thing, I guess.  It would have gotten ugly if he had been.  Even when I showed up after the baby was born—after Brian was born—and she told me his name. I thought it was a slap in the face, just too close to my name.” 

He leaned forward on the couch, put his face in his hands, rubbed them up and down, like he was trying to scrub away the memory. “She laughed at me when I asked her about the name.  Not a mean cruel laugh, just a silly one. Like I thought too much of myself.  She told me it was her father’s name and it had nothing to do with me. They had gotten married before the baby was born, too.  I think she was afraid if by some remote chance the baby was mine, they could stand together as a couple to fight me.”

He looked rough right now, haggard, and she knew the whole situation had to have been difficult for him. Then she wondered why she never heard of any it of before now.  “I’m surprised no one told me about this. Our families are close.”

“No one knew. Except Monica, myself and Matt.  And now you.”

Disbelief. How could he have kept this secret? Why would he have? He was eighteen years old.  Still a kid on some level and the fact that he shouldered it by himself and never told his parents or even his brother mystified her. “Why didn’t you tell your father?”

“And disappoint him?” he said warily. “No way.  Besides, there wasn’t anything to tell, not until I knew for sure.  And once I knew I wasn’t the father, it didn’t make a difference. Why drag them into it? It was over at that point.”

“But you lived with that secret for months.  You had no one to talk to. No one to lean on.” She couldn’t imagine not being able to talk to her parents or her brothers about something so important in her life. “She hurt you though.”

“No, she didn’t hurt me. But she made me see things I didn’t see before,” he said, holding her stare. 

His eyes were cold, unfeeling. She sucked in her breath fast, her eyes swelling with tears, then slapped her hands around her mouth and blurted out, “Oh my God. I’m no better than her.”

She pushed back away from him on the couch, trying to establish distance, not wanting to be near him.

“What are you talking about? You are nothing like her at all,” he said, confusion replacing the coldness in his eyes. He reached for her. “Come here, Kaitlin.” He had softened his tone and scooted next to her.

But she jumped up and took a few steps back. “Yes, I am,” she told him. “The whole time she was with you, it was a pretense.  That was me for years.  Don’t you see?  For years, everyone I was with, it was all an act. It wasn’t who I was.  I was pretending to be someone else.”

She wiped a tear from her cheek. “Monica wanted something from you.  She used you. Used you to get what she wanted out of
her
life—she didn’t care about anyone else but her.  Just like all the other women you date. They want something from you. You know that,” she accused him, all of it starting to make sense to her. “That’s why you dated those women, right?”

She sniffled and took a deep breath. “Because you knew where you stood with them. You didn’t have to worry about being blindsided by their actions.”

How could she have been so stupid? Ryan froze and she saw the truth in his eyes, even though he didn’t acknowledge it. She was no better than Monica in her mind. Everyone she’d dated over the years, even Ryan, it all was part of
her
plan to get to
her
next goal in life.  It was all about what
she
wanted.

He stood up and walked closer to her, pulling her into his arms. “You didn’t use me, Kaitlin,” he whispered, stroking his hands up and down her back. “You told me up front what you wanted. I knew going in. But you didn’t use me. It wasn’t like that at all. Don’t compare yourself to any of those women.”

Her sobs were coming hard and fast. She didn’t want his sympathy. She was a horrible nasty conniving person. She’d never thought about the kind of person she was when she was with other people, she never realized what she was doing was deceiving them by being someone she wasn’t.  Even though it wasn’t intentional, she still wasn’t forthcoming with the real her. Or what she was ultimately after.

Just like with Ryan. She’d never thought of Ryan and his feelings when she approached him, only herself and what
she
wanted. A means to an end. And the problem she was trying to fix.  He was the answer to her problem. She even used those words to Sophia.

It didn’t matter that she had fallen in love with him. He didn’t know that. She hadn’t been upfront these last months on her feelings. That she changed, that he meant more to her.  In her mind at the moment, she was just another woman who pretended to be someone she wasn’t. 

But she never pretended with him.  He knew that. Except, he also knew that she had acted a different way for years in Manhattan. Didn’t he see that for himself? And didn’t he question what she was doing?

Not understanding how he could possibly stand to look at her—she couldn’t look at herself right now—she pushed out of his arms. “I’m so sorry,” she cried and ran into her room, slamming the door, then rushing into her bathroom and shutting herself in there, locking that door behind her.

She heard him on the other side of her bathroom door. “Kaitlin, sweetheart. Open the door. What happened back then has nothing to do with you. Nothing to do with us.  Believe me when I tell you that.”

Kaitlin heard the anguish in his voice, but she didn’t believe him. How could she, not after what he just told her? “Just leave me alone. I hate the awful person I am. I’m so sorry, Ryan,” she cried out again, burying her face in her hands and sliding to the floor where she rocked back and forth.  Eventually she heard her bedroom door close behind him.

***

“You look like hell,” Lucas commented to Ryan the next day at Mac’s house.  Everyone was gathered for Zoe’s birthday party. Everyone but Kaitlin.   Last night he had driven home in a daze trying to figure out how his day had gone from something to celebrate, to something to mourn.

He had never felt this wretched in his life and didn’t know how to fix things with Kaitlin. Didn’t even know the first step to take.

She wouldn’t even return his calls or his texts. He had no idea if she was home today or on her way to the party.  He didn’t even know how to answer anyone if they asked him where she was.

At the moment he didn’t know one damn thing and was pissed off and angry, not to mention utterly frustrated and out of control over everything around him. “Bad night,” he mumbled and looked out over the water.

Lucas bumped his shoulder, forcing Ryan to look back over. He watched Lucas frown, his eyes moving over Ryan’s tired eyes and pale complexion. “Too much to drink?”

“I wish,” Ryan said solemnly.

Lucas shrugged, then looked around. “Where’s Kaitlin?”

Absently, Ryan answered, “Not sure.”

“Trouble in paradise.” Lucas grinned and slapped his brother on the back.

Ryan shot him a hard look, but Lucas’s grin stayed in place. “Welcome to the club,” Lucas said cheerfully, then laughed and walked back to the party, leaving Ryan to brood by the water.

“Ryan!” Zoe yelled as she took off in a run toward him.  At least someone was happy to see him today.

He picked her up without missing a beat. “It’s the birthday girl,” he said, placing a kiss on her cheek.

“I’m five today. And I’m having a party.”  She leaned into him and gave him another kiss on the cheek.  “Will you take me on the boat later?”  she asked sweetly, all but batting her eyelashes at him.  Mac was going to have his hands full when she got older.

The boat was Zoe’s favorite thing.  Even though her father had recently purchased a boat, it wasn’t nearly as fast or as much fun as Ryan’s, per
her
words. “If your father says yes.”

Zoe looked around the yard. “Where’s Kaitlin? She told me she would be here.”

Ryan shrugged. He didn’t want to lie but didn’t want to let Zoe down either. “Kaitlin had something to do today.  I’m sure she will be here if she can make it.”

Zoe frowned but said with conviction. “She wouldn’t miss my party. She promised me. She’ll be here.”

“I’m sure you are right.” He leaned over and put her down on the grass when she waved at his parents on the deck.

He turned back toward the water to watch the late summer action.  Another week or so and the kids would be back to school and the lake would start to quiet down again.  He had been hoping for some nice quiet time with Kaitlin. They would work it out. They had to. He loved her.  He would tell her, if she would just talk to him.

***

“Kaitlin,” Zoe yelled as she ran down the deck.  “I knew you would make it. You said you would.”

Kaitlin hadn’t planned on coming today. Thanks to her all night crying jag, she felt like she’d been run through the washer and hung out to dry on a windy day. She was still sick and shaky over everything that had happened yesterday.

But after careful consideration, she didn’t want to miss the party because Zoe was right: she had promised. “I told you I would be here.” She forced a smile on her face and hoped no one saw through it.

“I told Ryan that.” Zoe giggled, then reached up and hugged Kaitlin’s waist. “Look at my new dress.” Zoe did a twirl. “Isn’t it pretty? Mommy and I picked it out last week.”

Kaitlin looked down at the pretty purple and white dress Zoe was twirling in. She looked like a little doll, especially with the purple ribbon tied around her blonde ponytail. “It’s very pretty,” Kaitlin agreed.

“Thank you.  Look.” Zoe pointed, excitedly, exactly like a child on her birthday and knew everyone was there to see her. “Cori’s here. And she has a ponytail and a ribbon in her hair, too.” Zoe giggled again and took off on a run to greet Cori and Jack.

Kaitlin turned and saw Ryan by the water watching her.  It wasn’t the time or place, but she didn’t want him to think she was ignoring him either. She wasn’t. But she hadn’t reconciled with what she had done yet.  Or if she really deceived Ryan.  She hadn’t purposely done anything, but that didn’t take way from her actions or any comparisons he might feel.

With more determination than she felt, she walked down by the water, fighting against the tears threatening to fall from her eyes at the sight of him. He didn’t look much better than her right now.

“Hi,” she said quietly.

He didn’t answer. Only pulled her forward, pressing her head on his shoulder and wrapping his arms around her, then stroking her back, trying to comfort her. “It’s OK, sweetheart. Why didn’t you return my calls?”

She shook her head against his shoulder, swallowing against the tears.  “I’m not ready to talk. I wasn’t going to come, but I couldn’t let Zoe down”

“We won’t talk then.  Not now.  For Zoe.”

She nodded her head while he held her close.  She didn’t want to lose him, but right now she felt too wretched to think clearly.  She still couldn’t justify her behavior over the years.  It seemed like she had been living one big lie to everyone, including herself. 

“Katie,” Isabel Harper called out when she walked up the back deck. “Sweetie, what a pleasant surprise.” She got up and gave Kaitlin a hug.

Kaitlin knew she was wrong to leave the party without saying good-bye to Ryan. But she couldn’t stay any longer.  She had made an appearance and kept her promise. But the stares and knowing looks passing between Ryan’s family members were making her feel uncomfortable. And guilty. She didn’t belong there.  It was his family and friends, and she was just putting a damper on the mood. 

She had tried her best to avoid being alone with him, dividing her time between Evan and Michael, and getting her baby fix in.  But that only depressed her more. 

At least she always had another adult around to stem any conversation Ryan might have wanted to start.   She didn’t really believe he would want to talk there, but she wasn’t taking the chance either. 

After the gifts were all opened up and Zoe was eating the first piece of cake, Kaitlin had snuck out, hoping no one would notice. She hadn’t felt like driving the hour back to Albany, and she didn’t want to be alone either. So she did the next best thing. She went home. Her real home.

“I just thought I would stop by quick.” Holding her mother tight, she felt the nod her mother gave her father and heard the kitchen door open and close as he gave them privacy.

“What’s wrong, honey?” Isabel asked, pulling back, and looking at the tears forming in Kaitlin’s eyes. “Did you and Ryan have a fight?”

Kaitlin shook her head, fought the tears from falling, but it was no use. They rolled down her cheeks anyway.  “I messed everything up, Mom.”

Isabel pulled Kaitlin over to the chaise lounge she had been sitting in, then sat next to her.  “I don’t believe it.  What could you have done? Nothing as bad as you’re leading me to believe by the look on your face.”

Kaitlin’s head only nodded, and she sucked in her breath, trying to hold back a sob. “Oh, sweetie.” Isabel pulled her close.  “Tell me what is wrong.”

After a few more deep breathes, Kaitlin answered, “I can’t. I mean I can’t go into details.” It would be disloyal to Ryan. He had held this secret for over sixteen years. She wasn’t about to tell anyone now.

Isabel leaned back, looked at Kaitlin’s face, then used her knuckle to wipe a stray tear. “If you can’t tell me, then I can’t help with the source of the problem. But I can still be here for you.”

She pulled her close for another big hug, held on tight, then finally leaned back and looked Kaitlin in the eye. “I can still give you advice about life, though.  Sometimes you can’t plan it all out, Katie.” Kaitlin shook her head, but her mother continued on. “All your life you’ve had everything mapped out. What was going to happen, when it was going to happen and how. You worked harder than any of your brothers to get where you are. Sometimes even the best plans don’t work out in the end. So take what you learned and move forward.”

Running her hand under her nose, Kaitlin laid her head on her mother’s shoulder. She didn’t want to admit to her mother the façade she played those five years away from home.  Trying to be someone she wasn’t to reach her goal, regardless of the deceit she might have been giving off to people. “I don’t know how.  I don’t think I can fix this,” she said dejected.

“If you want it bad enough, then you need to figure it out. Just like you’ve figured everything else out in your life so far.  I refuse to believe that whatever you’ve done will ruin what you have with Ryan.” Isabel took a deep breath.  “I know how much you love him. Have you told him?”

Kaitlin lifted her head, looked at her mother questioningly. “Did Ben tell you?”

Frowning, Isabel asked, “Tell me what?”

“That I was in love with Ryan?”

“Your brother knows?” Isabel shook her head, then waved her hand. “Never mind. No, he didn’t tell me. You know there are things Ben will take to the grave if you asked him to. I know you love Ryan because I see it when you look at him.  He looks at you the same way.”

“I don’t think so.” Kaitlin shook her head vehemently. “If he did, then why wouldn’t he tell me?”

“Why haven’t you told him?” Isabel asked in return, giving her a mother-knows-best-look.  “You both don’t want to be the first to say it. I get that.  But one of you has to, or it won’t matter. Are you willing to throw it all away because you’re afraid to say three little words?”

“Those are three big words,” Kaitlin corrected her mother.

With a nod, Isabel replied, “You’re right. They are. And the three most important words out there.  Which is why he probably hasn’t said them to you yet, either.”

She patted Kaitlin’s hand, then gave it a little squeeze. “Take some time, think everything over. Think about everything you believe you did wrong and decide if you would have done anything differently if given the chance. If the answer is no, then stand up and make the next move.  You’ve never been afraid of anything in your life, so are you are going to let a few words ruin your chance at happiness?”

She wanted to believe what her mother was saying, but it was hard to get past anything as distraught as she was feeling.  “I’ll think about it tonight.  Can I stay here?” She wiped another stray tear from her cheek. “I don’t want to be alone tonight.”

“Of course you can stay here.” She pulled her close for a final hug, then turned when they heard more footsteps on the deck. Phil and Linda were making their way toward them.

“What’s wrong?” Phil asked in a panic. “Are you hurt? Is everything OK?” He rushed over to Kaitlin’s side, pulling her up and looking her over, the way only a big brother could.

“I’m not hurt, Phil. Just having a bad day.” She smiled grimly. “I’m better now.”

“What, did Ryan finally give you a shove?” Linda asked, a snide malicious look coming into her eyes.  “It was only a matter of time. He never stays with anyone for long. You might have set the record.”

Kaitlin sucked in a breath and forgot all about trying to curb her words around her brother’s girlfriend. She drew herself up to her full five-foot-two-inch frame and asked, “What’s the matter, Linda?  Ryan never gave you the time of day? Never looked twice at you?”

Linda snorted, crossed her arms, too stupid to realize what she was saying or the audience in front of her.  Seemed Linda was letting her guard down like never before, too. “Like I would ever touch him. Who knows where he has been? Or what disgusting things he has touched.”

“That’s enough.” Kaitlin watched as Phil walked over, laid a hand on Linda’s arm calmly.  But she knew her brother, and he was seething inside. “That was uncalled for, and you know it, Linda.”

To Linda’s credit she looked shocked, almost as if she finally realized her audience and the poison she released on Kaitlin.  Just as quickly she seemed to have a change of heart, and her face went back to the serene woman and front she always put on around their family. “I’m sorry, Kaitlin. That came out wrong.  It’s just everyone knows how Ryan is. I’m just sorry you were at the receiving end of it,” she apologized. But then ruined it by saying, “But you couldn’t have been surprised.”

Suddenly it occurred to Kaitlin that Linda seemed to be living a charade too.  That thought didn’t bode well in her mind either. She refused to believe she was as low as Linda. “For your information, Ryan didn’t give me the shove.  But thanks for letting me know what you really think of my boyfriend.”

Kaitlin stood up, intending to walk into the house, but her mother’s words stopped her. “You should be ashamed of yourself, Linda.” No one had ever voiced how they really felt about Linda’s behavior. They all knew how easily she was prone to tears and drama and shied away from dealing with her.

Linda looked panicked, the tears already threatening in her eyes. “I didn’t mean it the way it sounded. I’ve just had a bad day, and I took my mood out on Kaitlin.” She turned to Kaitlin and pleaded, “I’m sorry. Really, I shouldn’t have said that.” Her eyes were filling with tears, her voice was shaking, but Kaitlin wasn’t falling for it, not now.

Phil reached for her arm again.  “We’re leaving. You’ve said enough.”  He turned to Kaitlin. “I’m sorry. I’ll talk to you later.”

Isabel nodded to her son, then turned to Kaitlin. “I wish Phil would give Linda the shove.”

Kaitlin agreed, but then came to the realization that even though she’d spent the last five years pretending to be someone she wasn’t, she was never mean about it. She was never evil or cold.  She still treated people with respect and kindness.  Maybe she really wasn’t as bad of a person as she convinced herself she was last night.

***

“Everything all right?” William asked when Isabel made her way into the living room.

“Not really. But I think it will be. Or I hope,” she corrected and sat next to her husband on the couch. “I really want a grandchild. I hope Katie doesn’t blow this.”

William sat back, looking stunned. “Katie? I was going to ask if I needed to go over and rough Ryan up. You’re telling me its Katie?”

Isabel’s eyes softened. “That’s so sweet you think you can rough Ryan up.  But no, dear, I don’t think this is on him. Don’t get me wrong, they have some things to work out, but I think this is more about her than him right now. Where are you going?” she asked in a warning tone when he stood up.

“For a ride.”

“William,” she said, cautioning him. “You aren’t going to go talk to Ryan right now. Let Katie work it out on her own.  She is long past the stage where her father has to run interference for her.”

“I’m not going to see Ryan. I wouldn’t do that,” he assured her, then grabbed his keys. “I’ll be back in a little while.”

***

“What are you doing here, Dad?” Ryan asked, lifting his beer to his lips.  Drinking seemed to be the only way he could cope right now. He tried to stay by Kaitlin’s side the whole day. He’d had no intention of talking about what happened the day before, but he wanted to be near her. Needed to be near her, and wanted her to know he cared and that she didn’t do anything wrong.

But she kept giving him the slip.  Every time he turned around she moved next to another person.  He had gone inside to help Mac carry out Zoe’s gift and when he returned she was gone, nowhere to be found. Lucas explained she had left. 

He’d sent her a message, but she didn’t respond. Then he tried calling, only it went straight to voicemail.  So that left sitting on the deck and drinking.  Exactly what he was doing. 

And he was doing a good job of it, alone. Company was the last thing he wanted, least of all from his family right now, the people who knew him better than anyone else.

“Is that any way to greet your father?” Thomas asked, walking over and sitting in the chair next to his son.

“Sorry.  I’m not fit for company today.”

“So I see. And saw earlier. Trouble with Kaitlin?” he inquired.

Ryan shrugged, no use confirming or denying it. It wasn’t like his father would leave either way.

“Don’t want to talk about it, then? That’s fine. I’ll just go get a beer and sit here and watch the lake with you.”

Thomas stood up to make his way to the house for his beer when Ryan blurted out, “I’m afraid I’m going to lose her.”

Thomas sat back down and turned to his son. “What did you do?”

Ryan laughed humorlessly. “Nothing. At least nothing today.  Something from the past.”

Thomas frowned. “I can’t believe Kaitlin would be upset over one of your ex-girlfriends,” he said, guessing. “I’m sure she has run into a few of them by now.”

“She has. And no, she has never been bothered by them. This is a bit more complicated,” he said solemnly and took a long drink from his beer.

Thomas looked at him thoughtfully, staring longer than necessary. “Does this have anything to do with the summer before you left for Duke?” Thomas asked.

Ryan’s eyes went wide with disbelief, no words coming from his mouth. Then he finally gathered his wits and asked, “Where did that come from?”

“When you have a child of your own someday you will understand.  We know everything our children do,” his father informed him, then picked up Ryan’s beer, took a long drag on it and handed it back. “I’m shocked you would have told Kaitlin about Monica and her son, though.”

Ryan accepted the beer back, finished off the bottle and set it back down. He shouldn’t have been surprised his father knew, but he was. No reason pretending or hiding anything now, since it seemed his father had always known.  “I didn’t plan on telling her. Or anyone for that matter.  We ran into Monica the other day. She made a point of coming to the table and saying hello.”

“I bet she did,” Thomas said with a grimace. 

“Her son walked up a few minutes later. I hadn’t seen him since he was a baby. He looks like his father, whom I knew was blonde-haired and blue-eyed. Built similar to me, too.  It was a jolt, and she took advantage of it, made a few snide remarks, then left.  Kaitlin caught on, though.”

Ryan looked at his father and sighed. “I explained everything that happened back then and she wasn’t mad about it at all. But it triggered something else. Something that I would rather not talk about.” He didn’t want to tell his father the details of his and Kaitlin’s relationship. Those details were private. It was no one’s business.